BTN

"Mr. Right Enough"

I was disturbed by an article I read in some women's magazine that I can't remember, but I do remember the article... it was all about how women should settle.

The premise: women in their 20s encounter men who are 8s (out of 10, I suppose) but turn them down because they don't match their ideal man. And by the time an unnattached woman reaches the tender age of 40, she should settle for Mr. Right Now. Because the great men in their 40s are married. So just pick the best of what's left and be so gosh-darned happy! I've overheard some ladies talking about this very thing. Talking about how so-and-so isn't the greatest, but he's BTN-- Better Than Nothing.

Gag.

Sorry, but I value myself a little more than that. I get that there is no knight-in-shining armour, but is settling the answer? Is getting married to the first available pseudo-hunk (see above) the answer? Is letting some snaggle-tooth stick his beef jerky inside you the answer cuz at least it's connected to a warm, but probably funky-smelling body?

Hell fucking no.

When you settle for a guy, everyone knows you settled for a guy and then you become a pathetic vortex of snickering and gossip. How is that good for you? It's not. Wake up.

I can't believe a woman wrote that article. Judas!

There is one version of Mr. Right Now that's perfectly acceptable: Go on the prowl for a young "cub." Have a fun night. Then leave. If you had settled for some nice dude with three nipples you wouldn't be able to smack some young ass.

You're welcome.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Like the H1N1 vaccine-- except for your mind...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-- Maya Angelou

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar Getty

Offense: Pathetic

These two probably deserve each other. She, with her Bermuda Triangle crotch. And he, with his wandering trouser snake. These two have decided to hook-up. Maybe they're working under the premise that two wrongs make a right. Or put two funky people together and they smell like roses. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Getty, when you wake up one morning and junior has left the region.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Tooltastic

Dude turned down an appearance on a radio show because he wanted 12-grand and didn't get it. His P.R. mouth justified the outrageous demand, saying Jon's "fun and witty" and that his mere prescence is worth it. I'm sure he is-- if you live on Planet Nimrod. Otherwise, he's simply a blithering idiot. There's nothing cool or mysterious about him. In fact, here's an ancient Chinese secret about him that's not so secret-- you sucky long time!

1. Heidi Pratt

Offense: Shameless

This fine "Christian" wouldn't attend her sister's birthday party unless she got paid. Really. Cuz Heidi only goes places she's paid to go. Which, in essence, makes her a ho. What would our Heavenly Father say about that? He would say: Thou shalt quit being a biotch and quit being as fake as your boobies, and your personality, and your hair... and-- why the fuck did I create you?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes........ SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAPA RITER!

Pops is another year older. And if it weren't for his nest of white hair, you'd never know how old he really is.

On this day, I reflect on some tender moments between a dad and his little girl:

1. When I was little and we'd get those "Adopt Maria" fliers in the mail, you told me you were gonna "trade me in." I cried for a few hours, then you let me off the hook.

2. Homecoming my Freshman year in high school. I never got the chance to get kissed by Steve because you yelled at mom to throw on the porch light and greet us at the door as his car pulled in. He didn't even walk me to the door because he feared retribution. I heard your laughter in the background, by the by.

3. The totally cool moment when you threatened that carload of toolbags that followed me home from school one day. Thankfully, you were already home from work and standing in the driveway. The boys thought they had game when they got out of the car. (I was scared shitless.) You went into the garage, got your gun and posed the poignant question: "Do you dickheads wanna die today?" Yup, the said dickheads left-- never to be seen again! lol

Love you, Dad. You truly are the last of the real men!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

Today Mom celebrates her "29th" birthday... again. Funny how I'm older that her now.

I want to thank you mom, for being born then eventually birthing me. I hope you enjoy your gifts from the heart, the fine meal I will prepare, and the wine I'm going to ply you with this weekend so you won't ask if I will give you a grandchild by your next birthday. Hey, it was you who told me men are like shoes: there are plenty of Keds hanging around, but why not wait for Christian Louboutin?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

xoxo,

Your offspring

Just call him "Dick"

RICHARD HEENE

Well, well, well... Balloon fucks. Looks like someone's in biiiig trouble!

Charges most likely will come by the end of the week for the Heene's. And I have no compassion for people who lack a moral compass. Fuck. Off. It's one thing for you and your hag to be liars, but to use your children as "players" in your sick and twisted fame-seeking game-- unacceptable. Poor 6-year-old Falcon, your son-- the boy we thought may have fallen out of your redneck time machine -- was throwing up on live TV, obviously unable to cope with all the lies. And I'm sure you don't give a damn about the family whose wheat crop your stunt destroyed when your balloon landed. They only get a full crop every two years. And now-- this year is ruined.

For the love of God what happened to Survival of the Fittest?!? Bring it!

Oh, and I don't find it coincidental that Heene rhymes with weenie.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Mmmmm.... cranium lovin'......................

"Happiness doesn't depend on what we have, but it does depend on how we feel toward what we have. We can be happy with little and miserable with much."

--William Dempster Hoard

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 18, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. David Hasselhoff
Offense: Hot Mess
So who's the drunken fool now? Apparently, you, David Mazel Tov. Dude got so drunk at Simon Cowell's 50th birthday bash that he couldn't walk. He had to be hospitalized for two days! I'm sure he was regaling the partygoers with tales from his days a primo piece of Baywatch man candy. Actually, he's more like that piece of Bit O' Honey candy that you begrudingly took from your grandma so you wouldn't hurt her feelings, and you left it in your pocket and it became a molten mess-- like David Hasselhoff!

2. David Letterman
Offense: Reprehensible
You're a man in the entertainment business, and therefore, you're more inclined to be a dog because you can. Not that it's right, but we get it. However, it is completely tasteless to take your mistress on vacay with your wife-to-be and your son. Ick. Gross. Dispicable! How can you look yourself in the mirror? Now we know why you named your company Worldwide Pants. You obviously want to spread your lovin' around Planet Earth. If I were your wife, I'd put my foot between the gap in your front teeth!

1. Billy Ray Cyrus
Offense: Desperate dickbag
Billy Ray's got his tightie whities in a bunch because his little moneymaker Miley has abandoned the Twitter world. Oh, the humanity! He's begged her, via Twitter, to come back because she's "a light in a world of darkness." Gag. Let's be honest. Daddy needs to stockpile a much money as he can, cuz when she turns 18-- game over! Billy Ray gonna be cryin' in his mullet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,
RiRi

It's. On.

I hate it when people fight dirty. You know what I mean. Ad campaigns for political office who slam their opponent instead of focusing solely on what makes them the right person for the job.

Now, it's a state vs. state battle. Kentucky is trying to lure young Ohioans to their state. Not by painting a picture of what a great place Kentucky is, but on how shitty Ohio is. The marketing firm that created these series of ads even calls a fictional city in Ohio "Oblivion" and a fictional city in Kentucky "Possibility."

How clever!

1. I'm not the first one to say it, and I won't be the last. But really, are you proud of state who's initials are KY?

2. Yes, I see the possibilities in Kentucky. I can probably marry my brother legally, so all that fuckin' "tain't so bad after all."

3. This from a state that pronounces Louisville, Loo-ah-ville. Guess all you toothless bastards have a hard time saying stuff.

Let's face it. You're really just jealous of Ohio. Cuz when you look at a map of the U.S., you're really just Ohio's left ball, hanging next to your relative-scrompin-brothers-West Virginia-- aka, Ohio's right ball.

Now, get back to your double-wide (and I don't mean yo momma.) Your tv dinner's ready.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Time for some cranium lovin'...

"Great minds have purposes; others have wishes."

-- Washington Irvin

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 11, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Down dirty dawg

Some young hoochie momma claims Beyonce's daddy fathered her unborn child. Oops! Bet your wife of 23 years is soooo pleased to know you've been dippin' and slippin' where you shouldn't be. How ironic that you're gonna be livin' some Destiny's Child/Beyonce tunes real soon-- like "Bills, Bills, Bills;" "Ring The Alarm;" and "Beautiful Liar." You're old enough to know better, Matthew! Wrap. It. Up.

2. LeAnn Rimes

Offense: Psycho

Not only is LeAnn a man stealer, but she's apparently a spiteful stalker. Eddie Cibrian's ex says LeAnn is 'space invading' her by moving in the same 'hood as her, which is near her son's school! What are you gonna do next? Break into her house and sniff her panties? Creepy! Now that you've won the ween, perhaps you can concentrate on your singing career. I think a cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy" is a perfect fit.

1. Lamar Odom

Offense: Manic

Guess it's not only chicks that have marriage on the brain. Lamar was dating actress Taraji Henson. He was so in love with her, he proposed. She freaked because she thought it was too soon. One week later, Lamar met Khloe K. and now they're blissfully pseudo-wed. If you wanted a kindred spirit to wed, you should've snagged Jennifer Love Hewitt. Girl's dying to be a missus. Lamar, thy name is desperation. And it stank like Heidi Fleiss' neither regions.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Project Cruise

In the latest issue of Elle magazine, Katie Holmes reveals that her alien hubby Tom Cruise critiques her clothing.

"He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that."

I'm sure she dilligently obeyed her master and changed into a more pleasing outfit immediately.

If Tom made that comment to me, I would've said: "That's a lovely shade of dick you're wearing."

Fucktard.

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

February 11, 2010 = Taylor's 18th birthday.

Hurry up so I don't feel like such a perv!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

YAAAAY! FAKE ORANGE JUICE, KOREAN STYLE!

Now that Dad is retired, he keeps himself busy. Which is a good thing, because he'll go insane otherwise. Busy means, at least, weekly trips to my palatial estate. We usually do a food trade: Dad brings whatever, and I satisfy his sweet tooth.

Dad hands me a can of this orange juice. It's not really a juice. It's orange DRINK (there's 31 grams of sugar in this bad boy.) Big difference. But to my parents "juice" and "drink" are the same. They poured Hi-C down my throat for years. Anywho, dad swears this Bon-Bon crap is the "best orange juice I've ever had. It has pulp in it." I didn't have the heart to tell him you can buy orange juice with pulp in it.

The drink vs. juice argument is not what fascinates me here. What does fascinate me are all the subliminal messages on this can of swill!

1. A drink with "sac"!? I was prepared to see a pair of kiwis on the underside of the can.

2. The orgasmic orange. Look at that pulsating orange shooting pulp all over the place!

3. Bon Bon. Didn't Ricky Martin want me to shake my "Bon Bon"!?

Since this is the "best," I had to give it a try. Would I tingle? Would I explode with pleasure just like the orange?

I chugged. Yes! I feel something. I chugged some more! Again! And Again! And then-- nothing.
I felt empty. Just like the calories in this "juice." Empty, just like a tramp that takes a dude home at the end of the night and realizes he's not Prince Charming.

xoxo,

RiRi

Dwoink

That's a word my bff's 11-year-old daughter likes to throw around. Guess it's the little kiddie version of "douchebag." No real definition for 'dwoink,' except it can be applied to most mouth-breathing idiots that roam our fair Earth.

Dwoink reminds me of the sound a turd makes when it hits the bottom of the bowl, or in words: Jon Gosselin.

Clearing out $230,000 from a joint bank account is wrong. And it violates an arbitrator's ruling. And it's wrong. I guess he forgot that Happy Meals don't grow off trees in the backyard. Or maybe he thinks his 8 children are old enough to work for money to buy the food and clothes and other things they need. Did I mention this is wrong?

Either this motherfucker is insane or he's just a complete pube. Or perhaps a bit of both. Again, real men of this world, I implore you to ask this cretin to hand his balls back. Kick him out of the club.

Dwoink, indeed.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes life bitch slaps you. This will make you feel better...

"Things do not change; We change"

-- Henry David Thoreau

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 4, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tawny Kitaen

Offense: Trainwreck

The "hactress" busted again for DUI. It's like the millionth time. What happened, Tawny? You were good in "Bachelor Party." Of course, you weren't in the movie very much. And those smokin' moves in all those Whitesnake videos-- awesome! But now the only thing you're writhing on these days is a case of Jack. Pathetic. You're definitely no sweet kitty. Sourpuss-- for many reasons I'm sure-- you are.

2. Pamela Bach and The Hoff (smackin' him for fun!)

Offense: Pam's a B.S. Artist

Seems I mis-slapped The Hoff last week. He may not have been a drunken mess, this time. Ex-wife Pamela wanted a little revenge and called 911 on him. Three words: Get. Over. It. There are plenty of other tools to stalk. David's got enough going against him: bad botox, an over-inflated sense of self, and hideous man perm. Don't add to it. My head's gonna explode. Just like his pants, which are way too tight for a man his age. Air needs to circulate there!

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dastardly (I went to college, so I know big words and stuff)

Earlier this week, bipolar boy asked the court to hold-off on divorce proceedings for 90 days. We recall you saying how much you 'despise Kate." Now, he's stopped production on the TV show. What's that I'm hearing? That's the sound of your fratboy world crashing around you, mingled in with the laugher of us sane people who think you're a total fool. I've got a perfect new project for you: "Godzilla Versus Sack Scab." Guess who wins?

Get your cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.O.S.

This is Tracey Isabitch, "The Biggest Loser" Contestant...

And one of the biggest psycho whorebags I've seen on the show.

She has those 'crazy eyes.' And on this week's installment, she basically fucked everyone over. Yes, game play is a part of this show. But she's just a lowdown, con artist who really believes her own bullshit. In one challenge, she ate a bunch of cupcakes so she could control the game. She won. Bitch ain't ever seen a cupcake she hasn't shoved between her cheeks. So, she got to pick which member of each team would have their weight loss count. Oh, props to trainer Jillian for cussing this turd out. I think I'd like to kiss Jillian... but back to the story.

Hatecy screwed everyone over. Then, she gets on the scale and pulls an 11-pound weight loss, which is huge. Like her ass. NO ONE clapped for her. Great shot of trainer Bob who was about to clap and didn't. Then she was all pissy because no one clapped for her. Suck it.

Previews for next week's show alludes to a possible injury for the bitch. Oh if karma played out that quickly..... I want to say I hope she falls into a boiling vat of chocolate, cuz wouldn't THAT be ironic, but I'm gonna try to be nice. Ha.

Can't wait to see Tuesday's show!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. POS stands for Piece of Shit. XL in this case.

Evil

Lookie here. Isn't she such a sweet looking old granny? She's a fucking psycho bitch who needs to become fertilizer.

=====================
EUCLID -- Resident Dorothy Richardson, 76, was found guilty of animal abuse in Euclid Municipal Court for beating a fawn to death at her home in early July. She was fined $500, sentenced to 30 days in jail with all days suspended, and must perform 80 hours of community service.

She had been charged with two counts of misdemeanor animal abuse but one was dismissed.

She had originally pleaded not guilty to both counts but changed her plea to no contest on the one count when the first count was dismissed.

She was also told not to engage in that kind of activity again.

Richardson said she was defending herself when she beat to death a 25-pound fawn that was crouched in her flower bed, then stuffed the fawn's body in a cardboard box and put it out on trash day.

A widow, she said she has been defending her garden against deer for years and this time took a shovel and beat the fawn until it died.

She said the fawn's eyes contacted hers, like he was going to jump and bite her head off.

After the incident, Euclid City Councilman Christopher Gruber says Richardson told him something different.

Gruber says Richardson said she hit it once and, according to her, it screamed and she hit it two more times, then she said that what she wanted to do was put it at the end of the yard so the other deer know not to mess with her.

She had faced up to 60 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.
================
This hag wasn't afraid. She completely intended to kill the fawn. There are other ways to handle animals in your yard and flower gardens. This ain't cool.

I'm hoping for Stephen King-style justice. The deer gather together with a plot to get some retribution from this loser. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean.

xoxo,
RiRi

Bitchstick

Rumor has it Ms. Palin is "actively seeking" a beauty endorsement deal. Hhhmmm, I know some of you idiot men see her as prime MILF material, but really? Cover Girl material? Bleh.

I'm sure Wet n Wild could use a celeb like her, someone who's a little of both.

She wants to capitalize on that whole "lipstick on a pitbull" quip she didn't even write. Perhaps a shade of lipstick that makes the wearer disappear? I would LOVE that-- on her. I guess "lipstick on a twat" isn't as catchy.

xoxo,
RiRi