Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joanna Krupa

Offense: Sour grapes

This model/actress/air polluter is talking smack about "Dancing With The Stars" pretty boy Maks. Their spat goes back to that stupid show "The Superstars," where Maks won. Crappa says Maks is too impatient to work with anyone on the show, so she's glad she's not partnered with him. Whatever. We'll see how it all goes down on the show. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Or your foot? Or some duct tape? Anything that will make you zip it!

2. The Jackson Family

Offense: Beyond tacky

Yes. Jacko had some cash flow issues-- like no cash. But for the family to allow the funeral and after party to be taped? Come on. A&E is gonna use the footage and then there's gonna be a DVD. For sale. It's okay to occasionally draw a line and not step over it. Are you listening, Joe Jackson? Cuz we all know you're the one counting the chump change-- you knave!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Raging hormone

Guess when Johnnie's momma always told him to have a 'plan B' he really took it to heart. Well, actually--to his pants. His Plan B is supposedly Kristin Cavallari. Obviously, he's familiar with her "Hills," spending two years exploring the mountains while each of them were between regrets. I swear, his "little friend" is an act of his own. Perhaps John can do this whole new ventriloquist act, or a street corner pee-pee pantomime, or an illusionist-- watch me disappear into any available crotchal canyon...

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 26, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Pathetic-ness. Yes, I just made up a word.

Everyone can sleep well tonight knowing that Lindsay likes man candy again! I'm sure her ex-lover, Samantha, will be jealous. Samantha-- who's never enjoyed the Oscar Mayer. Samantha-- who's man enough for the both of them. Duh! Way to really turn her green. Cuz I guess dating another woman was too obvious? "Hi, this is Lindsay Lohan for MEN-- the other white meat."

2. John Mayer

Offense: Soon-to-be-disease-ridden-playa

He's spending quality time with some young bimbette who's dumb enough to fawn all over him. Seems like this 'sensitive rocker' got over his heartache very quickly. All that twittering about his broken heart-- blah, blah, bleck! Latest reports indicate that John is gonna build a revolving door on his fly!

1. Slumdog Dad

Offense: Actin' shady

Even though there doesn't seem to be 'evidence' that what's-his-face tried to sell his daughter for 300-grand, doesn't mean he's innocent (think O.J.) He claims the 'offer' was lost in translation. Riiiiight. Cuz being dirt poor and opportunistic is NOT a motivator. May a herd of cows run you over and smack you numerous times across the face with their teets!

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAP!