Celebrity Slap: April 25, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Booze hound

I think you totally rock, but... the excessive boozing is NOT cool. You've gotten into fights, defended Brooke Shields' honor, knocked over a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby-- and now-- taking your shirt off at a strip club. Keep this up, and Jack Bauer is gonna have moobs and a beer gut as his not-so-secret weapons. Ick.

2. Shaq

Offense: Shameless

Really? Having your 6-year-old make a death threat to your ex-wife's boyfriend? Completely unacceptable. I love ya, man, but you can't involve your kids in your bullshit. Plus, you're Shaq Fu! Aren't you man enough to make your own threats? Or is that a skirt I see hangin' in your locker?

1. Steven Seagal

Offense: Repulsive

With all the disgusting revelations coming out, it gives a whole new meaning to your movie "Fire Down Below." Anywho... I know you're from Michigan and all, but can't you run better game? Fondling a woman's breasts and saying you're "checking for lumps" would be like us grabbing your crotchal area saying we're looking for some marbles. And making women take off your shoes? Gross. You're just as greasy as your ponytail, LawDouche. A 5-day-old bologna sandwich with mouldy feta cheese and pickle juice is more appealing than you. Of course, it probably smells as bad as your feet....

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April *something* Edition

(Better late than never... recovering from Reese's PB Egg OD)

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Will Smith

Offense: Out of touch

I completely understand wanting artistic control over a project. But then there's you. Causing all kinds of problems on the set of YOUR TV SHOW "Hawthorne"... which stars your wife and you produce. Holding up production with demands for massive rewrites... making people unhappy. I hope DJ Jazzy Jeff is sticking pins in your voodoo doll right now!

2. Donald Trump

Offense: Out of line

The Donald running his mouth-- all up-in-arms that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to TV. He called her a 'loser' and a 'failure.' Wow. He just won't let their feud die. I think it's: A. A bromance in the making or B. Deep-seeded self-hate. Upon further examination, Rosie is kind of the male version of The Donald-- only with a bigger 'package' and better hair!

1. Ryan Seacrest

Offense: Out of bounds

Oh, Ryan. A probing journalist you're not. So stop pretending to be one. In one of the most awkward moments on Idol, Ryan kept badgering Didi Benami to confess why she got so emotional during the song she sang. She kept refusing to answer. More refusing. And Ryan kept asking. Idiot. That'd be like us asking over and over when you're gonna pull a Ricky Martin and just jump out of that closet! (We know it's gonna happen one day, and that's okay.) I hope a bird poops on your perfectly coiffed hair!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

What up, dawg?

From the beloved four-legged family member:

=====================

Me and my buddies were sniffing around the yard the other day, and we're angry! We are tired of you humans calling cheaters 'dogs.'

How insulting!

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Dogs? They aren't good enough to be us! Dogs are loyal. Once we get our junk fixed, we only occasionally hop on a table leg or my grandma (she's as tall as I am so I think she's a toy.) We're always good to our companions. We obey. We snuggle. We follow. We're always happy to see you, even if you're gone for 2 seconds! And dogs are not "low-down-dirty." I may not be as tall as you, but I'm always clean. Mom gets me groomed (I don't really like it, though.)

So, the next time you want to point out how awful some male human is behaving, call him a cat. Because we all know cats are pussies.

I feel better now...

Mental Massage

Time to soothe that weary mind of yours...

"Never let yesterday use up too much of today."

-- Will Rogers

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelor Jake

Offense: Douchebag

Though he's proposed to Vienna, Jake still thinks he can rehab the world with his ween. Every chance he gets, he hits on another woman-- cuz he's THAT special. Gag. Yes, you're a hottie. We get it. But that doesn't mean all females are soooo overcome by your man-ness that we immediately flop down with our legs up in the air. Get over yourself!

2. Rielle Hunter

Offense: Ignorant ho

Nothing flames me more than when a mistress claims she has compassion for the wife. Really? Then how 'bout you keep a low profile and shut your trap! That would be refreshing! Rielle feels sorry for Elizabeth's pain, but then goes on to say her love for "Johnny" Edwards is forever. Blah, blah, blah. She thinks we don't know the real Rielle-- a shallow, fame-seeking, skankasoraus!

1. Jesse James

Offense: Fool

Men are dogs. Haven't we covered this already? But there's this thing called responsibility and self-control.... and keeping your word. What's even more sickening is that Sandra went on TV and praised you for always "having her back." No wonder you were crying during her acceptance speech-- you knew your ass was grass! Shame. On. You. Your wife goes off to make some money while you're riding some trampola like a hippity-hop!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Speechless...

but not wordless...


DONNA SIMPSON, DF (Dumb Fuck)

For the past few weeks, I've tried to become a "kinder, gentler Rita." Well, fuck that noize. It's because of assholes like this sick twist from New Jersey (shocking, I know) that I must vent.

Donna's goal in life is not to be an outstanding mother, tree hugger or "most loving fatty."

No. Her goal is to the World's Fattest Woman. Bitch already weighs 600 pounds and her goal is to double her size in the next two years.

But that's not the most repulsive part. She wants you and me to pay for her food bills.

What. The. FUCK!?!?

She's got the audacity to have a website in which she asks for our help in making her a disgrace to humanity. Her food bills for her alone is over 3-grand a month.

Anyone who donates to this woman's cause needs to be immediately booted off the planet or charged with attempted murder.

I'd call Donna a pig, but pigs are cute and cuddly.

I'd call Donna stupid, but stupid people have SOME brain function.

I'd call Donna a douche, but a douche has purpose.

So... I'll just say you're one of God's special creatures. Emphasis on creature. I hope you don't accidentally sit on one of your kids and suffocate them.

By the way, I need a car cover. Can I borrow your panties? Vurp....

xoxo,

RiRi