Celebrity Slap: June 7, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ashlee Simpson

Offense: Stupid wench

Proof-positive that everything from Texas is bigger, cuz she takes tramp-dome to a new level. Ashlee and Pete were at a charity event when she decided to get drunk, give Pete a lap dance, then trash-talk his ex-girlfriend saying: "I hope you know the whole time you were dating Pete, I was f*cking him." Niiiice. To quote the great philospher Ron Burgandy, "You stay classy, Ashlee Simpson."

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Offense: Reeking of desperation

She was engaged just last year to a dude who dropped her like a hot potato cuz she was too clingy. Guess what? Lesson not learned. With rumors swirling that she and Jamie Kennedy are engaged, she needed to set the record straight. They AREN'T engaged, but if they aren't "planning something by this time next year-- there's a situation." Yeah, there's a situation all right. You're acting like a psycho who needs to hurry up and get married so you can have someone draw your sitz bath and cut up your cheese sandwiches for you when you get really old. Why don't you have one of those ghosts on your show help you find your self worth!

1. Melissa Joan Hart

Offense: Lacking humanity

Sometimes one's inner thoughts should stay inside. Deep inside. Like in that dark hole where Melissa Joan Hart's heart used to be. While appearing on a TV show, she was overheard saying she hoped Farrah Fawcett would hold-off on dying for a week so that she could keep her cover of "People" magazine. Because her bikini body is way more important that the story of a woman valiantly fighting cancer. This might possibly be the most repulsive thing I've ever heard. Melissa Joan Hartless now joins Heather Mills. You've been served-- hand your ovaries back, cuz you're out of the club!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi