Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Delusional

"Dad of The Year" is making the talk show circuit in his quest to save his poor daughter Lindsay from a life of peril and dismay. Claiming he "hates to speak out publicly," Michael made an emotional plea-- on TV-- saying he'd do anything to save her life. Please. I doubt you really want to help your daughter, because there would be no more publicity! How 'bout you shut your trap and actually try to be more intelligent than your shoe! Right now, you're not a dad. You're a just a sperm donor.

2. Levi Johnston

Offense: Speaking

This Einstein says he's gonna spill all the beans about Sarah Palin cuz she started it first. "It came out that Sarah didn't like me, and nobody in the family liked me. So there." Wow. Well-spoken. I'm sure you're "this close" to some kind of scientific breakthrough with all that brain activity going on. NOT! For the love of all things sacred, tell your secrets to a newspaper reporter so we never have to hear your caveman voice again. Piece of advice-- stick to what you're good at. Like taking off your clothes and keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

1. Richard Heene

Offense: The Ultimate Dickbag

Some people should never reproduce. And Richard Heene is a prime example. He's used his children as props and pawns and actors since birth. Literally. Video is floating about out there of Richard, 10-years ago, trying to shove a cigar into the mouth of his then-infant son. Oh, and the baby is holding an empty beer bottle. This is never cute or funny. It's sad and riddiculous. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, douchesniffer. Bubba's waiting for you behind bars with his own ideas on how to iniate you into his world of reality!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 2, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Deadbeat tool

Just when you thought it was safe, this douchemaster rises from his douchi-ness to snag some more face time. He's counselling Jon Gosselin, which is laughable, considering he's behind on his child support payments. To the tune of 12-grand. Here's a concept: Shut. Your. Mouth. And get a damn job! Get two. Take care of your demon seed. This is why more men need vasectomies!

2. Candy Spelling

Offense: Juvenile adult

Instead of trying to talk to her daughter, Tori, one-on-one like humans do, Candy has decided that TMZ is a more appropriate forum to air out her dirty laundry. The only reason we know who you are, woman, is because you threw your legs up in the air for Aaron. You're complaining that you haven't seen your grandkids, yet you think talking to the media is the best way to make that happen? Candy. That's an ironic name, cuz there ain't nothin' sweet about you, you wrinkly-looking squeegie!

1. Tony Romo

Offense: Shameful dog

Granted, I'm no Jessica fan. But no one deserves to be cheated on and lied to. Tony was having an emotional affiar with his newest bimbette and even took her to a Jessica concert! Wrong. Just plain wrong. I hope some hoochie momma wearing a Jessica Simpson-brand stilletto grinds her heel into your sack while beating you upside the head with a Jessica Simpson-brand handbag. Sack to sack, baby! Now that's karma!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi