What up, dawg?

From the beloved four-legged family member:

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Me and my buddies were sniffing around the yard the other day, and we're angry! We are tired of you humans calling cheaters 'dogs.'

How insulting!

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Dogs? They aren't good enough to be us! Dogs are loyal. Once we get our junk fixed, we only occasionally hop on a table leg or my grandma (she's as tall as I am so I think she's a toy.) We're always good to our companions. We obey. We snuggle. We follow. We're always happy to see you, even if you're gone for 2 seconds! And dogs are not "low-down-dirty." I may not be as tall as you, but I'm always clean. Mom gets me groomed (I don't really like it, though.)

So, the next time you want to point out how awful some male human is behaving, call him a cat. Because we all know cats are pussies.

I feel better now...

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Janice Dickinson

Offense: Self-absorbed

This so-called "World's First-Ever Supermodel" wants her own reality TV show so she can find some young stud to 'wait on her hand and foot.' In reality, it'd be more like some dude wiping her ass and feeding her oatmeal since she's the sister of Father Time! Beware, studs-- her crotchal area is probably like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go there, you'll be lost forever!

2. Cameron Douglas

Offense: Whiny biotch

He says he's not to blame for his drugging and trouble-making because he was born to Michael Douglas--a wealthy and famous man-- and therefore, his life was too difficult. (cue dramatic music) He was hurt in a variety of ways: "So don't blame me. I didn't ask to be born." WAAAAHHHH! By the way, we're equally sorry you were born-- cuz we have to pay for your cry-baby ass while you're in prison ... and, you're breathing our good air! You've been evicted to Stupid Planet!

1. The Nation of China

Offense: Antiquated

These fools adore Tiger Woods because they say the true sign of a man's success is how many mistresses he has. Please. It shows how stupid a man is because he's gonna have to pay for them all one way or another. No wonder y'all are so good at math-- you need to keep track of all your tramps! Don't mind if I Kung Pao you in the collective junk!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ryan Phillippe

Offense: Dirty Cheater

He cheated on ex-wife Reese Witherspoon and now on Abbie Cornish-- his former mistress by the way. That makes my head hurt. Anywho... Sorry, Abbie. You know the saying: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." I really don't know who'd be interested in this below-average actor, cuz he ain't "all that." He looks like the offspring of Bozo the Clown and Carrot Top.

2. ESPN's Tony Kornheiser

Offense: Lacking tact

Dude went-off on air about fellow anchor Hannah Storm's outfit. He thought her shirt was too tight, saying it looked like she had sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I love how the fashion backward feel qualified to vilify. Face it. You're just jealous because her 'sausage' is bigger than yours.

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Clueless fool

Tiger can't understand why Elin doesn't want to take a family photo with him. She's probably afraid she's gonna get some kind of skank rabies from you! It may be hard to hear or believe, but you can't snap your fingers and have your world return to normal. The only thing you CAN get when you snap your fingers is some tramp's legs flying open.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tom Cruise

Offense: Enabler

There's been murmurings floating in cyber space that little Suri can be a touch bratty. Maybe it's because she gets everything she wants-- and more. Like a custom-made, $30 thousand mini-Indy car! Suri supposedly is 'mesmerized' by racing. Right, Cole Trickle... I'm sure this isn't Daddy's obsession spilling over onto his offspring. And even better-- if Suri really stays with the racing thing, he's gonna build a track in the backyard! Why hasn't the mother ship called you back home yet?

2. Sharon Stone

Offense: Talkie too much

She really knows how to pay a compliment. When asked why she thinks Meryl Streep works so much, Sharon said: "Because she looks like a woman we can all relate to." Nicely said! But... Sharon didn't stop there. She proceeded to say that Meryl "looks like an unmade bed." Ugh. You should've stopped while you were ahead. By the way, don't you have to flash your crotch somewhere?

1. Mel Gibson

Offense: Talking

Mel would surely know what it's like to be Tiger Woods. Under all that scrutiny for being a lowdown-dirty-gum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-DOG. Mel feels sorry for Tiger. Boo-fucking-hoo. There are better things to talk about... WAAAAH. We know. But when you can't keep it in your pants and you have to mark your territory like a wild animal across the country, you kinda got it comin' to you. Are you okay with that, Sugar Sack?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Anderson

Offense: Opening her mouth

Guess strutting around isn't enough for her. Now, she's gotta commit noise pollution by singing. Yes, she plans on putting out... a single... called "High." Just because you've banged a few rock stars and can play the skin flute doesn't make you musical. Stick to what you do best-- trying to look like a 20-year-old with your fake-bake, barely-there clothing, bad tatts and peroxide hair. If you didn't have the fake boobalas, you'd be extra pathetic... wait.....

2. Hulk Hogan

Offense: Touched by idiocy

Hulk and Linda have been split-up, divorced-- whatever-- for a while. Yet, these two keep acting like brats on the playground. Hulk wants his antique, wooden toilet seat back. He claims Linda stole that and some other stuff from their home. Really? What is so special about a toilet seat? You put your ass on it! Obviously, this is where your brains are stored. Maybe you're letting them out to breathe when you sit. I don't know... What I do know is that you need to get a life!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Cesspool of ick

Last week, you were slapped for not covering your trail. This week, you're just plain gross. 13 women!?!?! With no protection!?!? What's your excuse gonna be? You're mourning your dad still; I'm not happy at home; I'm a sex addict. Blah, blah, blah. No wonder you can't sleep at night-- it's called guilt. Which means there might be a slim chance of hope for you. My mind can't even conceive what kind of karma is gonna come your way. I have a feeling it might be crusty and oozing-- but that's just me. Anywho, you out douchebagged Jon Gosselin, which is really hard to do. Deal with that.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: December 6, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Pamela Bach

Offense: Hypocrite

All those times you ragged your well-deserving ex-hubby David Hasselhoff, it seems you are just as bad. Sure, there's no video of you rolling around on the bathroom floor shirtless and flabby eating a burger. You're way worse than your leather-clad ex, because YOU got behind the wheel of a car. Very not cool. Perhaps you two can get rooms next to each other in rehab and out-whine each other to death. That would make the rest of us happy.

2. The Salahis

Offense: Losers

Do you not have any real friends? Seriously. Expending valuable time and energy crashing events is bizarre, and in your case, against the law! Your entire life is based on fiction. Join a knitting club or play laser tag or something! I bet it's because you have something to hide-- like the two of you are really squirrel-fondlers from the hills of West Virginia!

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Caught with pants down, so to speak

Sure, it's a bit disappointing that someone who portrayed an air of class is really an ass. It's actually our fault for forgetting that you're just a man. A man who has a hang-low that dominates every waking moment. And because the previously-mentioned hang-low results in lack of thought, let me remind you-- COVER YOUR TRAIL! Or is that "tail?" No texts. No voicemails. No emails. Duh! You're giving stupid a bad name!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi