Celebrity Slap: October 18, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. David Hasselhoff
Offense: Hot Mess
So who's the drunken fool now? Apparently, you, David Mazel Tov. Dude got so drunk at Simon Cowell's 50th birthday bash that he couldn't walk. He had to be hospitalized for two days! I'm sure he was regaling the partygoers with tales from his days a primo piece of Baywatch man candy. Actually, he's more like that piece of Bit O' Honey candy that you begrudingly took from your grandma so you wouldn't hurt her feelings, and you left it in your pocket and it became a molten mess-- like David Hasselhoff!

2. David Letterman
Offense: Reprehensible
You're a man in the entertainment business, and therefore, you're more inclined to be a dog because you can. Not that it's right, but we get it. However, it is completely tasteless to take your mistress on vacay with your wife-to-be and your son. Ick. Gross. Dispicable! How can you look yourself in the mirror? Now we know why you named your company Worldwide Pants. You obviously want to spread your lovin' around Planet Earth. If I were your wife, I'd put my foot between the gap in your front teeth!

1. Billy Ray Cyrus
Offense: Desperate dickbag
Billy Ray's got his tightie whities in a bunch because his little moneymaker Miley has abandoned the Twitter world. Oh, the humanity! He's begged her, via Twitter, to come back because she's "a light in a world of darkness." Gag. Let's be honest. Daddy needs to stockpile a much money as he can, cuz when she turns 18-- game over! Billy Ray gonna be cryin' in his mullet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 27, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

Dishonorable Mention: Paris Hilton. She wants to put out-- a new CD, that is. Please. Don't.

3. John Edwards

Offense: Dispicable Douche

It came out that John promised his tramp, Rielle Hunter, a lovely rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews Band playing. Awww! Just as soon as his wife Elizabeth dies from cancer. Were you born without a soul? Rielle is just a trollop. She can't help it that her natural state of being is with her legs wide open. But you, on the other hand, are a lying, cheating, down-dirty pus-bag with no respect or class. I hope Elizabeth round-house kicks your fun marbles through your nose!

2. Suzanne Somers

Offense: Mouth runneth over

In light of Patrick Swayze's too recent passing, Suzanne says chemo caused his death. Since when did Mizz Saggybreasts become a doctor? Great. You've been able to slow down the aging process with hormones and New Age treatments, but now is not the time to speak. It's too soon. So, kindly go choke on a Thighmaster. Feel that burn, big mouth!

1. David Hasselhoff

Offense: Lying to yourself

Let's be real. It wasn't some weirdo inner ear issue/medication combo that made you appear to be a drunken mess. You ARE a drunken mess. You've been videotaped lying on a bathroom floor, shirtless with your moobs suffocating from your grey chest hair, all while inhaling a greasy cheeseburger. Because sober people do that all the time! We aren't buying it. Get help. Even K.I.T.T. is ashamed of you.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi