Mental Massage

Some inspiration for the last week of 2009...

"To accomplish great things, we must dream as well as act."
-- Anatole France

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

A box wrapped in a box...

Dear Santa...

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth... and a vagina necklace!

What. The. Fuck.

There really is vaj jewelry out there. Jessica Marie is her name. Started designing poon pendants a year ago when she needed to "reconcile" with her own coochie. Okay...

You must check out her website. www.vulvalovelovely.etsy.com

There are other assorted things that celebrate the vaj.

Maybe you can get something for the mom-in-law because she's the ultimate twat. Just sayin'...

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. You buy me this for Christmas, and it will be on the only pussy you're getting for a decade. And you will eventually get carpel tunnel, so don't even go there...

Mental Massage

So soothing...

"Joy is prayer. Joy is strength. Joy is love. Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls."

--Mother Teresa

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A dose of the good stuff...

"Laughter is to life what shock absorbers are to automobiles. It won't take the potholes out of the road, but it sure makes the ride smoother."

-- Barbara Johnson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Opening her mouth

Guess strutting around isn't enough for her. Now, she's gotta commit noise pollution by singing. Yes, she plans on putting out... a single... called "High." Just because you've banged a few rock stars and can play the skin flute doesn't make you musical. Stick to what you do best-- trying to look like a 20-year-old with your fake-bake, barely-there clothing, bad tatts and peroxide hair. If you didn't have the fake boobalas, you'd be extra pathetic... wait.....

2. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Touched by idiocy

Hulk and Linda have been split-up, divorced-- whatever-- for a while. Yet, these two keep acting like brats on the playground. Hulk wants his antique, wooden toilet seat back. He claims Linda stole that and some other stuff from their home. Really? What is so special about a toilet seat? You put your ass on it! Obviously, this is where your brains are stored. Maybe you're letting them out to breathe when you sit. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to get a life!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Cesspool of ick

Last week, you were slapped for not covering your trail. This week, you're just plain gross. 13 women!?!?! With no protection!?!? What's your excuse gonna be? You're mourning your dad still; I'm not happy at home; I'm a sex addict. Blah, blah, blah. No wonder you can't sleep at night-- it's called guilt. Which means there might be a slim chance of hope for you. My mind can't even conceive what kind of karma is gonna come your way. I have a feeling it might be crusty and oozing-- but that's just me. Anywho, you out douchebagged Jon Gosselin, which is really hard to do. Deal with that.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time to clear the mind clutter...

"Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver."

--Barbara De Angelis

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 6, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Bach

Offense: Hypocrite

All those times you ragged your well-deserving ex-hubby David Hasselhoff, it seems you are just as bad. Sure, there's no video of you rolling around on the bathroom floor shirtless and flabby eating a burger. You're way worse than your leather-clad ex, because YOU got behind the wheel of a car. Very not cool. Perhaps you two can get rooms next to each other in rehab and out-whine each other to death. That would make the rest of us happy.

2. The Salahis

Offense: Losers

Do you not have any real friends? Seriously. Expending valuable time and energy crashing events is bizarre, and in your case, against the law! Your entire life is based on fiction. Join a knitting club or play laser tag or something! I bet it's because you have something to hide-- like the two of you are really squirrel-fondlers from the hills of West Virginia!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Caught with pants down, so to speak

Sure, it's a bit disappointing that someone who portrayed an air of class is really an ass. It's actually our fault for forgetting that you're just a man. A man who has a hang-low that dominates every waking moment. And because the previously-mentioned hang-low results in lack of thought, let me remind you-- COVER YOUR TRAIL! Or is that "tail?" No texts. No voicemails. No emails. Duh! You're giving stupid a bad name!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Sha La La La

Meredith Baxter is-- gasp-- a lesbian! Whatever. More importantly, that completely changes the Family Ties theme song, "Without Us"... allow me to help.

"With Our Muffs"

I had liked those franks and beans for a million years

But after time, the jugs and pink taco I liked more

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

We could rub 'em together or use a vibe or two

What will we do baby, with our muffs?

=========

Munch away, Meredith. Munch. Away.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A jolt of positivity....

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime, you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything."

-- Mary Hemingway

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Feel the positivity...

"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."

--Voltaire

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Delusional

We all have "The List" in the event that some Hollywood hottie would actually want to say "Hi" to us. It's fun. It's a game. With this mini-Buddha, it's for real. On his "hit list" is Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port. Puh-leez. Lindsay, sure. But the other two? Good luck. Now we have proof positive that you are indeed insane. There is no way I'd even let you touch my cookies. None. Nada. Never. Even if you paid me. Keep your egg roll to yourself!

2. Kathie Lee Gifford

Offense: Humorless

Poor woman is all upset because Kristen Wiig did a sketch making fun of her on SNL. Boo hoo. Stop taking yourself so seriously and be grateful that someone remembers who you are! On top of being angry, Kathie Waaa is threatening to sue. Come on. We should sue you for that awful Carnival Cruise song you did last century. Don't you have some bridge to go hide under, you troll?

1. Speidi-- that's Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Offense: Too numerous to list

The lovable Al Roker and these two ninnies got into an argument on-air a while back. Basically, Al called them out on all their bullshit. They took offense, because they have Jesus on their side. Spencer took to his Twitter account to slander Al, saying he was old, fat and the most offensive-- abusive to women. Spencer, you're not funny. Not in the slighest. And seriously, don't hide behind God. By the by, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you. In Exodus 10:15: "God looked down from the mountain and told Spencer to STFU!" Amen.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Disgraceful

This is just wrong.

Is nothing sacred anymore? What lowlife piece of trailer trash desecrates Big Boy!?! Wait, I just answered that...

My beloved boy with the big, blue eyes, jet black hair and squeezability has been transformed into a hill-squatin' (I really don't know what that means, but it sounds bad) mascot! NOOOOO!

Some of my best childhood memories involved Dad grabbin' a sack of Big Boy burgers on the Fridays when he and Mom had a little extra cash. We would drive our "new" beater car to the local airport and watch the planes land. Yummy, juicy double-stacked burgers with special sauce... and fries. Ah, those were the days.

And now, the poor boy has obvious pit and crotch issues, might like dick, and has a Hitler mustache.

I'm praying to the Gods of All Things Good that Big Boy had the last laugh and crushed his stank-breath violators with the burger that's supposed to be in his raised hand! But I'm afraid that some redneck is using the burger as a coffee table, or even worse, as his part of his love nest. Vurp.

By the by, my friend snapped this photo on the way to a sales call. I guess the folks out in the country have nothing better to do than pull some cow teets and desecrate a part of Americana!

I'm okay now... deep, cleansing breath.....

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A jolt a positivity for your brain...

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

-- Jimmy Dean

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Lack of tact

She's got a pretty popular song with "Party in the USA." Instead of being grateful, she says she didn't think it was gonna be popular and doesn't really listen to Jay-Z music. Because simply saying that she was happy the song is doing well and leaving it at that would be too obvious. Perhaps she's suffering from some type of disease which explains her lack of class: like, Footinmouthitis, Dumbhillbillycus, or Whoreusinthemaking.

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Unbelievable B.S. Spewer

Rihanna bravely shared the details of the horrific incident between her and Chris because she realizes how many young girls look up to her. Meanwhile, Chris needs to fire his PR person, because he should never have responded to Rihanna's interview. He felt the details should "remain a private matter." You know, that's exactly what an abuser says! Let's not talk about it, so it'll go away. Like it never happened. It did happen. And while he says he accepts responsibility, the eyes don't lie. I don't know what else to say. But this does come to mind-- you're a repulsive maggot!

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: King of Planet Stupid

Didn't take long for this waste of space to ask Michael's estate for a monthly allowance-- to the tune of $15,000. What do you need a monthly allowance for, Crypt Keeper? For more belts to whip small children with? For booze to ply Al Sharpton with so you can get him between the sheets? For that pimpin' wardrobe that went out of style with "Starsky and Hutch?" And if that weren't bad enough, you look like a fossilized Mr. Potato Head!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Suck it. Please.

A radio friend of mine does a bit where she goes-off on stupid stuff. Because let's face it-- when you have some intelligence, being surrounded by bottom-feeders and inbreds can be quite aggravating. Some people take exception to brutal honesty. Case in point: an irrate emailing listener.
==============
Dear Gina:

This morning while taking my children to school, you were doing your usual dish. TONE IT DOWN!

As you're screaming "You SUCK!" about someone, I'm thinking, "No, Gina, YOU SUCK" if that's all the better language choice you have in your vocabulary.

It went on and on and I had to turn the radio off.

Respectfully,

Deborah F
=============

Gina's response:

Dear Deborah: (I assume the "F" stands for "fuckhead?"-- see my vocabulary is QUITE expansive-- ooh, that's a three-syllable word! Bonus Scrabble!)

I'm truly sorry you were offended by my extremely popular bit, which I've done EVERY DAY at the same time for TWO YEARS. Somebody had a dick in their ear again!

And thanks for saying I suck. I do suck. Well. At least that's what your husband said last night.

Respectfully,
Gina Foxx

P.S. God bless.
=============

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Simply beautiful words of encouragement...

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast-- you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

--Eddie Cantor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 8, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. A-Rod

Offense: Over-inflated sense of self

According to sources, Kate Hudson is trying to get A-Rod to evolve into a less-egotistical human. Cuz, he's having a hard time with that. Apparently, this self-lover has two painted portraits in his home of himself as a centaur-- the mythical, legendary half-man/half-horse. Weird! Wouldn't it be more appropriate to have a painting of a half-man/half-donkey known as an A-Rass? Seriously.

2. Kevin Spacey

Offense: Rude and Nasty

I love you, Kevin Spacey, but I cannot overlook this. A waiter was fired from his job becasue he upset Kevin and his dinner party by asking them not to smoke. Because it's illegal. Apparently, Kevin believes it's his world and we're just living in it. He completely cussed-out the poor waiter and told him to "get the fuck away from my table!" Perhaps since Kevin lives in England some of the time he left his manners there. Maybe we need to speak your language. Straighten up or prepare for some fish and chips to be bum-rushed into your pseudo-limey backside!

1. Andre Agassi's Dad

Offense: Worse than a sister-lovin' hillbilly

In his autobiography, Andre says his dad gave him speed before some tournaments so he could win. Unacceptable. Sorry, Mr. Loser that your life was so unfullfilling you had to ply your son, your flesh and blood, with drugs so he-- and you-- could be a champion. You need your sack ripped off and placed in a clear box around your neck so the world will know that you're not worthy of your own manjuice. Because, quite simply, you're an incompetent non-human. And did I mention-- you suck!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Got hurl?

Just like Syrup of Ipecac or sticking your finger down your throat, this will make you hurl.

That's all I got.

xoxo,
RiRi

Making dumb look smart...

Wow. Just... Wow. And she told the cops she'd been "drinking all night long."

Guess she was working under the premise: "Honesty is the best policy." Too bad she got into the car in the first place, because she could've easily killed someone. Will she get in trouble for talking on a cell phone while driving? Could she have started a trend where people just start confessing stuff?

911: "What's your emergency?"
Dolt: "Someone just robbed the bank."
911: "Did you get a look at the suspect?"
Dolt: "He looks a lot like me."
911: "Like you?"
Dolt: "Actually, it's me."
911: "You robbed the bank."
Dolt: "Yeah."

Think how much easier crime solving will be...

xoxo,
RiRi

Oooh, That Smell

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that older ladies MUST wear obnoxious/toxic floral perfume?

I have nothing against flowers. Love them! But when the one-stall ladies room smells like an orgy of flowers-- not so cool. Does menapause cause the olfactory sense to shut down? Did you smell like this 30-years ago? If so, how did you ever get laid? Sweatin' up the sheets with you would be like boppin' Pigpen-- only with stanky-ass perfume!

Putrid. When I open the bathroom door, it's like that green funk that killed Egypt's firstborn in the Ten Commandments.

By the way, you're not hiding a damn thing. It just smells like a rose-covered turd. Gag. Because of you, over-perfumed-toilet-violatin-coworker, my kidneys are floating because I have to walk to the hotel a block over to tinkle. No way am I gonna get pinned with your shit-- literally.

Less is more, ho-bag.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Let's fill that brain place with some positivity....

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Wishing is not enough; we must do."

--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Delusional

"Dad of The Year" is making the talk show circuit in his quest to save his poor daughter Lindsay from a life of peril and dismay. Claiming he "hates to speak out publicly," Michael made an emotional plea-- on TV-- saying he'd do anything to save her life. Please. I doubt you really want to help your daughter, because there would be no more publicity! How 'bout you shut your trap and actually try to be more intelligent than your shoe! Right now, you're not a dad. You're a just a sperm donor.

2. Levi Johnston

Offense: Speaking

This Einstein says he's gonna spill all the beans about Sarah Palin cuz she started it first. "It came out that Sarah didn't like me, and nobody in the family liked me. So there." Wow. Well-spoken. I'm sure you're "this close" to some kind of scientific breakthrough with all that brain activity going on. NOT! For the love of all things sacred, tell your secrets to a newspaper reporter so we never have to hear your caveman voice again. Piece of advice-- stick to what you're good at. Like taking off your clothes and keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

1. Richard Heene

Offense: The Ultimate Dickbag

Some people should never reproduce. And Richard Heene is a prime example. He's used his children as props and pawns and actors since birth. Literally. Video is floating about out there of Richard, 10-years ago, trying to shove a cigar into the mouth of his then-infant son. Oh, and the baby is holding an empty beer bottle. This is never cute or funny. It's sad and riddiculous. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, douchesniffer. Bubba's waiting for you behind bars with his own ideas on how to iniate you into his world of reality!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

BTN

"Mr. Right Enough"

I was disturbed by an article I read in some women's magazine that I can't remember, but I do remember the article... it was all about how women should settle.

The premise: women in their 20s encounter men who are 8s (out of 10, I suppose) but turn them down because they don't match their ideal man. And by the time an unnattached woman reaches the tender age of 40, she should settle for Mr. Right Now. Because the great men in their 40s are married. So just pick the best of what's left and be so gosh-darned happy! I've overheard some ladies talking about this very thing. Talking about how so-and-so isn't the greatest, but he's BTN-- Better Than Nothing.

Gag.

Sorry, but I value myself a little more than that. I get that there is no knight-in-shining armour, but is settling the answer? Is getting married to the first available pseudo-hunk (see above) the answer? Is letting some snaggle-tooth stick his beef jerky inside you the answer cuz at least it's connected to a warm, but probably funky-smelling body?

Hell fucking no.

When you settle for a guy, everyone knows you settled for a guy and then you become a pathetic vortex of snickering and gossip. How is that good for you? It's not. Wake up.

I can't believe a woman wrote that article. Judas!

There is one version of Mr. Right Now that's perfectly acceptable: Go on the prowl for a young "cub." Have a fun night. Then leave. If you had settled for some nice dude with three nipples you wouldn't be able to smack some young ass.

You're welcome.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Like the H1N1 vaccine-- except for your mind...

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

-- Maya Angelou

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar Getty

Offense: Pathetic

These two probably deserve each other. She, with her Bermuda Triangle crotch. And he, with his wandering trouser snake. These two have decided to hook-up. Maybe they're working under the premise that two wrongs make a right. Or put two funky people together and they smell like roses. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Getty, when you wake up one morning and junior has left the region.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Tooltastic

Dude turned down an appearance on a radio show because he wanted 12-grand and didn't get it. His P.R. mouth justified the outrageous demand, saying Jon's "fun and witty" and that his mere prescence is worth it. I'm sure he is-- if you live on Planet Nimrod. Otherwise, he's simply a blithering idiot. There's nothing cool or mysterious about him. In fact, here's an ancient Chinese secret about him that's not so secret-- you sucky long time!

1. Heidi Pratt

Offense: Shameless

This fine "Christian" wouldn't attend her sister's birthday party unless she got paid. Really. Cuz Heidi only goes places she's paid to go. Which, in essence, makes her a ho. What would our Heavenly Father say about that? He would say: Thou shalt quit being a biotch and quit being as fake as your boobies, and your personality, and your hair... and-- why the fuck did I create you?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes........ SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PAPA RITER!

Pops is another year older. And if it weren't for his nest of white hair, you'd never know how old he really is.

On this day, I reflect on some tender moments between a dad and his little girl:

1. When I was little and we'd get those "Adopt Maria" fliers in the mail, you told me you were gonna "trade me in." I cried for a few hours, then you let me off the hook.

2. Homecoming my Freshman year in high school. I never got the chance to get kissed by Steve because you yelled at mom to throw on the porch light and greet us at the door as his car pulled in. He didn't even walk me to the door because he feared retribution. I heard your laughter in the background, by the by.

3. The totally cool moment when you threatened that carload of toolbags that followed me home from school one day. Thankfully, you were already home from work and standing in the driveway. The boys thought they had game when they got out of the car. (I was scared shitless.) You went into the garage, got your gun and posed the poignant question: "Do you dickheads wanna die today?" Yup, the said dickheads left-- never to be seen again! lol

Love you, Dad. You truly are the last of the real men!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

Today Mom celebrates her "29th" birthday... again. Funny how I'm older that her now.

I want to thank you mom, for being born then eventually birthing me. I hope you enjoy your gifts from the heart, the fine meal I will prepare, and the wine I'm going to ply you with this weekend so you won't ask if I will give you a grandchild by your next birthday. Hey, it was you who told me men are like shoes: there are plenty of Keds hanging around, but why not wait for Christian Louboutin?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

xoxo,

Your offspring

Just call him "Dick"

RICHARD HEENE

Well, well, well... Balloon fucks. Looks like someone's in biiiig trouble!

Charges most likely will come by the end of the week for the Heene's. And I have no compassion for people who lack a moral compass. Fuck. Off. It's one thing for you and your hag to be liars, but to use your children as "players" in your sick and twisted fame-seeking game-- unacceptable. Poor 6-year-old Falcon, your son-- the boy we thought may have fallen out of your redneck time machine -- was throwing up on live TV, obviously unable to cope with all the lies. And I'm sure you don't give a damn about the family whose wheat crop your stunt destroyed when your balloon landed. They only get a full crop every two years. And now-- this year is ruined.

For the love of God what happened to Survival of the Fittest?!? Bring it!

Oh, and I don't find it coincidental that Heene rhymes with weenie.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Mmmmm.... cranium lovin'......................

"Happiness doesn't depend on what we have, but it does depend on how we feel toward what we have. We can be happy with little and miserable with much."

--William Dempster Hoard

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 18, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. David Hasselhoff
Offense: Hot Mess
So who's the drunken fool now? Apparently, you, David Mazel Tov. Dude got so drunk at Simon Cowell's 50th birthday bash that he couldn't walk. He had to be hospitalized for two days! I'm sure he was regaling the partygoers with tales from his days a primo piece of Baywatch man candy. Actually, he's more like that piece of Bit O' Honey candy that you begrudingly took from your grandma so you wouldn't hurt her feelings, and you left it in your pocket and it became a molten mess-- like David Hasselhoff!

2. David Letterman
Offense: Reprehensible
You're a man in the entertainment business, and therefore, you're more inclined to be a dog because you can. Not that it's right, but we get it. However, it is completely tasteless to take your mistress on vacay with your wife-to-be and your son. Ick. Gross. Dispicable! How can you look yourself in the mirror? Now we know why you named your company Worldwide Pants. You obviously want to spread your lovin' around Planet Earth. If I were your wife, I'd put my foot between the gap in your front teeth!

1. Billy Ray Cyrus
Offense: Desperate dickbag
Billy Ray's got his tightie whities in a bunch because his little moneymaker Miley has abandoned the Twitter world. Oh, the humanity! He's begged her, via Twitter, to come back because she's "a light in a world of darkness." Gag. Let's be honest. Daddy needs to stockpile a much money as he can, cuz when she turns 18-- game over! Billy Ray gonna be cryin' in his mullet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,
RiRi

It's. On.

I hate it when people fight dirty. You know what I mean. Ad campaigns for political office who slam their opponent instead of focusing solely on what makes them the right person for the job.

Now, it's a state vs. state battle. Kentucky is trying to lure young Ohioans to their state. Not by painting a picture of what a great place Kentucky is, but on how shitty Ohio is. The marketing firm that created these series of ads even calls a fictional city in Ohio "Oblivion" and a fictional city in Kentucky "Possibility."

How clever!

1. I'm not the first one to say it, and I won't be the last. But really, are you proud of state who's initials are KY?

2. Yes, I see the possibilities in Kentucky. I can probably marry my brother legally, so all that fuckin' "tain't so bad after all."

3. This from a state that pronounces Louisville, Loo-ah-ville. Guess all you toothless bastards have a hard time saying stuff.

Let's face it. You're really just jealous of Ohio. Cuz when you look at a map of the U.S., you're really just Ohio's left ball, hanging next to your relative-scrompin-brothers-West Virginia-- aka, Ohio's right ball.

Now, get back to your double-wide (and I don't mean yo momma.) Your tv dinner's ready.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Time for some cranium lovin'...

"Great minds have purposes; others have wishes."

-- Washington Irvin

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 11, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Down dirty dawg

Some young hoochie momma claims Beyonce's daddy fathered her unborn child. Oops! Bet your wife of 23 years is soooo pleased to know you've been dippin' and slippin' where you shouldn't be. How ironic that you're gonna be livin' some Destiny's Child/Beyonce tunes real soon-- like "Bills, Bills, Bills;" "Ring The Alarm;" and "Beautiful Liar." You're old enough to know better, Matthew! Wrap. It. Up.

2. LeAnn Rimes

Offense: Psycho

Not only is LeAnn a man stealer, but she's apparently a spiteful stalker. Eddie Cibrian's ex says LeAnn is 'space invading' her by moving in the same 'hood as her, which is near her son's school! What are you gonna do next? Break into her house and sniff her panties? Creepy! Now that you've won the ween, perhaps you can concentrate on your singing career. I think a cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy" is a perfect fit.

1. Lamar Odom

Offense: Manic

Guess it's not only chicks that have marriage on the brain. Lamar was dating actress Taraji Henson. He was so in love with her, he proposed. She freaked because she thought it was too soon. One week later, Lamar met Khloe K. and now they're blissfully pseudo-wed. If you wanted a kindred spirit to wed, you should've snagged Jennifer Love Hewitt. Girl's dying to be a missus. Lamar, thy name is desperation. And it stank like Heidi Fleiss' neither regions.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Project Cruise

In the latest issue of Elle magazine, Katie Holmes reveals that her alien hubby Tom Cruise critiques her clothing.

"He usually likes everything, but sometimes I'll walk out and he'll say 'I think that dress might be wearing you. You don't need that."

I'm sure she dilligently obeyed her master and changed into a more pleasing outfit immediately.

If Tom made that comment to me, I would've said: "That's a lovely shade of dick you're wearing."

Fucktard.

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

TAYLOR LAUTNER

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

February 11, 2010 = Taylor's 18th birthday.

Hurry up so I don't feel like such a perv!

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

YAAAAY! FAKE ORANGE JUICE, KOREAN STYLE!

Now that Dad is retired, he keeps himself busy. Which is a good thing, because he'll go insane otherwise. Busy means, at least, weekly trips to my palatial estate. We usually do a food trade: Dad brings whatever, and I satisfy his sweet tooth.

Dad hands me a can of this orange juice. It's not really a juice. It's orange DRINK (there's 31 grams of sugar in this bad boy.) Big difference. But to my parents "juice" and "drink" are the same. They poured Hi-C down my throat for years. Anywho, dad swears this Bon-Bon crap is the "best orange juice I've ever had. It has pulp in it." I didn't have the heart to tell him you can buy orange juice with pulp in it.

The drink vs. juice argument is not what fascinates me here. What does fascinate me are all the subliminal messages on this can of swill!

1. A drink with "sac"!? I was prepared to see a pair of kiwis on the underside of the can.

2. The orgasmic orange. Look at that pulsating orange shooting pulp all over the place!

3. Bon Bon. Didn't Ricky Martin want me to shake my "Bon Bon"!?

Since this is the "best," I had to give it a try. Would I tingle? Would I explode with pleasure just like the orange?

I chugged. Yes! I feel something. I chugged some more! Again! And Again! And then-- nothing.
I felt empty. Just like the calories in this "juice." Empty, just like a tramp that takes a dude home at the end of the night and realizes he's not Prince Charming.

xoxo,

RiRi

Dwoink

That's a word my bff's 11-year-old daughter likes to throw around. Guess it's the little kiddie version of "douchebag." No real definition for 'dwoink,' except it can be applied to most mouth-breathing idiots that roam our fair Earth.

Dwoink reminds me of the sound a turd makes when it hits the bottom of the bowl, or in words: Jon Gosselin.

Clearing out $230,000 from a joint bank account is wrong. And it violates an arbitrator's ruling. And it's wrong. I guess he forgot that Happy Meals don't grow off trees in the backyard. Or maybe he thinks his 8 children are old enough to work for money to buy the food and clothes and other things they need. Did I mention this is wrong?

Either this motherfucker is insane or he's just a complete pube. Or perhaps a bit of both. Again, real men of this world, I implore you to ask this cretin to hand his balls back. Kick him out of the club.

Dwoink, indeed.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes life bitch slaps you. This will make you feel better...

"Things do not change; We change"

-- Henry David Thoreau

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 4, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tawny Kitaen

Offense: Trainwreck

The "hactress" busted again for DUI. It's like the millionth time. What happened, Tawny? You were good in "Bachelor Party." Of course, you weren't in the movie very much. And those smokin' moves in all those Whitesnake videos-- awesome! But now the only thing you're writhing on these days is a case of Jack. Pathetic. You're definitely no sweet kitty. Sourpuss-- for many reasons I'm sure-- you are.

2. Pamela Bach and The Hoff (smackin' him for fun!)

Offense: Pam's a B.S. Artist

Seems I mis-slapped The Hoff last week. He may not have been a drunken mess, this time. Ex-wife Pamela wanted a little revenge and called 911 on him. Three words: Get. Over. It. There are plenty of other tools to stalk. David's got enough going against him: bad botox, an over-inflated sense of self, and hideous man perm. Don't add to it. My head's gonna explode. Just like his pants, which are way too tight for a man his age. Air needs to circulate there!

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dastardly (I went to college, so I know big words and stuff)

Earlier this week, bipolar boy asked the court to hold-off on divorce proceedings for 90 days. We recall you saying how much you 'despise Kate." Now, he's stopped production on the TV show. What's that I'm hearing? That's the sound of your fratboy world crashing around you, mingled in with the laugher of us sane people who think you're a total fool. I've got a perfect new project for you: "Godzilla Versus Sack Scab." Guess who wins?

Get your cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.O.S.

This is Tracey Isabitch, "The Biggest Loser" Contestant...

And one of the biggest psycho whorebags I've seen on the show.

She has those 'crazy eyes.' And on this week's installment, she basically fucked everyone over. Yes, game play is a part of this show. But she's just a lowdown, con artist who really believes her own bullshit. In one challenge, she ate a bunch of cupcakes so she could control the game. She won. Bitch ain't ever seen a cupcake she hasn't shoved between her cheeks. So, she got to pick which member of each team would have their weight loss count. Oh, props to trainer Jillian for cussing this turd out. I think I'd like to kiss Jillian... but back to the story.

Hatecy screwed everyone over. Then, she gets on the scale and pulls an 11-pound weight loss, which is huge. Like her ass. NO ONE clapped for her. Great shot of trainer Bob who was about to clap and didn't. Then she was all pissy because no one clapped for her. Suck it.

Previews for next week's show alludes to a possible injury for the bitch. Oh if karma played out that quickly..... I want to say I hope she falls into a boiling vat of chocolate, cuz wouldn't THAT be ironic, but I'm gonna try to be nice. Ha.

Can't wait to see Tuesday's show!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. POS stands for Piece of Shit. XL in this case.

Evil

Lookie here. Isn't she such a sweet looking old granny? She's a fucking psycho bitch who needs to become fertilizer.

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EUCLID -- Resident Dorothy Richardson, 76, was found guilty of animal abuse in Euclid Municipal Court for beating a fawn to death at her home in early July. She was fined $500, sentenced to 30 days in jail with all days suspended, and must perform 80 hours of community service.

She had been charged with two counts of misdemeanor animal abuse but one was dismissed.

She had originally pleaded not guilty to both counts but changed her plea to no contest on the one count when the first count was dismissed.

She was also told not to engage in that kind of activity again.

Richardson said she was defending herself when she beat to death a 25-pound fawn that was crouched in her flower bed, then stuffed the fawn's body in a cardboard box and put it out on trash day.

A widow, she said she has been defending her garden against deer for years and this time took a shovel and beat the fawn until it died.

She said the fawn's eyes contacted hers, like he was going to jump and bite her head off.

After the incident, Euclid City Councilman Christopher Gruber says Richardson told him something different.

Gruber says Richardson said she hit it once and, according to her, it screamed and she hit it two more times, then she said that what she wanted to do was put it at the end of the yard so the other deer know not to mess with her.

She had faced up to 60 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.
================
This hag wasn't afraid. She completely intended to kill the fawn. There are other ways to handle animals in your yard and flower gardens. This ain't cool.

I'm hoping for Stephen King-style justice. The deer gather together with a plot to get some retribution from this loser. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean.

xoxo,
RiRi

Bitchstick

Rumor has it Ms. Palin is "actively seeking" a beauty endorsement deal. Hhhmmm, I know some of you idiot men see her as prime MILF material, but really? Cover Girl material? Bleh.

I'm sure Wet n Wild could use a celeb like her, someone who's a little of both.

She wants to capitalize on that whole "lipstick on a pitbull" quip she didn't even write. Perhaps a shade of lipstick that makes the wearer disappear? I would LOVE that-- on her. I guess "lipstick on a twat" isn't as catchy.

xoxo,
RiRi

Addadictomy

Wannahaves.com came up with the Top 10 Best Movies for Men:

10. Resrvoir Dogs
9. Natural Born Killers
8. Die Hard
7. Star Wars: Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
6. The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
5. Goodfellas
4. Scarface
3. Pulp Fiction
2. The Shawshank Redemption
1. The Godfather Trilogy

Nice list. Then I realized that six of these movies I would consider favorites. 6 out of 10.
60-percent (I don't know if that's actually correct.) I'm a female. These are greatest movies for men.

Gulp.

Does that mean I'm a hermaphrodite? Will I wake up one day as Rosie O'Donnell? Do I have a deep-down urge to wear work boots and flannel? Or worse yet-- will I wake up one morning and my girl parts will be replaced with those... boy parts?

Eeek!

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Ready for your positive vibe fix?

"Believe your beliefs and doubt your doubts."

-- F.F. Bosworth

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi