Celebrity Slap: July 19, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joe Jackson

Offense: Breathing our good air

For the love of God why won't this man shut up and go away!?! All this fool sees is dollar signs in his eyes, as he had the stupidity to say publicly that Michael's kids have a future in showbiz... even calling them the "Jackson 3." Is he that out of touch? Joe Jackson, the poster child for birth control!

2. Morgan Freeman

Offense: Old perv

I always thought he was a cool dude, but there is something West Virginia-creepy about a 72-year-old wanting to knock boots with his 27-year-old step-grandaughter. I can't imagine what she finds appealing about someone old enough to be her great-grandaddy. Maybe she's really into beef jerky. I don't know. I bet there's some kind of role playing going on, like "Driving Miss Booby" or whatever. I just threw up a little in my mouth. Ick.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Nasty

When I look at Mr. Midlife Crisis, all I can see is an open, festering sore. Moo Goo Guy dumb is supposedly engaged to his tramp. Once the money dries up-- and it will because you have 8 kids-- she'll be taking her vajay-jay buffet to greener pastures. You're a disgrace to your gender. Even your testicles don't want to hang around you any more!

Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 5, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Tyra Banks

Offense: Divatastic

While walking the red carpet at the BET Awards, Tyra totally blew off fans, refusing to wave or smile for them. She was all about strutting her Amazon booty. If Tyra wants to be the next Oprah, she needs to learn some better people skills. Oprah is a demanding queen, but she ain't no bee-yoitch! Maybe Tyra was upset cuz she realized she looks like a poor man's RuPaul. It's uncomfortable when you have to tuck, right?

2. Governor Mark Sanford

Offense: Thinking with the wrong head

Yes, Latina women are all spicy and badonkalicious, so we kinda understand why you had to travel all the way to Argentina to be a dog. But to humiliate your wife further by saying you think your ho is your soulmate, but you're gonna work on your marriage... WOW! Way to make your wife happy. If she pulls a Lorena Bobbitt and you wake up one morning and see your ween lying on the pillow next to you, who's really to blame?

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: Souless Bastard

This non-human further proved his non-humaness by pimping his silly record label every chance he's gotten. Your son is dead before his time. Your son hated you because you are a heartless bottom-feeder who psychologically damaged all your children. All this jerk can see is dollar signs-- and that is completely repulsive. In a perfect world, a car carrying Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would careen out of control, running over you and then blowing up. Now that's the "it happens in threes" thing that I wanna see!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi