Suck it. Please.

A radio friend of mine does a bit where she goes-off on stupid stuff. Because let's face it-- when you have some intelligence, being surrounded by bottom-feeders and inbreds can be quite aggravating. Some people take exception to brutal honesty. Case in point: an irrate emailing listener.
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Dear Gina:

This morning while taking my children to school, you were doing your usual dish. TONE IT DOWN!

As you're screaming "You SUCK!" about someone, I'm thinking, "No, Gina, YOU SUCK" if that's all the better language choice you have in your vocabulary.

It went on and on and I had to turn the radio off.

Respectfully,

Deborah F
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Gina's response:

Dear Deborah: (I assume the "F" stands for "fuckhead?"-- see my vocabulary is QUITE expansive-- ooh, that's a three-syllable word! Bonus Scrabble!)

I'm truly sorry you were offended by my extremely popular bit, which I've done EVERY DAY at the same time for TWO YEARS. Somebody had a dick in their ear again!

And thanks for saying I suck. I do suck. Well. At least that's what your husband said last night.

Respectfully,
Gina Foxx

P.S. God bless.
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xoxo,
RiRi

It's. On.

I hate it when people fight dirty. You know what I mean. Ad campaigns for political office who slam their opponent instead of focusing solely on what makes them the right person for the job.

Now, it's a state vs. state battle. Kentucky is trying to lure young Ohioans to their state. Not by painting a picture of what a great place Kentucky is, but on how shitty Ohio is. The marketing firm that created these series of ads even calls a fictional city in Ohio "Oblivion" and a fictional city in Kentucky "Possibility."

How clever!

1. I'm not the first one to say it, and I won't be the last. But really, are you proud of state who's initials are KY?

2. Yes, I see the possibilities in Kentucky. I can probably marry my brother legally, so all that fuckin' "tain't so bad after all."

3. This from a state that pronounces Louisville, Loo-ah-ville. Guess all you toothless bastards have a hard time saying stuff.

Let's face it. You're really just jealous of Ohio. Cuz when you look at a map of the U.S., you're really just Ohio's left ball, hanging next to your relative-scrompin-brothers-West Virginia-- aka, Ohio's right ball.

Now, get back to your double-wide (and I don't mean yo momma.) Your tv dinner's ready.

xoxo,
RiRi

Bitchstick

Rumor has it Ms. Palin is "actively seeking" a beauty endorsement deal. Hhhmmm, I know some of you idiot men see her as prime MILF material, but really? Cover Girl material? Bleh.

I'm sure Wet n Wild could use a celeb like her, someone who's a little of both.

She wants to capitalize on that whole "lipstick on a pitbull" quip she didn't even write. Perhaps a shade of lipstick that makes the wearer disappear? I would LOVE that-- on her. I guess "lipstick on a twat" isn't as catchy.

xoxo,
RiRi

Moron Move

Klutz + Twisted Mind = Me

I hit both parts of the equation within an hour.

Klutz: I still haven't mastered walking after all these years, and managed to trip over my own feet while walking to my car. Really. I walk better after a few drinks.... probably because I'm concentrating on walking. I should I apply that daily. I really enjoyed the snickering from the lunchers sitting outside. Sigh...

Twisted Mind: I'm at the grocery store looking for Golden Mushroom Soup. Can't find it, cuz, it's moron move day. Friendly grocery store dude asks if I need help. My eyes are scanning the shelves; I kinda hear him talking... I reply: "Yeah. I'm looking for some Golden Shower Soup." Silence. I realize I just asked friendly grocery store dude for a can of kink. I'm suddenly sweating like a whore in church. I can't find this can of soup quick enough. Finally I spot a can, grab it and run.

I'm going to blame my allergy medicine... or my genetics. After all, my dad once asked for a "Great American Long Dong" at a hotdog stand instead of the "Great American Long DOG."

I got nothin' else.

xoxo,
RiRi

Want some cheese to go with that whine?

This might be the biggest toolbag roaming Planet Earth right now. And trust me, the competition is stiff. This pansy-ass motherf*cker is crying to Us Weekly mag that he "took a lot of abuse" from Kate.

Obviously, not enough. When I watched the show, at first, I did feel sorry for this dolt. Brow beaten all the time by the overbearing Kate. But now I know why-- you're a mouth-breathing, no working, ho-humpin' fool! She abused you?

Check out this quote from the modern day Confucious: "She'll call me, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." What in God's name does that mean? You talk like Beavis and Butthead!

If we give you a skirt, a tampon, some Midol and some chocolate will you STFU?

I'd call you a douche, but a douche has some purpose.

Rant concluded. Don't make me get all Old Testament on you....

xoxo,

RiRi

Just go away. Please.

Two twits in a pod...

Our favorite puke-inducing, cellophane "celebrities" Ho-dee and Splooger got married (again) this weekend. According to http://www.tmz.com/, these bitches broke the three major rules for every wedding reception.

Rule #1: Open Bar

Beer and wine were free; but mixed drinks set you back 10-bucks apiece. If I had a dick, I'd better get blown with that kind of pricing.

Rule #2: Food

Cocktail hour was anorexic-- tuna tartar. WTF? Some wings and a veggie tray would've been better. Chicken salad on a cracker? Guess they thought everyone would get full on their love. Whatever. I'm full all right-- up to the ears in your shit.

Rule #3: Show up on time

The reception was to start at 6 pm. But doors didn't open until AFTER 7:30. And the happy couple didn't arrive until 9 pm-- which would've been okay if there was something to eat and drink!

One step above trailer trash... I take that back. At least with trailer trash, there'd be a wide-assortment of road kill, moonshine and someone's cousin to get horizontal with.