Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tom Cruise

Offense: Enabler

There's been murmurings floating in cyber space that little Suri can be a touch bratty. Maybe it's because she gets everything she wants-- and more. Like a custom-made, $30 thousand mini-Indy car! Suri supposedly is 'mesmerized' by racing. Right, Cole Trickle... I'm sure this isn't Daddy's obsession spilling over onto his offspring. And even better-- if Suri really stays with the racing thing, he's gonna build a track in the backyard! Why hasn't the mother ship called you back home yet?

2. Sharon Stone

Offense: Talkie too much

She really knows how to pay a compliment. When asked why she thinks Meryl Streep works so much, Sharon said: "Because she looks like a woman we can all relate to." Nicely said! But... Sharon didn't stop there. She proceeded to say that Meryl "looks like an unmade bed." Ugh. You should've stopped while you were ahead. By the way, don't you have to flash your crotch somewhere?

1. Mel Gibson

Offense: Talking

Mel would surely know what it's like to be Tiger Woods. Under all that scrutiny for being a lowdown-dirty-gum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-DOG. Mel feels sorry for Tiger. Boo-fucking-hoo. There are better things to talk about... WAAAAH. We know. But when you can't keep it in your pants and you have to mark your territory like a wild animal across the country, you kinda got it comin' to you. Are you okay with that, Sugar Sack?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Where's the beef?

That really was the question in a South Carolina courtroom recently.

51-year-old Mark (or is that Dork) Zachary of Orangesburg was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His crime-- stealing an $80 slab of meat. This was his 9th shoplifting offense.

Someone's got a problem... or an addiction to USDA Prime.

Anywho, the Assistant Solicitor (sounds dirty) in the case asked "Where's the beef?" in opening statements. Clever. Obviously, the beef thief has no meat between his ears. Guess what his defense was?

"I was massaging the beef, not stealing it."

Wha?!?!

Massaging. Beef. I think he meant the steak. And frankly, I'd rather have him yankin' "it" in the store instead of massaging some beef. I expect you to treat "it" like a joystick. I DO NOT want anyone massaging my beef... not without drinks first-- HA HA!

Nice lam-o attempt at a defense. I'm sure you'll get plenty of meat massaging behind bars. Tool.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

That spot between your ears needs some TLC.....

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat."

-- Napoleon Hill

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 10, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Hurl inducing

Dude's got a Tony Award nomination, but he can't quit the realty TV game. He's dating socialite Tinsley Mortimer for her upcoming CW reality show "Empire State." He might as well just go work for that male brothel in Nevada... By the by, that's not love she's feeling. It's nausea-- like when you eat bad coleslaw.

2. Katie Holmes

Offense: Bordering on lunacy

This fool wants to get a tattoo to show her devotion to her hubby, Tom. She got the bright idea from her BFF Posh Spice, who honored The Becks with one. First of all, way to be a follower! Secondly, even Tom (who's a little nutty himself) thinks it's a bad idea. Whatcha gonna get inked? "Ur the jumper to my couch" or perhaps "Nanu Nanu." That's special.

1. Mariah Carey

Offense: Whack job

She was honored as Breakout Actress at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and ruined it all by giving a drunkass acceptance speech. Drinking and talking NOT her strong suit. Being a pampered, obnoxious princess who looks like a stuffed sausage, IS. Please, go away!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes......... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Why stupid people should NOT reproduce...

... because they make stupid offspring! And unfortunately, The Stoopids are overtaking the planet!

Case in point-- this from Covington, Louisiana.

45-year-old mental midget Tim Williams and his 12-year-old daughter were arrested for an alleged practical joke went wrong. These two thought it'd be a hoot-n-a-holler to drive on the highway in his pickup truck with the girl sitting in the passenger seat bound and gagged with duct tape. Motorists called authorities after seeing the "kidnapping" in progress. Several boxed in Williams' moving pickup truck until police could catch up to them.

Beats playing Parcheesi, I suppose.

Perhaps their original prank idea went sour: "Daddy, why don't you pretend to give me the pickle tickle again?"

Yeah....

xoxo,
RiRi

Really?

SKINNY JEANS

A recent survey from Special K (that crappy cereal) reveals that 29 percent of women say fitting into their "skinny" jeans again would be better than sex.

Say WHAT!?!

29 percent is waaay too high. Maybe one percent. But 29 percent? I know there's some bad ween out there, but when everything evens-out, nothing is better than sex. Sure, lots of money is great. You can buy sex. Chocolate is great. You can slather someone in chocolate and then have sex. Get it? Obviously not since a pair of pants is more exciting than what's inside them!

Fitting back into your skinny jeans could get you sex. Are you gonna turn it down because you just want to strut around all proud in your fuckin' jeans?

Get a grip. Or better yet, get a toy and vibe your brain into remembering why sex rocks.

29 percent... please.

Rant concluded.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Deep thoughts to penetrate your mind...

"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."

-- George Eliot

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi