Mental Massage

A little jumpstart for that nice pink stuff between your ears....

"One of the most severely limiting beliefs that many of us have is that the person we were yesterday is the person we have to be today. Our past has no power other than the power we give it"

-- Richard Carlson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 26, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jeffrey Donovan

Offense: Not so smart

The "Burn Notice" star got into some trouble with the law last week, busted for DUI after he nearly hit a stopped police cruiser. He told the officer: "I really think I'm only borderline and not too drunk." Niiiice. Cuz "kinda" drunk isn't bad at all when you're driving. It's like a down-dirty-dog saying: "It's not really cheating because she sucked my schlong. We didn't have sex!" Obviously, thinking isn't your strong suit. For the love of God, don't reproduce.

2. Octomom Nadya Suleman

Offense: Insane loser

This disgrace to our gender is also a disgrace to the institution of motherhood. Octogranny is livid that her 14 grandchildren have destroyed her home, coloring on the walls, littering the rooms and stinking up the joint. It's bad enough you've treated your vajayjay like the log flume ride at Six Flags, but you and your litter have the cleanliness of a rabid beast. Did you mate with Bigfoot or what?

1. Katherine Heigl

Offense: Ego-maniacal twit

Nothing bothers me more than whiny bitches that aren't grateful for what they have. She won't stop griping about "Grey's Anatomy," complaining that her first day back was 17 hours long, and how sad she is because T.R. Knight is gone. Waaaaaa! I know being beautiful and rich sucks. Woe is you. Whatever. You could easily be doing those after 10 movies on Cinemax where the plot involves an alien needing to study the female anatomy and--poof-- your clothes fall akk. Please. Save the environment by shutting your mouth!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes the mind gets muddied. Here's a little TLC for the cranium...

"It's our attitude in life that determines life's attitude towards us."

-- Earl Nightingale

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 19, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joe Jackson

Offense: Breathing our good air

For the love of God why won't this man shut up and go away!?! All this fool sees is dollar signs in his eyes, as he had the stupidity to say publicly that Michael's kids have a future in showbiz... even calling them the "Jackson 3." Is he that out of touch? Joe Jackson, the poster child for birth control!

2. Morgan Freeman

Offense: Old perv

I always thought he was a cool dude, but there is something West Virginia-creepy about a 72-year-old wanting to knock boots with his 27-year-old step-grandaughter. I can't imagine what she finds appealing about someone old enough to be her great-grandaddy. Maybe she's really into beef jerky. I don't know. I bet there's some kind of role playing going on, like "Driving Miss Booby" or whatever. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Ick.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Nasty

When I look at Mr. Midlife Crisis, all I can see is an open, festering sore. Moo Goo Guy dumb is supposedly engaged to his tramp. Once the money dries up-- and it will because you have 8 kids-- she'll be taking her vajay-jay buffet to greener pastures. You're a disgrace to your gender. Even your testicles don't want to hang around you any more!

Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes that soft spot between your ears needs a little TLC...

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong-- because someday in your life, you will have been all of these." -- George Washington Carver

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 12, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Shauna Sands

Offense: Creepy, gross whore!

Obviously, this "thing" has no standards or morals. It's bad enough to have cheated on your hubby Lorenzo Lamas. But it's something else to be cheating on him with his 18-year-old son! Was it family pass day at Vajay-jay Park or what? I hope you let that thang breathe in between the Lamas Lovin'. Eeeeewwww!

2. Nicole Bobek

Offense: Disgraceful

The former U.S. Figure Skating Champ has taken to a new arena-- selling meth (allegedly.) She was busted this week in a 20-person sting at her second home in Florida. You're wealthy enough to have two homes, yet you had to deal meth? Unreal. Perhaps this was all a misunderstanding. She really was testing out new advertising for Campbell's Soup. "Campbells and Meth. Mmmm, Mmmm. good!"

1. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Stooo-pid

In a one-two punch fitting for our beloved hot mess, Lindsay is accused of stealing a spray tan formula and then marketing it as her own. She also turned down the Heather Graham role in "The Hangover." Ouch! Lindsay: we know you're a thief. You can barely tie your shoes, let alone formulate anything. And secondly, you can't sniff out a good movie role. Rotten "fish," yes. Good movie role, not so much. Please. Stop sitting on your brain. It's gotta hurt.

Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

For One Day

FOR ONE DAY

Over the July 4th weekend, I had the opportunity to do what I love most-- spending time with friends and family. Those moments above all others I hold dearest to my heart. While the tequilla was flowing and bellies expanding from a fine feast, we gathered 'round the firepit to start waxing poetic. I threw out the question:

"What would you want to do, who would you want to be, for one day."

The answers varied... from me saying Megan Fox and her 23-inch waist, to my friend Nat wishing she could repair a broken relationship with her father, to Matt saying he would love to be an ER doctor.

It was nice to role play. Sometimes as adults we forget to daydream, or dream at all. We get caught up in all the things being an adult means. Perhaps we all need to personally define for ourselves what that means.

So now, I ask YOU.

"What would you want to do, who would you want to be, for one day."

This is not to say that you are dissatisfied with your life. This is for fun. It's not for a deep metaphysical discussion on manifesting and creating one's life. I'm down with all of that. This is just an exercise in fun, and tapping into that fantasy part of yourself that sometimes needs watered.

Please comment. I want to know.

INCLUDE:

Your first name

Age

Location (City/State or Country)

Occupation

xoxo,

RiRi

==========================

And now, I present the legal-ese portion of this post...

If you post your comment, you agree to the following:

"I consent to the reproduction of my statements (the Interview) and grant to Rita Riter (the Company), licensees and sucessors the right to copy, reproduce, and use all or a portion of the statements for incorporation in the following work "For One Day" (the "Work.")

I permit the use of all or a portion of the Interview in the Work in all forms of media including advertising and related promotion throughout the word and in perpetuity. I grant the right to use my name in connection with all uses of the Interview and waive the right to inspect or approve use of my Interview as incorporated in the Work. I release the Company and Company's assigns, licensees and successors from any claims that may arise regarding the use of the Interview including any claims of defamation, invasion of privacy, or infringement of moral rights, rights of publicity or copyright. I acknowledge that I have no ownership rights in the Work."

Mental Massage

Getting back to the grind after a long holiday weekend can be rough... let me help.

"Yesterday is a cancelled check: Forget it. Tomorrow is a promissory note: Don't count on it. Today is ready cash: Use it!"

Edwin C. Bliss/Author

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 5, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Tyra Banks

Offense: Divatastic

While walking the red carpet at the BET Awards, Tyra totally blew off fans, refusing to wave or smile for them. She was all about strutting her Amazon booty. If Tyra wants to be the next Oprah, she needs to learn some better people skills. Oprah is a demanding queen, but she ain't no bee-yoitch! Maybe Tyra was upset cuz she realized she looks like a poor man's RuPaul. It's uncomfortable when you have to tuck, right?

2. Governor Mark Sanford

Offense: Thinking with the wrong head

Yes, Latina women are all spicy and badonkalicious, so we kinda understand why you had to travel all the way to Argentina to be a dog. But to humiliate your wife further by saying you think your ho is your soulmate, but you're gonna work on your marriage... WOW! Way to make your wife happy. If she pulls a Lorena Bobbitt and you wake up one morning and see your ween lying on the pillow next to you, who's really to blame?

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: Souless Bastard

This non-human further proved his non-humaness by pimping his silly record label every chance he's gotten. Your son is dead before his time. Your son hated you because you are a heartless bottom-feeder who psychologically damaged all your children. All this jerk can see is dollar signs-- and that is completely repulsive. In a perfect world, a car carrying Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would careen out of control, running over you and then blowing up. Now that's the "it happens in threes" thing that I wanna see!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

From the WTF? files

MAN INJURED AFTER USING NAIL CLIPPERS TO CIRCUMCISE HIMSELF

A British man had to be rushed to an ER after trying to circumcise himself with some nail clippers. The wound was cleaned and disinfected, and the young genius was kept overnight for observation (in case he wanted to maybe shave his nuts with a rusty nail.) The best of this story is the brilliant quote from the doc: "This is something we would never advise men to attempt. The results can be quite horrific and long lasting and can affect a man's sexual performance (that's what she said.) Using a pair of nail clippers must have caused excruciating pain, even if he had a few drinks beforehand."

Dude, it's not a hangnail.

xoxo,

RiRi