Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!
I decided to for once be respectful of a holiday, and took last week off (though Dad would've totally approved of any sort of ass-whoppin.) So, here is your extended list of offenders.
5. Russell Crowe
Offense: Diva bitch-boy
Major dramz on the set of his latest flick "Robin Hood." He's been butting heads with director Ridley Scott. They refuse to talk to each other, causing movie execs to have to mediate. On top of that, Russy wants a private helicopter to fly him to the set every day and he wants the script rewritten so he can get more face time. I think the last thing we need is more face time, gut time and wide-ass time with CrHOwe. He should instead be asking for Photoshop, contouring makeup and a slimming angle for his expanding girth. "Robin Hood, Prince of Cream Sticks" should be the title of his new flick. And by the by-- here's a skirt and a tampon, Gladiator wuss. Get over yourself!
4. Sienna Miller
Offense: Buying your own bullshit
She was quoted in a recent issue of Vogue mag saying: "I've actually never been taken on a date in my whole life. I have never had a one-night stand. I'm a relationship person." Totally true! Why would a dude date you when he can bend you over the hood of his car? Why bother to throw away money on you when you're a "sure thing?" And yes, you are a relationship person. There isn't a swingin' dick within a 50 mile radius that you wouldn't like to relate (or is that fellate) to with, in, on. I'm so sorry you are misunderstood. Now, everyone get ready-- the next expedition of her cavernous vaj begins in t-minus three minutes. Get out your miner's helmet, surgical mask and full-body condom.
3. The Palins
Offense: Douchiness
The First Tw*t of Alaska and her family are very upset that David Letterman made a joke about one of the Palin girls. Something about getting knocked up by A-Rod. They twisted his JOKE and accused him of condoning the rape of a minor. Then, they tried to get him fired. For making a joke. A joke like every other comedian with a platform made. What. The. F*ck. Seriously. Didn't your teenage daughter become familiar with the ween and get herself preggers? Didn't Ms. Governor get preggers and had to get married? Didn't SP service a Big Brown grizzle while a moose sniffed her ass? Oh, wait. That's coming out on video soon. Advice: shut your legs and your mouth. Cuts down on global warming.
2. Katie Lee
Offense: Duh!
Katie Lee is the soon-to-be ex-wifey of Billy Joel. They decided to end their union based on their age difference. Hello? Wasn't there the same age gap when you got married 7 years ago? Did you think the 33-year age difference would shorten-up as each year went along? Katie is all upset because she wants to go out to clubs and Billy wants to fish and stay home. Idiot. And how do you even get turned on by someone who's old enough to be your dad? Really. Are you down with the saggy scrot and hair sprouting from strange places? Or were you hoping to f*ck him into a heartattack, then take his money? Whoops! Didn't work out, did it?
1. Paris Hilton
Offense: Fool
Ms. Shit-for-brains commited the ultimate fashion faux paus the other week. She wore a bikini for a photo shoot for her new show "My New BFF" in Dubai. Bikini. Dubai. Middle East. She literally defines "dumb f*ck." Hilty made this big ol' public speech about how she loved the Middle East and respects its culture, which by the way, is NOT down with the whole showing women's bodies or faces! I would love it if they threw her in jail. That's what a bitch needs-- REAL punishment. Like, cane-your-ass-cut-off-your-hands punishment. Hhhhmmm, the thought of her permanent silence is quite tantalizing.
Get ready. Here. It. Comes. Slaaaaaap!
xoxo,
RiRi
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