Rita Chronicles

Celebrity Slap: April 25, 2010 Edition

2010-04-27T13:59:00.003-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Booze hound

I think you totally rock, but... the excessive boozing is NOT cool. You've gotten into fights, defended Brooke Shields' honor, knocked over a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby-- and now-- taking your shirt off at a strip club. Keep this up, and Jack Bauer is gonna have moobs and a beer gut as his not-so-secret weapons. Ick.

2. Shaq

Offense: Shameless

Really? Having your 6-year-old make a death threat to your ex-wife's boyfriend? Completely unacceptable. I love ya, man, but you can't involve your kids in your bullshit. Plus, you're Shaq Fu! Aren't you man enough to make your own threats? Or is that a skirt I see hangin' in your locker?

1. Steven Seagal

Offense: Repulsive

With all the disgusting revelations coming out, it gives a whole new meaning to your movie "Fire Down Below." Anywho... I know you're from Michigan and all, but can't you run better game? Fondling a woman's breasts and saying you're "checking for lumps" would be like us grabbing your crotchal area saying we're looking for some marbles. And making women take off your shoes? Gross. You're just as greasy as your ponytail, LawDouche. A 5-day-old bologna sandwich with mouldy feta cheese and pickle juice is more appealing than you. Of course, it probably smells as bad as your feet....

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

2010-04-14T13:44:00.004-04:00

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April something Edition

2010-04-06T14:14:00.004-04:00

(Better late than never... recovering from Reese's PB Egg OD)

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Will Smith

Offense: Out of touch

I completely understand wanting artistic control over a project. But then there's you. Causing all kinds of problems on the set of YOUR TV SHOW "Hawthorne"... which stars your wife and you produce. Holding up production with demands for massive rewrites... making people unhappy. I hope DJ Jazzy Jeff is sticking pins in your voodoo doll right now!

2. Donald Trump

Offense: Out of line

The Donald running his mouth-- all up-in-arms that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to TV. He called her a 'loser' and a 'failure.' Wow. He just won't let their feud die. I think it's: A. A bromance in the making or B. Deep-seeded self-hate. Upon further examination, Rosie is kind of the male version of The Donald-- only with a bigger 'package' and better hair!

1. Ryan Seacrest

Offense: Out of bounds

Oh, Ryan. A probing journalist you're not. So stop pretending to be one. In one of the most awkward moments on Idol, Ryan kept badgering Didi Benami to confess why she got so emotional during the song she sang. She kept refusing to answer. More refusing. And Ryan kept asking. Idiot. That'd be like us asking over and over when you're gonna pull a Ricky Martin and just jump out of that closet! (We know it's gonna happen one day, and that's okay.) I hope a bird poops on your perfectly coiffed hair!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

What up, dawg?

2010-03-23T13:31:00.002-04:00

From the beloved four-legged family member:

=====================

Me and my buddies were sniffing around the yard the other day, and we're angry! We are tired of you humans calling cheaters 'dogs.'

How insulting!

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Dogs? They aren't good enough to be us! Dogs are loyal. Once we get our junk fixed, we only occasionally hop on a table leg or my grandma (she's as tall as I am so I think she's a toy.) We're always good to our companions. We obey. We snuggle. We follow. We're always happy to see you, even if you're gone for 2 seconds! And dogs are not "low-down-dirty." I may not be as tall as you, but I'm always clean. Mom gets me groomed (I don't really like it, though.)

So, the next time you want to point out how awful some male human is behaving, call him a cat. Because we all know cats are pussies.

I feel better now...

Mental Massage

2010-03-23T13:27:00.002-04:00

Time to soothe that weary mind of yours...

"Never let yesterday use up too much of today."

-- Will Rogers

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

2010-03-22T13:24:00.003-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelor Jake

Offense: Douchebag

Though he's proposed to Vienna, Jake still thinks he can rehab the world with his ween. Every chance he gets, he hits on another woman-- cuz he's THAT special. Gag. Yes, you're a hottie. We get it. But that doesn't mean all females are soooo overcome by your man-ness that we immediately flop down with our legs up in the air. Get over yourself!

2. Rielle Hunter

Offense: Ignorant ho

Nothing flames me more than when a mistress claims she has compassion for the wife. Really? Then how 'bout you keep a low profile and shut your trap! That would be refreshing! Rielle feels sorry for Elizabeth's pain, but then goes on to say her love for "Johnny" Edwards is forever. Blah, blah, blah. She thinks we don't know the real Rielle-- a shallow, fame-seeking, skankasoraus!

1. Jesse James

Offense: Fool

Men are dogs. Haven't we covered this already? But there's this thing called responsibility and self-control.... and keeping your word. What's even more sickening is that Sandra went on TV and praised you for always "having her back." No wonder you were crying during her acceptance speech-- you knew your ass was grass! Shame. On. You. Your wife goes off to make some money while you're riding some trampola like a hippity-hop!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Speechless...

2010-03-16T10:24:00.003-04:00

but not wordless...

DONNA SIMPSON, DF (Dumb Fuck)

For the past few weeks, I've tried to become a "kinder, gentler Rita." Well, fuck that noize. It's because of assholes like this sick twist from New Jersey (shocking, I know) that I must vent.

Donna's goal in life is not to be an outstanding mother, tree hugger or "most loving fatty."

No. Her goal is to the World's Fattest Woman. Bitch already weighs 600 pounds and her goal is to double her size in the next two years.

But that's not the most repulsive part. She wants you and me to pay for her food bills.

What. The. FUCK!?!?

She's got the audacity to have a website in which she asks for our help in making her a disgrace to humanity. Her food bills for her alone is over 3-grand a month.

Anyone who donates to this woman's cause needs to be immediately booted off the planet or charged with attempted murder.

I'd call Donna a pig, but pigs are cute and cuddly.

I'd call Donna stupid, but stupid people have SOME brain function.

I'd call Donna a douche, but a douche has purpose.

So... I'll just say you're one of God's special creatures. Emphasis on creature. I hope you don't accidentally sit on one of your kids and suffocate them.

By the way, I need a car cover. Can I borrow your panties? Vurp....

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

2010-03-15T12:32:00.002-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Sean Penn

Offense: Disgrace to men

He was thrown out of the Governor's Ball after the Oscars for allegedly punching one of "The Hurt Locker" producers for dating his ex-wife, Robin Wright. Heaven forbid she move on from your hot-headed, immature, sorry, fooltastic self! You're the one who waffled back and forth between getting divorced, then calling it off like some wishy-washy schoolgirl. Stick to acting. because behaving like a gentleman is something you're incapable of!

2. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Delusional

This wack-job is suing E*Trade for one-hundred million dollars for their "Milkaholic" commercial because they named one of the babies Lindsay-- which clearly means they meant "Lohan." She says she's a single-name phenonmenon like Madonna and Oprah and she's hurt at the implication that she has loose morals. What mother-fucking-bizarro world did we wake up in!?!? Had the baby been named "Ho" or "Insane" or "Bipolar" then we would've known for sure it was you. Stop giving crazy people a bad rap!

1. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Egomaniacal waste of space

She says she and her BF Liam Hemsworth are "deeper than normal people." She says they think and feel deeper than you and I do. Because truly deep people need to let everyone else know how great they are! The only deep thing about you is the shit you're shovelling... and your daddy's mullet. That's pretty deep. I bet you can't even spell "deep," you mouth-breathing, hillbilly, no-talent twit!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-03-08T16:15:00.002-05:00

Some mind lovin' on the way...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

2010-03-07T17:49:00.004-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Janice Dickinson

Offense: Self-absorbed

This so-called "World's First-Ever Supermodel" wants her own reality TV show so she can find some young stud to 'wait on her hand and foot.' In reality, it'd be more like some dude wiping her ass and feeding her oatmeal since she's the sister of Father Time! Beware, studs-- her crotchal area is probably like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go there, you'll be lost forever!

2. Cameron Douglas

Offense: Whiny biotch

He says he's not to blame for his drugging and trouble-making because he was born to Michael Douglas--a wealthy and famous man-- and therefore, his life was too difficult. (cue dramatic music) He was hurt in a variety of ways: "So don't blame me. I didn't ask to be born." WAAAAHHHH! By the way, we're equally sorry you were born-- cuz we have to pay for your cry-baby ass while you're in prison ... and, you're breathing our good air! You've been evicted to Stupid Planet!

1. The Nation of China

Offense: Antiquated

These fools adore Tiger Woods because they say the true sign of a man's success is how many mistresses he has. Please. It shows how stupid a man is because he's gonna have to pay for them all one way or another. No wonder y'all are so good at math-- you need to keep track of all your tramps! Don't mind if I Kung Pao you in the collective junk!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-03-01T11:59:00.002-05:00

Time to recharge that thing between your ears...

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

2010-02-28T12:50:00.004-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ryan Phillippe

Offense: Dirty Cheater

He cheated on ex-wife Reese Witherspoon and now on Abbie Cornish-- his former mistress by the way. That makes my head hurt. Anywho... Sorry, Abbie. You know the saying: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." I really don't know who'd be interested in this below-average actor, cuz he ain't "all that." He looks like the offspring of Bozo the Clown and Carrot Top.

2. ESPN's Tony Kornheiser

Offense: Lacking tact

Dude went-off on air about fellow anchor Hannah Storm's outfit. He thought her shirt was too tight, saying it looked like she had sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I love how the fashion backward feel qualified to vilify. Face it. You're just jealous because her 'sausage' is bigger than yours.

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Clueless fool

Tiger can't understand why Elin doesn't want to take a family photo with him. She's probably afraid she's gonna get some kind of skank rabies from you! It may be hard to hear or believe, but you can't snap your fingers and have your world return to normal. The only thing you CAN get when you snap your fingers is some tramp's legs flying open.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Birdophile

2010-02-24T13:36:00.004-05:00

Doesn't she look like a sweet granny?

If you've got cataracts and think a double-wide is a mansion....

Meet Donna Louise Greenwell (by the by, only serial killers and rednecks go by two first names)

a Louisiana skank who sold two children under the age of 6 for... wait for it... an exotic bird and $175. I guess an even $200 would've broken the bank.

I can just hear it now. A thought fragment bouncing around the space between her ears:

"Dem thur talkin' burds is cool. I got this hur nest on my head yins cans sleep thur."

Is she a birdophile? Nothin' gets her granny panties all moist like Toucan Sam... WTF?

Fortunately, she was sentenced to 15 months hard labor. So were the two twits that made the deal with her.

Who wakes up one morning and thinks this is a great idea? Obviously, oversized Funyun-eating-KMart-polyester-pant-wearin-fucks do....

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. Bitch got more chins than a Chinese phone book.... yeah. I went there.

Mental Massage

2010-02-22T13:19:00.003-05:00

Catch this positivity wave...

"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions."

-- Albert Einstein

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 21, 2010 Edition

2010-02-21T09:53:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Simon Monjack

Offense: Shady

Brittany Murphy's devastated widower thought he would honor his departed wife with a charity established in her name. Minor detail-- you need to file the appropriate paperwork to really make it a charity. Otherwise, it looks like you're taking advantage of people. You wouldn't do that, would you? Nothing like turning grief into opportunity. Your last name should be Monjackal.

2. Jillian Michaels

Offense: Scam artist

I dig that you're a bad-ass and you yell at people and make 'em hurt... it's kinda hot.... But I'm starting to get suspicious that you're not "all that" considering three lawsuits filed against you in two weeks. Don't you do a little research to make sure that the ingredients in your fat burning pills are acutally safe? I guess turning a fast buck on the plump booties of America is all that really matters. I'm praying to the gods that one day you wake up and your ass is bigger than your head-- if that's possible!

1. Heather Mills

Offense: Pathetic

She dragged Sir Paul through the mud, made up wild stories that she feared for her life... So, to get rid of this psycho, she got 50-million dollars in her divorce settlement two years ago. And now-- she broke! 50. Million. Dollars. What!?! She claims she gave most of the money away and invested in real estate for her daughter's future. Riiight. You're not that generous or smart. I think she blew it on custom-made brooms for her to ride on. Stupid bitch.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-02-15T13:26:00.003-05:00

Positive vibes for a more positive you...

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

2010-02-15T13:15:00.002-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Legal

2010-02-11T13:43:00.001-05:00

HAPPY 18TH, TAYLOR!

Come to momma for your spankin'... ha ha!

xoxo,

RiRi

Panic at the Disco... kinda

2010-02-10T16:19:00.003-05:00

The band "The Vibrators" NOT performing at a Spanish disco... but the Energizer Bunny kind sure did!

Woo hoo!

The first 400 girls at the door who paid the cover got a night of good vibrations!

Except promoters there call vibes "consolers." Guess that's accurate. Reason #95 why a vibe is better than a guy: You get what you want then you can shove it back in a drawer. Try that with a guy, and it's called 'abuse.' Whatever...

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-02-08T13:27:00.002-05:00

Sometimes you need a little mental motivation...

"Beware of the thoughts you keep, because everything in reality manifests from the mind."

-- Justin Palmer

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: Sunday, February 7th Edition

2010-02-07T09:45:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Britney Spears

Offense: Eye assaulter

Usually, when one has a special event to attend where everyone is watching-- you try to put your best foot forward. Not our girl Brit Brit, y'all! She must've gotten Hollywood and Fredricks of Hollywood confused, cuz she chose to wear some bizarro net over a black body suit to the Grammys. I'm sure that's high-brow for the trailer park, but not so much for the bright lights of the big city! Perhaps she was leaving a video shoot with the Gorton's Fisherman where a big 'fish' gets caught in her net!

2. The Cyrus Family

Offense: Pimps

9-year-old Noah Cyrus, younger sister of Miley, is coming out with a clothing line of her own! That's all cool, except her designs are completely trampy! Lace and fishnets and hooker boots and bodysuits-- oh, my! For tweens!!! Pimping out your children for profit is repulsive. Obviously, there's no thought process as to what message you're putting out there. It's not cool that you're throwing more fuel on some pedophile's fire! Unbelievable! While you're counting your pile of money, don't be surprised when your little girl becomes a pregnant crack ho!

1. John Edwards

Offense: Mouth-breathing half-wit

It was bad enough you couldn't keep Lil' Johnnie in your pants, but to be a liar, thief and alleged woman-beater is just reprehensible. Beating you cancer-striken wife Elizabeth because she had enough of your being a dog? Please. I'm surprised the man club hasn't asked for your fun marbles back because you don't deserve to be a man or a human or even the ooze from a scabby sore! Let's boot this inhumane piece of trash off the planet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

2010-02-04T14:01:00.002-05:00

NOAH MILLS

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

Model-turned-actor featured in the upcoming "SATC" sequel... "Samantha's" new conquest.

Fantastic! Lucky bitch.

Drooling,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

2010-02-02T14:34:00.003-05:00

Dad gave me a scare the other day. He's been retired for almost a year, and I've been concerned the nearly-sedentary life he's now leading has taken its toll. This is a dude that used to work 12-hour days, six days a week for the love of God!

=====================

Dad: You know, this time of year it's hard on me. It's so cold, I don't want to go anywhere and I'm trapped inside. The sun hardly shines. It sucks ass.

Me: Dad-- I'll take you out. Where do you want to go?

Dad: No, I'll be fine by March. Then it'll be April.

Me: A lot of people have S.A.D.

Dad: Oh, no. Forget about that. I'll be happy because the Gay Games will be in town!

Me: Is there something you need to tell me?

===============

Dad proceeds to tell me that he's not gay (mom will be relieved!) but wants to help out at the Gay Games. He's going to support the athletes shouting out phrases like "You ain't got no junk in the front. It's all in the trunk." And this doozy: "Want a sucker, Tom Tucker?"

And here I thought Dad was depressed or something.

He also has some marketing ideas for the Gay Games. He intends on buying 50 pair of panties and selling them as souveniers, with the added-value selling point of "the stains are free." Niiice.

Wrong. Very. Wrong.

Then I informed Dad that the Gay Games aren't coming until 2014.

Sigh.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-02-01T13:48:00.002-05:00

A little boost to that tender spot between your ears....

"How we think shows through in how we act. Attitudes are mirrors of the mind. They reflect thinking."

-- David Schwartz

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 31, 2010 Edition

2010-02-01T13:39:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Holywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Linda Hogan

Offense: Airhead

The former Mrs. Hulk is going to wreak the ultimate revenge and write a scathing tell-all about her ex-hubby because he wrote one and talked trashed about her! Why don't the two of you take it to the playground, because I doubt you'll outgrow such a juvenile mentality. It's obvious she got "memoir" and "mammory" confused because the only thing she could possibly be fluent in is her enchanced chesticle area.

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Icky

This man-tramp is making-out with any female that can say "Ahhhh." He was spotted doin' his thang with some chick that plays violin. They were all touchy-feely in some alley by a dumpster. That's awesome! NOT! I guess tongue hockey could be your Plan B when the acting thing dries-up. Gross. I hope I can slap the STD right outta ya!

1. Andy Dick

Offense: Repulsive waste of DNA

It's not cool or funny when you grab guys in the junk and try to kiss them when they're not into you. You make fools look like Prince Charmings! Stop. Being. An. Idiot. I'd wish you a horrible time in prison, but I think you might like it! Piece of advice: just 'cuz your last name is Dick, doesn't mean you should act like one!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Newman's Own?

2010-01-26T14:58:00.003-05:00

Isn't he a gem!?!

This tool is Robert Jenkins. Bobby walked into a Wal-Mart and decided it would be completely appropriate to piss all over the steaks at the meat counter. Seriously. $600 worth of damage. Do you know how many people could've been fed with that $600 worth of meat!?!? Even better, he became enraged when the clerk told him to take his cocktail weenie to Aisle 7 where they sell the small, cured meats. (I made that up. lol) Anywho, cops don't know if drugs or alcohol played a factor. Well, duh! I can't remember the last time I squatted over a rib roast. That's right-- I've never done it because I'm not a drunken fool!!!

This is NOT the kind of marinade I had in mind...

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-01-25T14:20:00.002-05:00

Ready for some positive vibage? Oh, yes....

"Refuse to let your present results influence your thinking. Keep reminding yourself that you have a power within you that is superior to any condition or circumstance you may encounter enroute to your goal."

-- Bob Proctor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 24, 2010 Edition

2010-01-24T09:29:00.002-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. New York Governor David Patterson

Offense: Womanizer

He and his wife admitted to a little O.P.P. action in the past. But I guess some things you just can't quit. He was spotted having dinner with a "leggy Latina in her 20s." And sources say they were quite cozy-- with the sight-challenged gov nibbling on her neck. I'm sure it was innocent. Maybe he thought her neck was a stalk of celery... or a straw... or an ice cream cone.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Loser

Poor, pathetic ween has to suckle off the teet of his young, equally losertastic girlfriend because he can't affort a pack of gum. I bet right about now you'd KILL to have Kate belittling your manhood and laughing at your hair plugs-- cuz that meant you had a home and some money! But as they say, Karma is a biotch, and apparently in your case-- she's on the rag. I'm sure you'll get a job... someday. Repeat after me: "Would you like to biggie-size that?" Could you say that with a little more feeling? Doh!

1. Wyclef Jean

Offense: Fool

He looked like such a stand-up guy immediately pleading to the public to help Haiti. He seemed so honorable... until it came out that he's been dipping into hs own charity for his own purposes. Cuz the thought of spending your own money for recording time and video production seemed far-fetched. I guess he took the phrase "charity starts at home" to heart. Toolbag. God's watching. And I have a feeling a smoting is coming your way. Douche.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mind your own business

2010-01-19T13:36:00.006-05:00

Dear Kotex and Every Other Feminine Hygiene Product Maker:

Go with the flow, so to speak. Don't get all philosophical on me. First, Always is telling me to "have a happy period." And now you, Kotex Nazi, are writing "helpful tips" on your pantyliner paper.

I don't need you telling me "Exercise can make a difference! Walk for better health!" No shit, "oh one without ovaries." Because only a man would be stupid enough to try to dispense advice when I'm bleeding.

If you really want to make yourself useful, go and fetch me some peanut M&Ms... or better yet-- STFU!

Sincerely,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-01-18T15:43:00.002-05:00

Everyone could use some good vibes...

"Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

2010-01-17T10:38:00.004-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tom Cruise

Offense: Enabler

There's been murmurings floating in cyber space that little Suri can be a touch bratty. Maybe it's because she gets everything she wants-- and more. Like a custom-made, $30 thousand mini-Indy car! Suri supposedly is 'mesmerized' by racing. Right, Cole Trickle... I'm sure this isn't Daddy's obsession spilling over onto his offspring. And even better-- if Suri really stays with the racing thing, he's gonna build a track in the backyard! Why hasn't the mother ship called you back home yet?

2. Sharon Stone

Offense: Talkie too much

She really knows how to pay a compliment. When asked why she thinks Meryl Streep works so much, Sharon said: "Because she looks like a woman we can all relate to." Nicely said! But... Sharon didn't stop there. She proceeded to say that Meryl "looks like an unmade bed." Ugh. You should've stopped while you were ahead. By the way, don't you have to flash your crotch somewhere?

1. Mel Gibson

Offense: Talking

Mel would surely know what it's like to be Tiger Woods. Under all that scrutiny for being a lowdown-dirty-gum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-DOG. Mel feels sorry for Tiger. Boo-fucking-hoo. There are better things to talk about... WAAAAH. We know. But when you can't keep it in your pants and you have to mark your territory like a wild animal across the country, you kinda got it comin' to you. Are you okay with that, Sugar Sack?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Where's the beef?

2010-01-12T13:16:00.002-05:00

That really was the question in a South Carolina courtroom recently.

51-year-old Mark (or is that Dork) Zachary of Orangesburg was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His crime-- stealing an $80 slab of meat. This was his 9th shoplifting offense.

Someone's got a problem... or an addiction to USDA Prime.

Anywho, the Assistant Solicitor (sounds dirty) in the case asked "Where's the beef?" in opening statements. Clever. Obviously, the beef thief has no meat between his ears. Guess what his defense was?

"I was massaging the beef, not stealing it."

Wha?!?!

Massaging. Beef. I think he meant the steak. And frankly, I'd rather have him yankin' "it" in the store instead of massaging some beef. I expect you to treat "it" like a joystick. I DO NOT want anyone massaging my beef... not without drinks first-- HA HA!

Nice lam-o attempt at a defense. I'm sure you'll get plenty of meat massaging behind bars. Tool.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-01-11T15:44:00.003-05:00

That spot between your ears needs some TLC.....

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat."

-- Napoleon Hill

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 10, 2010 Edition

2010-01-10T13:29:00.005-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Hurl inducing

Dude's got a Tony Award nomination, but he can't quit the realty TV game. He's dating socialite Tinsley Mortimer for her upcoming CW reality show "Empire State." He might as well just go work for that male brothel in Nevada... By the by, that's not love she's feeling. It's nausea-- like when you eat bad coleslaw.

2. Katie Holmes

Offense: Bordering on lunacy

This fool wants to get a tattoo to show her devotion to her hubby, Tom. She got the bright idea from her BFF Posh Spice, who honored The Becks with one. First of all, way to be a follower! Secondly, even Tom (who's a little nutty himself) thinks it's a bad idea. Whatcha gonna get inked? "Ur the jumper to my couch" or perhaps "Nanu Nanu." That's special.

1. Mariah Carey

Offense: Whack job

She was honored as Breakout Actress at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and ruined it all by giving a drunkass acceptance speech. Drinking and talking NOT her strong suit. Being a pampered, obnoxious princess who looks like a stuffed sausage, IS. Please, go away!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes......... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Why stupid people should NOT reproduce...

2010-01-09T10:13:00.003-05:00

... because they make stupid offspring! And unfortunately, The Stoopids are overtaking the planet!

Case in point-- this from Covington, Louisiana.

45-year-old mental midget Tim Williams and his 12-year-old daughter were arrested for an alleged practical joke went wrong. These two thought it'd be a hoot-n-a-holler to drive on the highway in his pickup truck with the girl sitting in the passenger seat bound and gagged with duct tape. Motorists called authorities after seeing the "kidnapping" in progress. Several boxed in Williams' moving pickup truck until police could catch up to them.

Beats playing Parcheesi, I suppose.

Perhaps their original prank idea went sour: "Daddy, why don't you pretend to give me the pickle tickle again?"

Yeah....

xoxo,
RiRi

Really?

2010-01-05T17:09:00.003-05:00

SKINNY JEANS

A recent survey from Special K (that crappy cereal) reveals that 29 percent of women say fitting into their "skinny" jeans again would be better than sex.

Say WHAT!?!

29 percent is waaay too high. Maybe one percent. But 29 percent? I know there's some bad ween out there, but when everything evens-out, nothing is better than sex. Sure, lots of money is great. You can buy sex. Chocolate is great. You can slather someone in chocolate and then have sex. Get it? Obviously not since a pair of pants is more exciting than what's inside them!

Fitting back into your skinny jeans could get you sex. Are you gonna turn it down because you just want to strut around all proud in your fuckin' jeans?

Get a grip. Or better yet, get a toy and vibe your brain into remembering why sex rocks.

29 percent... please.

Rant concluded.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2010-01-04T12:48:00.002-05:00

Deep thoughts to penetrate your mind...

"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."

-- George Eliot

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-12-28T08:43:00.002-05:00

Some inspiration for the last week of 2009...

"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."
-- Anatole France

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

A box wrapped in a box...

2009-12-21T14:14:00.003-05:00

Dear Santa...

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... and a vagina necklace!

What. The. Fuck.

There really is vaj jewelry out there. Jessica Marie is her name. Started designing poon pendants a year ago when she needed to "reconcile" with her own coochie. Okay...

You must check out her website. www.vulvalovelovely.etsy.com

There are other assorted things that celebrate the vaj.

Maybe you can get something for the mom-in-law because she's the ultimate twat. Just sayin'...

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. You buy me this for Christmas, and it will be on the only pussy you're getting for a decade. And you will eventually get carpel tunnel, so don't even go there...

Mental Massage

2009-12-21T14:09:00.003-05:00

So soothing...

"Joy is prayer. Joy is strength. Joy is love. Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls."

--Mother Teresa

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-12-14T13:43:00.002-05:00

A dose of the good stuff...

"Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother."

-- Barbara Johnson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

2009-12-13T13:01:00.002-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Opening her mouth

Guess strutting around isn't enough for her. Now, she's gotta commit noise pollution by singing. Yes, she plans on putting out... a single... called "High." Just because you've banged a few rock stars and can play the skin flute doesn't make you musical. Stick to what you do best-- trying to look like a 20-year-old with your fake-bake, barely-there clothing, bad tatts and peroxide hair. If you didn't have the fake boobalas, you'd be extra pathetic... wait.....

2. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Touched by idiocy

Hulk and Linda have been split-up, divorced-- whatever-- for a while. Yet, these two keep acting like brats on the playground. Hulk wants his antique, wooden toilet seat back. He claims Linda stole that and some other stuff from their home. Really? What is so special about a toilet seat? You put your ass on it! Obviously, this is where your brains are stored. Maybe you're letting them out to breathe when you sit. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to get a life!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Cesspool of ick

Last week, you were slapped for not covering your trail. This week, you're just plain gross. 13 women!?!?! With no protection!?!? What's your excuse gonna be? You're mourning your dad still; I'm not happy at home; I'm a sex addict. Blah, blah, blah. No wonder you can't sleep at night-- it's called guilt. Which means there might be a slim chance of hope for you. My mind can't even conceive what kind of karma is gonna come your way. I have a feeling it might be crusty and oozing-- but that's just me. Anywho, you out douchebagged Jon Gosselin, which is really hard to do. Deal with that.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-12-07T14:06:00.002-05:00

Time to clear the mind clutter...

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."

--Barbara De Angelis

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 6, 2009 Edition

2009-12-06T12:34:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Bach

Offense: Hypocrite

All those times you ragged your well-deserving ex-hubby David Hasselhoff, it seems you are just as bad. Sure, there's no video of you rolling around on the bathroom floor shirtless and flabby eating a burger. You're way worse than your leather-clad ex, because YOU got behind the wheel of a car. Very not cool. Perhaps you two can get rooms next to each other in rehab and out-whine each other to death. That would make the rest of us happy.

2. The Salahis

Offense: Losers

Do you not have any real friends? Seriously. Expending valuable time and energy crashing events is bizarre, and in your case, against the law! Your entire life is based on fiction. Join a knitting club or play laser tag or something! I bet it's because you have something to hide-- like the two of you are really squirrel-fondlers from the hills of West Virginia!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Caught with pants down, so to speak

Sure, it's a bit disappointing that someone who portrayed an air of class is really an ass. It's actually our fault for forgetting that you're just a man. A man who has a hang-low that dominates every waking moment. And because the previously-mentioned hang-low results in lack of thought, let me remind you-- COVER YOUR TRAIL! Or is that "tail?" No texts. No voicemails. No emails. Duh! You're giving stupid a bad name!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Sha La La La

2009-12-03T12:39:00.003-05:00

Meredith Baxter is-- gasp-- a lesbian! Whatever. More importantly, that completely changes the Family Ties theme song, "Without Us"... allow me to help.

"With Our Muffs"

I had liked those franks and beans for a million years

But after time, the jugs and pink taco I liked more

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

We could rub 'em together or use a vibe or two

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

=========

Munch away, Meredith. Munch. Away.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-11-30T17:05:00.002-05:00

A jolt of positivity....

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime, you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything."

-- Mary Hemingway

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-11-23T13:47:00.003-05:00

Feel the positivity...

"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."

--Voltaire

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

2009-11-22T10:19:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Delusional

We all have "The List" in the event that some Hollywood hottie would actually want to say "Hi" to us. It's fun. It's a game. With this mini-Buddha, it's for real. On his "hit list" is Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port. Puh-leez. Lindsay, sure. But the other two? Good luck. Now we have proof positive that you are indeed insane. There is no way I'd even let you touch my cookies. None. Nada. Never. Even if you paid me. Keep your egg roll to yourself!

2. Kathie Lee Gifford

Offense: Humorless

Poor woman is all upset because Kristen Wiig did a sketch making fun of her on SNL. Boo hoo. Stop taking yourself so seriously and be grateful that someone remembers who you are! On top of being angry, Kathie Waaa is threatening to sue. Come on. We should sue you for that awful Carnival Cruise song you did last century. Don't you have some bridge to go hide under, you troll?

1. Speidi-- that's Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Offense: Too numerous to list

The lovable Al Roker and these two ninnies got into an argument on-air a while back. Basically, Al called them out on all their bullshit. They took offense, because they have Jesus on their side. Spencer took to his Twitter account to slander Al, saying he was old, fat and the most offensive-- abusive to women. Spencer, you're not funny. Not in the slighest. And seriously, don't hide behind God. By the by, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you. In Exodus 10:15: "God looked down from the mountain and told Spencer to STFU!" Amen.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Disgraceful

2009-11-17T15:44:00.003-05:00

This is just wrong.

Is nothing sacred anymore? What lowlife piece of trailer trash desecrates Big Boy!?! Wait, I just answered that...

My beloved boy with the big, blue eyes, jet black hair and squeezability has been transformed into a hill-squatin' (I really don't know what that means, but it sounds bad) mascot! NOOOOO!

Some of my best childhood memories involved Dad grabbin' a sack of Big Boy burgers on the Fridays when he and Mom had a little extra cash. We would drive our "new" beater car to the local airport and watch the planes land. Yummy, juicy double-stacked burgers with special sauce... and fries. Ah, those were the days.

And now, the poor boy has obvious pit and crotch issues, might like dick, and has a Hitler mustache.

I'm praying to the Gods of All Things Good that Big Boy had the last laugh and crushed his stank-breath violators with the burger that's supposed to be in his raised hand! But I'm afraid that some redneck is using the burger as a coffee table, or even worse, as his part of his love nest. Vurp.

By the by, my friend snapped this photo on the way to a sales call. I guess the folks out in the country have nothing better to do than pull some cow teets and desecrate a part of Americana!

I'm okay now... deep, cleansing breath.....

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-11-16T13:09:00.002-05:00

A jolt a positivity for your brain...

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

-- Jimmy Dean

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

2009-11-15T09:30:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Lack of tact

She's got a pretty popular song with "Party in the USA." Instead of being grateful, she says she didn't think it was gonna be popular and doesn't really listen to Jay-Z music. Because simply saying that she was happy the song is doing well and leaving it at that would be too obvious. Perhaps she's suffering from some type of disease which explains her lack of class: like, Footinmouthitis, Dumbhillbillycus, or Whoreusinthemaking.

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Unbelievable B.S. Spewer

Rihanna bravely shared the details of the horrific incident between her and Chris because she realizes how many young girls look up to her. Meanwhile, Chris needs to fire his PR person, because he should never have responded to Rihanna's interview. He felt the details should "remain a private matter." You know, that's exactly what an abuser says! Let's not talk about it, so it'll go away. Like it never happened. It did happen. And while he says he accepts responsibility, the eyes don't lie. I don't know what else to say. But this does come to mind-- you're a repulsive maggot!

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: King of Planet Stupid

Didn't take long for this waste of space to ask Michael's estate for a monthly allowance-- to the tune of $15,000. What do you need a monthly allowance for, Crypt Keeper? For more belts to whip small children with? For booze to ply Al Sharpton with so you can get him between the sheets? For that pimpin' wardrobe that went out of style with "Starsky and Hutch?" And if that weren't bad enough, you look like a fossilized Mr. Potato Head!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Suck it. Please.

2009-11-09T13:59:00.003-05:00

A radio friend of mine does a bit where she goes-off on stupid stuff. Because let's face it-- when you have some intelligence, being surrounded by bottom-feeders and inbreds can be quite aggravating. Some people take exception to brutal honesty. Case in point: an irrate emailing listener.
==============
Dear Gina:

This morning while taking my children to school, you were doing your usual dish. TONE IT DOWN!

As you're screaming "You SUCK!" about someone, I'm thinking, "No, Gina, YOU SUCK" if that's all the better language choice you have in your vocabulary.

It went on and on and I had to turn the radio off.

Respectfully,

Deborah F
=============

Gina's response:

Dear Deborah: (I assume the "F" stands for "fuckhead?"-- see my vocabulary is QUITE expansive-- ooh, that's a three-syllable word! Bonus Scrabble!)

I'm truly sorry you were offended by my extremely popular bit, which I've done EVERY DAY at the same time for TWO YEARS. Somebody had a dick in their ear again!

And thanks for saying I suck. I do suck. Well. At least that's what your husband said last night.

Respectfully,
Gina Foxx

P.S. God bless.
=============

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-11-09T13:27:00.004-05:00

Simply beautiful words of encouragement...

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast-- you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

--Eddie Cantor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 8, 2009 Edition

2009-11-08T09:01:00.004-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. A-Rod

Offense: Over-inflated sense of self

According to sources, Kate Hudson is trying to get A-Rod to evolve into a less-egotistical human. Cuz, he's having a hard time with that. Apparently, this self-lover has two painted portraits in his home of himself as a centaur-- the mythical, legendary half-man/half-horse. Weird! Wouldn't it be more appropriate to have a painting of a half-man/half-donkey known as an A-Rass? Seriously.

2. Kevin Spacey

Offense: Rude and Nasty

I love you, Kevin Spacey, but I cannot overlook this. A waiter was fired from his job becasue he upset Kevin and his dinner party by asking them not to smoke. Because it's illegal. Apparently, Kevin believes it's his world and we're just living in it. He completely cussed-out the poor waiter and told him to "get the fuck away from my table!" Perhaps since Kevin lives in England some of the time he left his manners there. Maybe we need to speak your language. Straighten up or prepare for some fish and chips to be bum-rushed into your pseudo-limey backside!

1. Andre Agassi's Dad

Offense: Worse than a sister-lovin' hillbilly

In his autobiography, Andre says his dad gave him speed before some tournaments so he could win. Unacceptable. Sorry, Mr. Loser that your life was so unfullfilling you had to ply your son, your flesh and blood, with drugs so he-- and you-- could be a champion. You need your sack ripped off and placed in a clear box around your neck so the world will know that you're not worthy of your own manjuice. Because, quite simply, you're an incompetent non-human. And did I mention-- you suck!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Got hurl?

2009-11-07T13:07:00.002-05:00

Just like Syrup of Ipecac or sticking your finger down your throat, this will make you hurl.

That's all I got.

xoxo,
RiRi

Making dumb look smart...

2009-11-03T13:37:00.003-05:00

Wow. Just... Wow. And she told the cops she'd been "drinking all night long."

Guess she was working under the premise: "Honesty is the best policy." Too bad she got into the car in the first place, because she could've easily killed someone. Will she get in trouble for talking on a cell phone while driving? Could she have started a trend where people just start confessing stuff?

911: "What's your emergency?"
Dolt: "Someone just robbed the bank."
911: "Did you get a look at the suspect?"
Dolt: "He looks a lot like me."
911: "Like you?"
Dolt: "Actually, it's me."
911: "You robbed the bank."
Dolt: "Yeah."

Think how much easier crime solving will be...

xoxo,
RiRi

Oooh, That Smell

2009-11-02T15:09:00.004-05:00

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that older ladies MUST wear obnoxious/toxic floral perfume?

I have nothing against flowers. Love them! But when the one-stall ladies room smells like an orgy of flowers-- not so cool. Does menapause cause the olfactory sense to shut down? Did you smell like this 30-years ago? If so, how did you ever get laid? Sweatin' up the sheets with you would be like boppin' Pigpen-- only with stanky-ass perfume!

Putrid. When I open the bathroom door, it's like that green funk that killed Egypt's firstborn in the Ten Commandments.

By the way, you're not hiding a damn thing. It just smells like a rose-covered turd. Gag. Because of you, over-perfumed-toilet-violatin-coworker, my kidneys are floating because I have to walk to the hotel a block over to tinkle. No way am I gonna get pinned with your shit-- literally.

Less is more, ho-bag.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-11-02T13:42:00.003-05:00

Let's fill that brain place with some positivity....

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Wishing is not enough; we must do."

--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

2009-11-01T09:49:00.003-05:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Delusional

"Dad of The Year" is making the talk show circuit in his quest to save his poor daughter Lindsay from a life of peril and dismay. Claiming he "hates to speak out publicly," Michael made an emotional plea-- on TV-- saying he'd do anything to save her life. Please. I doubt you really want to help your daughter, because there would be no more publicity! How 'bout you shut your trap and actually try to be more intelligent than your shoe! Right now, you're not a dad. You're a just a sperm donor.

2. Levi Johnston

Offense: Speaking

This Einstein says he's gonna spill all the beans about Sarah Palin cuz she started it first. "It came out that Sarah didn't like me, and nobody in the family liked me. So there." Wow. Well-spoken. I'm sure you're "this close" to some kind of scientific breakthrough with all that brain activity going on. NOT! For the love of all things sacred, tell your secrets to a newspaper reporter so we never have to hear your caveman voice again. Piece of advice-- stick to what you're good at. Like taking off your clothes and keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

1. Richard Heene

Offense: The Ultimate Dickbag

Some people should never reproduce. And Richard Heene is a prime example. He's used his children as props and pawns and actors since birth. Literally. Video is floating about out there of Richard, 10-years ago, trying to shove a cigar into the mouth of his then-infant son. Oh, and the baby is holding an empty beer bottle. This is never cute or funny. It's sad and riddiculous. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, douchesniffer. Bubba's waiting for you behind bars with his own ideas on how to iniate you into his world of reality!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

BTN

2009-10-26T14:11:00.006-04:00

"Mr. Right Enough"

I was disturbed by an article I read in some women's magazine that I can't remember, but I do remember the article... it was all about how women should settle.

The premise: women in their 20s encounter men who are 8s (out of 10, I suppose) but turn them down because they don't match their ideal man. And by the time an unnattached woman reaches the tender age of 40, she should settle for Mr. Right Now. Because the great men in their 40s are married. So just pick the best of what's left and be so gosh-darned happy! I've overheard some ladies talking about this very thing. Talking about how so-and-so isn't the greatest, but he's BTN-- Better Than Nothing.

Gag.

Sorry, but I value myself a little more than that. I get that there is no knight-in-shining armour, but is settling the answer? Is getting married to the first available pseudo-hunk (see above) the answer? Is letting some snaggle-tooth stick his beef jerky inside you the answer cuz at least it's connected to a warm, but probably funky-smelling body?

Hell fucking no.

When you settle for a guy, everyone knows you settled for a guy and then you become a pathetic vortex of snickering and gossip. How is that good for you? It's not. Wake up.

I can't believe a woman wrote that article. Judas!

There is one version of Mr. Right Now that's perfectly acceptable: Go on the prowl for a young "cub." Have a fun night. Then leave. If you had settled for some nice dude with three nipples you wouldn't be able to smack some young ass.

You're welcome.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-10-26T13:55:00.003-04:00

Like the H1N1 vaccine-- except for your mind...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-- Maya Angelou

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

2009-10-25T10:55:00.005-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar Getty

Offense: Pathetic

These two probably deserve each other. She, with her Bermuda Triangle crotch. And he, with his wandering trouser snake. These two have decided to hook-up. Maybe they're working under the premise that two wrongs make a right. Or put two funky people together and they smell like roses. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Getty, when you wake up one morning and junior has left the region.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Tooltastic

Dude turned down an appearance on a radio show because he wanted 12-grand and didn't get it. His P.R. mouth justified the outrageous demand, saying Jon's "fun and witty" and that his mere prescence is worth it. I'm sure he is-- if you live on Planet Nimrod. Otherwise, he's simply a blithering idiot. There's nothing cool or mysterious about him. In fact, here's an ancient Chinese secret about him that's not so secret-- you sucky long time!

1. Heidi Pratt

Offense: Shameless

This fine "Christian" wouldn't attend her sister's birthday party unless she got paid. Really. Cuz Heidi only goes places she's paid to go. Which, in essence, makes her a ho. What would our Heavenly Father say about that? He would say: Thou shalt quit being a biotch and quit being as fake as your boobies, and your personality, and your hair... and-- why the fuck did I create you?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes........ SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

2009-10-23T14:36:00.004-04:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAPA RITER!

Pops is another year older. And if it weren't for his nest of white hair, you'd never know how old he really is.

On this day, I reflect on some tender moments between a dad and his little girl:

1. When I was little and we'd get those "Adopt Maria" fliers in the mail, you told me you were gonna "trade me in." I cried for a few hours, then you let me off the hook.

2. Homecoming my Freshman year in high school. I never got the chance to get kissed by Steve because you yelled at mom to throw on the porch light and greet us at the door as his car pulled in. He didn't even walk me to the door because he feared retribution. I heard your laughter in the background, by the by.

3. The totally cool moment when you threatened that carload of toolbags that followed me home from school one day. Thankfully, you were already home from work and standing in the driveway. The boys thought they had game when they got out of the car. (I was scared shitless.) You went into the garage, got your gun and posed the poignant question: "Do you dickheads wanna die today?" Yup, the said dickheads left-- never to be seen again! lol

Love you, Dad. You truly are the last of the real men!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

2009-10-20T13:43:00.003-04:00

Today Mom celebrates her "29th" birthday... again. Funny how I'm older that her now.

I want to thank you mom, for being born then eventually birthing me. I hope you enjoy your gifts from the heart, the fine meal I will prepare, and the wine I'm going to ply you with this weekend so you won't ask if I will give you a grandchild by your next birthday. Hey, it was you who told me men are like shoes: there are plenty of Keds hanging around, but why not wait for Christian Louboutin?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

xoxo,

Your offspring

Just call him "Dick"

2009-10-19T15:37:00.003-04:00

RICHARD HEENE

Well, well, well... Balloon fucks. Looks like someone's in biiiig trouble!

Charges most likely will come by the end of the week for the Heene's. And I have no compassion for people who lack a moral compass. Fuck. Off. It's one thing for you and your hag to be liars, but to use your children as "players" in your sick and twisted fame-seeking game-- unacceptable. Poor 6-year-old Falcon, your son-- the boy we thought may have fallen out of your redneck time machine -- was throwing up on live TV, obviously unable to cope with all the lies. And I'm sure you don't give a damn about the family whose wheat crop your stunt destroyed when your balloon landed. They only get a full crop every two years. And now-- this year is ruined.

For the love of God what happened to Survival of the Fittest?!? Bring it!

Oh, and I don't find it coincidental that Heene rhymes with weenie.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-10-19T13:15:00.002-04:00

Mmmmm.... cranium lovin'......................

"Happiness doesn't depend on what we have, but it does depend on how we feel toward what we have. We can be happy with little and miserable with much."

--William Dempster Hoard

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 18, 2009 Edition

2009-10-18T14:11:00.005-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. David Hasselhoff
Offense: Hot Mess
So who's the drunken fool now? Apparently, you, David Mazel Tov. Dude got so drunk at Simon Cowell's 50th birthday bash that he couldn't walk. He had to be hospitalized for two days! I'm sure he was regaling the partygoers with tales from his days a primo piece of Baywatch man candy. Actually, he's more like that piece of Bit O' Honey candy that you begrudingly took from your grandma so you wouldn't hurt her feelings, and you left it in your pocket and it became a molten mess-- like David Hasselhoff!

2. David Letterman
Offense: Reprehensible
You're a man in the entertainment business, and therefore, you're more inclined to be a dog because you can. Not that it's right, but we get it. However, it is completely tasteless to take your mistress on vacay with your wife-to-be and your son. Ick. Gross. Dispicable! How can you look yourself in the mirror? Now we know why you named your company Worldwide Pants. You obviously want to spread your lovin' around Planet Earth. If I were your wife, I'd put my foot between the gap in your front teeth!

1. Billy Ray Cyrus
Offense: Desperate dickbag
Billy Ray's got his tightie whities in a bunch because his little moneymaker Miley has abandoned the Twitter world. Oh, the humanity! He's begged her, via Twitter, to come back because she's "a light in a world of darkness." Gag. Let's be honest. Daddy needs to stockpile a much money as he can, cuz when she turns 18-- game over! Billy Ray gonna be cryin' in his mullet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,
RiRi

It's. On.

2009-10-13T13:13:00.006-04:00

I hate it when people fight dirty. You know what I mean. Ad campaigns for political office who slam their opponent instead of focusing solely on what makes them the right person for the job.

Now, it's a state vs. state battle. Kentucky is trying to lure young Ohioans to their state. Not by painting a picture of what a great place Kentucky is, but on how shitty Ohio is. The marketing firm that created these series of ads even calls a fictional city in Ohio "Oblivion" and a fictional city in Kentucky "Possibility."

How clever!

1. I'm not the first one to say it, and I won't be the last. But really, are you proud of state who's initials are KY?

2. Yes, I see the possibilities in Kentucky. I can probably marry my brother legally, so all that fuckin' "tain't so bad after all."

3. This from a state that pronounces Louisville, Loo-ah-ville. Guess all you toothless bastards have a hard time saying stuff.

Let's face it. You're really just jealous of Ohio. Cuz when you look at a map of the U.S., you're really just Ohio's left ball, hanging next to your relative-scrompin-brothers-West Virginia-- aka, Ohio's right ball.

Now, get back to your double-wide (and I don't mean yo momma.) Your tv dinner's ready.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-10-12T14:00:00.004-04:00

Time for some cranium lovin'...

"Great minds have purposes; others have wishes."

-- Washington Irvin

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 11, 2009 Edition

2009-10-11T14:33:00.003-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Down dirty dawg

Some young hoochie momma claims Beyonce's daddy fathered her unborn child. Oops! Bet your wife of 23 years is soooo pleased to know you've been dippin' and slippin' where you shouldn't be. How ironic that you're gonna be livin' some Destiny's Child/Beyonce tunes real soon-- like "Bills, Bills, Bills;" "Ring The Alarm;" and "Beautiful Liar." You're old enough to know better, Matthew! Wrap. It. Up.

2. LeAnn Rimes

Offense: Psycho

Not only is LeAnn a man stealer, but she's apparently a spiteful stalker. Eddie Cibrian's ex says LeAnn is 'space invading' her by moving in the same 'hood as her, which is near her son's school! What are you gonna do next? Break into her house and sniff her panties? Creepy! Now that you've won the ween, perhaps you can concentrate on your singing career. I think a cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy" is a perfect fit.

1. Lamar Odom

Offense: Manic

Guess it's not only chicks that have marriage on the brain. Lamar was dating actress Taraji Henson. He was so in love with her, he proposed. She freaked because she thought it was too soon. One week later, Lamar met Khloe K. and now they're blissfully pseudo-wed. If you wanted a kindred spirit to wed, you should've snagged Jennifer Love Hewitt. Girl's dying to be a missus. Lamar, thy name is desperation. And it stank like Heidi Fleiss' neither regions.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Project Cruise

2009-10-07T16:16:00.004-04:00

In the latest issue of Elle magazine, Katie Holmes reveals that her alien hubby Tom Cruise critiques her clothing.

"He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that."

I'm sure she dilligently obeyed her master and changed into a more pleasing outfit immediately.

If Tom made that comment to me, I would've said: "That's a lovely shade of dick you're wearing."

Fucktard.

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

2009-10-07T13:28:00.002-04:00

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

February 11, 2010 = Taylor's 18th birthday.

Hurry up so I don't feel like such a perv!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

2009-10-06T13:43:00.005-04:00

YAAAAY! FAKE ORANGE JUICE, KOREAN STYLE!

Now that Dad is retired, he keeps himself busy. Which is a good thing, because he'll go insane otherwise. Busy means, at least, weekly trips to my palatial estate. We usually do a food trade: Dad brings whatever, and I satisfy his sweet tooth.

Dad hands me a can of this orange juice. It's not really a juice. It's orange DRINK (there's 31 grams of sugar in this bad boy.) Big difference. But to my parents "juice" and "drink" are the same. They poured Hi-C down my throat for years. Anywho, dad swears this Bon-Bon crap is the "best orange juice I've ever had. It has pulp in it." I didn't have the heart to tell him you can buy orange juice with pulp in it.

The drink vs. juice argument is not what fascinates me here. What does fascinate me are all the subliminal messages on this can of swill!

1. A drink with "sac"!? I was prepared to see a pair of kiwis on the underside of the can.

2. The orgasmic orange. Look at that pulsating orange shooting pulp all over the place!

3. Bon Bon. Didn't Ricky Martin want me to shake my "Bon Bon"!?

Since this is the "best," I had to give it a try. Would I tingle? Would I explode with pleasure just like the orange?

I chugged. Yes! I feel something. I chugged some more! Again! And Again! And then-- nothing.
I felt empty. Just like the calories in this "juice." Empty, just like a tramp that takes a dude home at the end of the night and realizes he's not Prince Charming.

xoxo,

RiRi

Dwoink

2009-10-05T13:58:00.005-04:00

That's a word my bff's 11-year-old daughter likes to throw around. Guess it's the little kiddie version of "douchebag." No real definition for 'dwoink,' except it can be applied to most mouth-breathing idiots that roam our fair Earth.

Dwoink reminds me of the sound a turd makes when it hits the bottom of the bowl, or in words: Jon Gosselin.

Clearing out $230,000 from a joint bank account is wrong. And it violates an arbitrator's ruling. And it's wrong. I guess he forgot that Happy Meals don't grow off trees in the backyard. Or maybe he thinks his 8 children are old enough to work for money to buy the food and clothes and other things they need. Did I mention this is wrong?

Either this motherfucker is insane or he's just a complete pube. Or perhaps a bit of both. Again, real men of this world, I implore you to ask this cretin to hand his balls back. Kick him out of the club.

Dwoink, indeed.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-10-05T13:33:00.003-04:00

Sometimes life bitch slaps you. This will make you feel better...

"Things do not change; We change"

-- Henry David Thoreau

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 4, 2009 Edition

2009-10-04T12:47:00.005-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tawny Kitaen

Offense: Trainwreck

The "hactress" busted again for DUI. It's like the millionth time. What happened, Tawny? You were good in "Bachelor Party." Of course, you weren't in the movie very much. And those smokin' moves in all those Whitesnake videos-- awesome! But now the only thing you're writhing on these days is a case of Jack. Pathetic. You're definitely no sweet kitty. Sourpuss-- for many reasons I'm sure-- you are.

2. Pamela Bach and The Hoff (smackin' him for fun!)

Offense: Pam's a B.S. Artist

Seems I mis-slapped The Hoff last week. He may not have been a drunken mess, this time. Ex-wife Pamela wanted a little revenge and called 911 on him. Three words: Get. Over. It. There are plenty of other tools to stalk. David's got enough going against him: bad botox, an over-inflated sense of self, and hideous man perm. Don't add to it. My head's gonna explode. Just like his pants, which are way too tight for a man his age. Air needs to circulate there!

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dastardly (I went to college, so I know big words and stuff)

Earlier this week, bipolar boy asked the court to hold-off on divorce proceedings for 90 days. We recall you saying how much you 'despise Kate." Now, he's stopped production on the TV show. What's that I'm hearing? That's the sound of your fratboy world crashing around you, mingled in with the laugher of us sane people who think you're a total fool. I've got a perfect new project for you: "Godzilla Versus Sack Scab." Guess who wins?

Get your cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.O.S.

2009-10-03T16:17:00.005-04:00

This is Tracey Isabitch, "The Biggest Loser" Contestant...

And one of the biggest psycho whorebags I've seen on the show.

She has those 'crazy eyes.' And on this week's installment, she basically fucked everyone over. Yes, game play is a part of this show. But she's just a lowdown, con artist who really believes her own bullshit. In one challenge, she ate a bunch of cupcakes so she could control the game. She won. Bitch ain't ever seen a cupcake she hasn't shoved between her cheeks. So, she got to pick which member of each team would have their weight loss count. Oh, props to trainer Jillian for cussing this turd out. I think I'd like to kiss Jillian... but back to the story.

Hatecy screwed everyone over. Then, she gets on the scale and pulls an 11-pound weight loss, which is huge. Like her ass. NO ONE clapped for her. Great shot of trainer Bob who was about to clap and didn't. Then she was all pissy because no one clapped for her. Suck it.

Previews for next week's show alludes to a possible injury for the bitch. Oh if karma played out that quickly..... I want to say I hope she falls into a boiling vat of chocolate, cuz wouldn't THAT be ironic, but I'm gonna try to be nice. Ha.

Can't wait to see Tuesday's show!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. POS stands for Piece of Shit. XL in this case.

Evil

2009-10-03T08:04:00.004-04:00

Lookie here. Isn't she such a sweet looking old granny? She's a fucking psycho bitch who needs to become fertilizer.

=====================
EUCLID -- Resident Dorothy Richardson, 76, was found guilty of animal abuse in Euclid Municipal Court for beating a fawn to death at her home in early July. She was fined $500, sentenced to 30 days in jail with all days suspended, and must perform 80 hours of community service.

She had been charged with two counts of misdemeanor animal abuse but one was dismissed.

She had originally pleaded not guilty to both counts but changed her plea to no contest on the one count when the first count was dismissed.

She was also told not to engage in that kind of activity again.

Richardson said she was defending herself when she beat to death a 25-pound fawn that was crouched in her flower bed, then stuffed the fawn's body in a cardboard box and put it out on trash day.

A widow, she said she has been defending her garden against deer for years and this time took a shovel and beat the fawn until it died.

She said the fawn's eyes contacted hers, like he was going to jump and bite her head off.

After the incident, Euclid City Councilman Christopher Gruber says Richardson told him something different.

Gruber says Richardson said she hit it once and, according to her, it screamed and she hit it two more times, then she said that what she wanted to do was put it at the end of the yard so the other deer know not to mess with her.

She had faced up to 60 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.
================
This hag wasn't afraid. She completely intended to kill the fawn. There are other ways to handle animals in your yard and flower gardens. This ain't cool.

I'm hoping for Stephen King-style justice. The deer gather together with a plot to get some retribution from this loser. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean.

xoxo,
RiRi

Bitchstick

2009-10-01T16:13:00.002-04:00

Rumor has it Ms. Palin is "actively seeking" a beauty endorsement deal. Hhhmmm, I know some of you idiot men see her as prime MILF material, but really? Cover Girl material? Bleh.

I'm sure Wet n Wild could use a celeb like her, someone who's a little of both.

She wants to capitalize on that whole "lipstick on a pitbull" quip she didn't even write. Perhaps a shade of lipstick that makes the wearer disappear? I would LOVE that-- on her. I guess "lipstick on a twat" isn't as catchy.

xoxo,
RiRi

Addadictomy

2009-09-29T13:30:00.003-04:00

Wannahaves.com came up with the Top 10 Best Movies for Men:

10. Resrvoir Dogs
9. Natural Born Killers
8. Die Hard
7. Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
6. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
5. Goodfellas
4. Scarface
3. Pulp Fiction
2. The Shawshank Redemption
1. The Godfather Trilogy

Nice list. Then I realized that six of these movies I would consider favorites. 6 out of 10.
60-percent (I don't know if that's actually correct.) I'm a female. These are greatest movies for men.

Gulp.

Does that mean I'm a hermaphrodite? Will I wake up one day as Rosie O'Donnell? Do I have a deep-down urge to wear work boots and flannel? Or worse yet-- will I wake up one morning and my girl parts will be replaced with those... boy parts?

Eeek!

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-09-28T13:57:00.002-04:00

Ready for your positive vibe fix?

"Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts."

-- F.F. Bosworth

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 27, 2009 Edition

2009-09-27T10:23:00.003-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

Dishonorable Mention: Paris Hilton. She wants to put out-- a new CD, that is. Please. Don't.

3. John Edwards

Offense: Dispicable Douche

It came out that John promised his tramp, Rielle Hunter, a lovely rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews Band playing. Awww! Just as soon as his wife Elizabeth dies from cancer. Were you born without a soul? Rielle is just a trollop. She can't help it that her natural state of being is with her legs wide open. But you, on the other hand, are a lying, cheating, down-dirty pus-bag with no respect or class. I hope Elizabeth round-house kicks your fun marbles through your nose!

2. Suzanne Somers

Offense: Mouth runneth over

In light of Patrick Swayze's too recent passing, Suzanne says chemo caused his death. Since when did Mizz Saggybreasts become a doctor? Great. You've been able to slow down the aging process with hormones and New Age treatments, but now is not the time to speak. It's too soon. So, kindly go choke on a Thighmaster. Feel that burn, big mouth!

1. David Hasselhoff

Offense: Lying to yourself

Let's be real. It wasn't some weirdo inner ear issue/medication combo that made you appear to be a drunken mess. You ARE a drunken mess. You've been videotaped lying on a bathroom floor, shirtless with your moobs suffocating from your grey chest hair, all while inhaling a greasy cheeseburger. Because sober people do that all the time! We aren't buying it. Get help. Even K.I.T.T. is ashamed of you.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Be Afraid

2009-09-27T09:06:00.003-04:00

What could possibly be worse than PMS? Anyone? PMS-HD.

In this age of technology and super-size-this, I swear, PMS has gotten worse. The women I know seem scarier than usual every three weeks. Perhaps nature needs to be even bad-assier. (Yes, I made that word up. Deal.) I personally blame the Always company. I never noticed their cutesy little slogan before now:

"Always: Have a Happy Period."

What. The. Fuck. Really? Obviously some dude conceptualized this lam-o slogan, because let me tell you-- there is no such thing as a "happy" period. You're just hoping to get through the next 3-7 days without committing homicide.

There is no "traipsing through a field of lavender flowers, wind caressing the hem of my flowing dress while butterflies encircle my golden locks, all the while smiling and cooing because Mother Nature has brought me the essence that makes me a woman."

"Eat shit and die." That's usually uttered at an ignorant co-worker at least once during the assault on my no-no place. I don't recall ever skipping through the halls because I'm so happy to be bloated, bitchy, self-loathing, and brain-foggy.

And don't even dare say to any woman: "Just don't think about." Don't think about it!?!? When it feels like an encore of Riverdance on my uterus! How about someone speeding-bagging your nutsack for three days. Yeah, you'll be crying for your momma, so don't tell me not to think about it.

"Have a Happy Period." I will, once I shove this "cotton field with wings"down your throat.

PMS-HD. Makes you feel like you're really living it.... wait, I am.

xoxo,
RiRi

P.S. Pass the peanut M&Ms and nobody gets hurt.

No-mance Novels

2009-09-24T14:28:00.004-04:00

Happy 60th Anniversary, Harlequin!

"Oh, I just love romance novels! Don't you, Rita." (This from the Hobbit-esque sales woman in the building. Sales is not her strong suit. Wearing stank-ass, dime-store perfume is. )

"Fuck no. Hate them. The titles are lame. The "men" are obviously broke, because they never have a shirt. And the hair. Long and flowy like they walked out of some bizarro Michael Bolton House of Style. I have one romance novel, and I use it to prop my office door open."

"Oh. I think they're wonderful. So dreamy and romantic. These are great works of literature and it's a shame there isn't some kind of honor for these brilliant authors."

No wonder this broad can't sell a damn thing. Earth to Mrs. T-Rex.

The only good thing about a romance novel are the few pages devoted to the sex. My aunt used to read them all the time. As a little girl I would flip through her books, find the juicy parts, dog-ear the pages and tell her to save time by reading the 'good stuff.' She was mortified.

Okay, there are two things good about romance novels. The plethora of words and phrases referring to the male anatomy. And of course, it has to be a "throbbing" or "pulsing" or "swelling" "member" or "manhood" or "rocket." I guess dick, cock, wiener, wang, schlong and meat don't have enough sizzle.

Maybe Lack-of-Sales-Skills could integrate her love of romance novels into her sales pitches. She could ride into her next client meeting "on a horse wearing a corset accentuating her heaving bossoms. Her face wrought with determination, a burning desire in her loins to close the deal...."

Nauseating.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-09-21T17:06:00.002-04:00

Let this sink in... yes...

"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best anitode for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."

-- Grenville Kleiser

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 20, 2009 Edition

2009-09-20T10:30:00.006-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Megan Fox

Offense: Duuuuuhhhhhh

Yes, she's gorgeous. Yes, I'd say "Hi" to her. But for the love of humanity, shut up! We know you're wild. We know you're a freak-a-leak. We get it! Her latest pontifications in Rolling Stone magazine have her confessing that she has a temper and that she's threatened to kill Brian Austin Green before. You know, I'd like to slap you-- but you'd like that. So instead, I bring you a nation that ignores you, cellulite on your thighs, and that "Silence of the Lambs" mask for your face!

2. Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhart

Offense: inconsiderate non-professional

Paris backed-out of several commitments in Germany. If that weren't bad enough, she backed-out because of her pimple, known as Doug Reinhart. He didn't like the fact that one party was going to be held at an erotic table dance club. Seriously? That's your home-away-from home. And Ms. Thang has been known to dance on a table or two. Plus, I heard her momma slid down one of those poles and gave birth to her! Stop acting like you have class, because you don't!

1. Kanye West

Offense: Egomaniac

One Question: "Who the Hell are you?" For real. I don't think anyone has named you the Voice of America. Stealing the spotlight from that sweetie Taylor Swift was about as low as you've gone. All that bravado is nothin' but a front for an insecure, Caddyshack-gopher-face schmuck like you. Your brilliance as an artist is overshadowed by your mouth and brain refusing to co-exist in a harmonious relationship. I hope you're serious when you say you're gonna vanish for a while. By the way, this just in-- Kanye said he don' mean no disrespect to Amelia Earhart or Al Capone, but his disappearin' act is gon' be the best diasppearin' act of all time, boyeeeee."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Moron Move

2009-09-18T13:30:00.005-04:00

Klutz + Twisted Mind = Me

I hit both parts of the equation within an hour.

Klutz: I still haven't mastered walking after all these years, and managed to trip over my own feet while walking to my car. Really. I walk better after a few drinks.... probably because I'm concentrating on walking. I should I apply that daily. I really enjoyed the snickering from the lunchers sitting outside. Sigh...

Twisted Mind: I'm at the grocery store looking for Golden Mushroom Soup. Can't find it, cuz, it's moron move day. Friendly grocery store dude asks if I need help. My eyes are scanning the shelves; I kinda hear him talking... I reply: "Yeah. I'm looking for some Golden Shower Soup." Silence. I realize I just asked friendly grocery store dude for a can of kink. I'm suddenly sweating like a whore in church. I can't find this can of soup quick enough. Finally I spot a can, grab it and run.

I'm going to blame my allergy medicine... or my genetics. After all, my dad once asked for a "Great American Long Dong" at a hotdog stand instead of the "Great American Long DOG."

I got nothin' else.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-09-14T17:11:00.002-04:00

Time for some mental motivation...

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."

-- Mary Manin Morrissey

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 13, 2009 Edition

2009-09-13T12:09:00.003-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joanna Krupa

Offense: Sour grapes

This model/actress/air polluter is talking smack about "Dancing With The Stars" pretty boy Maks. Their spat goes back to that stupid show "The Superstars," where Maks won. Crappa says Maks is too impatient to work with anyone on the show, so she's glad she's not partnered with him. Whatever. We'll see how it all goes down on the show. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Or your foot? Or some duct tape? Anything that will make you zip it!

2. The Jackson Family

Offense: Beyond tacky

Yes. Jacko had some cash flow issues-- like no cash. But for the family to allow the funeral and after party to be taped? Come on. A&E is gonna use the footage and then there's gonna be a DVD. For sale. It's okay to occasionally draw a line and not step over it. Are you listening, Joe Jackson? Cuz we all know you're the one counting the chump change-- you knave!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Raging hormone

Guess when Johnnie's momma always told him to have a 'plan B' he really took it to heart. Well, actually--to his pants. His Plan B is supposedly Kristin Cavallari. Obviously, he's familiar with her "Hills," spending two years exploring the mountains while each of them were between regrets. I swear, his "little friend" is an act of his own. Perhaps John can do this whole new ventriloquist act, or a street corner pee-pee pantomime, or an illusionist-- watch me disappear into any available crotchal canyon...

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Giggles

2009-09-09T12:38:00.002-04:00

The scene: classroom full of first graders

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red=Cherry
Yellow=Lemon
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange

Finally, the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. So, the teacher gave a clue. "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-09-08T16:25:00.002-04:00

To let the Grrrr out in a healthy way, ponder this....

"You must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning."

-- Barbara Sher

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xox,

RiRi

Oh, Ma! Oh, Pa!

2009-09-07T13:33:00.004-04:00

The day after (wasn't that a movie? )... my cousin's wedding.

The ceremony was absolutely breathtaking and picturesque. My cousin looked so handsome with his boyish face, and the bride was beaming.

The trip to the nupitals was a bit harried. Dad did indeed bring his 'bodyguard'-- an old work buddy of his. And yes, he was packin' some heat. Cute little .38! I was smart enough to ride shotgun, because I needed to "assist dad with directions if needed." Plus, the thought of sitting in the backseat with Mom for 45 minutes without alcohol or any place to escape was a punishment no one deserves. My ticket to Heaven has already been punched, so why torture myself?

I knew my Dad was hard of hearing, but I didn't realize I needed to shout. All the time. So, we have mumbling Mom in the backseat trying to converse with Dad, who is shouting and not paying attention to the road. I finally convinced Dad that it was okay to go slightly above the speed limit so we could actually make it to the wedding on time.

Unfortunately, there was time to kill between the wedding and reception. I was gonna hang at the parental ranch, but realized, I needed a break. Whew! Sanity for an hour!

Then the reception. Dad confronted the photographer because everyone was told he never showed to do pictures at one location, and everyone was up-in-arms. Dad barked, "Hey, Asshole, why didn't you show up like you were supposed to, you..." The photog, sensing his impending death, corrected Dad. The limo driver is actually the one who abandoned the newlyweds. Somehow, they made it to the reception via bus. But fear not, we will track down the limo driver and serve a little justice. Dick.

Since Dad's friend was an uninvited guest, my Aunt (mother of the groom) asked who he was. She and my other relatives were waiting for an answer:

Rita: "That's mom's boyfriend. Now that Dad's retired, they've been doing all kinds of freaky things. And they have a lot of latex gloves. So, you know. You're never to old to get your swerve on."

Auntie: "What?"

Rita: "You've read STDs are big with the senior community? I can't believe I had to have the safe sex talk with my parents."

My other relatvies found this funny.... did I mention my Auntie is a strict Baptist. Ooops. Someone was being a smart-ass again!

At least it was open bar. Though I had to settle for Bacardi instead of my buddy the Captain, it did numb the pain of my Mom rambling, stumbling, nearly falling into a candle and "accidentally" grabbing a groomsman's ass.

Thank God I was able to text my bff. She talked me out of walking back home...

Some positives:
1. I got to hear a lot of Dad's "stories" on the way home. I love his stories!
2. I was only asked twice if I had a "man friend," and only once if I wanted to get married again.
3. I will never have to see some of these people again.
4. The whole 9-hour day only sucked one ass ball.

Yaaay!

Now, I need a nap.

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 6, 2009 Edition

2009-09-07T13:11:00.004-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Carrie Prejean

Offense: Opening her mouth

She's suing the Miss California USA organization--again-- this time for discrimination based on her religious beliefs. Yawn. Sigh. Gag. I thought this ninny had faded into the background, but her California-bought boobalas are baaaaack! Enough is enough. Why don't you ask yourself what would Jesus do? You know what Jesus would do? He would tell you to sit down and shut up and quit riding his holy coat tails! That's what Jesus would do!

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Complete and utter stupidity

He and his mommy were on Larry King the other night doing his whole mea culpa tour. Repulsive. Says he's still in love with Rihanna. Of course he is. Abusers are 'in love' with the 'object' they want to 'control.' It's called obsession. He also said he forgot what happened the night he beat her. Whatever. Too bad you didn't get prison time. I would've loved it if Bubba and the sisters used that friggin' baby blue Emmanuel Lewis-lookin' bowtie you were wearing as part of their colon cleanse welcome committee!

1. Spencer Pratt

Offense: Twit

Dude tells US Weekly mag that he's legally changing his name to King Spencer Pratt. And with good reason: because there's a Queen of England and a Prince William, so there needs to be a King of America. What? Spencer, you do know that England is another country, right? This vain, self-absorbed, fugly pimple on the ass of society is indeed the king of a few things: Delusionalville and Smallerweenertown. For the love all good things American. Go. A. Way. Thanks.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!
xoxo,

RiRi

Want some cheese to go with that whine?

2009-09-02T13:40:00.005-04:00

This might be the biggest toolbag roaming Planet Earth right now. And trust me, the competition is stiff. This pansy-ass motherf*cker is crying to Us Weekly mag that he "took a lot of abuse" from Kate.

Obviously, not enough. When I watched the show, at first, I did feel sorry for this dolt. Brow beaten all the time by the overbearing Kate. But now I know why-- you're a mouth-breathing, no working, ho-humpin' fool! She abused you?

Check out this quote from the modern day Confucious: "She'll call me, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." What in God's name does that mean? You talk like Beavis and Butthead!

If we give you a skirt, a tampon, some Midol and some chocolate will you STFU?

I'd call you a douche, but a douche has some purpose.

Rant concluded. Don't make me get all Old Testament on you....

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

2009-09-01T17:21:00.004-04:00

Weddings. A blissful day, celebrating two people who love each each other until "death do us part." It's a day Hallmark and Kleenex love, but others despise.

Like my Dad.

Dad has always been sarcastic, brutally honest and intimidating to most breathing things. Now add "extra deep-fried temper." (and he's medicated!) This is a lethal, yet entertaining combination.

He's been fretting... check that... slow-burning over my cousin's wedding for several reasons.
#1 Why on Labor Day weekend?
#2 Why on a Sunday? And I quote: "Who fucking does that bullshit?"
#3 Why is the "stupid-ass reception an hour away from the wedding, which even isn't in a church, there's no place to park, and it's in that big city on the Northcoast where scumbags live.....?"

It's my little cousin. And honestly, we'll probably never see him again unless someone croaks. He already knows the arrangements are a little... challenging... cuz a few month ago I asked: "Handed your balls over already? Might as well adjust as soon as possible."

So, Dad calls yesterday out of the blue with a proposition.

DAD: What do you think about renting a limo?
Rita: For what?
DAD: This goddamned fucking wedding I don't want to go to. I'm only going because your Mother and you are. (as if he has no free will.)
Rita: Dad-- that would be really expensive.
DAD: That's not what I asked!
Rita: (almost tinkling in her pants) Sure. Whatever you want.
DAD: Well, I'm not driving my car. It's paid off. I don't know where to park. What if someone hits my car? And, we're taking an armed guard with us.
Rita: What?!?! We're not going into Afghanistan or South Central. This isn't Boyz in The Hood. Please.
DAD: There's nothing but scumbags running around that city.
Rita: Seriously? An armed guard.
DAD: I ain't fucking around.

This from the man that was shot twice in Vietnam. This from the man who stabbed one of his co-workers with a fork in the hand because he made a smart-ass comment about me when I was in high school... Dad may be older, but he's still very large and very much in charge. (As Dad would say: "I may be too old to kick your ass, but you better believe I'm still thinking about it.")

Dad changed his mind about the limo. That's a whole different story.... So, Dad will drive us all to the blessed event... of course, now that he drives completely at the speed limit, it may take a while to get there. I am praying that the reception is open bar. Dad bitchin'; Mom trying to find me a man.... yeah... to quote a friend of mine: "that sucks ass balls." I don't really know what those are or what that means, but I'm presuming it will.

Be kind. Say a prayer.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

2009-08-31T15:32:00.003-04:00

Time to cancel out the noise with something more uplifting...

"Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye eye fixed on the far horizon will find the right road."

--Dag Hammarskjold

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

2009-08-31T13:57:00.003-04:00

RAFAEL NADAL

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

Hope to see much of your hard body on the hard courts of the U.S. Open!

Gulp.

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 30, 2009 Edition

2009-08-30T10:55:00.003-04:00

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Redmond O'Neal

Offense: Cellophane bitch-boy

This spoon-fed, soft-faced tool has signed a reality TV deal to chronicle his struggles with addiction. It has nothing to do with the fact that he won't get Farrah's money unless he's clean. In fact, "Redmond wants to do this to honor his Mother." Are you really buying your own bullshit? Seriously. You can't. That line ranks right up there with: "I'll respect you in the morning." Uh, we ain't buying it, Mr. Pansy-Pants!

2. Britney Spears

Offense: Idiot

She's got her life together. She looks good. She has her kids around her and a dude who's not a scrub. Yet, her inner white-trash, toxic-dump other half is still jonesin' for some Adnan Ghalib. Why? This dude is not only supremely douchy, but he looks like yesterday's leftover schwarma. He just wants to use you for your money and your funbags, then drop you like a dirty dish rag. Wake up!

3. Paula Abdul

Offense: Self-absorbed twit

She was supposed to guest star on 'Ugly Betty' but they couldn't handle her list of demands. So, they said bye-bye to her. She actually asked for a private jet to fly her overly-medicated bootay around! Really, who do you think you are? A good singer? Nope. Actress? Not really. "Inspiration to the universe of pretty unicorns and brave flowers on a dewy morning"... Rambling. That's what you're good at. If you're not careful, MC Skat Kat and his buddies Mr. Peanut and Chester Cheetah are gonna corner you and teach you some manners! Straight up, drama queen!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

The Double Bypass

2009-08-27T14:45:00.005-04:00

Oooh, my belly is grumblin'. I know what'll hit the spot like a ton of bricks:

KFC's "Double Down"

Fitting name. Talk about taking a gamble with your health! I guess they figured they could test-run this "sandwich" since they "done good" already with laying out that faux-grilled chicken stuff.

The Double Down is two fried chicken patties with cheese, bacon, and the Colonel's special sauce in between. First of all, the Colonel is dead. I don't want to know where you've been keeping his sauce all these years. Second of all, I'm over hearing about anyone's special sauce.

The PR peeps claim this concoction is 590 calories and 31 grams of fat. Excuse me, but my bullshit alarm just went off. Maybe in space where there's no gravity, that might be true. I'm no contestant on Biggest Loser or anything, but this baby has to be at least 1,200 calories and 70 grams of fat.

But that's not what gets me about this heartattack in a bag. You know someone is gonna roll up in the drive thru and say: "I'd like the Double Down Meal Deal... And make it a Diet Coke."

The KFC Double Down. Feel your..... aorta..... slooooooooooooowiing.... dow....

Mr. Riter

2009-08-25T13:30:00.006-04:00

Pure Zexy-ness...

This fine hunk of man meat is Raymond Lawrence Robertson. Caused a bit of a commotion Sunday in Williams, Oregon. Thought it would be fun to barricade himself in his van (most likely one of those 'molestor' Astro vans,) and threaten residents.

Did I mention he stripped. Like, naked. Nobody wants to see this guy's "grapes of wrath" or any other drooppy, dangly hang-low thing. I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions. Maybe he's the male "butter face." He could be sculpted like Matthew McConnahottie from the neck down.... Riiiiight.

Told onlookers that if they tried to approach the vehicle, it would explode. I doubt he used those words exactly. Probably more like: "If you-ins walk on over this way n then y'all try to start some shit, this here auto-mo-bile is gonna go boom n then stuff 'gon fly n you-ins get fucked up n stuff. " (Trust me. I had a hillbilly neighbor growing up. Sloppy-titted woman with bleach blonde hair, short shorts and a tube top. Three teeth. But I digress.)

When police arrived on the scene, they had to shut the highway down. Mr. Mental Midget (no offense to dwarves) decides to get out of his pimp ride and take his clothes off. He got tackled by police.

Wonder if they needed to bathe in hydrochloric acid afterwards to get the ick off...

I'm gonna show his picture to my mom the next time she asks if I have a 'man friend.' And then tell her I like to kick 'field goals' between his two chicklets.

That just made me queezy.

xoxo,
RiRi

Rita Chronicles

Celebrity Slap: April 25, 2010 Edition

Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Celebrity Slap: April *something* Edition

What up, dawg?

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

Speechless...

Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

Birdophile

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: February 21, 2010 Edition

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Legal

Panic at the Disco... kinda

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: Sunday, February 7th Edition

Award Winner

Oh, Pa!

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: January 31, 2010 Edition

Newman's Own?

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: January 24, 2010 Edition

Mind your own business

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

Where's the beef?

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: January 10, 2010 Edition

Why stupid people should NOT reproduce...

Really?

Mental Massage

Mental Massage

A box wrapped in a box...

Mental Massage

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: December 6, 2009 Edition

Sha La La La

Mental Massage

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

Disgraceful

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

Suck it. Please.

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: November 8, 2009 Edition

Got hurl?

Making dumb look smart...

Oooh, That Smell

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

BTN

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

Oh, Pa!

Oh, Ma!

Just call him "Dick"

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: October 18, 2009 Edition

It's. On.

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: October 11, 2009 Edition

Project Cruise

Award Winner

Oh, Pa!

Dwoink

Mental Massage

Celebrity Slap: October 4, 2009 Edition

P.O.S.

Evil

Bitchstick

Celebrity Slap: April something Edition