Mental Massage

Simply beautiful words of encouragement...

"Slow down and enjoy life. It's not only the scenery you miss by going too fast-- you also miss the sense of where you are going and why."

--Eddie Cantor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 8, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. A-Rod

Offense: Over-inflated sense of self

According to sources, Kate Hudson is trying to get A-Rod to evolve into a less-egotistical human. Cuz, he's having a hard time with that. Apparently, this self-lover has two painted portraits in his home of himself as a centaur-- the mythical, legendary half-man/half-horse. Weird! Wouldn't it be more appropriate to have a painting of a half-man/half-donkey known as an A-Rass? Seriously.

2. Kevin Spacey

Offense: Rude and Nasty

I love you, Kevin Spacey, but I cannot overlook this. A waiter was fired from his job becasue he upset Kevin and his dinner party by asking them not to smoke. Because it's illegal. Apparently, Kevin believes it's his world and we're just living in it. He completely cussed-out the poor waiter and told him to "get the fuck away from my table!" Perhaps since Kevin lives in England some of the time he left his manners there. Maybe we need to speak your language. Straighten up or prepare for some fish and chips to be bum-rushed into your pseudo-limey backside!

1. Andre Agassi's Dad

Offense: Worse than a sister-lovin' hillbilly

In his autobiography, Andre says his dad gave him speed before some tournaments so he could win. Unacceptable. Sorry, Mr. Loser that your life was so unfullfilling you had to ply your son, your flesh and blood, with drugs so he-- and you-- could be a champion. You need your sack ripped off and placed in a clear box around your neck so the world will know that you're not worthy of your own manjuice. Because, quite simply, you're an incompetent non-human. And did I mention-- you suck!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Got hurl?

Just like Syrup of Ipecac or sticking your finger down your throat, this will make you hurl.

That's all I got.

xoxo,
RiRi

Making dumb look smart...

Wow. Just... Wow. And she told the cops she'd been "drinking all night long."

Guess she was working under the premise: "Honesty is the best policy." Too bad she got into the car in the first place, because she could've easily killed someone. Will she get in trouble for talking on a cell phone while driving? Could she have started a trend where people just start confessing stuff?

911: "What's your emergency?"
Dolt: "Someone just robbed the bank."
911: "Did you get a look at the suspect?"
Dolt: "He looks a lot like me."
911: "Like you?"
Dolt: "Actually, it's me."
911: "You robbed the bank."
Dolt: "Yeah."

Think how much easier crime solving will be...

xoxo,
RiRi

Oooh, That Smell

Is it some kind of unwritten rule that older ladies MUST wear obnoxious/toxic floral perfume?

I have nothing against flowers. Love them! But when the one-stall ladies room smells like an orgy of flowers-- not so cool. Does menapause cause the olfactory sense to shut down? Did you smell like this 30-years ago? If so, how did you ever get laid? Sweatin' up the sheets with you would be like boppin' Pigpen-- only with stanky-ass perfume!

Putrid. When I open the bathroom door, it's like that green funk that killed Egypt's firstborn in the Ten Commandments.

By the way, you're not hiding a damn thing. It just smells like a rose-covered turd. Gag. Because of you, over-perfumed-toilet-violatin-coworker, my kidneys are floating because I have to walk to the hotel a block over to tinkle. No way am I gonna get pinned with your shit-- literally.

Less is more, ho-bag.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Let's fill that brain place with some positivity....

"Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Wishing is not enough; we must do."

--Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 1, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Delusional

"Dad of The Year" is making the talk show circuit in his quest to save his poor daughter Lindsay from a life of peril and dismay. Claiming he "hates to speak out publicly," Michael made an emotional plea-- on TV-- saying he'd do anything to save her life. Please. I doubt you really want to help your daughter, because there would be no more publicity! How 'bout you shut your trap and actually try to be more intelligent than your shoe! Right now, you're not a dad. You're a just a sperm donor.

2. Levi Johnston

Offense: Speaking

This Einstein says he's gonna spill all the beans about Sarah Palin cuz she started it first. "It came out that Sarah didn't like me, and nobody in the family liked me. So there." Wow. Well-spoken. I'm sure you're "this close" to some kind of scientific breakthrough with all that brain activity going on. NOT! For the love of all things sacred, tell your secrets to a newspaper reporter so we never have to hear your caveman voice again. Piece of advice-- stick to what you're good at. Like taking off your clothes and keeping your mouth shut. Thanks.

1. Richard Heene

Offense: The Ultimate Dickbag

Some people should never reproduce. And Richard Heene is a prime example. He's used his children as props and pawns and actors since birth. Literally. Video is floating about out there of Richard, 10-years ago, trying to shove a cigar into the mouth of his then-infant son. Oh, and the baby is holding an empty beer bottle. This is never cute or funny. It's sad and riddiculous. Enjoy your 15 minutes of fame, douchesniffer. Bubba's waiting for you behind bars with his own ideas on how to iniate you into his world of reality!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi