Mental Massage

A jolt of positivity....

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime, you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything."

-- Mary Hemingway

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Feel the positivity...

"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."

--Voltaire

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Delusional

We all have "The List" in the event that some Hollywood hottie would actually want to say "Hi" to us. It's fun. It's a game. With this mini-Buddha, it's for real. On his "hit list" is Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port. Puh-leez. Lindsay, sure. But the other two? Good luck. Now we have proof positive that you are indeed insane. There is no way I'd even let you touch my cookies. None. Nada. Never. Even if you paid me. Keep your egg roll to yourself!

2. Kathie Lee Gifford

Offense: Humorless

Poor woman is all upset because Kristen Wiig did a sketch making fun of her on SNL. Boo hoo. Stop taking yourself so seriously and be grateful that someone remembers who you are! On top of being angry, Kathie Waaa is threatening to sue. Come on. We should sue you for that awful Carnival Cruise song you did last century. Don't you have some bridge to go hide under, you troll?

1. Speidi-- that's Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Offense: Too numerous to list

The lovable Al Roker and these two ninnies got into an argument on-air a while back. Basically, Al called them out on all their bullshit. They took offense, because they have Jesus on their side. Spencer took to his Twitter account to slander Al, saying he was old, fat and the most offensive-- abusive to women. Spencer, you're not funny. Not in the slighest. And seriously, don't hide behind God. By the by, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you. In Exodus 10:15: "God looked down from the mountain and told Spencer to STFU!" Amen.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Disgraceful

This is just wrong.

Is nothing sacred anymore? What lowlife piece of trailer trash desecrates Big Boy!?! Wait, I just answered that...

My beloved boy with the big, blue eyes, jet black hair and squeezability has been transformed into a hill-squatin' (I really don't know what that means, but it sounds bad) mascot! NOOOOO!

Some of my best childhood memories involved Dad grabbin' a sack of Big Boy burgers on the Fridays when he and Mom had a little extra cash. We would drive our "new" beater car to the local airport and watch the planes land. Yummy, juicy double-stacked burgers with special sauce... and fries. Ah, those were the days.

And now, the poor boy has obvious pit and crotch issues, might like dick, and has a Hitler mustache.

I'm praying to the Gods of All Things Good that Big Boy had the last laugh and crushed his stank-breath violators with the burger that's supposed to be in his raised hand! But I'm afraid that some redneck is using the burger as a coffee table, or even worse, as his part of his love nest. Vurp.

By the by, my friend snapped this photo on the way to a sales call. I guess the folks out in the country have nothing better to do than pull some cow teets and desecrate a part of Americana!

I'm okay now... deep, cleansing breath.....

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A jolt a positivity for your brain...

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

-- Jimmy Dean

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Lack of tact

She's got a pretty popular song with "Party in the USA." Instead of being grateful, she says she didn't think it was gonna be popular and doesn't really listen to Jay-Z music. Because simply saying that she was happy the song is doing well and leaving it at that would be too obvious. Perhaps she's suffering from some type of disease which explains her lack of class: like, Footinmouthitis, Dumbhillbillycus, or Whoreusinthemaking.

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Unbelievable B.S. Spewer

Rihanna bravely shared the details of the horrific incident between her and Chris because she realizes how many young girls look up to her. Meanwhile, Chris needs to fire his PR person, because he should never have responded to Rihanna's interview. He felt the details should "remain a private matter." You know, that's exactly what an abuser says! Let's not talk about it, so it'll go away. Like it never happened. It did happen. And while he says he accepts responsibility, the eyes don't lie. I don't know what else to say. But this does come to mind-- you're a repulsive maggot!

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: King of Planet Stupid

Didn't take long for this waste of space to ask Michael's estate for a monthly allowance-- to the tune of $15,000. What do you need a monthly allowance for, Crypt Keeper? For more belts to whip small children with? For booze to ply Al Sharpton with so you can get him between the sheets? For that pimpin' wardrobe that went out of style with "Starsky and Hutch?" And if that weren't bad enough, you look like a fossilized Mr. Potato Head!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Suck it. Please.

A radio friend of mine does a bit where she goes-off on stupid stuff. Because let's face it-- when you have some intelligence, being surrounded by bottom-feeders and inbreds can be quite aggravating. Some people take exception to brutal honesty. Case in point: an irrate emailing listener.
==============
Dear Gina:

This morning while taking my children to school, you were doing your usual dish. TONE IT DOWN!

As you're screaming "You SUCK!" about someone, I'm thinking, "No, Gina, YOU SUCK" if that's all the better language choice you have in your vocabulary.

It went on and on and I had to turn the radio off.

Respectfully,

Deborah F
=============

Gina's response:

Dear Deborah: (I assume the "F" stands for "fuckhead?"-- see my vocabulary is QUITE expansive-- ooh, that's a three-syllable word! Bonus Scrabble!)

I'm truly sorry you were offended by my extremely popular bit, which I've done EVERY DAY at the same time for TWO YEARS. Somebody had a dick in their ear again!

And thanks for saying I suck. I do suck. Well. At least that's what your husband said last night.

Respectfully,
Gina Foxx

P.S. God bless.
=============

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Simply beautiful words of encouragement...

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast-- you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

--Eddie Cantor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 8, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. A-Rod

Offense: Over-inflated sense of self

According to sources, Kate Hudson is trying to get A-Rod to evolve into a less-egotistical human. Cuz, he's having a hard time with that. Apparently, this self-lover has two painted portraits in his home of himself as a centaur-- the mythical, legendary half-man/half-horse. Weird! Wouldn't it be more appropriate to have a painting of a half-man/half-donkey known as an A-Rass? Seriously.

2. Kevin Spacey

Offense: Rude and Nasty

I love you, Kevin Spacey, but I cannot overlook this. A waiter was fired from his job becasue he upset Kevin and his dinner party by asking them not to smoke. Because it's illegal. Apparently, Kevin believes it's his world and we're just living in it. He completely cussed-out the poor waiter and told him to "get the fuck away from my table!" Perhaps since Kevin lives in England some of the time he left his manners there. Maybe we need to speak your language. Straighten up or prepare for some fish and chips to be bum-rushed into your pseudo-limey backside!

1. Andre Agassi's Dad

Offense: Worse than a sister-lovin' hillbilly

In his autobiography, Andre says his dad gave him speed before some tournaments so he could win. Unacceptable. Sorry, Mr. Loser that your life was so unfullfilling you had to ply your son, your flesh and blood, with drugs so he-- and you-- could be a champion. You need your sack ripped off and placed in a clear box around your neck so the world will know that you're not worthy of your own manjuice. Because, quite simply, you're an incompetent non-human. And did I mention-- you suck!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Got hurl?

Just like Syrup of Ipecac or sticking your finger down your throat, this will make you hurl.

That's all I got.

xoxo,
RiRi

Making dumb look smart...

Wow. Just... Wow. And she told the cops she'd been "drinking all night long."

Guess she was working under the premise: "Honesty is the best policy." Too bad she got into the car in the first place, because she could've easily killed someone. Will she get in trouble for talking on a cell phone while driving? Could she have started a trend where people just start confessing stuff?

911: "What's your emergency?"
Dolt: "Someone just robbed the bank."
911: "Did you get a look at the suspect?"
Dolt: "He looks a lot like me."
911: "Like you?"
Dolt: "Actually, it's me."
911: "You robbed the bank."
Dolt: "Yeah."

Think how much easier crime solving will be...

xoxo,
RiRi

Oooh, That Smell

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that older ladies MUST wear obnoxious/toxic floral perfume?

I have nothing against flowers. Love them! But when the one-stall ladies room smells like an orgy of flowers-- not so cool. Does menapause cause the olfactory sense to shut down? Did you smell like this 30-years ago? If so, how did you ever get laid? Sweatin' up the sheets with you would be like boppin' Pigpen-- only with stanky-ass perfume!

Putrid. When I open the bathroom door, it's like that green funk that killed Egypt's firstborn in the Ten Commandments.

By the way, you're not hiding a damn thing. It just smells like a rose-covered turd. Gag. Because of you, over-perfumed-toilet-violatin-coworker, my kidneys are floating because I have to walk to the hotel a block over to tinkle. No way am I gonna get pinned with your shit-- literally.

Less is more, ho-bag.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Let's fill that brain place with some positivity....

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Wishing is not enough; we must do."

--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Delusional

"Dad of The Year" is making the talk show circuit in his quest to save his poor daughter Lindsay from a life of peril and dismay. Claiming he "hates to speak out publicly," Michael made an emotional plea-- on TV-- saying he'd do anything to save her life. Please. I doubt you really want to help your daughter, because there would be no more publicity! How 'bout you shut your trap and actually try to be more intelligent than your shoe! Right now, you're not a dad. You're a just a sperm donor.

2. Levi Johnston

Offense: Speaking

This Einstein says he's gonna spill all the beans about Sarah Palin cuz she started it first. "It came out that Sarah didn't like me, and nobody in the family liked me. So there." Wow. Well-spoken. I'm sure you're "this close" to some kind of scientific breakthrough with all that brain activity going on. NOT! For the love of all things sacred, tell your secrets to a newspaper reporter so we never have to hear your caveman voice again. Piece of advice-- stick to what you're good at. Like taking off your clothes and keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

1. Richard Heene

Offense: The Ultimate Dickbag

Some people should never reproduce. And Richard Heene is a prime example. He's used his children as props and pawns and actors since birth. Literally. Video is floating about out there of Richard, 10-years ago, trying to shove a cigar into the mouth of his then-infant son. Oh, and the baby is holding an empty beer bottle. This is never cute or funny. It's sad and riddiculous. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, douchesniffer. Bubba's waiting for you behind bars with his own ideas on how to iniate you into his world of reality!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi