Mental Massage

Some inspiration for the last week of 2009...

"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."
-- Anatole France

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

A box wrapped in a box...

Dear Santa...

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... and a vagina necklace!

What. The. Fuck.

There really is vaj jewelry out there. Jessica Marie is her name. Started designing poon pendants a year ago when she needed to "reconcile" with her own coochie. Okay...

You must check out her website. www.vulvalovelovely.etsy.com

There are other assorted things that celebrate the vaj.

Maybe you can get something for the mom-in-law because she's the ultimate twat. Just sayin'...

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. You buy me this for Christmas, and it will be on the only pussy you're getting for a decade. And you will eventually get carpel tunnel, so don't even go there...

Mental Massage

So soothing...

"Joy is prayer. Joy is strength. Joy is love. Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls."

--Mother Teresa

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A dose of the good stuff...

"Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother."

-- Barbara Johnson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Opening her mouth

Guess strutting around isn't enough for her. Now, she's gotta commit noise pollution by singing. Yes, she plans on putting out... a single... called "High." Just because you've banged a few rock stars and can play the skin flute doesn't make you musical. Stick to what you do best-- trying to look like a 20-year-old with your fake-bake, barely-there clothing, bad tatts and peroxide hair. If you didn't have the fake boobalas, you'd be extra pathetic... wait.....

2. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Touched by idiocy

Hulk and Linda have been split-up, divorced-- whatever-- for a while. Yet, these two keep acting like brats on the playground. Hulk wants his antique, wooden toilet seat back. He claims Linda stole that and some other stuff from their home. Really? What is so special about a toilet seat? You put your ass on it! Obviously, this is where your brains are stored. Maybe you're letting them out to breathe when you sit. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to get a life!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Cesspool of ick

Last week, you were slapped for not covering your trail. This week, you're just plain gross. 13 women!?!?! With no protection!?!? What's your excuse gonna be? You're mourning your dad still; I'm not happy at home; I'm a sex addict. Blah, blah, blah. No wonder you can't sleep at night-- it's called guilt. Which means there might be a slim chance of hope for you. My mind can't even conceive what kind of karma is gonna come your way. I have a feeling it might be crusty and oozing-- but that's just me. Anywho, you out douchebagged Jon Gosselin, which is really hard to do. Deal with that.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time to clear the mind clutter...

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."

--Barbara De Angelis

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 6, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Bach

Offense: Hypocrite

All those times you ragged your well-deserving ex-hubby David Hasselhoff, it seems you are just as bad. Sure, there's no video of you rolling around on the bathroom floor shirtless and flabby eating a burger. You're way worse than your leather-clad ex, because YOU got behind the wheel of a car. Very not cool. Perhaps you two can get rooms next to each other in rehab and out-whine each other to death. That would make the rest of us happy.

2. The Salahis

Offense: Losers

Do you not have any real friends? Seriously. Expending valuable time and energy crashing events is bizarre, and in your case, against the law! Your entire life is based on fiction. Join a knitting club or play laser tag or something! I bet it's because you have something to hide-- like the two of you are really squirrel-fondlers from the hills of West Virginia!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Caught with pants down, so to speak

Sure, it's a bit disappointing that someone who portrayed an air of class is really an ass. It's actually our fault for forgetting that you're just a man. A man who has a hang-low that dominates every waking moment. And because the previously-mentioned hang-low results in lack of thought, let me remind you-- COVER YOUR TRAIL! Or is that "tail?" No texts. No voicemails. No emails. Duh! You're giving stupid a bad name!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Sha La La La

Meredith Baxter is-- gasp-- a lesbian! Whatever. More importantly, that completely changes the Family Ties theme song, "Without Us"... allow me to help.

"With Our Muffs"

I had liked those franks and beans for a million years

But after time, the jugs and pink taco I liked more

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

We could rub 'em together or use a vibe or two

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

=========

Munch away, Meredith. Munch. Away.

xoxo,

RiRi