Bat wings be gone!

This... is not a pretty sight. Arm flab. I call them "bat wings." Sounds so cute, except when you're waiving to a crowd during a parade and you're creating wind gusts with your "wings." (Not that I'm speaking from experience. lol) Good news, though. The arms are easier to tone than other flabby parts (think 'gut'.) Yaaay! Small miracle.

Granted, my wings aren't too expansive. But with sleeveless season drawing closer, I really don't need to frighten children. Have you experienced scaring a child? Yeah, not so cool. I posted a link below that helps rid the "bat wings" forever! Hey, we gals need to stick together. Here's to a nation of Michelle Obama arms!

xoxo,

RiRi

http://www.prevention.com/cda/article/de-flab-your-arms/12c2d08f88803110VgnVCM20000012281eac____/fitness/fitness.coaches/ask.selene/0/

Don't trust anything with teets...

This just in:

Cows are behind the "swine flu"... they're pissed over the whole "mad cow" thing...

Pigs have it bad enough. If you're fat, you're a pig. If you eat too much, you're a pig. If you cat-call at a hot broad or burp and fart, you're a pig. They like shit. They roll around in the mud. But a pig responsible for a flu?

They've got enough in their trough to deal with.

It's cows. And they're angry. Been a subject of scruntiny for years. Red meat is bad for you. It causes heart disease and clogs your arteries, blah, blah, moo! And then, when "mad cow disease" hit, Oprah drove a stake (steak? lol) into Elsie's heart by saying she was "afraid" to eat a hamburger again (or something like that.)

They came. They saw. They plotted. The best way to deflect attention? Re-direct it.

Kudos, my beefy friends. Kudos.

xoxo,

RiRi

Fix it.

Dear President Obama...

For the love of God, do something about the broadcast industry. What's it going to take before somebody steps in? Total decimation? Guess what?

We're just about there. Is this industry not worthy of saving? There are just as many families, just as many men and women who've worked their asses off to make a living and are now finding themselves out on the streets.

The Devil of this industry-- Clear Channel. What a bunch of idiots. These are "business" men who are not broadcasters, who don't give a damn about producing a good product. They just care about the bottom line-- which has now caught up to them. But the big-wigs aren't losing their cushy gigs. It's the people who were already doing the jobs of three and four people who got shown the door.

Don't the airwaves belong to the public? What a joke. The public is NOT being served.


--Rita Riter

Hate. Her.

Young. Gorgeous. 22-inch waist.

Grrrrr...

I'm an adult?

OMG this is the sign of Armageddon.

Someone called me an adult. Me. Adult. Me. Perpetually 25 in my heart. Me. The woman-child. I was complimented, and totally freaked out at the same time.

Only recently have I entertainted the notion of being an "adult." I have a house. I have plants that I haven't killed. And I have a dog. Big accomplishments.

A colleauge and friend of mine called me for advice... because I'm an adult in the business. What? I told her she must've been scraping the bottom of the barrel and ran out of real adults.

Her dilemma-- staying in a fulltime job because it's a fulltime job. She makes shit, gets treated like shit and doesn't give a shit. She wants to leave the aforementioned shit job to pursue something she's interested in-- organic farming.

This chick is young, bright and ambitious. She's a media-type and a fellow writer. This could flourish (like something on a farm-- lol) into a career for her. How hot and niche is organic right now?

She has a part-time gig in radio news. She wants some freelance writing gigs.

My advice: follow your gut/heart. There is nothing worse than having a job for the sake of a job, despite the economy right now. I've been in this position. I've also been without a gig, and while that sucks some major-league sweaty balls, nothing sucks it harder than unhappiness and dis-satisfaction and defeat.

There is no blueprint for living life. Our parents told us that getting an education and pursuing the "American Dream" is the thing to do. They did what they thought was best-- but it doesn't work for everyone.

Who's life are you living? Yours? Or someone else's?

Everything works out as it needs to, when it needs to.

Hugs... The Newly Crowned Adult
RiRi

Just go away. Please.

Two twits in a pod...

Our favorite puke-inducing, cellophane "celebrities" Ho-dee and Splooger got married (again) this weekend. According to http://www.tmz.com/, these bitches broke the three major rules for every wedding reception.

Rule #1: Open Bar

Beer and wine were free; but mixed drinks set you back 10-bucks apiece. If I had a dick, I'd better get blown with that kind of pricing.

Rule #2: Food

Cocktail hour was anorexic-- tuna tartar. WTF? Some wings and a veggie tray would've been better. Chicken salad on a cracker? Guess they thought everyone would get full on their love. Whatever. I'm full all right-- up to the ears in your shit.

Rule #3: Show up on time

The reception was to start at 6 pm. But doors didn't open until AFTER 7:30. And the happy couple didn't arrive until 9 pm-- which would've been okay if there was something to eat and drink!

One step above trailer trash... I take that back. At least with trailer trash, there'd be a wide-assortment of road kill, moonshine and someone's cousin to get horizontal with.

Mental Massage...

Some days you just need some good juice flowin' through your noggin'... Here's a sip, freshly squeezed...

"Life is too short to waste. Dreams are fulfilled only through action, not through endless planning to take action."

-- David J. Schwartz, Trainer and Author

Celebrity Slap: April 26, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Pathetic-ness. Yes, I just made up a word.

Everyone can sleep well tonight knowing that Lindsay likes man candy again! I'm sure her ex-lover, Samantha, will be jealous. Samantha-- who's never enjoyed the Oscar Mayer. Samantha-- who's man enough for the both of them. Duh! Way to really turn her green. Cuz I guess dating another woman was too obvious? "Hi, this is Lindsay Lohan for MEN-- the other white meat."

2. John Mayer

Offense: Soon-to-be-disease-ridden-playa

He's spending quality time with some young bimbette who's dumb enough to fawn all over him. Seems like this 'sensitive rocker' got over his heartache very quickly. All that twittering about his broken heart-- blah, blah, bleck! Latest reports indicate that John is gonna build a revolving door on his fly!

1. Slumdog Dad

Offense: Actin' shady

Even though there doesn't seem to be 'evidence' that what's-his-face tried to sell his daughter for 300-grand, doesn't mean he's innocent (think O.J.) He claims the 'offer' was lost in translation. Riiiiight. Cuz being dirt poor and opportunistic is NOT a motivator. May a herd of cows run you over and smack you numerous times across the face with their teets!

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAP!

Pre-Mid Life Crisis?

So, I was emcee-ing a charity event last night. It was fantastic. A live auction was part of the event. I spied a piano. You'd think I'm a piano player, right? I'm a 'tinker-er' of the ivories. When i was wee little, I taught myself to play the flute. And I had a Yamaha keyboard, but I'm not sure if that earned me the moniker "piano player." Last year, I bought the most gorgeous Native American flute, and I'm playing that. Oh, and there's my big, black guitar I call "Big Bertha."

Anywho, I had to have that piano. Had. To. I figured I wouldn't have much competition, and I knew that my money would be going to a good cause, and I knew my limit.

I bid. I raised. I won.

Then I thought to myself, "Am I really gonna play this thing?" Was it all the wine I consumed that influenced my bidding? Did I just "drunk shop" at a charity event? Am I having a pre-midlife crisis?

Then I said to myself, "Fuck that. I bought it because I've always wanted an oldie-but-goodie piano. I'm an adult. I make money. I'm single-- don't have to fight with the Mister over expenditures. My only child is my dog-- don't have to save for his college education. Plus, it was for charity."

And on top of it all-- I got the piano because a girl needs SOMETHING to bang when the mood strikes.

XO,
RiRi

The Pits...

This is a GOOD combination...

The truth about Matthew McConahottie via People Magazine on "deoderant-gate." The reason why he doesn't get cozy with a deo stick? He...

"doesn't like to smell like something or someone else."

Okay... I get it. Uniqueness is cool. But stank is rank. And he agrees...

"If my smell starts to bother someone, I'll take a shower."

Good to know. Cuz guys can get ripe pretty fast. It'd be one thing if you oozed chocolate or roses... but what always fascinates me is how the offending smell producer NEVER can smell his/her on stench. How is this possible?

Another one of life's mysteries...

NOTE: McConnahottie is still HOT. His potential for reekness doesn't deter from that. What does that say about me?

Obsessed

"Hi. I'm Rita. And I'm a Twi-Hard."

I have reverted back to my tween years. And I don't give a damn! I am completely obsessed with the 'Twilight' saga and I can't wait until 'New Moon' comes out! Can't wait! I discovered this awesome website where I get my daily fix of all things 'New Moon!'

http://www.newmoonmovie.org/

Yeah... don't look at me like that. I may be a little older than the average age of the typical fan, but get over it. I never wanted to be a vampire more in my life! Especially since being one doesn't involve sleeping in coffins and fearing sunlight.

Ah... if only Edward were real. But Robert Pattinson is.

"Come here, Robert. Momma needs to spank you."

XOXOXO,

Rita Cullen (Pattinson)

Fit Flops-- for real?

Awww, my little baby Fit Flops came home with momma today!

Even better-- major league discount! Used some bonus points and a coupon, and voila... $9 at Macy's. Been reading rave reviews from us 'average folk' to celebs that LOVE these things. The way they're designed supposedly keep your leg and butt muscles in a constant state of trying to stay balanced.

I don't really dislike my legs. They're in great shape-- but what the hell. Doesn't hurt to be an over achiever. Maybe they'll magically make my boobies perkier and my abs... well, that would be a miracle.

My "abs" have been in witness protection for the better part of a decade.

Let you know how it goes... if I remember to wear them.

Hugs,

RiRi

Actress Rachel McAdams-- R U Out There?

I committed THE ULTIMATE screenwriting faux paus....

The CARDINAL SIN....

While writing my romantic comedy "One Year" I had you in mind for the lead role the entire time. The experts/professionals/windbags/all say it's a "no-no" because it makes a script 'unsellable.'

As if there are any real rules.

Playing by the rules hasn't gotten me anything but a whole lot of grief, so from now on-- it's balls to the wall, baby.

The reason I envisioned you, is because you are the ultimate package-- funny, witty, attractive in a non-threatening way (lol,) charming...

I wrote the script a little while back during a rough spot in my life. When life kicks you in the ovaries, you down some painkillers and write! Something good out of something bad... I recalled a conversation I had with a friend who one day out of the blue said to me:

Friend: "I'm going to find a man to be with. And I'm going to do it in a year."

Me: "You're crazy, bitch."

Friend: "No. Seriously. I can make this happen."

Me: "Riiiight. Because love is all about making it happen."

The script has been completed... revised... scrutinized... and waiting for its creator (me) to have the stones to do something about it.

*NOTE: if any fans of Ms. McAdams reads this, help me get her attention. You'd LOVE her in this role!

Hugs and kisses,

Rita Riter

"It's not size...

it's what you do with it!" -- Sunil Mehra, former editor of "Maxim" India

A survey of more than 1,000 men in India has concluded that condoms made according to international sizes are too large for a majority of Indian men. They came-up shorter than the international standards for condoms.

Nubbin' lovin'!

1,200 men volunteered to get measured... brave souls. Guess there's just too much "wiggle room" inside the raincoat. Probably looked like junior was sportin' a nightcap... or leg warmers... can't you cuff 'em like pants?

"From our population, the evidence is Indians are doing pretty well"-- more wise words from Sunil Mehra.

Hate to burst your rubber bubble-- but that's the point! The condoms aren't working. So bragging about your population is like bragging about a herpes sore. Nothing to be proud of!

Can't we all just get along? Pee Pee equality!

Get some laughs... click the dick link. Sorry, couldn't resist that one!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/south_asia/6161691.stm

Kissable

N.Y.C. LIQUID LIP SHINE-- WHAT A FIND!

The photo above is not the color I picked out for myself while "shooking"

(shopping-mostly-looking-not buying) at Target the other day... but I must say-- I dig the NYC! This lip stuff has great staying power-- and ladies, you know how important THAT is-- enduring some serious snacking and bevarge sucking. And at under $2 per pop, how could I resist in these economically-strapped times. Of course, I am a bit fearful since the gloss is made in China. What exactly is making it stick to my lips for so long.... Anywho, I won't think about it anymore. Unless I wake up tomorrow with a third lip. Ah, yes my babies... Ignorance is bliss.

Who gon' kiss this?!? lol

Mental Massage...

Nothing feels dreamier than some nice vibes flowing through that sweet spot between your ears... Here's some positive lovin' to start off your week...

"You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true."

-- Richard Bach, Writer

Writer for hire

Did I Mention I'm a "Writer for Hire?"

While I'm attempting to roundhouse-kick open the doors of Hollywood, I gotta eat. Nothing but the finest Ramen noodles and Easy Mac for me. I use my unique perspective and experience in front of the camera and behind the microphone to create juicy nuggets as a freelance writer. My edge over the other freelancers is that I know what catches the attention of producers and talent because I've been there.

What I write: video scripts, radio/television commercial copy, web copy, articles, descriptive, press releases, want ads, and anything else you may need.

Oh-- I've got excellent turnaround time. In this case, a quickie is a good thing...

Rate sheet, samples and testimonials available for serious inquiries only. ritachronicles@gmail.com

Celebrity Slap: April 17, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Anna Lynn McCord

Offense: B.O.

The '90210' actress fancies herself above deoderant-- as if she's immune to body odor. Here's some insight, Princess Stank. YOU REEK! You don't earn the nickname "Anna Lynn McStinky" if you smell all sweet and flowery. Duh! Stank will NEVER be "in." Smellin' like stale rye bread and moldy gouda ain't cool. I think I need to invent a full-body douche for people just like you. I smell (no pun intended) money!

2. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Density-- quadrupled

Obviously all the hair dye has penetrated and destroyed what grey matter she had between her ears-- cuz this fool wants to get married again. As in Number 4. As in there's-no-way-you-can-wear-white-this-time-and-get-away-with-it. Puh-leeze. The ween du jour this time arond is a scuba diver. Wah? Does she win a toaster oven or something if she marries again? And what respectable man would want that mess? It's gotta be like a Hazmat spill down "south." I'm sensing a penicilin cake at the reception!

1. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Verbal Diarrhea

This complete idiot said he totally understood where O.J. was coming from when he "didn't" kill his ex-wife and her friend in a fit of blind rage. Uh-huh. Cuz Linda has the house, the car, and the young, fine cub she's mackin' on. Oh, but wait-- Hulkster was taken out of context (despite video evidence otherwise.) Like your faux apology is gonna work. Apprently all those years of (alleged) 'roid usage as shurnk both heads.

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAP!