Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Sean Penn

Offense: Disgrace to men

He was thrown out of the Governor's Ball after the Oscars for allegedly punching one of "The Hurt Locker" producers for dating his ex-wife, Robin Wright. Heaven forbid she move on from your hot-headed, immature, sorry, fooltastic self! You're the one who waffled back and forth between getting divorced, then calling it off like some wishy-washy schoolgirl. Stick to acting. because behaving like a gentleman is something you're incapable of!

2. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Delusional

This wack-job is suing E*Trade for one-hundred million dollars for their "Milkaholic" commercial because they named one of the babies Lindsay-- which clearly means they meant "Lohan." She says she's a single-name phenonmenon like Madonna and Oprah and she's hurt at the implication that she has loose morals. What mother-fucking-bizarro world did we wake up in!?!? Had the baby been named "Ho" or "Insane" or "Bipolar" then we would've known for sure it was you. Stop giving crazy people a bad rap!

1. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Egomaniacal waste of space

She says she and her BF Liam Hemsworth are "deeper than normal people." She says they think and feel deeper than you and I do. Because truly deep people need to let everyone else know how great they are! The only deep thing about you is the shit you're shovelling... and your daddy's mullet. That's pretty deep. I bet you can't even spell "deep," you mouth-breathing, hillbilly, no-talent twit!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar Getty

Offense: Pathetic

These two probably deserve each other. She, with her Bermuda Triangle crotch. And he, with his wandering trouser snake. These two have decided to hook-up. Maybe they're working under the premise that two wrongs make a right. Or put two funky people together and they smell like roses. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Getty, when you wake up one morning and junior has left the region.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Tooltastic

Dude turned down an appearance on a radio show because he wanted 12-grand and didn't get it. His P.R. mouth justified the outrageous demand, saying Jon's "fun and witty" and that his mere prescence is worth it. I'm sure he is-- if you live on Planet Nimrod. Otherwise, he's simply a blithering idiot. There's nothing cool or mysterious about him. In fact, here's an ancient Chinese secret about him that's not so secret-- you sucky long time!

1. Heidi Pratt

Offense: Shameless

This fine "Christian" wouldn't attend her sister's birthday party unless she got paid. Really. Cuz Heidi only goes places she's paid to go. Which, in essence, makes her a ho. What would our Heavenly Father say about that? He would say: Thou shalt quit being a biotch and quit being as fake as your boobies, and your personality, and your hair... and-- why the fuck did I create you?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes........ SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 12, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Shauna Sands

Offense: Creepy, gross whore!

Obviously, this "thing" has no standards or morals. It's bad enough to have cheated on your hubby Lorenzo Lamas. But it's something else to be cheating on him with his 18-year-old son! Was it family pass day at Vajay-jay Park or what? I hope you let that thang breathe in between the Lamas Lovin'. Eeeeewwww!

2. Nicole Bobek

Offense: Disgraceful

The former U.S. Figure Skating Champ has taken to a new arena-- selling meth (allegedly.) She was busted this week in a 20-person sting at her second home in Florida. You're wealthy enough to have two homes, yet you had to deal meth? Unreal. Perhaps this was all a misunderstanding. She really was testing out new advertising for Campbell's Soup. "Campbells and Meth. Mmmm, Mmmm. good!"

1. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Stooo-pid

In a one-two punch fitting for our beloved hot mess, Lindsay is accused of stealing a spray tan formula and then marketing it as her own. She also turned down the Heather Graham role in "The Hangover." Ouch! Lindsay: we know you're a thief. You can barely tie your shoes, let alone formulate anything. And secondly, you can't sniff out a good movie role. Rotten "fish," yes. Good movie role, not so much. Please. Stop sitting on your brain. It's gotta hurt.

Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 26, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Pathetic-ness. Yes, I just made up a word.

Everyone can sleep well tonight knowing that Lindsay likes man candy again! I'm sure her ex-lover, Samantha, will be jealous. Samantha-- who's never enjoyed the Oscar Mayer. Samantha-- who's man enough for the both of them. Duh! Way to really turn her green. Cuz I guess dating another woman was too obvious? "Hi, this is Lindsay Lohan for MEN-- the other white meat."

2. John Mayer

Offense: Soon-to-be-disease-ridden-playa

He's spending quality time with some young bimbette who's dumb enough to fawn all over him. Seems like this 'sensitive rocker' got over his heartache very quickly. All that twittering about his broken heart-- blah, blah, bleck! Latest reports indicate that John is gonna build a revolving door on his fly!

1. Slumdog Dad

Offense: Actin' shady

Even though there doesn't seem to be 'evidence' that what's-his-face tried to sell his daughter for 300-grand, doesn't mean he's innocent (think O.J.) He claims the 'offer' was lost in translation. Riiiiight. Cuz being dirt poor and opportunistic is NOT a motivator. May a herd of cows run you over and smack you numerous times across the face with their teets!

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAP!