Celebrity Slap: October 11, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Down dirty dawg

Some young hoochie momma claims Beyonce's daddy fathered her unborn child. Oops! Bet your wife of 23 years is soooo pleased to know you've been dippin' and slippin' where you shouldn't be. How ironic that you're gonna be livin' some Destiny's Child/Beyonce tunes real soon-- like "Bills, Bills, Bills;" "Ring The Alarm;" and "Beautiful Liar." You're old enough to know better, Matthew! Wrap. It. Up.

2. LeAnn Rimes

Offense: Psycho

Not only is LeAnn a man stealer, but she's apparently a spiteful stalker. Eddie Cibrian's ex says LeAnn is 'space invading' her by moving in the same 'hood as her, which is near her son's school! What are you gonna do next? Break into her house and sniff her panties? Creepy! Now that you've won the ween, perhaps you can concentrate on your singing career. I think a cover of Patsy Cline's "Crazy" is a perfect fit.

1. Lamar Odom

Offense: Manic

Guess it's not only chicks that have marriage on the brain. Lamar was dating actress Taraji Henson. He was so in love with her, he proposed. She freaked because she thought it was too soon. One week later, Lamar met Khloe K. and now they're blissfully pseudo-wed. If you wanted a kindred spirit to wed, you should've snagged Jennifer Love Hewitt. Girl's dying to be a missus. Lamar, thy name is desperation. And it stank like Heidi Fleiss' neither regions.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

"The Little Merman"

Ladies and Gentlemen: allow me to introduce you to KEVIN L. MILLER.

Also known as, "The Little Merman."

By Jeremy P. Kelley
Staff Writer Updated 4:05 PM Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Sugarcreek Twp. man pleaded not guilty Tuesday, June 9, to five counts of public indecency and three counts of menacing, all misdemeanors, after police say he harassed several people over the span of a week while wearing a women’s swimsuit.

Kevin L. Miller, 41, of Washington Mill Road, remains in the Greene County Jail after Judge Michael Murry set bond at $10,000. Miller was arraigned in Xenia Municipal Court via video conference Tuesday morning.

Murry told Miller that if he posts bond, he must immediately report to the probation office for pretrial monitoring. If he does not post bond, a pretrial hearing is expected within two weeks.

Xenia Prosecutor Ron Lewis said Miller was charged with menacing because he chased people in a few of the incidents. Lewis said in one case, Miller swam into the Little Miami River chasing after two women who were canoeing, and in another case Miller chased two juveniles who were coming back from an ice cream shop.

Lewis said the public indecency charges came because Miller partially exposed himself to some people while wearing the women’s swimsuit. Lewis said Miller has a 2008 conviction for disorderly conduct that had nothing to do with the current situation. Sugarcreek Police Sgt. Mark White said Miller has lived on Washington Mill for about three years, and the disorderly conduct case was the police department’s only previous contact with him.

Most of the incidents that resulted in the current charges occurred June 2 and June 3, although Miller was seen in a swimsuit multiple times over the past week along Washington Mill Road and the adjacent Little Miami River. Miller was arrested Monday evening in a green, one-piece swimsuit.

“He said he just wanted to harass people to get a response because, to him, it was the thing to do,” White said. “ But we don’t believe he was being honest about his motives.”

Lewis said two victims picked Miller out of a photo lineup, and White said police found a tent on Miller’s Washington Mill property that contained numerous swimsuits. White reiterated that Miller did not physically harm anyone.

“But we still have to treat this seriously,” he said. “We’re very happy we got him off the street before anything serious happened.”

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Some thoughts:

1. Green is NOT your color.

2. Nice rack. I'd be slightly jealous if you didn't totally FREAK ME OUT, SICKO!

3. I believe someone's gotten a Brazilian!

4. You might want to do a spray tan. Two-tone skin coloring-- not so zexy.

5. Were you mistakenly auditioning for Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video?

xoxo,

RiRi