Celebrity Slap: August 23, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. The Penns

Offense: Lunatics

Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce... again. On again. Off again. Hot. Cold. Yawn... Make up your minds! Or is this really some kind of freak-a-leak foreplay? Instead of blowing a lot of money and getting your lawyers involved in this weirdo game, just go down to the corner market, get some Boone's Farm, beef jerky and some Twizzlers and have yourselves a sweatin'-up-the-sheets good time until you change your minds AGAIN. Irreconcilable differences? Please. You just can't run from stupid.

2. Jamie Foxx

Offense: Spermtastic

Mr. Ding-a-ling may have a few more children out there than he thought. In fact, the number of spawn is unclear. Sure, Jamie, you may be having a grand ol' time divin' into those cookie jars, but there's this thing called 'child support.' You've heard of it? 18 seconds of vajayjay equals an 18-year pay day. Duh! And you should know better, cuz you did that "Gold Digger" song with Kanye. As the great philosopher Mr. T would say: "Just bag it, Fool!"

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Breathing

His name is two dirty words. Like Douche Bag and Ass Hole. He really thinks he's a playa with the hos and thinks he can get a new TV show. Don't try to subject us to more of your whiny bitchiness just because you already blew your half of the money on your riddiculous Ed Hardy bullshit clothes that look like Barney threw up on. Obviously, previous slaps haven't worked so now it's time to f*ck your shit up. (verbally, of course because I'm really a delicate flower.) I feel bad for you father. He's probably kickin' himself right now, wishing he would've played with Rosie and her five friends instead of yo momma the night God got humorous and created you!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. Slaaaaaaap!

xoxo,

RiRi

Who wears short-shorts?

OMG! The First Lady wears shorts-- in public. Holy shit, throw her in jail!

Seriously. This is a big deal why?

"Aren't those shorts a little too short?"

"The First Lady should cover up!"

Some lifeless losers actually "debating" this important issue. Cuz when I'm on vacation, hiking, in the Grand Canyon, I should be wearing my petticoat and corset.

Now, if this were Janet Reno... yikes!

Reno = Hell, no!

Keep rockin' the shorts, Michelle O!

It's 2009, not 1909. Word.

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

Just when I think Mom couldn't be more... well, Mom-ish, she strikes again. It's bad enough that it's a given that during any phone conversation, irregardless of the topic, I am always subjected to questions about my pesonal life. Mom tries to "dance" around the topic using phrases such as "man friend" and "special friend." It feels like some bizarro douche commercial gone wrong.

Anywho, this time was different.

As we were nearing the end of this 45 minutes of Hell, I thought God was smiling down upon me-- I escaped without one single question about my personal life!?! Praise the Lord. And then, with His wicked sense of humor, God flipped me the bird.

====================

Mom: Can I have a copy of your monthly company newsletter?

Rita: Sure. Why?

Mom: Because you said Albert's (my beloved dog) picture was featured and he won the Best Dog with Toy contest.

Rita: Okay... if it's that important to you.

Mom: Well, Albert's the closest thing I'll have to a grandchild. I have to be proud of something.

====================

Ouch. I didn't see that one coming! Thanks for that kick to the ovaries. It's a wonder I don't need therapy. That's what booze is for.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

A little inspiration to get you through the day...

"You can have anything you want-- if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, have anything you desire, accomplish anything you set out to accomplish-- if you will hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."
-- Robert Collier

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 9, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelorette Winner Ed Swiderski

Offense: Breathing

This embarassment to his parents cheated on Jillian Harris with two other women-- at the same time! He surely needs a dayplanner just to keep track of all his south-of-the-border invasions. Here's a shocking revelation, Ed-- the whole point of commitment is to stay with one person. I don't see what Ed's attraction is. He looks like a constipated horse.

2. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Moron

Yes, it's awesome you were nominated for a Tony. But despite that accomplishment, you're still a tool! Seriously. Dude says he paved the way for Chris Daughtry and David Cook to be successful. Cuz those two two have no talent at all. All you did, Costantine Moron-ous, was look like a dirty butt wannabee rocker in desperate need of a flea dip. Go snarl someplace else. You're stinkin' up the joint!

1. Ryan O'Neal

Offense: Bloated baffoon

This stooopid potato head hit-on his own daughter, Tatum. At Farrah's funeral. There are sooo many things wrong with this scenario. One-- ewwww! Two-- claaaasy. Guess your 'mourning' period ended as soon as the hearst door was closed. When would you have noticed she was your daughter? When you got her in the sack and said something cheesy like: "Looking at you is like looking at me." Wait a minute... This has Lifetime movie written all over it.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAP!

All better now...

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time for a little inspiration between the ears...

"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count."

-- Dr. Robert Anthony

Now go forth, and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 2, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Deadbeat tool

Just when you thought it was safe, this douchemaster rises from his douchi-ness to snag some more face time. He's counselling Jon Gosselin, which is laughable, considering he's behind on his child support payments. To the tune of 12-grand. Here's a concept: Shut. Your. Mouth. And get a damn job! Get two. Take care of your demon seed. This is why more men need vasectomies!

2. Candy Spelling

Offense: Juvenile adult

Instead of trying to talk to her daughter, Tori, one-on-one like humans do, Candy has decided that TMZ is a more appropriate forum to air out her dirty laundry. The only reason we know who you are, woman, is because you threw your legs up in the air for Aaron. You're complaining that you haven't seen your grandkids, yet you think talking to the media is the best way to make that happen? Candy. That's an ironic name, cuz there ain't nothin' sweet about you, you wrinkly-looking squeegie!

1. Tony Romo

Offense: Shameful dog

Granted, I'm no Jessica fan. But no one deserves to be cheated on and lied to. Tony was having an emotional affiar with his newest bimbette and even took her to a Jessica concert! Wrong. Just plain wrong. I hope some hoochie momma wearing a Jessica Simpson-brand stilletto grinds her heel into your sack while beating you upside the head with a Jessica Simpson-brand handbag. Sack to sack, baby! Now that's karma!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi