Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 24, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. New York Governor David Patterson

Offense: Womanizer

He and his wife admitted to a little O.P.P. action in the past. But I guess some things you just can't quit. He was spotted having dinner with a "leggy Latina in her 20s." And sources say they were quite cozy-- with the sight-challenged gov nibbling on her neck. I'm sure it was innocent. Maybe he thought her neck was a stalk of celery... or a straw... or an ice cream cone.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Loser

Poor, pathetic ween has to suckle off the teet of his young, equally losertastic girlfriend because he can't affort a pack of gum. I bet right about now you'd KILL to have Kate belittling your manhood and laughing at your hair plugs-- cuz that meant you had a home and some money! But as they say, Karma is a biotch, and apparently in your case-- she's on the rag. I'm sure you'll get a job... someday. Repeat after me: "Would you like to biggie-size that?" Could you say that with a little more feeling? Doh!

1. Wyclef Jean

Offense: Fool

He looked like such a stand-up guy immediately pleading to the public to help Haiti. He seemed so honorable... until it came out that he's been dipping into hs own charity for his own purposes. Cuz the thought of spending your own money for recording time and video production seemed far-fetched. I guess he took the phrase "charity starts at home" to heart. Toolbag. God's watching. And I have a feeling a smoting is coming your way. Douche.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Delusional

We all have "The List" in the event that some Hollywood hottie would actually want to say "Hi" to us. It's fun. It's a game. With this mini-Buddha, it's for real. On his "hit list" is Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port. Puh-leez. Lindsay, sure. But the other two? Good luck. Now we have proof positive that you are indeed insane. There is no way I'd even let you touch my cookies. None. Nada. Never. Even if you paid me. Keep your egg roll to yourself!

2. Kathie Lee Gifford

Offense: Humorless

Poor woman is all upset because Kristen Wiig did a sketch making fun of her on SNL. Boo hoo. Stop taking yourself so seriously and be grateful that someone remembers who you are! On top of being angry, Kathie Waaa is threatening to sue. Come on. We should sue you for that awful Carnival Cruise song you did last century. Don't you have some bridge to go hide under, you troll?

1. Speidi-- that's Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Offense: Too numerous to list

The lovable Al Roker and these two ninnies got into an argument on-air a while back. Basically, Al called them out on all their bullshit. They took offense, because they have Jesus on their side. Spencer took to his Twitter account to slander Al, saying he was old, fat and the most offensive-- abusive to women. Spencer, you're not funny. Not in the slighest. And seriously, don't hide behind God. By the by, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you. In Exodus 10:15: "God looked down from the mountain and told Spencer to STFU!" Amen.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Got hurl?

Just like Syrup of Ipecac or sticking your finger down your throat, this will make you hurl.

That's all I got.

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 25, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Lindsay Lohan and Balthazar Getty

Offense: Pathetic

These two probably deserve each other. She, with her Bermuda Triangle crotch. And he, with his wandering trouser snake. These two have decided to hook-up. Maybe they're working under the premise that two wrongs make a right. Or put two funky people together and they smell like roses. You only have yourself to blame, Mr. Getty, when you wake up one morning and junior has left the region.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Tooltastic

Dude turned down an appearance on a radio show because he wanted 12-grand and didn't get it. His P.R. mouth justified the outrageous demand, saying Jon's "fun and witty" and that his mere prescence is worth it. I'm sure he is-- if you live on Planet Nimrod. Otherwise, he's simply a blithering idiot. There's nothing cool or mysterious about him. In fact, here's an ancient Chinese secret about him that's not so secret-- you sucky long time!

1. Heidi Pratt

Offense: Shameless

This fine "Christian" wouldn't attend her sister's birthday party unless she got paid. Really. Cuz Heidi only goes places she's paid to go. Which, in essence, makes her a ho. What would our Heavenly Father say about that? He would say: Thou shalt quit being a biotch and quit being as fake as your boobies, and your personality, and your hair... and-- why the fuck did I create you?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes........ SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Dwoink

That's a word my bff's 11-year-old daughter likes to throw around. Guess it's the little kiddie version of "douchebag." No real definition for 'dwoink,' except it can be applied to most mouth-breathing idiots that roam our fair Earth.

Dwoink reminds me of the sound a turd makes when it hits the bottom of the bowl, or in words: Jon Gosselin.

Clearing out $230,000 from a joint bank account is wrong. And it violates an arbitrator's ruling. And it's wrong. I guess he forgot that Happy Meals don't grow off trees in the backyard. Or maybe he thinks his 8 children are old enough to work for money to buy the food and clothes and other things they need. Did I mention this is wrong?

Either this motherfucker is insane or he's just a complete pube. Or perhaps a bit of both. Again, real men of this world, I implore you to ask this cretin to hand his balls back. Kick him out of the club.

Dwoink, indeed.

xoxo,

RiRi

Want some cheese to go with that whine?

This might be the biggest toolbag roaming Planet Earth right now. And trust me, the competition is stiff. This pansy-ass motherf*cker is crying to Us Weekly mag that he "took a lot of abuse" from Kate.

Obviously, not enough. When I watched the show, at first, I did feel sorry for this dolt. Brow beaten all the time by the overbearing Kate. But now I know why-- you're a mouth-breathing, no working, ho-humpin' fool! She abused you?

Check out this quote from the modern day Confucious: "She'll call me, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." What in God's name does that mean? You talk like Beavis and Butthead!

If we give you a skirt, a tampon, some Midol and some chocolate will you STFU?

I'd call you a douche, but a douche has some purpose.

Rant concluded. Don't make me get all Old Testament on you....

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 23, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. The Penns

Offense: Lunatics

Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce... again. On again. Off again. Hot. Cold. Yawn... Make up your minds! Or is this really some kind of freak-a-leak foreplay? Instead of blowing a lot of money and getting your lawyers involved in this weirdo game, just go down to the corner market, get some Boone's Farm, beef jerky and some Twizzlers and have yourselves a sweatin'-up-the-sheets good time until you change your minds AGAIN. Irreconcilable differences? Please. You just can't run from stupid.

2. Jamie Foxx

Offense: Spermtastic

Mr. Ding-a-ling may have a few more children out there than he thought. In fact, the number of spawn is unclear. Sure, Jamie, you may be having a grand ol' time divin' into those cookie jars, but there's this thing called 'child support.' You've heard of it? 18 seconds of vajayjay equals an 18-year pay day. Duh! And you should know better, cuz you did that "Gold Digger" song with Kanye. As the great philosopher Mr. T would say: "Just bag it, Fool!"

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Breathing

His name is two dirty words. Like Douche Bag and Ass Hole. He really thinks he's a playa with the hos and thinks he can get a new TV show. Don't try to subject us to more of your whiny bitchiness just because you already blew your half of the money on your riddiculous Ed Hardy bullshit clothes that look like Barney threw up on. Obviously, previous slaps haven't worked so now it's time to f*ck your shit up. (verbally, of course because I'm really a delicate flower.) I feel bad for you father. He's probably kickin' himself right now, wishing he would've played with Rosie and her five friends instead of yo momma the night God got humorous and created you!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. Slaaaaaaap!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 19, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joe Jackson

Offense: Breathing our good air

For the love of God why won't this man shut up and go away!?! All this fool sees is dollar signs in his eyes, as he had the stupidity to say publicly that Michael's kids have a future in showbiz... even calling them the "Jackson 3." Is he that out of touch? Joe Jackson, the poster child for birth control!

2. Morgan Freeman

Offense: Old perv

I always thought he was a cool dude, but there is something West Virginia-creepy about a 72-year-old wanting to knock boots with his 27-year-old step-grandaughter. I can't imagine what she finds appealing about someone old enough to be her great-grandaddy. Maybe she's really into beef jerky. I don't know. I bet there's some kind of role playing going on, like "Driving Miss Booby" or whatever. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Ick.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Nasty

When I look at Mr. Midlife Crisis, all I can see is an open, festering sore. Moo Goo Guy dumb is supposedly engaged to his tramp. Once the money dries up-- and it will because you have 8 kids-- she'll be taking her vajay-jay buffet to greener pastures. You're a disgrace to your gender. Even your testicles don't want to hang around you any more!

Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: May 3, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Nadya "Octomom" Suleman

Offense: Breathing

Dingbat supreme decided the best way to honor her 14 kids is to get a tattoo. Because getting a job and feeding your kids isn't practical. Riiiight. Her design has something to do with an angel and 14 stars. That's gonna be one saggy galaxy once age really sets in. But it's kinda cool, in a away, because her kids can play tether ball with her 'saggy stuff'... which would kinda be like slapping themselves around. Interesting....

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dumb. Dumber. Idiot!

Dude-- if you're gonna go and get some strange, you need to be a little more discreet. You were caught once partying with some frat hos, so leaving a club at 2 a.m. is waaaay better. NOT! No wonder Kate bitch-slaps you daily and keeps your fun marbles in a jar. You don't know how to use them responisbly! Keep it up, and she might feed 'em to you while she's taking your wallet.

1. William Shatner

Offense: Self-absorbed fool

Yes, you have this cheesy... quirky... persona? You did those cool Priceline commercials where. you. talked. like. this..... and those spoken-word albums weren't so bad. But-- you ain't all THAT. I can't believe the Shat is still upset that he was left out of the new 'Star Trek' movie. Wait-- Shatster turned down an appearance because the role wasn't nearly as big as his ego. Come on! You're the man that played T.J. Hooker! Get a grip!

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAP!