Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Opening her mouth

Guess strutting around isn't enough for her. Now, she's gotta commit noise pollution by singing. Yes, she plans on putting out... a single... called "High." Just because you've banged a few rock stars and can play the skin flute doesn't make you musical. Stick to what you do best-- trying to look like a 20-year-old with your fake-bake, barely-there clothing, bad tatts and peroxide hair. If you didn't have the fake boobalas, you'd be extra pathetic... wait.....

2. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Touched by idiocy

Hulk and Linda have been split-up, divorced-- whatever-- for a while. Yet, these two keep acting like brats on the playground. Hulk wants his antique, wooden toilet seat back. He claims Linda stole that and some other stuff from their home. Really? What is so special about a toilet seat? You put your ass on it! Obviously, this is where your brains are stored. Maybe you're letting them out to breathe when you sit. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to get a life!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Cesspool of ick

Last week, you were slapped for not covering your trail. This week, you're just plain gross. 13 women!?!?! With no protection!?!? What's your excuse gonna be? You're mourning your dad still; I'm not happy at home; I'm a sex addict. Blah, blah, blah. No wonder you can't sleep at night-- it's called guilt. Which means there might be a slim chance of hope for you. My mind can't even conceive what kind of karma is gonna come your way. I have a feeling it might be crusty and oozing-- but that's just me. Anywho, you out douchebagged Jon Gosselin, which is really hard to do. Deal with that.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 17, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Anna Lynn McCord

Offense: B.O.

The '90210' actress fancies herself above deoderant-- as if she's immune to body odor. Here's some insight, Princess Stank. YOU REEK! You don't earn the nickname "Anna Lynn McStinky" if you smell all sweet and flowery. Duh! Stank will NEVER be "in." Smellin' like stale rye bread and moldy gouda ain't cool. I think I need to invent a full-body douche for people just like you. I smell (no pun intended) money!

2. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Density-- quadrupled

Obviously all the hair dye has penetrated and destroyed what grey matter she had between her ears-- cuz this fool wants to get married again. As in Number 4. As in there's-no-way-you-can-wear-white-this-time-and-get-away-with-it. Puh-leeze. The ween du jour this time arond is a scuba diver. Wah? Does she win a toaster oven or something if she marries again? And what respectable man would want that mess? It's gotta be like a Hazmat spill down "south." I'm sensing a penicilin cake at the reception!

1. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Verbal Diarrhea

This complete idiot said he totally understood where O.J. was coming from when he "didn't" kill his ex-wife and her friend in a fit of blind rage. Uh-huh. Cuz Linda has the house, the car, and the young, fine cub she's mackin' on. Oh, but wait-- Hulkster was taken out of context (despite video evidence otherwise.) Like your faux apology is gonna work. Apprently all those years of (alleged) 'roid usage as shurnk both heads.

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAP!