Celebrity Slap: June 7, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ashlee Simpson

Offense: Stupid wench

Proof-positive that everything from Texas is bigger, cuz she takes tramp-dome to a new level. Ashlee and Pete were at a charity event when she decided to get drunk, give Pete a lap dance, then trash-talk his ex-girlfriend saying: "I hope you know the whole time you were dating Pete, I was f*cking him." Niiiice. To quote the great philospher Ron Burgandy, "You stay classy, Ashlee Simpson."

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Offense: Reeking of desperation

She was engaged just last year to a dude who dropped her like a hot potato cuz she was too clingy. Guess what? Lesson not learned. With rumors swirling that she and Jamie Kennedy are engaged, she needed to set the record straight. They AREN'T engaged, but if they aren't "planning something by this time next year-- there's a situation." Yeah, there's a situation all right. You're acting like a psycho who needs to hurry up and get married so you can have someone draw your sitz bath and cut up your cheese sandwiches for you when you get really old. Why don't you have one of those ghosts on your show help you find your self worth!

1. Melissa Joan Hart

Offense: Lacking humanity

Sometimes one's inner thoughts should stay inside. Deep inside. Like in that dark hole where Melissa Joan Hart's heart used to be. While appearing on a TV show, she was overheard saying she hoped Farrah Fawcett would hold-off on dying for a week so that she could keep her cover of "People" magazine. Because her bikini body is way more important that the story of a woman valiantly fighting cancer. This might possibly be the most repulsive thing I've ever heard. Melissa Joan Hartless now joins Heather Mills. You've been served-- hand your ovaries back, cuz you're out of the club!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Addiction

Nice to know I'm not the only full-grown woman addicted to the Twilight saga. While stimulating the economy at Yankee Candle the other day, I happened across kindred candle junkies/Twihards. We rapped like a bunch of schoolgirls!

PONYTAIL WOMAN

Oh, my God I think Edward is so hot!

SALES ASSOCIATE

I know! My husband yelled at me because I wanted to hang a Twilight poster in our bedroom. He said "You're 36-years-old. We don't hang posters in our bedrooms anymore."

Rita, who spies the ponytail woman's Twilight bag, enters the gabfest.

RITA

If he doesn't let you hang up the poster, just wash his underwear in Spic-n-Span. He'll come around real fast when his fun marbles are on fire.

PONYTAIL WOMAN

I like that! (a beat) Are you a Twilight fan, too?

RITA

Oh, yeah! I would love to find a vampire like Edward! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has impure thoughts about him.

SALES ASSOCIATE

I know! And we're old enough to be his mother.

RITA

No we're not! We're old enough to be his babysitter. Think how much fun that could be! We know more things than those younger girls do....

=================

We all agreed we can't wait to see New Moon. If some tweeny-thing tries to get between me and a good seat at the theater, I just might have to throw her a 'bow. Hey-- that's what we old broads do. lol...

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

I love my mother. Really, I do. Every year on my birthday, she reminds me how childbirth gave her hemorrhoids. She also shares the cherished memory of looking at me for the first time: "I cried! You were so ugly with black hair sticking up everywhere. I cried to God asking him why he gave me such an ugly baby."

Paging Hallmark, anyone?

Despite mom's lack of tact (which I inherited) and her repulsion-convulsion, mom rocks. She's like the Tazmainian Devil-- a small, yet powerful whirling dirvish of sass. Grown men fear her, and rightfully so.

But like any mother, she has the tendency to push those hot buttons. Sometimes, she'll just blurt out her displeasure. Sometimes, she'll suck in her unsuspecting child before blindsiding you with her displeasure. Either way, moms always have a way of making you feel like you're 12-years-old.

And, I mean this with all due respect. My mom is the consumate orginal mind f**king drama queen. She can get over on you like a fat kid on dollar dog night. But I digress.

Mom is fixated (today) on me finding a Mister Me. Subtlety is NOT in her vocabulary.

======================

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE (ESTAB) AFTERNOON

Rita and Mom are at the receptionist's station. Rita steadys Mom, who is a tiny, skinny thing. She looks frail and weak.... until she opens her mouth.

MOM

(to receptionist)

I was curious. Is Doctor Barker single?

Rita cringes, knows exactly where this is going.

RECEPTIONIST

No, Mrs. Riter. He's married.

MOM

That's too bad. He's so good-looking. I thought he'd be perfect for my little Rita.

Receptionist gives Rita that "I-feel-your-pain-mom-is-embarassing-you-look." Rita, who never blushes, starts to feel warm. Prays to God Mom would hurry up and pay her damned bill.

I love babies. Always have. All I want is a grandchild. Just one. But who knows. I might die before it happens.

Rita is mortified. Mom is now going public with her nagging. She turns to Rita.

MOM

I just want you to find a good man with a good job. He doesn't have to be rich. He just needs to have a good job and be nice to you. That's all. Then I can die.

Rita hustles mom out of the doctor's office, contemplates downing a bottle of rum when she gets home.

===================

Talk about a Catch 22...

And the Oscar goes to...

xoxo,

RiRi

Don't mess with Yellow.

Beijing, China

66-year-old Lian Jiansheng (translated in English-- Don't f*ck with me) shoved a suicidal man off of a bridge.

Why? Because the dude made drivers wait for five hours!

Chen Fuchao, who wanted to evict himself from planet Earth because of massive debt, landed on an emergency air cushion that authorities had laid out for him. He suffered some minor injuries.

Whew!

Meanwhile, Mr. Angry Rangoon was arrested. Asked why he pushed the man, Lian said "jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their actions violate a lot of public interests."

Such as?

Moral to the story: Mess with the Yellow, get the chopsticks.

xoxo,

RiRi

Lick this!

I smell a trend here!

I haven't had a popsicle since I was "this" tall.... but I am surely reconsidering, thanks to Del Monte. The company asked a bunch o' British ladies who they'd like to put their lips on. The winner:

Daniel Craig

And not just an "average" Daniel... it's the Daniel emerging from the water in "Casino Royale." You know, all ripped... and junk...

Oh, my...

INT. LIVING ROOM (ESTAB) EVENING

Rita lights some candles, rips open her best box of wine. She looks mighty fine in her Hanes Her Way.

She spies a box of popsicles. Not just any popsicles, though. Daniel. Craig. Popsicles. She frantically tears the paper off of a popsicle, devours the cranberry Daniel.

A satiated look spreads across Rita's face. She picks up the phone, dials her best friend.

RITA

Guess what? (a beat) I just had Daniel Craig.... (a beat).... For REAL!

==============

Now, if Del Monte could make popsicles for Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Robert Pattinson... see the pattern, DM? You could RULE the popsicle world!

Another suggestion... a life-size fruit sculpture of a Hollywood hottie. Imagine some randy broad sticking her face right in the bananas...

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

MEL B

Today's GAWD-D*MN award.

We salute you, Mel B. Nothing "scary" about those abs. Just pure hawtness!

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sending some positive vibes to soothe your weary mind...

"We've all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it's more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors."

-- Norman Vincent Peale1898-1993, Pastor and Author

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi