Celebrity Slap: October 4, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tawny Kitaen

Offense: Trainwreck

The "hactress" busted again for DUI. It's like the millionth time. What happened, Tawny? You were good in "Bachelor Party." Of course, you weren't in the movie very much. And those smokin' moves in all those Whitesnake videos-- awesome! But now the only thing you're writhing on these days is a case of Jack. Pathetic. You're definitely no sweet kitty. Sourpuss-- for many reasons I'm sure-- you are.

2. Pamela Bach and The Hoff (smackin' him for fun!)

Offense: Pam's a B.S. Artist

Seems I mis-slapped The Hoff last week. He may not have been a drunken mess, this time. Ex-wife Pamela wanted a little revenge and called 911 on him. Three words: Get. Over. It. There are plenty of other tools to stalk. David's got enough going against him: bad botox, an over-inflated sense of self, and hideous man perm. Don't add to it. My head's gonna explode. Just like his pants, which are way too tight for a man his age. Air needs to circulate there!

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dastardly (I went to college, so I know big words and stuff)

Earlier this week, bipolar boy asked the court to hold-off on divorce proceedings for 90 days. We recall you saying how much you 'despise Kate." Now, he's stopped production on the TV show. What's that I'm hearing? That's the sound of your fratboy world crashing around you, mingled in with the laugher of us sane people who think you're a total fool. I've got a perfect new project for you: "Godzilla Versus Sack Scab." Guess who wins?

Get your cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi