Dwoink

That's a word my bff's 11-year-old daughter likes to throw around. Guess it's the little kiddie version of "douchebag." No real definition for 'dwoink,' except it can be applied to most mouth-breathing idiots that roam our fair Earth.

Dwoink reminds me of the sound a turd makes when it hits the bottom of the bowl, or in words: Jon Gosselin.

Clearing out $230,000 from a joint bank account is wrong. And it violates an arbitrator's ruling. And it's wrong. I guess he forgot that Happy Meals don't grow off trees in the backyard. Or maybe he thinks his 8 children are old enough to work for money to buy the food and clothes and other things they need. Did I mention this is wrong?

Either this motherfucker is insane or he's just a complete pube. Or perhaps a bit of both. Again, real men of this world, I implore you to ask this cretin to hand his balls back. Kick him out of the club.

Dwoink, indeed.

xoxo,

RiRi

Want some cheese to go with that whine?

This might be the biggest toolbag roaming Planet Earth right now. And trust me, the competition is stiff. This pansy-ass motherf*cker is crying to Us Weekly mag that he "took a lot of abuse" from Kate.

Obviously, not enough. When I watched the show, at first, I did feel sorry for this dolt. Brow beaten all the time by the overbearing Kate. But now I know why-- you're a mouth-breathing, no working, ho-humpin' fool! She abused you?

Check out this quote from the modern day Confucious: "She'll call me, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." What in God's name does that mean? You talk like Beavis and Butthead!

If we give you a skirt, a tampon, some Midol and some chocolate will you STFU?

I'd call you a douche, but a douche has some purpose.

Rant concluded. Don't make me get all Old Testament on you....

xoxo,

RiRi

The Double Bypass

Oooh, my belly is grumblin'. I know what'll hit the spot like a ton of bricks:

KFC's "Double Down"

Fitting name. Talk about taking a gamble with your health! I guess they figured they could test-run this "sandwich" since they "done good" already with laying out that faux-grilled chicken stuff.

The Double Down is two fried chicken patties with cheese, bacon, and the Colonel's special sauce in between. First of all, the Colonel is dead. I don't want to know where you've been keeping his sauce all these years. Second of all, I'm over hearing about anyone's special sauce.

The PR peeps claim this concoction is 590 calories and 31 grams of fat. Excuse me, but my bullshit alarm just went off. Maybe in space where there's no gravity, that might be true. I'm no contestant on Biggest Loser or anything, but this baby has to be at least 1,200 calories and 70 grams of fat.

But that's not what gets me about this heartattack in a bag. You know someone is gonna roll up in the drive thru and say: "I'd like the Double Down Meal Deal... And make it a Diet Coke."

The KFC Double Down. Feel your..... aorta..... slooooooooooooowiing.... dow....