Celebrity Slap: May 31, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jose Canseco

Offense: Big Dummy (said like Fred Sanford from "Sanford and Son" Is that reference too obscure? lol)

Jose recently wrestled a 330 pound Sumo wrestler. He was down in less than a minute! "Hong Man Choi" "California-rolled" Jose as fast as Paris Hilton jumps on the Oscar Meyer wagon. Pathetic. What's your next move? "Starring" in some VH1 Reality show? Oh, wait. You've done that already. Sucks to be you.

2. Brooke Shields

Offense: Secret tramp!

When I first read the headline about her regretting losing her V-card at the age of 22, I assumed she wanted to wait longer. But noooo! Brooke said if she had a better body image, she would've unlocked Pandora's Box ASAP! How much younger did she want to be? Because raging-hormonal-teen-couplings-in-your-parents'-family room isn't quality, nor is it smart. She probably would've scromped her icky "Blue Lagoon" co-star Christopher Atkins. Nasty!

1. Jennifer Aniston

Offense: Clingy

Jen reveals she saves old answering machine messages from former flames so she can "listen to them over and over again." Is this straight out of a Stephen King novel, or what?! I'm sure they were sweet moments from tender times... then why aren't you with them still?!?!? Cuz it didn't work out! It's over. O-V-A-- OVA! You're beautiful. You're semi-talented. Take note: men run away from the sour scent of desperation!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

My new loves...

When I spied you across the crowded DSW, I felt a tingly sensation in my no-no place. I knew we'd end up together. The boring ballerina flats and old-lady Easy Spirits tried to pedi-block me, but nothing would stop me from approaching you. You've got style, sassiness, and comfort. All the things I look for in a shoe match. And when I slipped my foot into your eagerly-awaiting leather grip, I knew this was "it." And, you were quite the catch with my $10 off coupon for being a "rewards member."

"Brazen" from Chinese Laundry. I think I'm in love... sigh...

xoxo,
RiRi

Who's the real loser?

This above image is YOU, fickle Cavs "fan."

So easy to be all rah-rah for YOUR team when they kicked booty in the regular season and LeBron was named MVP.

But now that they lost to the Magic, you lame-ass muthas are taking as many shots as you can at LeBron and the team. "Chokealiers;" "Queen James;" "LeByner;" blah, blah, blah. How does any sports team winning or losing affect YOUR life? Think about it (if you're capable of thought). How does winning a championship have anything to do with YOU? Are you now unable to spend quality time with your kids because LeBron couldn't carry the team every single game? Do you still have a job to go to Monday that pays you money? If your life is shattered by the Cavs losing, or you spend more than a few minutes feeling disappointment, then YOU are the loser. Your quality of life should not be dictated by what someone else does, let alone a sports team.

Get. Over. It. Fickle F*ck.

xoxox,

RiRi

Pairs, people. Pairs.

Since Target is one of my fav stores (where else can you grocery shop AND get chic items for a good price?) I thought it would be a perfectly acceptable place to get a heavier set of dumbells. Notice I said SET.

RITA

Ooh... there's the eight-pound weights I've been looking for.

Rita picks it up, tests-drives the weight. A curious look spreads across her face.

RITA

(out loud)

Why is there only one weight left? Seriously. Who buys one friggin' weight?

A woman walks by the aisle, stops. Looks at Rita likes she's crazy

RITA

(to woman)

Who buys one weight? What's the point? Is someone that cheap that they can only afford one dumbell? Then just use a can of soup instead and forget about it!

WOMAN

Maybe a one-armed person bought it.

RITA

Don't you think a one-armed person would have other things on their mind?

The woman walks away, most likely disgusted at Rita's insensitivity.

RITA

(to self)

I'm going to Hell.

====================

But I still don't understand the logic behind buying one weight... lol

xoxo,

RiRi

He's a catch!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to "Alcoholic Al." Why is no one clapping?

My "creative partner" is a flighty dude. He has the talent, but his ability to stay on task without altering the vision drives me insane. I understand altering one's course to get a G.I. Joe-grip on the brass ring, but flip-flopping on what said "ring" is places me in a continual state of wanting to beat his well-meaning ass.

But I digress. I got to digging through my sketch folder, and stumbled across two of my favorite characters waiting to be fully developed-- Alcoholic Al and his twin brother, Stalker Steve. Both are complete toolbags. Some might say they're really the same person. (That will be revealed in my tell-all when I win my awards and decide to become a recluse.)

I did write a theme song for "AA." Enjoy these heart-gripping lyrics. And if you must shed a tear, do so. Crying is therapeutic.

ALCOHOLIC AL

He's got no job

The douchebag can't drive a car

Still lives at home (with his momma)

Spends the whole day at the bar

Tries to fix things

But always makes them badder

He drinks so much

His ass is getting fatter

He's full of shit

Thinks he's the king of the world

He's got no skills

The bitch makes me want to hurl

He's Alcoholic Al

He's skeezy

And he's shady

Don't know how to treat a lady

He's Alcoholic Al

His weenie

Is so teenie

He's the King of Whiskey Dick

He's Alcoholic Al

xoxoxo,

RiRi

AT&Cheat?

OMG! WTF?

Though the "American Idol" season finale was soooo last week, this money making machine is still in the headlines. And you know that good ol' cliche: "There's no such thing as bad publicity" is in full swing now.

AT&T is accused of being a "part" of some Kris Allen fan parties in Arkansas. You remeber Kris Allen (not for long)-- the dude that just won Idol, even though just about everyone thought Adam Lambert was gonna be crowned king? If you're a regular viewer of Idol, you know that AT&T is the exclusive text provider for viewers to vote. How convenient that those attendees of the Kris Allen parties were shown how to bulk text-- sending 10 text messages at a time with one push of a button. Neato1

HHHHmmmmm... the spin doctors for AT&T are playing dumb.

AT&T

Uh, we were just, uh, invited. And, uh, we just showed some of, like, the cool stuff our phones and stuff do, and so, like we showed them this cool thing about bulk texting which isn't, like, a secret.

REPORTER

Did you share the same knowledge with Adam Lambert fans?

AT&T

Who's Adam Lambert?

===================

I doubt the bulk voters swayed the vote (we'll thank the conservative South for that, and thumpers of God's word), but something is just a tad shady here, dontcha think?

If I were the folks associated with Idol, someone would be getting a spanking over this. Conspiracy theories have surrounded the show since day one. Let's not add fuel to that fire, which could end up burning the Idol suits.

xoxox,

RiRi

The First Grey...

Men don't really understand all that encompasses being the Goddess that we are.

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, is upset at her first grey hair. No, really-- it's more traumatizing than you think. So in an effort to cheer her up, I wrote this little poem-- from her perspective.

I knew it would come this day,
When youth would fade away.
The fine lines
Of time.
The aches and pains.
But please explain
Mother Nature's game.
Why must the hair
"Down there"
Turn grey?
I tried to pluck,
To hide, to tuck.
But much to my dismay,
They would not go away.
What am I to do
With this hair on my hoo-hoo?

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. We're still friends. lol

OMFG!

It's finally happened.

My mom has become that old lady. The old lady she said she would never become!

And I don't mean age when I toss out the word "old." I mean "old" as in mentality, actions, outlook, driving...

MOM

These people drive like idiots! Where do they have to go in such a hurry! I drive under the speed limit.

RITA

What? You used to be a lead foot. How slow do you go?

MOM

I drive one mile below the speed limit. It's because I'm looking for an address and these people behind me keep blowing their horn.

RITA

You're driving too slow.

MOM

So what! They can wait for me.

==============

And there it is. Before, she couldn't wait for them. I can't tell you how many times mom would lay on the horn back-in-the-day when some hump-backed old bag driving her Caddy would drive erractically. And now? Yeah, that shoe fits...

Just a reminder that even though I'm Forever 21 in my heart, the world and people around me-- including myself-- are not. Ouch.

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. I can't imagine not speeding! lol (that's what she said)

P.P.S. Yet mom knew what Twitter was! Worlds coliding!

Award winner

DANE COOK

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

We salute you.

xoxo,

RiRi

The pits

Guess what fine fragrance I'm wearing?

Ode de pit? Perhaps. Degree has decided to get into the "fine fragrance" game, because making my pits smell like a waterfall at dawn wasn't enough. In one of my girlie mags, I came across a sample of Degree's "Classic Romance." An inner dialogue ensued.

RITA

Classic Romance? As in reminiscent of some odiferous B.O. from the 1800's when people didn't bathe that often? That'll really get me a baby-daddy sometime soon.

Rita rips open the sample strip, takes a whiff.

RITA

Hmmmm... not bad, but something's not right here. I know how the scent of my Degree deoderant 'alters' after a day of writing under deadline. Phew. Yeah, This is gonna end badly.

====

No matter how you dress it up, it's still fresh smelling stuff from a pit-juice fighting company. Call it "fine fragrance," call it "ode de" call it... anything. It's still DEGREE. Stick to what you know. Degree- you're the pits. And that's okay!

xoxo,

RiRi

Cheaper ain't better

Ask a group of freelancers about rates, and the battle will surely get heated. A few of my cohorts are chronic gig bidders. I, do not. I get harrassed perpetually for not joining in on this riualistic, carnivorous pasttime. I refuse. The rates are substandard. Children in third world countries working at Kathie Lee Gifford's sweatshops make more than a freelancer makes after bidding and working hard on a project.

FREELANCE FRIEND

But I won the bid!

RITA

And what exactly did you win?

FREELANCE FRIEND

I'm writing a 500 word article about the mating habits of dolphins. And I'm getting a dollar!

RITA

A dollar per word?

FREELANCE FRIEND

Nooo. A dollar for the project.

RITA

So, let me get this straight. You spent three days bidding on a project, which you won-- yaaay you-- and now you need to spend, at minimum, two hours on the first draft for a dollar.

FREELANCE FRIEND

Yeah. Don't I rock!

RITA

You should be getting paid at least $250 for your 5oo words.

FREELANCE FRIEND

(gets a little testy with her kind, wise friend)

That's why I get more projects than you do.

RITA

You're right. But I out earn you. You may complete a hundred projects and make $200. I can do one project and make $250.

FREELANCE FRIEND

You're too expensive.

RITA

No, I'm not. I put a value on my work. If you don't, a client won't.

FREELANCE FRIEND

Whatever.

=============

Many of my freelance colleagues bid, and bid well. They write a ton of stuff and are satisfied. I'm not knockin' the process. I see so many people busting their chops for little return.

Cheaper isn't better.

P.S. When it's all said and done, "Freelance Friend" and I kiss and make up, then write some prose together. lol

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Sending some positive vibes to make your lobes feel oh-so happy...

"There is nothing you can't do, if you set your mind to it. Anything is possible."

--Rick Hansen: Wheelchair Athlete, Speaker and Author

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: May 24, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jessica Biel

Offense: Breathing

(read with sarcasm) It sucks to be Jessica. She's so beautiful, she can't get good acting roles. It's a curse! And-- she can only get some second-rate tool like Justin Timberlake to date her. (sigh) i guess she's just gonna have to be a greeter at Wal-Mart. (sigh) Jessica-- you're rich! You're beautiful! You don't NEED to work. Go start a charity, or go make your own movies. There are options. GET OVER IT!

2. Criss Angel

Offense: Stupidity

Dude took comedian Jeff Beacher's cat. Flat out stole it, then taunted the guy with several phone messages saying the cat liked HIM better! What totally stinks-- the cat belonged to Beacher's late parents. Obviously, Mr. Mindgeek has duped us with the ultimate illusion-- that he's human-- 'cuz he's not! Guess this must be the only way he can get pussy these days.

1. Kate Gosselin

Offense: Speaking

This Queen of all Wenches thinks it's our responsibility to help pay for her eight children. Oh, yeah! Before the twinkling of the TV lights, and the cha-ching-ing of the cash register, she told Medicaid that "societal pressure" made her turn to invitro. Riiight. Cuz in America, we have no free will. No one forced Mizz-Flock-of-Seagulls-hair to go and have any kids-- let alone eight! It's not our fault you chose to treat your vajay-jay like a Pez dispenser!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAAP! Hope you've learned your lesson!

xoxox,

RiRi

Two words

LOVE IT!

WTF happened to survival of the fittest?!?

Take a good, hard look at "Dumb and Dumber."

He, of the I've-had-one-too-many glassy-eyes; She, of the I'll-scromp-anything-that-has-a-wiener. (Note the classy hickie-action, I mean, love bite.)

This is Danica Wallace and Jeremy Welch, from good ol' OH-IO! They were busted Friday after cops spotted them gettin' busy in a car while Danica's kiddies were in the back seat. Niiice.

POLICE

Why are you two pantless?

The cop looks-over this brainiac couple.

(to Jeremy)

I should arrest you for "false advertising."

Jeremy hiccups.

JEREMY

Huh?

POLICE

What. Are. You. Doing. Here?

Jeremy hiccups again.

JEREMY

We got horny and just wanted to fuck.

DANICA

Just so you know, occ-i-fur... I'm not completely drunk. I just had a Bud.

==================

This is why survival of the fittest needs to be en vogue again...

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/years/2009/0518091car1.html

Mental Massage

Sending some positivity to soothe your weary brain...

"Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence."
~Helen Keller~

Now go forth and be fabulous!

Celebrity Slap: May 17, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Oprah Winfrey

Offense: Lazy

Earlier this week, Oprah gave her makeup people a "smackdown" because she didn't like the way she looked during her Elizabeth Edwards interview. What does an Oprah smackdown consist of? Bringing in your manservant Steadman to kick some super-fab tushy? Here's a novel idea, and I know this concept might be a little tricky. LOOK IN A MIRROR! You are capable of that, aren't you? (Disclaimer: I hope Oprah knows this is just a fun rant, because I hope to one day be an Oprah Book Club selection. lol. No, really.)

2. Dina Lohan

Offense: Delusional

She doesn't understand why her parenting is coming into question. Seriously? This loser things a touching mother-daughter moment is taking her underage daughter and her alcoholic daughter out to the club! You, Dina-rrhea, are a glowing example of a woman who needs to keep her mouth shut and her legs crossed.

3. Jon and Kate

Offense: Idiots

Every day, more and more dirt comes out over these two. Maybe they're both big cheats. Maybe they'll divorce. Ooh, they had an open marriage contract. blah, blah, blah. Here's an idea-- perhaps the focus should be on the eight lives you two twits brought into the world! They're the ones who are gonna suffer because their biological donators are nothing more than full-grown children themselves! Try this-- everybody keep their junk to themselves!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAAP!

Take the wheel...

The song "Drive" from Incubus has been in my head for the past two days.

VOICE IN MY HEAD

Would you play the damn song already!

RITA

I'll get to it. Back off!

VOICE IN MY HEAD

You know I'm not gonna go away until I get my way. I'm talking

to you for a reason.

So, I caved. It's a slap-in-the-face reminder to me that I'm in control of my life. What ever comes into my experience, I asked for it.

Same for you. Hold the wheel and drive... I posted the lyrics below.

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear

And I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear

Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before

And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal

But lately I'm beginning to find that I

Should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

With open arms and open eyes yeah

Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there

I'll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive

Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?

It's driven me before

And it seems to be the way that everyone else gets around

But lately I'm beginning to find that

When I drive myself my light is found

Beyond Stank...

Stank has a name:

Kailash ‘Kalau’ Singh

The 63-year-old from India has not gotten friendly with soap and water for the past 35 years. The reason: he wants to have a son.

Dude has 7 daughters. Dude lost his grocery store because people couldn't stand his funk. Dude is f**ked in the head.

Now before you scoff at this fine piece of stench, he does bathe.... He stands on one leg by a bonfire while smoking pot. He claims the fire kills germs and infection. Why didn't his wife push his stanky-ass into the fire when she had a chance? How can she even stand to be within a 5-mile radius of this Haz-Mat dump? If she has totally boinked him over the last 3.5 decades, she's worse than he is!

EXT. BONFIRE (ESTAB) EVENING

King Stank stands by a bonfire on one-leg, takes a nice long drag off his hookah pipe. The flames form the bonfire start to move in an unusual pattern, takes the shape of a Divine Being. Unsure if he's tripping or stupid, King Stank drops his joint, stares at the flames.

GOD (V.O.)

King Stank Ass...

KING STANK ASS

Yes, oh Holy one?

GOD (V.O.)

Take a bath, for the love of Me! I can smell you all the way

up here.

KING STANK ASS

But Heavenly Father, I beg you for a son.

GOD (V.O.)

Wake up and smell your sack! Ain't gonna happen.

KING STANK ASS

But I've been a faithful servant!

GOD (V.O.)

How 'bout I name you President of Stupid Island and we'll

call it even?

When I grow up...

"YOU'RE A MORON!"

No, that's not coming from my mom's mouth this time... instead, it's one of my favorite lines from my favorite guilty pleasure-- Judge Judy.

I LOVE this woman! When I grow up, I want to be her. Seriously! I agree with everything she says. She yells at people with such wit and style... I call someone "a loser" or an "idiot," and people tell me I'm a bitch. She does it, and she's golden. I'm so jealous. Another one of my favorite lines from her "How do you know a teenager's lying? THEIR MOUTH IS MOVING!"

I try to get my Judge Judy fix once a week. And plus, when you see white trash-- you realize your life isn't so crappy.

Live long, Double J. Live long.

xoxox,

RiRi

Got Broom?

BYE-BYE ATLANTA...

Cavs 84. Hawks 74.

Witness! Woo hoo!

xoxoxo,

RiRi

Golden Girl with golden... globes?

Here.... let me lift up my skirt and show you my t*ts!

"Partridge Family" Matriarch Shirley Jones is considering posing for Playboy at the ripe, firm age of 75. While I say "You go, girl", I must say I threw up a little in my mouth. I can see in my mind's eye her boobalas hanging like silly putty, which she can then press down and copy the accompanying article.

WOW! Sorry about that. And I REALLY do not want to see her no-no place, which may resemble a dried apricot.

I wonder how much photoshoppin' is gonna take place?

Oh, well.... good for you, Shirley. I think....

xoxo,
RiRi

P.S. Is she now the consumate GILF?

Mental Massage

Soothing your grey matter with pure positivity...

"I can feel guilty about the past, apprehensive about the future, but only in the present can I act. The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness."

-- Abraham Maslow1908-1970, Psychologist

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxox RiRi

Celebrity Slap: May 10, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Drinking and Jack-ing

Oh, Dear Keifer. What are we going to do with you!?! It warms my heart to know that chivalry is not dead. But headbutting some dude because you think he was rude to Brooke Shields? Puh-leeze. As hard as it is to believe, you are NOT Jack Bauer. So keep that in mind when I spank you, because if you have to go to jail again and leave me without another season of "24," I will be forced to call up my Asian friends and have them unleash a whole lotta pain on you. Fear the yellow!

2. Bristol Palin

Offense: Unable to keep her legs shut so now we have to deal with her

I'm down with the whole no admittance to "Pleasure Town" thing. But it's important to stick with your story. Don't say abstinence is unrealistic, then talk about how it's the only choice. There ARE choices. Like when in the moment he says "But it doesn't feel as good when I wear one." You tell him, "Neither do the calluses on your palms. Pick one." See? Choices. Remember your cries of ABSTINENCE the next time some hockey player with a nice stick looks your way.

1. Shia LaBeouf

Offense: EWWWWWW!

Admiring one's mother is awesome. Saying if you could meet your mom and marry her you would becasue she's the sexiest woman you know-- is creeptastic! Yes, you had quite the free-love upbringing, but even free-lovers have standards. I can see it now: Shia suckling from his momma's teet at the tender age of 17, while stoner dad is playing butt-bongo on the neigborlady. Remember, Shia, you came out of your momma's womb for a reason. There is no re-entry!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

Poon, here.

Who falls for this sh*t? Really... what lame-ass, rosey-glass-wearing fool believes this... here's what I retreived from my gmail spam folder.
==============
Good Day,

I am the Financial Director of Hang Seng Bank. I have a business proposalfor you, Should you be interested, please contact me through my privateemail (mrpoonchungyinj53@live.co.uk) along with your name,country andtelephone number, so we can commence all arrangements and I will give youmore information on how we should handle this business and after thesuccessful transfer to your account,You shall be rewarded accordingly.

Kind Regards,

Mr. Poon Chung Yin Joseph
Reply To Email: mrpoonchungyinj53@live.co.uk
====================
WTF?
Yeah, I'm sure mister Poon-Fu-F*ck is really gonna just give me money because I totally rock. I will absolutely without question give him my bank account info. I'm sure the $2,000 "retrieval fee" or whatever mister dim sum is calling it is worth the big bucks he's gonna directly deposit into my account!

Dear Mr. Poon Douche...

Just because we've had some hardship in the good ol' USA, doesn't mean we're all idiots. Poon? Is THAT really your name? Or is that your porno name? How 'bout I send you a sizable amount of "kiss my a$$" with a dose of "go f**k yourself."

Sincerely,
Rita Riter

Smooth as a baby's....

I gave up pricey promised-filled products long ago. Then, I got sucked right back in.

Recently, I was an emcee at a Macy's event. Representatives from each cosmetic company gave their spin to the oohs and aahs of the crowd. Lancome's Genifique caught my eye. Partly, because the sales manager was damn good at her job... but mostly because of the facts. Genifique is basically youth-producing genes. I ran home with a cute little baggie full of samples, and let me tell you-- wow! This serum makes my face feel great. I'm a huge skeptic, but I am already seeing-- that means visible-- results after two weeks of use.

Two. Weeks.

Of course, I took my slightly-jiggly ass back to the Lancome counter at Macy's and bought a big girl's bottle of Genifique. For $78, it's totally worth it.

Use it. Love it. You're welcome!

xoxox,

-Rita

Creed 2.0

Creed 2.0

Me likey Scott's hair (or lack of)... better than the near-mullet he was sportin' through the first part of the decade. I was concerned he was gonna roll through town in his classic Firebird wearing his Sunday-best wife beater and Wranglers...

Wonder if he can still fit into those leather pants for the new tour?

Does he still do the signature "fist-in-the-air-pull-down"?

The King.

NBA MVP.

At the age of 24.

And he's a stand-up human being. Has his award presentation in his hometown. He keeps it real. He takes care of his community. And he has breathed life into a part of the country hit hard by the flacid economy.

Dreams can come true. Even if you're from Akron, Ohio.

Never stop pushing. Never stop working. Never give up on yourself.

Witness.

Butt why?

So, I got to thinking... Where did this whole "birthday spanking" thing come from?

I recently celebrated my birthday. My BFF and her hubby both gave me a whack on the tushy. While I found this to be quite exhilirating, it got me wondering:

"What sadistic f*ck came up with this!?!"

Seriously. Birthdays-- fun, frivolity, presents, cake. Not crying in the corner because your ass hurts so bad you can't sit down while everyone is laughing at you and you want to pee your pants! Not that I'm having a childhood flashback... Anywho, according to WikiAnswers:

"Some sources claim it's a superstition while other sources claim that it's based on the slap on the bottom most infants get on the day they are born by the doctor. It's probably more based on the latter than the former. Just adding an extra "slap" as a show of good luck to your health."

Okay, fine. But who added the "and one to grow on" crap if this is supposed to be about good health? And who said you needed spanked for every year you've managed to live? Or was I the only one who got swatted 8 times on my 8th birthday (actually, 9 times)? Now, I'm back to getting spanked just once on my bday, cuz in some places you have to actually pay for this.

Hope you get many spankies on your next bday...

-RiRi

Mental Massage...

Sending some soothing vibes through that traffic-jammed brain of yours...

"If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn't lead anywhere."

- Frank A. Clark

Hugh Jackman Jr.

Hugh Jackman has a name for his little soldier.

ROGER

Yes. Roger. Why? I don't know... As in "Roger, that." And is his wife supposed to reply, "Ten-four good buddy?"

Maybe his warrior is like Roger Moore-- Bond-style; or Roger Clemens-- Fast-and-down-the-middle...

Is "Roger" a good name...

Is naming one's no-no place commonplace?

Do women name their vajays?

Discuss....

P.S. Dear, Hugh... you should've done your entire press tour for "Wolverine" shirtless...

Celebrity Slap: May 3, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Nadya "Octomom" Suleman

Offense: Breathing

Dingbat supreme decided the best way to honor her 14 kids is to get a tattoo. Because getting a job and feeding your kids isn't practical. Riiiight. Her design has something to do with an angel and 14 stars. That's gonna be one saggy galaxy once age really sets in. But it's kinda cool, in a away, because her kids can play tether ball with her 'saggy stuff'... which would kinda be like slapping themselves around. Interesting....

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dumb. Dumber. Idiot!

Dude-- if you're gonna go and get some strange, you need to be a little more discreet. You were caught once partying with some frat hos, so leaving a club at 2 a.m. is waaaay better. NOT! No wonder Kate bitch-slaps you daily and keeps your fun marbles in a jar. You don't know how to use them responisbly! Keep it up, and she might feed 'em to you while she's taking your wallet.

1. William Shatner

Offense: Self-absorbed fool

Yes, you have this cheesy... quirky... persona? You did those cool Priceline commercials where. you. talked. like. this..... and those spoken-word albums weren't so bad. But-- you ain't all THAT. I can't believe the Shat is still upset that he was left out of the new 'Star Trek' movie. Wait-- Shatster turned down an appearance because the role wasn't nearly as big as his ego. Come on! You're the man that played T.J. Hooker! Get a grip!

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAP!

Funny.

The Tw$t Tweets...

Hate to give her any more pub... but you KNOW there's gonna be some fabulous moments with her in Twitter-ville... Sarah Palin is like a needle to a balloon... deflating. Like her brain....

http://news.cnet.com/8301-17852_3-10231165-71.html