Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ryan Phillippe

Offense: Dirty Cheater

He cheated on ex-wife Reese Witherspoon and now on Abbie Cornish-- his former mistress by the way. That makes my head hurt. Anywho... Sorry, Abbie. You know the saying: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." I really don't know who'd be interested in this below-average actor, cuz he ain't "all that." He looks like the offspring of Bozo the Clown and Carrot Top.

2. ESPN's Tony Kornheiser

Offense: Lacking tact

Dude went-off on air about fellow anchor Hannah Storm's outfit. He thought her shirt was too tight, saying it looked like she had sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I love how the fashion backward feel qualified to vilify. Face it. You're just jealous because her 'sausage' is bigger than yours.

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Clueless fool

Tiger can't understand why Elin doesn't want to take a family photo with him. She's probably afraid she's gonna get some kind of skank rabies from you! It may be hard to hear or believe, but you can't snap your fingers and have your world return to normal. The only thing you CAN get when you snap your fingers is some tramp's legs flying open.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Birdophile

Doesn't she look like a sweet granny?

If you've got cataracts and think a double-wide is a mansion....

Meet Donna Louise Greenwell (by the by, only serial killers and rednecks go by two first names)

a Louisiana skank who sold two children under the age of 6 for... wait for it... an exotic bird and $175. I guess an even $200 would've broken the bank.

I can just hear it now. A thought fragment bouncing around the space between her ears:

"Dem thur talkin' burds is cool. I got this hur nest on my head yins cans sleep thur."

Is she a birdophile? Nothin' gets her granny panties all moist like Toucan Sam... WTF?

Fortunately, she was sentenced to 15 months hard labor. So were the two twits that made the deal with her.

Who wakes up one morning and thinks this is a great idea? Obviously, oversized Funyun-eating-KMart-polyester-pant-wearin-fucks do....

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. Bitch got more chins than a Chinese phone book.... yeah. I went there.

Mental Massage

Catch this positivity wave...

"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions."

-- Albert Einstein

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Simon Monjack

Offense: Shady

Brittany Murphy's devastated widower thought he would honor his departed wife with a charity established in her name. Minor detail-- you need to file the appropriate paperwork to really make it a charity. Otherwise, it looks like you're taking advantage of people. You wouldn't do that, would you? Nothing like turning grief into opportunity. Your last name should be Monjackal.

2. Jillian Michaels

Offense: Scam artist

I dig that you're a bad-ass and you yell at people and make 'em hurt... it's kinda hot.... But I'm starting to get suspicious that you're not "all that" considering three lawsuits filed against you in two weeks. Don't you do a little research to make sure that the ingredients in your fat burning pills are acutally safe? I guess turning a fast buck on the plump booties of America is all that really matters. I'm praying to the gods that one day you wake up and your ass is bigger than your head-- if that's possible!

1. Heather Mills

Offense: Pathetic

She dragged Sir Paul through the mud, made up wild stories that she feared for her life... So, to get rid of this psycho, she got 50-million dollars in her divorce settlement two years ago. And now-- she broke! 50. Million. Dollars. What!?! She claims she gave most of the money away and invested in real estate for her daughter's future. Riiight. You're not that generous or smart. I think she blew it on custom-made brooms for her to ride on. Stupid bitch.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Positive vibes for a more positive you...

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Legal

HAPPY 18TH, TAYLOR!

Come to momma for your spankin'... ha ha!

xoxo,

RiRi

Panic at the Disco... kinda

The band "The Vibrators" NOT performing at a Spanish disco... but the Energizer Bunny kind sure did!

Woo hoo!

The first 400 girls at the door who paid the cover got a night of good vibrations!

Except promoters there call vibes "consolers." Guess that's accurate. Reason #95 why a vibe is better than a guy: You get what you want then you can shove it back in a drawer. Try that with a guy, and it's called 'abuse.' Whatever...

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes you need a little mental motivation...

"Beware of the thoughts you keep, because everything in reality manifests from the mind."

-- Justin Palmer

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: Sunday, February 7th Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Britney Spears

Offense: Eye assaulter

Usually, when one has a special event to attend where everyone is watching-- you try to put your best foot forward. Not our girl Brit Brit, y'all! She must've gotten Hollywood and Fredricks of Hollywood confused, cuz she chose to wear some bizarro net over a black body suit to the Grammys. I'm sure that's high-brow for the trailer park, but not so much for the bright lights of the big city! Perhaps she was leaving a video shoot with the Gorton's Fisherman where a big 'fish' gets caught in her net!

2. The Cyrus Family

Offense: Pimps

9-year-old Noah Cyrus, younger sister of Miley, is coming out with a clothing line of her own! That's all cool, except her designs are completely trampy! Lace and fishnets and hooker boots and bodysuits-- oh, my! For tweens!!! Pimping out your children for profit is repulsive. Obviously, there's no thought process as to what message you're putting out there. It's not cool that you're throwing more fuel on some pedophile's fire! Unbelievable! While you're counting your pile of money, don't be surprised when your little girl becomes a pregnant crack ho!

1. John Edwards

Offense: Mouth-breathing half-wit

It was bad enough you couldn't keep Lil' Johnnie in your pants, but to be a liar, thief and alleged woman-beater is just reprehensible. Beating you cancer-striken wife Elizabeth because she had enough of your being a dog? Please. I'm surprised the man club hasn't asked for your fun marbles back because you don't deserve to be a man or a human or even the ooze from a scabby sore! Let's boot this inhumane piece of trash off the planet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

NOAH MILLS

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

Model-turned-actor featured in the upcoming "SATC" sequel... "Samantha's" new conquest.

Fantastic! Lucky bitch.

Drooling,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

Dad gave me a scare the other day. He's been retired for almost a year, and I've been concerned the nearly-sedentary life he's now leading has taken its toll. This is a dude that used to work 12-hour days, six days a week for the love of God!

=====================

Dad: You know, this time of year it's hard on me. It's so cold, I don't want to go anywhere and I'm trapped inside. The sun hardly shines. It sucks ass.

Me: Dad-- I'll take you out. Where do you want to go?

Dad: No, I'll be fine by March. Then it'll be April.

Me: A lot of people have S.A.D.

Dad: Oh, no. Forget about that. I'll be happy because the Gay Games will be in town!

Me: Is there something you need to tell me?

===============

Dad proceeds to tell me that he's not gay (mom will be relieved!) but wants to help out at the Gay Games. He's going to support the athletes shouting out phrases like "You ain't got no junk in the front. It's all in the trunk." And this doozy: "Want a sucker, Tom Tucker?"

And here I thought Dad was depressed or something.

He also has some marketing ideas for the Gay Games. He intends on buying 50 pair of panties and selling them as souveniers, with the added-value selling point of "the stains are free." Niiice.

Wrong. Very. Wrong.

Then I informed Dad that the Gay Games aren't coming until 2014.

Sigh.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A little boost to that tender spot between your ears....

"How we think shows through in how we act. Attitudes are mirrors of the mind. They reflect thinking."

-- David Schwartz

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 31, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Holywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Linda Hogan

Offense: Airhead

The former Mrs. Hulk is going to wreak the ultimate revenge and write a scathing tell-all about her ex-hubby because he wrote one and talked trashed about her! Why don't the two of you take it to the playground, because I doubt you'll outgrow such a juvenile mentality. It's obvious she got "memoir" and "mammory" confused because the only thing she could possibly be fluent in is her enchanced chesticle area.

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Icky

This man-tramp is making-out with any female that can say "Ahhhh." He was spotted doin' his thang with some chick that plays violin. They were all touchy-feely in some alley by a dumpster. That's awesome! NOT! I guess tongue hockey could be your Plan B when the acting thing dries-up. Gross. I hope I can slap the STD right outta ya!

1. Andy Dick

Offense: Repulsive waste of DNA

It's not cool or funny when you grab guys in the junk and try to kiss them when they're not into you. You make fools look like Prince Charmings! Stop. Being. An. Idiot. I'd wish you a horrible time in prison, but I think you might like it! Piece of advice: just 'cuz your last name is Dick, doesn't mean you should act like one!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi