Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 20, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Megan Fox

Offense: Duuuuuhhhhhh

Yes, she's gorgeous. Yes, I'd say "Hi" to her. But for the love of humanity, shut up! We know you're wild. We know you're a freak-a-leak. We get it! Her latest pontifications in Rolling Stone magazine have her confessing that she has a temper and that she's threatened to kill Brian Austin Green before. You know, I'd like to slap you-- but you'd like that. So instead, I bring you a nation that ignores you, cellulite on your thighs, and that "Silence of the Lambs" mask for your face!

2. Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhart

Offense: inconsiderate non-professional

Paris backed-out of several commitments in Germany. If that weren't bad enough, she backed-out because of her pimple, known as Doug Reinhart. He didn't like the fact that one party was going to be held at an erotic table dance club. Seriously? That's your home-away-from home. And Ms. Thang has been known to dance on a table or two. Plus, I heard her momma slid down one of those poles and gave birth to her! Stop acting like you have class, because you don't!

1. Kanye West

Offense: Egomaniac

One Question: "Who the Hell are you?" For real. I don't think anyone has named you the Voice of America. Stealing the spotlight from that sweetie Taylor Swift was about as low as you've gone. All that bravado is nothin' but a front for an insecure, Caddyshack-gopher-face schmuck like you. Your brilliance as an artist is overshadowed by your mouth and brain refusing to co-exist in a harmonious relationship. I hope you're serious when you say you're gonna vanish for a while. By the way, this just in-- Kanye said he don' mean no disrespect to Amelia Earhart or Al Capone, but his disappearin' act is gon' be the best diasppearin' act of all time, boyeeeee."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi