Celebrity Slap: September 27, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

Dishonorable Mention: Paris Hilton. She wants to put out-- a new CD, that is. Please. Don't.

3. John Edwards

Offense: Dispicable Douche

It came out that John promised his tramp, Rielle Hunter, a lovely rooftop wedding with the Dave Matthews Band playing. Awww! Just as soon as his wife Elizabeth dies from cancer. Were you born without a soul? Rielle is just a trollop. She can't help it that her natural state of being is with her legs wide open. But you, on the other hand, are a lying, cheating, down-dirty pus-bag with no respect or class. I hope Elizabeth round-house kicks your fun marbles through your nose!

2. Suzanne Somers

Offense: Mouth runneth over

In light of Patrick Swayze's too recent passing, Suzanne says chemo caused his death. Since when did Mizz Saggybreasts become a doctor? Great. You've been able to slow down the aging process with hormones and New Age treatments, but now is not the time to speak. It's too soon. So, kindly go choke on a Thighmaster. Feel that burn, big mouth!

1. David Hasselhoff

Offense: Lying to yourself

Let's be real. It wasn't some weirdo inner ear issue/medication combo that made you appear to be a drunken mess. You ARE a drunken mess. You've been videotaped lying on a bathroom floor, shirtless with your moobs suffocating from your grey chest hair, all while inhaling a greasy cheeseburger. Because sober people do that all the time! We aren't buying it. Get help. Even K.I.T.T. is ashamed of you.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Be Afraid

What could possibly be worse than PMS? Anyone? PMS-HD.

In this age of technology and super-size-this, I swear, PMS has gotten worse. The women I know seem scarier than usual every three weeks. Perhaps nature needs to be even bad-assier. (Yes, I made that word up. Deal.) I personally blame the Always company. I never noticed their cutesy little slogan before now:

"Always: Have a Happy Period."

What. The. Fuck. Really? Obviously some dude conceptualized this lam-o slogan, because let me tell you-- there is no such thing as a "happy" period. You're just hoping to get through the next 3-7 days without committing homicide.

There is no "traipsing through a field of lavender flowers, wind caressing the hem of my flowing dress while butterflies encircle my golden locks, all the while smiling and cooing because Mother Nature has brought me the essence that makes me a woman."

"Eat shit and die." That's usually uttered at an ignorant co-worker at least once during the assault on my no-no place. I don't recall ever skipping through the halls because I'm so happy to be bloated, bitchy, self-loathing, and brain-foggy.

And don't even dare say to any woman: "Just don't think about." Don't think about it!?!? When it feels like an encore of Riverdance on my uterus! How about someone speeding-bagging your nutsack for three days. Yeah, you'll be crying for your momma, so don't tell me not to think about it.

"Have a Happy Period." I will, once I shove this "cotton field with wings"down your throat.

PMS-HD. Makes you feel like you're really living it.... wait, I am.

xoxo,
RiRi

P.S. Pass the peanut M&Ms and nobody gets hurt.

No-mance Novels

Happy 60th Anniversary, Harlequin!

"Oh, I just love romance novels! Don't you, Rita." (This from the Hobbit-esque sales woman in the building. Sales is not her strong suit. Wearing stank-ass, dime-store perfume is. )

"Fuck no. Hate them. The titles are lame. The "men" are obviously broke, because they never have a shirt. And the hair. Long and flowy like they walked out of some bizarro Michael Bolton House of Style. I have one romance novel, and I use it to prop my office door open."

"Oh. I think they're wonderful. So dreamy and romantic. These are great works of literature and it's a shame there isn't some kind of honor for these brilliant authors."

No wonder this broad can't sell a damn thing. Earth to Mrs. T-Rex.

The only good thing about a romance novel are the few pages devoted to the sex. My aunt used to read them all the time. As a little girl I would flip through her books, find the juicy parts, dog-ear the pages and tell her to save time by reading the 'good stuff.' She was mortified.

Okay, there are two things good about romance novels. The plethora of words and phrases referring to the male anatomy. And of course, it has to be a "throbbing" or "pulsing" or "swelling" "member" or "manhood" or "rocket." I guess dick, cock, wiener, wang, schlong and meat don't have enough sizzle.

Maybe Lack-of-Sales-Skills could integrate her love of romance novels into her sales pitches. She could ride into her next client meeting "on a horse wearing a corset accentuating her heaving bossoms. Her face wrought with determination, a burning desire in her loins to close the deal...."

Nauseating.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Let this sink in... yes...

"Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best anitode for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment."

-- Grenville Kleiser

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 20, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Megan Fox

Offense: Duuuuuhhhhhh

Yes, she's gorgeous. Yes, I'd say "Hi" to her. But for the love of humanity, shut up! We know you're wild. We know you're a freak-a-leak. We get it! Her latest pontifications in Rolling Stone magazine have her confessing that she has a temper and that she's threatened to kill Brian Austin Green before. You know, I'd like to slap you-- but you'd like that. So instead, I bring you a nation that ignores you, cellulite on your thighs, and that "Silence of the Lambs" mask for your face!

2. Paris Hilton and Doug Reinhart

Offense: inconsiderate non-professional

Paris backed-out of several commitments in Germany. If that weren't bad enough, she backed-out because of her pimple, known as Doug Reinhart. He didn't like the fact that one party was going to be held at an erotic table dance club. Seriously? That's your home-away-from home. And Ms. Thang has been known to dance on a table or two. Plus, I heard her momma slid down one of those poles and gave birth to her! Stop acting like you have class, because you don't!

1. Kanye West

Offense: Egomaniac

One Question: "Who the Hell are you?" For real. I don't think anyone has named you the Voice of America. Stealing the spotlight from that sweetie Taylor Swift was about as low as you've gone. All that bravado is nothin' but a front for an insecure, Caddyshack-gopher-face schmuck like you. Your brilliance as an artist is overshadowed by your mouth and brain refusing to co-exist in a harmonious relationship. I hope you're serious when you say you're gonna vanish for a while. By the way, this just in-- Kanye said he don' mean no disrespect to Amelia Earhart or Al Capone, but his disappearin' act is gon' be the best diasppearin' act of all time, boyeeeee."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Moron Move

Klutz + Twisted Mind = Me

I hit both parts of the equation within an hour.

Klutz: I still haven't mastered walking after all these years, and managed to trip over my own feet while walking to my car. Really. I walk better after a few drinks.... probably because I'm concentrating on walking. I should I apply that daily. I really enjoyed the snickering from the lunchers sitting outside. Sigh...

Twisted Mind: I'm at the grocery store looking for Golden Mushroom Soup. Can't find it, cuz, it's moron move day. Friendly grocery store dude asks if I need help. My eyes are scanning the shelves; I kinda hear him talking... I reply: "Yeah. I'm looking for some Golden Shower Soup." Silence. I realize I just asked friendly grocery store dude for a can of kink. I'm suddenly sweating like a whore in church. I can't find this can of soup quick enough. Finally I spot a can, grab it and run.

I'm going to blame my allergy medicine... or my genetics. After all, my dad once asked for a "Great American Long Dong" at a hotdog stand instead of the "Great American Long DOG."

I got nothin' else.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Time for some mental motivation...

"You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith."

-- Mary Manin Morrissey

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi