Celebrity Slap: April 25, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Booze hound

I think you totally rock, but... the excessive boozing is NOT cool. You've gotten into fights, defended Brooke Shields' honor, knocked over a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby-- and now-- taking your shirt off at a strip club. Keep this up, and Jack Bauer is gonna have moobs and a beer gut as his not-so-secret weapons. Ick.

2. Shaq

Offense: Shameless

Really? Having your 6-year-old make a death threat to your ex-wife's boyfriend? Completely unacceptable. I love ya, man, but you can't involve your kids in your bullshit. Plus, you're Shaq Fu! Aren't you man enough to make your own threats? Or is that a skirt I see hangin' in your locker?

1. Steven Seagal

Offense: Repulsive

With all the disgusting revelations coming out, it gives a whole new meaning to your movie "Fire Down Below." Anywho... I know you're from Michigan and all, but can't you run better game? Fondling a woman's breasts and saying you're "checking for lumps" would be like us grabbing your crotchal area saying we're looking for some marbles. And making women take off your shoes? Gross. You're just as greasy as your ponytail, LawDouche. A 5-day-old bologna sandwich with mouldy feta cheese and pickle juice is more appealing than you. Of course, it probably smells as bad as your feet....

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April *something* Edition

(Better late than never... recovering from Reese's PB Egg OD)

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Will Smith

Offense: Out of touch

I completely understand wanting artistic control over a project. But then there's you. Causing all kinds of problems on the set of YOUR TV SHOW "Hawthorne"... which stars your wife and you produce. Holding up production with demands for massive rewrites... making people unhappy. I hope DJ Jazzy Jeff is sticking pins in your voodoo doll right now!

2. Donald Trump

Offense: Out of line

The Donald running his mouth-- all up-in-arms that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to TV. He called her a 'loser' and a 'failure.' Wow. He just won't let their feud die. I think it's: A. A bromance in the making or B. Deep-seeded self-hate. Upon further examination, Rosie is kind of the male version of The Donald-- only with a bigger 'package' and better hair!

1. Ryan Seacrest

Offense: Out of bounds

Oh, Ryan. A probing journalist you're not. So stop pretending to be one. In one of the most awkward moments on Idol, Ryan kept badgering Didi Benami to confess why she got so emotional during the song she sang. She kept refusing to answer. More refusing. And Ryan kept asking. Idiot. That'd be like us asking over and over when you're gonna pull a Ricky Martin and just jump out of that closet! (We know it's gonna happen one day, and that's okay.) I hope a bird poops on your perfectly coiffed hair!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelor Jake

Offense: Douchebag

Though he's proposed to Vienna, Jake still thinks he can rehab the world with his ween. Every chance he gets, he hits on another woman-- cuz he's THAT special. Gag. Yes, you're a hottie. We get it. But that doesn't mean all females are soooo overcome by your man-ness that we immediately flop down with our legs up in the air. Get over yourself!

2. Rielle Hunter

Offense: Ignorant ho

Nothing flames me more than when a mistress claims she has compassion for the wife. Really? Then how 'bout you keep a low profile and shut your trap! That would be refreshing! Rielle feels sorry for Elizabeth's pain, but then goes on to say her love for "Johnny" Edwards is forever. Blah, blah, blah. She thinks we don't know the real Rielle-- a shallow, fame-seeking, skankasoraus!

1. Jesse James

Offense: Fool

Men are dogs. Haven't we covered this already? But there's this thing called responsibility and self-control.... and keeping your word. What's even more sickening is that Sandra went on TV and praised you for always "having her back." No wonder you were crying during her acceptance speech-- you knew your ass was grass! Shame. On. You. Your wife goes off to make some money while you're riding some trampola like a hippity-hop!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Sean Penn

Offense: Disgrace to men

He was thrown out of the Governor's Ball after the Oscars for allegedly punching one of "The Hurt Locker" producers for dating his ex-wife, Robin Wright. Heaven forbid she move on from your hot-headed, immature, sorry, fooltastic self! You're the one who waffled back and forth between getting divorced, then calling it off like some wishy-washy schoolgirl. Stick to acting. because behaving like a gentleman is something you're incapable of!

2. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Delusional

This wack-job is suing E*Trade for one-hundred million dollars for their "Milkaholic" commercial because they named one of the babies Lindsay-- which clearly means they meant "Lohan." She says she's a single-name phenonmenon like Madonna and Oprah and she's hurt at the implication that she has loose morals. What mother-fucking-bizarro world did we wake up in!?!? Had the baby been named "Ho" or "Insane" or "Bipolar" then we would've known for sure it was you. Stop giving crazy people a bad rap!

1. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Egomaniacal waste of space

She says she and her BF Liam Hemsworth are "deeper than normal people." She says they think and feel deeper than you and I do. Because truly deep people need to let everyone else know how great they are! The only deep thing about you is the shit you're shovelling... and your daddy's mullet. That's pretty deep. I bet you can't even spell "deep," you mouth-breathing, hillbilly, no-talent twit!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Janice Dickinson

Offense: Self-absorbed

This so-called "World's First-Ever Supermodel" wants her own reality TV show so she can find some young stud to 'wait on her hand and foot.' In reality, it'd be more like some dude wiping her ass and feeding her oatmeal since she's the sister of Father Time! Beware, studs-- her crotchal area is probably like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go there, you'll be lost forever!

2. Cameron Douglas

Offense: Whiny biotch

He says he's not to blame for his drugging and trouble-making because he was born to Michael Douglas--a wealthy and famous man-- and therefore, his life was too difficult. (cue dramatic music) He was hurt in a variety of ways: "So don't blame me. I didn't ask to be born." WAAAAHHHH! By the way, we're equally sorry you were born-- cuz we have to pay for your cry-baby ass while you're in prison ... and, you're breathing our good air! You've been evicted to Stupid Planet!

1. The Nation of China

Offense: Antiquated

These fools adore Tiger Woods because they say the true sign of a man's success is how many mistresses he has. Please. It shows how stupid a man is because he's gonna have to pay for them all one way or another. No wonder y'all are so good at math-- you need to keep track of all your tramps! Don't mind if I Kung Pao you in the collective junk!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ryan Phillippe

Offense: Dirty Cheater

He cheated on ex-wife Reese Witherspoon and now on Abbie Cornish-- his former mistress by the way. That makes my head hurt. Anywho... Sorry, Abbie. You know the saying: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." I really don't know who'd be interested in this below-average actor, cuz he ain't "all that." He looks like the offspring of Bozo the Clown and Carrot Top.

2. ESPN's Tony Kornheiser

Offense: Lacking tact

Dude went-off on air about fellow anchor Hannah Storm's outfit. He thought her shirt was too tight, saying it looked like she had sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I love how the fashion backward feel qualified to vilify. Face it. You're just jealous because her 'sausage' is bigger than yours.

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Clueless fool

Tiger can't understand why Elin doesn't want to take a family photo with him. She's probably afraid she's gonna get some kind of skank rabies from you! It may be hard to hear or believe, but you can't snap your fingers and have your world return to normal. The only thing you CAN get when you snap your fingers is some tramp's legs flying open.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Simon Monjack

Offense: Shady

Brittany Murphy's devastated widower thought he would honor his departed wife with a charity established in her name. Minor detail-- you need to file the appropriate paperwork to really make it a charity. Otherwise, it looks like you're taking advantage of people. You wouldn't do that, would you? Nothing like turning grief into opportunity. Your last name should be Monjackal.

2. Jillian Michaels

Offense: Scam artist

I dig that you're a bad-ass and you yell at people and make 'em hurt... it's kinda hot.... But I'm starting to get suspicious that you're not "all that" considering three lawsuits filed against you in two weeks. Don't you do a little research to make sure that the ingredients in your fat burning pills are acutally safe? I guess turning a fast buck on the plump booties of America is all that really matters. I'm praying to the gods that one day you wake up and your ass is bigger than your head-- if that's possible!

1. Heather Mills

Offense: Pathetic

She dragged Sir Paul through the mud, made up wild stories that she feared for her life... So, to get rid of this psycho, she got 50-million dollars in her divorce settlement two years ago. And now-- she broke! 50. Million. Dollars. What!?! She claims she gave most of the money away and invested in real estate for her daughter's future. Riiight. You're not that generous or smart. I think she blew it on custom-made brooms for her to ride on. Stupid bitch.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: Sunday, February 7th Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Britney Spears

Offense: Eye assaulter

Usually, when one has a special event to attend where everyone is watching-- you try to put your best foot forward. Not our girl Brit Brit, y'all! She must've gotten Hollywood and Fredricks of Hollywood confused, cuz she chose to wear some bizarro net over a black body suit to the Grammys. I'm sure that's high-brow for the trailer park, but not so much for the bright lights of the big city! Perhaps she was leaving a video shoot with the Gorton's Fisherman where a big 'fish' gets caught in her net!

2. The Cyrus Family

Offense: Pimps

9-year-old Noah Cyrus, younger sister of Miley, is coming out with a clothing line of her own! That's all cool, except her designs are completely trampy! Lace and fishnets and hooker boots and bodysuits-- oh, my! For tweens!!! Pimping out your children for profit is repulsive. Obviously, there's no thought process as to what message you're putting out there. It's not cool that you're throwing more fuel on some pedophile's fire! Unbelievable! While you're counting your pile of money, don't be surprised when your little girl becomes a pregnant crack ho!

1. John Edwards

Offense: Mouth-breathing half-wit

It was bad enough you couldn't keep Lil' Johnnie in your pants, but to be a liar, thief and alleged woman-beater is just reprehensible. Beating you cancer-striken wife Elizabeth because she had enough of your being a dog? Please. I'm surprised the man club hasn't asked for your fun marbles back because you don't deserve to be a man or a human or even the ooze from a scabby sore! Let's boot this inhumane piece of trash off the planet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 31, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Holywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Linda Hogan

Offense: Airhead

The former Mrs. Hulk is going to wreak the ultimate revenge and write a scathing tell-all about her ex-hubby because he wrote one and talked trashed about her! Why don't the two of you take it to the playground, because I doubt you'll outgrow such a juvenile mentality. It's obvious she got "memoir" and "mammory" confused because the only thing she could possibly be fluent in is her enchanced chesticle area.

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Icky

This man-tramp is making-out with any female that can say "Ahhhh." He was spotted doin' his thang with some chick that plays violin. They were all touchy-feely in some alley by a dumpster. That's awesome! NOT! I guess tongue hockey could be your Plan B when the acting thing dries-up. Gross. I hope I can slap the STD right outta ya!

1. Andy Dick

Offense: Repulsive waste of DNA

It's not cool or funny when you grab guys in the junk and try to kiss them when they're not into you. You make fools look like Prince Charmings! Stop. Being. An. Idiot. I'd wish you a horrible time in prison, but I think you might like it! Piece of advice: just 'cuz your last name is Dick, doesn't mean you should act like one!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 24, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. New York Governor David Patterson

Offense: Womanizer

He and his wife admitted to a little O.P.P. action in the past. But I guess some things you just can't quit. He was spotted having dinner with a "leggy Latina in her 20s." And sources say they were quite cozy-- with the sight-challenged gov nibbling on her neck. I'm sure it was innocent. Maybe he thought her neck was a stalk of celery... or a straw... or an ice cream cone.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Loser

Poor, pathetic ween has to suckle off the teet of his young, equally losertastic girlfriend because he can't affort a pack of gum. I bet right about now you'd KILL to have Kate belittling your manhood and laughing at your hair plugs-- cuz that meant you had a home and some money! But as they say, Karma is a biotch, and apparently in your case-- she's on the rag. I'm sure you'll get a job... someday. Repeat after me: "Would you like to biggie-size that?" Could you say that with a little more feeling? Doh!

1. Wyclef Jean

Offense: Fool

He looked like such a stand-up guy immediately pleading to the public to help Haiti. He seemed so honorable... until it came out that he's been dipping into hs own charity for his own purposes. Cuz the thought of spending your own money for recording time and video production seemed far-fetched. I guess he took the phrase "charity starts at home" to heart. Toolbag. God's watching. And I have a feeling a smoting is coming your way. Douche.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tom Cruise

Offense: Enabler

There's been murmurings floating in cyber space that little Suri can be a touch bratty. Maybe it's because she gets everything she wants-- and more. Like a custom-made, $30 thousand mini-Indy car! Suri supposedly is 'mesmerized' by racing. Right, Cole Trickle... I'm sure this isn't Daddy's obsession spilling over onto his offspring. And even better-- if Suri really stays with the racing thing, he's gonna build a track in the backyard! Why hasn't the mother ship called you back home yet?

2. Sharon Stone

Offense: Talkie too much

She really knows how to pay a compliment. When asked why she thinks Meryl Streep works so much, Sharon said: "Because she looks like a woman we can all relate to." Nicely said! But... Sharon didn't stop there. She proceeded to say that Meryl "looks like an unmade bed." Ugh. You should've stopped while you were ahead. By the way, don't you have to flash your crotch somewhere?

1. Mel Gibson

Offense: Talking

Mel would surely know what it's like to be Tiger Woods. Under all that scrutiny for being a lowdown-dirty-gum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-DOG. Mel feels sorry for Tiger. Boo-fucking-hoo. There are better things to talk about... WAAAAH. We know. But when you can't keep it in your pants and you have to mark your territory like a wild animal across the country, you kinda got it comin' to you. Are you okay with that, Sugar Sack?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 10, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Hurl inducing

Dude's got a Tony Award nomination, but he can't quit the realty TV game. He's dating socialite Tinsley Mortimer for her upcoming CW reality show "Empire State." He might as well just go work for that male brothel in Nevada... By the by, that's not love she's feeling. It's nausea-- like when you eat bad coleslaw.

2. Katie Holmes

Offense: Bordering on lunacy

This fool wants to get a tattoo to show her devotion to her hubby, Tom. She got the bright idea from her BFF Posh Spice, who honored The Becks with one. First of all, way to be a follower! Secondly, even Tom (who's a little nutty himself) thinks it's a bad idea. Whatcha gonna get inked? "Ur the jumper to my couch" or perhaps "Nanu Nanu." That's special.

1. Mariah Carey

Offense: Whack job

She was honored as Breakout Actress at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and ruined it all by giving a drunkass acceptance speech. Drinking and talking NOT her strong suit. Being a pampered, obnoxious princess who looks like a stuffed sausage, IS. Please, go away!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes......... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Opening her mouth

Guess strutting around isn't enough for her. Now, she's gotta commit noise pollution by singing. Yes, she plans on putting out... a single... called "High." Just because you've banged a few rock stars and can play the skin flute doesn't make you musical. Stick to what you do best-- trying to look like a 20-year-old with your fake-bake, barely-there clothing, bad tatts and peroxide hair. If you didn't have the fake boobalas, you'd be extra pathetic... wait.....

2. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Touched by idiocy

Hulk and Linda have been split-up, divorced-- whatever-- for a while. Yet, these two keep acting like brats on the playground. Hulk wants his antique, wooden toilet seat back. He claims Linda stole that and some other stuff from their home. Really? What is so special about a toilet seat? You put your ass on it! Obviously, this is where your brains are stored. Maybe you're letting them out to breathe when you sit. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to get a life!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Cesspool of ick

Last week, you were slapped for not covering your trail. This week, you're just plain gross. 13 women!?!?! With no protection!?!? What's your excuse gonna be? You're mourning your dad still; I'm not happy at home; I'm a sex addict. Blah, blah, blah. No wonder you can't sleep at night-- it's called guilt. Which means there might be a slim chance of hope for you. My mind can't even conceive what kind of karma is gonna come your way. I have a feeling it might be crusty and oozing-- but that's just me. Anywho, you out douchebagged Jon Gosselin, which is really hard to do. Deal with that.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 6, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Bach

Offense: Hypocrite

All those times you ragged your well-deserving ex-hubby David Hasselhoff, it seems you are just as bad. Sure, there's no video of you rolling around on the bathroom floor shirtless and flabby eating a burger. You're way worse than your leather-clad ex, because YOU got behind the wheel of a car. Very not cool. Perhaps you two can get rooms next to each other in rehab and out-whine each other to death. That would make the rest of us happy.

2. The Salahis

Offense: Losers

Do you not have any real friends? Seriously. Expending valuable time and energy crashing events is bizarre, and in your case, against the law! Your entire life is based on fiction. Join a knitting club or play laser tag or something! I bet it's because you have something to hide-- like the two of you are really squirrel-fondlers from the hills of West Virginia!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Caught with pants down, so to speak

Sure, it's a bit disappointing that someone who portrayed an air of class is really an ass. It's actually our fault for forgetting that you're just a man. A man who has a hang-low that dominates every waking moment. And because the previously-mentioned hang-low results in lack of thought, let me remind you-- COVER YOUR TRAIL! Or is that "tail?" No texts. No voicemails. No emails. Duh! You're giving stupid a bad name!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Delusional

We all have "The List" in the event that some Hollywood hottie would actually want to say "Hi" to us. It's fun. It's a game. With this mini-Buddha, it's for real. On his "hit list" is Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port. Puh-leez. Lindsay, sure. But the other two? Good luck. Now we have proof positive that you are indeed insane. There is no way I'd even let you touch my cookies. None. Nada. Never. Even if you paid me. Keep your egg roll to yourself!

2. Kathie Lee Gifford

Offense: Humorless

Poor woman is all upset because Kristen Wiig did a sketch making fun of her on SNL. Boo hoo. Stop taking yourself so seriously and be grateful that someone remembers who you are! On top of being angry, Kathie Waaa is threatening to sue. Come on. We should sue you for that awful Carnival Cruise song you did last century. Don't you have some bridge to go hide under, you troll?

1. Speidi-- that's Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Offense: Too numerous to list

The lovable Al Roker and these two ninnies got into an argument on-air a while back. Basically, Al called them out on all their bullshit. They took offense, because they have Jesus on their side. Spencer took to his Twitter account to slander Al, saying he was old, fat and the most offensive-- abusive to women. Spencer, you're not funny. Not in the slighest. And seriously, don't hide behind God. By the by, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you. In Exodus 10:15: "God looked down from the mountain and told Spencer to STFU!" Amen.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Lack of tact

She's got a pretty popular song with "Party in the USA." Instead of being grateful, she says she didn't think it was gonna be popular and doesn't really listen to Jay-Z music. Because simply saying that she was happy the song is doing well and leaving it at that would be too obvious. Perhaps she's suffering from some type of disease which explains her lack of class: like, Footinmouthitis, Dumbhillbillycus, or Whoreusinthemaking.

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Unbelievable B.S. Spewer

Rihanna bravely shared the details of the horrific incident between her and Chris because she realizes how many young girls look up to her. Meanwhile, Chris needs to fire his PR person, because he should never have responded to Rihanna's interview. He felt the details should "remain a private matter." You know, that's exactly what an abuser says! Let's not talk about it, so it'll go away. Like it never happened. It did happen. And while he says he accepts responsibility, the eyes don't lie. I don't know what else to say. But this does come to mind-- you're a repulsive maggot!

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: King of Planet Stupid

Didn't take long for this waste of space to ask Michael's estate for a monthly allowance-- to the tune of $15,000. What do you need a monthly allowance for, Crypt Keeper? For more belts to whip small children with? For booze to ply Al Sharpton with so you can get him between the sheets? For that pimpin' wardrobe that went out of style with "Starsky and Hutch?" And if that weren't bad enough, you look like a fossilized Mr. Potato Head!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 8, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. A-Rod

Offense: Over-inflated sense of self

According to sources, Kate Hudson is trying to get A-Rod to evolve into a less-egotistical human. Cuz, he's having a hard time with that. Apparently, this self-lover has two painted portraits in his home of himself as a centaur-- the mythical, legendary half-man/half-horse. Weird! Wouldn't it be more appropriate to have a painting of a half-man/half-donkey known as an A-Rass? Seriously.

2. Kevin Spacey

Offense: Rude and Nasty

I love you, Kevin Spacey, but I cannot overlook this. A waiter was fired from his job becasue he upset Kevin and his dinner party by asking them not to smoke. Because it's illegal. Apparently, Kevin believes it's his world and we're just living in it. He completely cussed-out the poor waiter and told him to "get the fuck away from my table!" Perhaps since Kevin lives in England some of the time he left his manners there. Maybe we need to speak your language. Straighten up or prepare for some fish and chips to be bum-rushed into your pseudo-limey backside!

1. Andre Agassi's Dad

Offense: Worse than a sister-lovin' hillbilly

In his autobiography, Andre says his dad gave him speed before some tournaments so he could win. Unacceptable. Sorry, Mr. Loser that your life was so unfullfilling you had to ply your son, your flesh and blood, with drugs so he-- and you-- could be a champion. You need your sack ripped off and placed in a clear box around your neck so the world will know that you're not worthy of your own manjuice. Because, quite simply, you're an incompetent non-human. And did I mention-- you suck!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Delusional

"Dad of The Year" is making the talk show circuit in his quest to save his poor daughter Lindsay from a life of peril and dismay. Claiming he "hates to speak out publicly," Michael made an emotional plea-- on TV-- saying he'd do anything to save her life. Please. I doubt you really want to help your daughter, because there would be no more publicity! How 'bout you shut your trap and actually try to be more intelligent than your shoe! Right now, you're not a dad. You're a just a sperm donor.

2. Levi Johnston

Offense: Speaking

This Einstein says he's gonna spill all the beans about Sarah Palin cuz she started it first. "It came out that Sarah didn't like me, and nobody in the family liked me. So there." Wow. Well-spoken. I'm sure you're "this close" to some kind of scientific breakthrough with all that brain activity going on. NOT! For the love of all things sacred, tell your secrets to a newspaper reporter so we never have to hear your caveman voice again. Piece of advice-- stick to what you're good at. Like taking off your clothes and keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

1. Richard Heene

Offense: The Ultimate Dickbag

Some people should never reproduce. And Richard Heene is a prime example. He's used his children as props and pawns and actors since birth. Literally. Video is floating about out there of Richard, 10-years ago, trying to shove a cigar into the mouth of his then-infant son. Oh, and the baby is holding an empty beer bottle. This is never cute or funny. It's sad and riddiculous. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, douchesniffer. Bubba's waiting for you behind bars with his own ideas on how to iniate you into his world of reality!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi