Oh, Pa!

YAAAAY! FAKE ORANGE JUICE, KOREAN STYLE!

Now that Dad is retired, he keeps himself busy. Which is a good thing, because he'll go insane otherwise. Busy means, at least, weekly trips to my palatial estate. We usually do a food trade: Dad brings whatever, and I satisfy his sweet tooth.

Dad hands me a can of this orange juice. It's not really a juice. It's orange DRINK (there's 31 grams of sugar in this bad boy.) Big difference. But to my parents "juice" and "drink" are the same. They poured Hi-C down my throat for years. Anywho, dad swears this Bon-Bon crap is the "best orange juice I've ever had. It has pulp in it." I didn't have the heart to tell him you can buy orange juice with pulp in it.

The drink vs. juice argument is not what fascinates me here. What does fascinate me are all the subliminal messages on this can of swill!

1. A drink with "sac"!? I was prepared to see a pair of kiwis on the underside of the can.

2. The orgasmic orange. Look at that pulsating orange shooting pulp all over the place!

3. Bon Bon. Didn't Ricky Martin want me to shake my "Bon Bon"!?

Since this is the "best," I had to give it a try. Would I tingle? Would I explode with pleasure just like the orange?

I chugged. Yes! I feel something. I chugged some more! Again! And Again! And then-- nothing.
I felt empty. Just like the calories in this "juice." Empty, just like a tramp that takes a dude home at the end of the night and realizes he's not Prince Charming.

xoxo,

RiRi

Dwoink

That's a word my bff's 11-year-old daughter likes to throw around. Guess it's the little kiddie version of "douchebag." No real definition for 'dwoink,' except it can be applied to most mouth-breathing idiots that roam our fair Earth.

Dwoink reminds me of the sound a turd makes when it hits the bottom of the bowl, or in words: Jon Gosselin.

Clearing out $230,000 from a joint bank account is wrong. And it violates an arbitrator's ruling. And it's wrong. I guess he forgot that Happy Meals don't grow off trees in the backyard. Or maybe he thinks his 8 children are old enough to work for money to buy the food and clothes and other things they need. Did I mention this is wrong?

Either this motherfucker is insane or he's just a complete pube. Or perhaps a bit of both. Again, real men of this world, I implore you to ask this cretin to hand his balls back. Kick him out of the club.

Dwoink, indeed.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes life bitch slaps you. This will make you feel better...

"Things do not change; We change"

-- Henry David Thoreau

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: October 4, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tawny Kitaen

Offense: Trainwreck

The "hactress" busted again for DUI. It's like the millionth time. What happened, Tawny? You were good in "Bachelor Party." Of course, you weren't in the movie very much. And those smokin' moves in all those Whitesnake videos-- awesome! But now the only thing you're writhing on these days is a case of Jack. Pathetic. You're definitely no sweet kitty. Sourpuss-- for many reasons I'm sure-- you are.

2. Pamela Bach and The Hoff (smackin' him for fun!)

Offense: Pam's a B.S. Artist

Seems I mis-slapped The Hoff last week. He may not have been a drunken mess, this time. Ex-wife Pamela wanted a little revenge and called 911 on him. Three words: Get. Over. It. There are plenty of other tools to stalk. David's got enough going against him: bad botox, an over-inflated sense of self, and hideous man perm. Don't add to it. My head's gonna explode. Just like his pants, which are way too tight for a man his age. Air needs to circulate there!

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Dastardly (I went to college, so I know big words and stuff)

Earlier this week, bipolar boy asked the court to hold-off on divorce proceedings for 90 days. We recall you saying how much you 'despise Kate." Now, he's stopped production on the TV show. What's that I'm hearing? That's the sound of your fratboy world crashing around you, mingled in with the laugher of us sane people who think you're a total fool. I've got a perfect new project for you: "Godzilla Versus Sack Scab." Guess who wins?

Get your cheeks ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.O.S.

This is Tracey Isabitch, "The Biggest Loser" Contestant...

And one of the biggest psycho whorebags I've seen on the show.

She has those 'crazy eyes.' And on this week's installment, she basically fucked everyone over. Yes, game play is a part of this show. But she's just a lowdown, con artist who really believes her own bullshit. In one challenge, she ate a bunch of cupcakes so she could control the game. She won. Bitch ain't ever seen a cupcake she hasn't shoved between her cheeks. So, she got to pick which member of each team would have their weight loss count. Oh, props to trainer Jillian for cussing this turd out. I think I'd like to kiss Jillian... but back to the story.

Hatecy screwed everyone over. Then, she gets on the scale and pulls an 11-pound weight loss, which is huge. Like her ass. NO ONE clapped for her. Great shot of trainer Bob who was about to clap and didn't. Then she was all pissy because no one clapped for her. Suck it.

Previews for next week's show alludes to a possible injury for the bitch. Oh if karma played out that quickly..... I want to say I hope she falls into a boiling vat of chocolate, cuz wouldn't THAT be ironic, but I'm gonna try to be nice. Ha.

Can't wait to see Tuesday's show!

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. POS stands for Piece of Shit. XL in this case.

Evil

Lookie here. Isn't she such a sweet looking old granny? She's a fucking psycho bitch who needs to become fertilizer.

=====================
EUCLID -- Resident Dorothy Richardson, 76, was found guilty of animal abuse in Euclid Municipal Court for beating a fawn to death at her home in early July. She was fined $500, sentenced to 30 days in jail with all days suspended, and must perform 80 hours of community service.

She had been charged with two counts of misdemeanor animal abuse but one was dismissed.

She had originally pleaded not guilty to both counts but changed her plea to no contest on the one count when the first count was dismissed.

She was also told not to engage in that kind of activity again.

Richardson said she was defending herself when she beat to death a 25-pound fawn that was crouched in her flower bed, then stuffed the fawn's body in a cardboard box and put it out on trash day.

A widow, she said she has been defending her garden against deer for years and this time took a shovel and beat the fawn until it died.

She said the fawn's eyes contacted hers, like he was going to jump and bite her head off.

After the incident, Euclid City Councilman Christopher Gruber says Richardson told him something different.

Gruber says Richardson said she hit it once and, according to her, it screamed and she hit it two more times, then she said that what she wanted to do was put it at the end of the yard so the other deer know not to mess with her.

She had faced up to 60 days in jail and a $1,000 fine.
================
This hag wasn't afraid. She completely intended to kill the fawn. There are other ways to handle animals in your yard and flower gardens. This ain't cool.

I'm hoping for Stephen King-style justice. The deer gather together with a plot to get some retribution from this loser. Yeah, you know exactly what I mean.

xoxo,
RiRi

Bitchstick

Rumor has it Ms. Palin is "actively seeking" a beauty endorsement deal. Hhhmmm, I know some of you idiot men see her as prime MILF material, but really? Cover Girl material? Bleh.

I'm sure Wet n Wild could use a celeb like her, someone who's a little of both.

She wants to capitalize on that whole "lipstick on a pitbull" quip she didn't even write. Perhaps a shade of lipstick that makes the wearer disappear? I would LOVE that-- on her. I guess "lipstick on a twat" isn't as catchy.

xoxo,
RiRi