Don't trust anything with teets...

This just in:

Cows are behind the "swine flu"... they're pissed over the whole "mad cow" thing...

Pigs have it bad enough. If you're fat, you're a pig. If you eat too much, you're a pig. If you cat-call at a hot broad or burp and fart, you're a pig. They like shit. They roll around in the mud. But a pig responsible for a flu?

They've got enough in their trough to deal with.

It's cows. And they're angry. Been a subject of scruntiny for years. Red meat is bad for you. It causes heart disease and clogs your arteries, blah, blah, moo! And then, when "mad cow disease" hit, Oprah drove a stake (steak? lol) into Elsie's heart by saying she was "afraid" to eat a hamburger again (or something like that.)

They came. They saw. They plotted. The best way to deflect attention? Re-direct it.

Kudos, my beefy friends. Kudos.

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 26, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Pathetic-ness. Yes, I just made up a word.

Everyone can sleep well tonight knowing that Lindsay likes man candy again! I'm sure her ex-lover, Samantha, will be jealous. Samantha-- who's never enjoyed the Oscar Mayer. Samantha-- who's man enough for the both of them. Duh! Way to really turn her green. Cuz I guess dating another woman was too obvious? "Hi, this is Lindsay Lohan for MEN-- the other white meat."

2. John Mayer

Offense: Soon-to-be-disease-ridden-playa

He's spending quality time with some young bimbette who's dumb enough to fawn all over him. Seems like this 'sensitive rocker' got over his heartache very quickly. All that twittering about his broken heart-- blah, blah, bleck! Latest reports indicate that John is gonna build a revolving door on his fly!

1. Slumdog Dad

Offense: Actin' shady

Even though there doesn't seem to be 'evidence' that what's-his-face tried to sell his daughter for 300-grand, doesn't mean he's innocent (think O.J.) He claims the 'offer' was lost in translation. Riiiiight. Cuz being dirt poor and opportunistic is NOT a motivator. May a herd of cows run you over and smack you numerous times across the face with their teets!

Get those cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAP!