Mental Massage

A jolt of positivity....

"Worry a little bit every day and in a lifetime, you will lose a couple of years. If something is wrong, fix it if you can. But train yourself not to worry. Worry never fixes anything."

-- Mary Hemingway

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Feel the positivity...

"The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us."

--Voltaire

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 22, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Delusional

We all have "The List" in the event that some Hollywood hottie would actually want to say "Hi" to us. It's fun. It's a game. With this mini-Buddha, it's for real. On his "hit list" is Lindsay Lohan, Kristin Cavallari and Whitney Port. Puh-leez. Lindsay, sure. But the other two? Good luck. Now we have proof positive that you are indeed insane. There is no way I'd even let you touch my cookies. None. Nada. Never. Even if you paid me. Keep your egg roll to yourself!

2. Kathie Lee Gifford

Offense: Humorless

Poor woman is all upset because Kristen Wiig did a sketch making fun of her on SNL. Boo hoo. Stop taking yourself so seriously and be grateful that someone remembers who you are! On top of being angry, Kathie Waaa is threatening to sue. Come on. We should sue you for that awful Carnival Cruise song you did last century. Don't you have some bridge to go hide under, you troll?

1. Speidi-- that's Heidi and Spencer Pratt

Offense: Too numerous to list

The lovable Al Roker and these two ninnies got into an argument on-air a while back. Basically, Al called them out on all their bullshit. They took offense, because they have Jesus on their side. Spencer took to his Twitter account to slander Al, saying he was old, fat and the most offensive-- abusive to women. Spencer, you're not funny. Not in the slighest. And seriously, don't hide behind God. By the by, the Big Man upstairs has a message for you. In Exodus 10:15: "God looked down from the mountain and told Spencer to STFU!" Amen.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Disgraceful

This is just wrong.

Is nothing sacred anymore? What lowlife piece of trailer trash desecrates Big Boy!?! Wait, I just answered that...

My beloved boy with the big, blue eyes, jet black hair and squeezability has been transformed into a hill-squatin' (I really don't know what that means, but it sounds bad) mascot! NOOOOO!

Some of my best childhood memories involved Dad grabbin' a sack of Big Boy burgers on the Fridays when he and Mom had a little extra cash. We would drive our "new" beater car to the local airport and watch the planes land. Yummy, juicy double-stacked burgers with special sauce... and fries. Ah, those were the days.

And now, the poor boy has obvious pit and crotch issues, might like dick, and has a Hitler mustache.

I'm praying to the Gods of All Things Good that Big Boy had the last laugh and crushed his stank-breath violators with the burger that's supposed to be in his raised hand! But I'm afraid that some redneck is using the burger as a coffee table, or even worse, as his part of his love nest. Vurp.

By the by, my friend snapped this photo on the way to a sales call. I guess the folks out in the country have nothing better to do than pull some cow teets and desecrate a part of Americana!

I'm okay now... deep, cleansing breath.....

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A jolt a positivity for your brain...

"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination."

-- Jimmy Dean

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: November 15, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies, just like momma would!

3. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Lack of tact

She's got a pretty popular song with "Party in the USA." Instead of being grateful, she says she didn't think it was gonna be popular and doesn't really listen to Jay-Z music. Because simply saying that she was happy the song is doing well and leaving it at that would be too obvious. Perhaps she's suffering from some type of disease which explains her lack of class: like, Footinmouthitis, Dumbhillbillycus, or Whoreusinthemaking.

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Unbelievable B.S. Spewer

Rihanna bravely shared the details of the horrific incident between her and Chris because she realizes how many young girls look up to her. Meanwhile, Chris needs to fire his PR person, because he should never have responded to Rihanna's interview. He felt the details should "remain a private matter." You know, that's exactly what an abuser says! Let's not talk about it, so it'll go away. Like it never happened. It did happen. And while he says he accepts responsibility, the eyes don't lie. I don't know what else to say. But this does come to mind-- you're a repulsive maggot!

1. Joe Jackson

Offense: King of Planet Stupid

Didn't take long for this waste of space to ask Michael's estate for a monthly allowance-- to the tune of $15,000. What do you need a monthly allowance for, Crypt Keeper? For more belts to whip small children with? For booze to ply Al Sharpton with so you can get him between the sheets? For that pimpin' wardrobe that went out of style with "Starsky and Hutch?" And if that weren't bad enough, you look like a fossilized Mr. Potato Head!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Suck it. Please.

A radio friend of mine does a bit where she goes-off on stupid stuff. Because let's face it-- when you have some intelligence, being surrounded by bottom-feeders and inbreds can be quite aggravating. Some people take exception to brutal honesty. Case in point: an irrate emailing listener.
==============
Dear Gina:

This morning while taking my children to school, you were doing your usual dish. TONE IT DOWN!

As you're screaming "You SUCK!" about someone, I'm thinking, "No, Gina, YOU SUCK" if that's all the better language choice you have in your vocabulary.

It went on and on and I had to turn the radio off.

Respectfully,

Deborah F
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Gina's response:

Dear Deborah: (I assume the "F" stands for "fuckhead?"-- see my vocabulary is QUITE expansive-- ooh, that's a three-syllable word! Bonus Scrabble!)

I'm truly sorry you were offended by my extremely popular bit, which I've done EVERY DAY at the same time for TWO YEARS. Somebody had a dick in their ear again!

And thanks for saying I suck. I do suck. Well. At least that's what your husband said last night.

Respectfully,
Gina Foxx

P.S. God bless.
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xoxo,
RiRi