Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar Getty

Offense: Pathetic

These two probably deserve each other. She, with her Bermuda Triangle crotch. And he, with his wandering trouser snake. These two have decided to hook-up. Maybe they're working under the premise that two wrongs make a right. Or put two funky people together and they smell like roses. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Getty, when you wake up one morning and junior has left the region.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Tooltastic

Dude turned down an appearance on a radio show because he wanted 12-grand and didn't get it. His P.R. mouth justified the outrageous demand, saying Jon's "fun and witty" and that his mere prescence is worth it. I'm sure he is-- if you live on Planet Nimrod. Otherwise, he's simply a blithering idiot. There's nothing cool or mysterious about him. In fact, here's an ancient Chinese secret about him that's not so secret-- you sucky long time!

1. Heidi Pratt

Offense: Shameless

This fine "Christian" wouldn't attend her sister's birthday party unless she got paid. Really. Cuz Heidi only goes places she's paid to go. Which, in essence, makes her a ho. What would our Heavenly Father say about that? He would say: Thou shalt quit being a biotch and quit being as fake as your boobies, and your personality, and your hair... and-- why the fuck did I create you?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes........ SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi