Birdophile

Doesn't she look like a sweet granny?

If you've got cataracts and think a double-wide is a mansion....

Meet Donna Louise Greenwell (by the by, only serial killers and rednecks go by two first names)

a Louisiana skank who sold two children under the age of 6 for... wait for it... an exotic bird and $175. I guess an even $200 would've broken the bank.

I can just hear it now. A thought fragment bouncing around the space between her ears:

"Dem thur talkin' burds is cool. I got this hur nest on my head yins cans sleep thur."

Is she a birdophile? Nothin' gets her granny panties all moist like Toucan Sam... WTF?

Fortunately, she was sentenced to 15 months hard labor. So were the two twits that made the deal with her.

Who wakes up one morning and thinks this is a great idea? Obviously, oversized Funyun-eating-KMart-polyester-pant-wearin-fucks do....

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. Bitch got more chins than a Chinese phone book.... yeah. I went there.

Newman's Own?

Isn't he a gem!?!

This tool is Robert Jenkins. Bobby walked into a Wal-Mart and decided it would be completely appropriate to piss all over the steaks at the meat counter. Seriously. $600 worth of damage. Do you know how many people could've been fed with that $600 worth of meat!?!? Even better, he became enraged when the clerk told him to take his cocktail weenie to Aisle 7 where they sell the small, cured meats. (I made that up. lol) Anywho, cops don't know if drugs or alcohol played a factor. Well, duh! I can't remember the last time I squatted over a rib roast. That's right-- I've never done it because I'm not a drunken fool!!!

This is NOT the kind of marinade I had in mind...

xoxo,

RiRi

Where's the beef?

That really was the question in a South Carolina courtroom recently.

51-year-old Mark (or is that Dork) Zachary of Orangesburg was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His crime-- stealing an $80 slab of meat. This was his 9th shoplifting offense.

Someone's got a problem... or an addiction to USDA Prime.

Anywho, the Assistant Solicitor (sounds dirty) in the case asked "Where's the beef?" in opening statements. Clever. Obviously, the beef thief has no meat between his ears. Guess what his defense was?

"I was massaging the beef, not stealing it."

Wha?!?!

Massaging. Beef. I think he meant the steak. And frankly, I'd rather have him yankin' "it" in the store instead of massaging some beef. I expect you to treat "it" like a joystick. I DO NOT want anyone massaging my beef... not without drinks first-- HA HA!

Nice lam-o attempt at a defense. I'm sure you'll get plenty of meat massaging behind bars. Tool.

xoxo,

RiRi

Why stupid people should NOT reproduce...

... because they make stupid offspring! And unfortunately, The Stoopids are overtaking the planet!

Case in point-- this from Covington, Louisiana.

45-year-old mental midget Tim Williams and his 12-year-old daughter were arrested for an alleged practical joke went wrong. These two thought it'd be a hoot-n-a-holler to drive on the highway in his pickup truck with the girl sitting in the passenger seat bound and gagged with duct tape. Motorists called authorities after seeing the "kidnapping" in progress. Several boxed in Williams' moving pickup truck until police could catch up to them.

Beats playing Parcheesi, I suppose.

Perhaps their original prank idea went sour: "Daddy, why don't you pretend to give me the pickle tickle again?"

Yeah....

xoxo,
RiRi

Making dumb look smart...

Wow. Just... Wow. And she told the cops she'd been "drinking all night long."

Guess she was working under the premise: "Honesty is the best policy." Too bad she got into the car in the first place, because she could've easily killed someone. Will she get in trouble for talking on a cell phone while driving? Could she have started a trend where people just start confessing stuff?

911: "What's your emergency?"
Dolt: "Someone just robbed the bank."
911: "Did you get a look at the suspect?"
Dolt: "He looks a lot like me."
911: "Like you?"
Dolt: "Actually, it's me."
911: "You robbed the bank."
Dolt: "Yeah."

Think how much easier crime solving will be...

xoxo,
RiRi