Celebrity Slap: July 5, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Tyra Banks

Offense: Divatastic

While walking the red carpet at the BET Awards, Tyra totally blew off fans, refusing to wave or smile for them. She was all about strutting her Amazon booty. If Tyra wants to be the next Oprah, she needs to learn some better people skills. Oprah is a demanding queen, but she ain't no bee-yoitch! Maybe Tyra was upset cuz she realized she looks like a poor man's RuPaul. It's uncomfortable when you have to tuck, right?

2. Governor Mark Sanford

Offense: Thinking with the wrong head

Yes, Latina women are all spicy and badonkalicious, so we kinda understand why you had to travel all the way to Argentina to be a dog. But to humiliate your wife further by saying you think your ho is your soulmate, but you're gonna work on your marriage... WOW! Way to make your wife happy. If she pulls a Lorena Bobbitt and you wake up one morning and see your ween lying on the pillow next to you, who's really to blame?

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: Souless Bastard

This non-human further proved his non-humaness by pimping his silly record label every chance he's gotten. Your son is dead before his time. Your son hated you because you are a heartless bottom-feeder who psychologically damaged all your children. All this jerk can see is dollar signs-- and that is completely repulsive. In a perfect world, a car carrying Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would careen out of control, running over you and then blowing up. Now that's the "it happens in threes" thing that I wanna see!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Don't trust anything with teets...

This just in:

Cows are behind the "swine flu"... they're pissed over the whole "mad cow" thing...

Pigs have it bad enough. If you're fat, you're a pig. If you eat too much, you're a pig. If you cat-call at a hot broad or burp and fart, you're a pig. They like shit. They roll around in the mud. But a pig responsible for a flu?

They've got enough in their trough to deal with.

It's cows. And they're angry. Been a subject of scruntiny for years. Red meat is bad for you. It causes heart disease and clogs your arteries, blah, blah, moo! And then, when "mad cow disease" hit, Oprah drove a stake (steak? lol) into Elsie's heart by saying she was "afraid" to eat a hamburger again (or something like that.)

They came. They saw. They plotted. The best way to deflect attention? Re-direct it.

Kudos, my beefy friends. Kudos.

xoxo,

RiRi