What up, dawg?

From the beloved four-legged family member:

=====================

Me and my buddies were sniffing around the yard the other day, and we're angry! We are tired of you humans calling cheaters 'dogs.'

How insulting!

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Dogs? They aren't good enough to be us! Dogs are loyal. Once we get our junk fixed, we only occasionally hop on a table leg or my grandma (she's as tall as I am so I think she's a toy.) We're always good to our companions. We obey. We snuggle. We follow. We're always happy to see you, even if you're gone for 2 seconds! And dogs are not "low-down-dirty." I may not be as tall as you, but I'm always clean. Mom gets me groomed (I don't really like it, though.)

So, the next time you want to point out how awful some male human is behaving, call him a cat. Because we all know cats are pussies.

I feel better now...

Mental Massage

Time to soothe that weary mind of yours...

"Never let yesterday use up too much of today."

-- Will Rogers

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelor Jake

Offense: Douchebag

Though he's proposed to Vienna, Jake still thinks he can rehab the world with his ween. Every chance he gets, he hits on another woman-- cuz he's THAT special. Gag. Yes, you're a hottie. We get it. But that doesn't mean all females are soooo overcome by your man-ness that we immediately flop down with our legs up in the air. Get over yourself!

2. Rielle Hunter

Offense: Ignorant ho

Nothing flames me more than when a mistress claims she has compassion for the wife. Really? Then how 'bout you keep a low profile and shut your trap! That would be refreshing! Rielle feels sorry for Elizabeth's pain, but then goes on to say her love for "Johnny" Edwards is forever. Blah, blah, blah. She thinks we don't know the real Rielle-- a shallow, fame-seeking, skankasoraus!

1. Jesse James

Offense: Fool

Men are dogs. Haven't we covered this already? But there's this thing called responsibility and self-control.... and keeping your word. What's even more sickening is that Sandra went on TV and praised you for always "having her back." No wonder you were crying during her acceptance speech-- you knew your ass was grass! Shame. On. You. Your wife goes off to make some money while you're riding some trampola like a hippity-hop!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Speechless...

but not wordless...


DONNA SIMPSON, DF (Dumb Fuck)

For the past few weeks, I've tried to become a "kinder, gentler Rita." Well, fuck that noize. It's because of assholes like this sick twist from New Jersey (shocking, I know) that I must vent.

Donna's goal in life is not to be an outstanding mother, tree hugger or "most loving fatty."

No. Her goal is to the World's Fattest Woman. Bitch already weighs 600 pounds and her goal is to double her size in the next two years.

But that's not the most repulsive part. She wants you and me to pay for her food bills.

What. The. FUCK!?!?

She's got the audacity to have a website in which she asks for our help in making her a disgrace to humanity. Her food bills for her alone is over 3-grand a month.

Anyone who donates to this woman's cause needs to be immediately booted off the planet or charged with attempted murder.

I'd call Donna a pig, but pigs are cute and cuddly.

I'd call Donna stupid, but stupid people have SOME brain function.

I'd call Donna a douche, but a douche has purpose.

So... I'll just say you're one of God's special creatures. Emphasis on creature. I hope you don't accidentally sit on one of your kids and suffocate them.

By the way, I need a car cover. Can I borrow your panties? Vurp....

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Sean Penn

Offense: Disgrace to men

He was thrown out of the Governor's Ball after the Oscars for allegedly punching one of "The Hurt Locker" producers for dating his ex-wife, Robin Wright. Heaven forbid she move on from your hot-headed, immature, sorry, fooltastic self! You're the one who waffled back and forth between getting divorced, then calling it off like some wishy-washy schoolgirl. Stick to acting. because behaving like a gentleman is something you're incapable of!

2. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Delusional

This wack-job is suing E*Trade for one-hundred million dollars for their "Milkaholic" commercial because they named one of the babies Lindsay-- which clearly means they meant "Lohan." She says she's a single-name phenonmenon like Madonna and Oprah and she's hurt at the implication that she has loose morals. What mother-fucking-bizarro world did we wake up in!?!? Had the baby been named "Ho" or "Insane" or "Bipolar" then we would've known for sure it was you. Stop giving crazy people a bad rap!

1. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Egomaniacal waste of space

She says she and her BF Liam Hemsworth are "deeper than normal people." She says they think and feel deeper than you and I do. Because truly deep people need to let everyone else know how great they are! The only deep thing about you is the shit you're shovelling... and your daddy's mullet. That's pretty deep. I bet you can't even spell "deep," you mouth-breathing, hillbilly, no-talent twit!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Some mind lovin' on the way...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Janice Dickinson

Offense: Self-absorbed

This so-called "World's First-Ever Supermodel" wants her own reality TV show so she can find some young stud to 'wait on her hand and foot.' In reality, it'd be more like some dude wiping her ass and feeding her oatmeal since she's the sister of Father Time! Beware, studs-- her crotchal area is probably like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go there, you'll be lost forever!

2. Cameron Douglas

Offense: Whiny biotch

He says he's not to blame for his drugging and trouble-making because he was born to Michael Douglas--a wealthy and famous man-- and therefore, his life was too difficult. (cue dramatic music) He was hurt in a variety of ways: "So don't blame me. I didn't ask to be born." WAAAAHHHH! By the way, we're equally sorry you were born-- cuz we have to pay for your cry-baby ass while you're in prison ... and, you're breathing our good air! You've been evicted to Stupid Planet!

1. The Nation of China

Offense: Antiquated

These fools adore Tiger Woods because they say the true sign of a man's success is how many mistresses he has. Please. It shows how stupid a man is because he's gonna have to pay for them all one way or another. No wonder y'all are so good at math-- you need to keep track of all your tramps! Don't mind if I Kung Pao you in the collective junk!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time to recharge that thing between your ears...

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi