Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Lack of tact

She's got a pretty popular song with "Party in the USA." Instead of being grateful, she says she didn't think it was gonna be popular and doesn't really listen to Jay-Z music. Because simply saying that she was happy the song is doing well and leaving it at that would be too obvious. Perhaps she's suffering from some type of disease which explains her lack of class: like, Footinmouthitis, Dumbhillbillycus, or Whoreusinthemaking.

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Unbelievable B.S. Spewer

Rihanna bravely shared the details of the horrific incident between her and Chris because she realizes how many young girls look up to her. Meanwhile, Chris needs to fire his PR person, because he should never have responded to Rihanna's interview. He felt the details should "remain a private matter." You know, that's exactly what an abuser says! Let's not talk about it, so it'll go away. Like it never happened. It did happen. And while he says he accepts responsibility, the eyes don't lie. I don't know what else to say. But this does come to mind-- you're a repulsive maggot!

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: King of Planet Stupid

Didn't take long for this waste of space to ask Michael's estate for a monthly allowance-- to the tune of $15,000. What do you need a monthly allowance for, Crypt Keeper? For more belts to whip small children with? For booze to ply Al Sharpton with so you can get him between the sheets? For that pimpin' wardrobe that went out of style with "Starsky and Hutch?" And if that weren't bad enough, you look like a fossilized Mr. Potato Head!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joanna Krupa

Offense: Sour grapes

This model/actress/air polluter is talking smack about "Dancing With The Stars" pretty boy Maks. Their spat goes back to that stupid show "The Superstars," where Maks won. Crappa says Maks is too impatient to work with anyone on the show, so she's glad she's not partnered with him. Whatever. We'll see how it all goes down on the show. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Or your foot? Or some duct tape? Anything that will make you zip it!

2. The Jackson Family

Offense: Beyond tacky

Yes. Jacko had some cash flow issues-- like no cash. But for the family to allow the funeral and after party to be taped? Come on. A&E is gonna use the footage and then there's gonna be a DVD. For sale. It's okay to occasionally draw a line and not step over it. Are you listening, Joe Jackson? Cuz we all know you're the one counting the chump change-- you knave!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Raging hormone

Guess when Johnnie's momma always told him to have a 'plan B' he really took it to heart. Well, actually--to his pants. His Plan B is supposedly Kristin Cavallari. Obviously, he's familiar with her "Hills," spending two years exploring the mountains while each of them were between regrets. I swear, his "little friend" is an act of his own. Perhaps John can do this whole new ventriloquist act, or a street corner pee-pee pantomime, or an illusionist-- watch me disappear into any available crotchal canyon...

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: July 5, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Tyra Banks

Offense: Divatastic

While walking the red carpet at the BET Awards, Tyra totally blew off fans, refusing to wave or smile for them. She was all about strutting her Amazon booty. If Tyra wants to be the next Oprah, she needs to learn some better people skills. Oprah is a demanding queen, but she ain't no bee-yoitch! Maybe Tyra was upset cuz she realized she looks like a poor man's RuPaul. It's uncomfortable when you have to tuck, right?

2. Governor Mark Sanford

Offense: Thinking with the wrong head

Yes, Latina women are all spicy and badonkalicious, so we kinda understand why you had to travel all the way to Argentina to be a dog. But to humiliate your wife further by saying you think your ho is your soulmate, but you're gonna work on your marriage... WOW! Way to make your wife happy. If she pulls a Lorena Bobbitt and you wake up one morning and see your ween lying on the pillow next to you, who's really to blame?

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: Souless Bastard

This non-human further proved his non-humaness by pimping his silly record label every chance he's gotten. Your son is dead before his time. Your son hated you because you are a heartless bottom-feeder who psychologically damaged all your children. All this jerk can see is dollar signs-- and that is completely repulsive. In a perfect world, a car carrying Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would careen out of control, running over you and then blowing up. Now that's the "it happens in threes" thing that I wanna see!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi