Celebrity Slap: May 31, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Jose Canseco

Offense: Big Dummy (said like Fred Sanford from "Sanford and Son" Is that reference too obscure? lol)

Jose recently wrestled a 330 pound Sumo wrestler. He was down in less than a minute! "Hong Man Choi" "California-rolled" Jose as fast as Paris Hilton jumps on the Oscar Meyer wagon. Pathetic. What's your next move? "Starring" in some VH1 Reality show? Oh, wait. You've done that already. Sucks to be you.

2. Brooke Shields

Offense: Secret tramp!

When I first read the headline about her regretting losing her V-card at the age of 22, I assumed she wanted to wait longer. But noooo! Brooke said if she had a better body image, she would've unlocked Pandora's Box ASAP! How much younger did she want to be? Because raging-hormonal-teen-couplings-in-your-parents'-family room isn't quality, nor is it smart. She probably would've scromped her icky "Blue Lagoon" co-star Christopher Atkins. Nasty!

1. Jennifer Aniston

Offense: Clingy

Jen reveals she saves old answering machine messages from former flames so she can "listen to them over and over again." Is this straight out of a Stephen King novel, or what?! I'm sure they were sweet moments from tender times... then why aren't you with them still?!?!? Cuz it didn't work out! It's over. O-V-A-- OVA! You're beautiful. You're semi-talented. Take note: men run away from the sour scent of desperation!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

My new loves...

When I spied you across the crowded DSW, I felt a tingly sensation in my no-no place. I knew we'd end up together. The boring ballerina flats and old-lady Easy Spirits tried to pedi-block me, but nothing would stop me from approaching you. You've got style, sassiness, and comfort. All the things I look for in a shoe match. And when I slipped my foot into your eagerly-awaiting leather grip, I knew this was "it." And, you were quite the catch with my $10 off coupon for being a "rewards member."

"Brazen" from Chinese Laundry. I think I'm in love... sigh...

xoxo,
RiRi

Who's the real loser?

This above image is YOU, fickle Cavs "fan."

So easy to be all rah-rah for YOUR team when they kicked booty in the regular season and LeBron was named MVP.

But now that they lost to the Magic, you lame-ass muthas are taking as many shots as you can at LeBron and the team. "Chokealiers;" "Queen James;" "LeByner;" blah, blah, blah. How does any sports team winning or losing affect YOUR life? Think about it (if you're capable of thought). How does winning a championship have anything to do with YOU? Are you now unable to spend quality time with your kids because LeBron couldn't carry the team every single game? Do you still have a job to go to Monday that pays you money? If your life is shattered by the Cavs losing, or you spend more than a few minutes feeling disappointment, then YOU are the loser. Your quality of life should not be dictated by what someone else does, let alone a sports team.

Get. Over. It. Fickle F*ck.

xoxox,

RiRi

Pairs, people. Pairs.

Since Target is one of my fav stores (where else can you grocery shop AND get chic items for a good price?) I thought it would be a perfectly acceptable place to get a heavier set of dumbells. Notice I said SET.

RITA

Ooh... there's the eight-pound weights I've been looking for.

Rita picks it up, tests-drives the weight. A curious look spreads across her face.

RITA

(out loud)

Why is there only one weight left? Seriously. Who buys one friggin' weight?

A woman walks by the aisle, stops. Looks at Rita likes she's crazy

RITA

(to woman)

Who buys one weight? What's the point? Is someone that cheap that they can only afford one dumbell? Then just use a can of soup instead and forget about it!

WOMAN

Maybe a one-armed person bought it.

RITA

Don't you think a one-armed person would have other things on their mind?

The woman walks away, most likely disgusted at Rita's insensitivity.

RITA

(to self)

I'm going to Hell.

====================

But I still don't understand the logic behind buying one weight... lol

xoxo,

RiRi

He's a catch!

Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to "Alcoholic Al." Why is no one clapping?

My "creative partner" is a flighty dude. He has the talent, but his ability to stay on task without altering the vision drives me insane. I understand altering one's course to get a G.I. Joe-grip on the brass ring, but flip-flopping on what said "ring" is places me in a continual state of wanting to beat his well-meaning ass.

But I digress. I got to digging through my sketch folder, and stumbled across two of my favorite characters waiting to be fully developed-- Alcoholic Al and his twin brother, Stalker Steve. Both are complete toolbags. Some might say they're really the same person. (That will be revealed in my tell-all when I win my awards and decide to become a recluse.)

I did write a theme song for "AA." Enjoy these heart-gripping lyrics. And if you must shed a tear, do so. Crying is therapeutic.

ALCOHOLIC AL

He's got no job

The douchebag can't drive a car

Still lives at home (with his momma)

Spends the whole day at the bar

Tries to fix things

But always makes them badder

He drinks so much

His ass is getting fatter

He's full of shit

Thinks he's the king of the world

He's got no skills

The bitch makes me want to hurl

He's Alcoholic Al

He's skeezy

And he's shady

Don't know how to treat a lady

He's Alcoholic Al

His weenie

Is so teenie

He's the King of Whiskey Dick

He's Alcoholic Al

xoxoxo,

RiRi

AT&Cheat?

OMG! WTF?

Though the "American Idol" season finale was soooo last week, this money making machine is still in the headlines. And you know that good ol' cliche: "There's no such thing as bad publicity" is in full swing now.

AT&T is accused of being a "part" of some Kris Allen fan parties in Arkansas. You remeber Kris Allen (not for long)-- the dude that just won Idol, even though just about everyone thought Adam Lambert was gonna be crowned king? If you're a regular viewer of Idol, you know that AT&T is the exclusive text provider for viewers to vote. How convenient that those attendees of the Kris Allen parties were shown how to bulk text-- sending 10 text messages at a time with one push of a button. Neato1

HHHHmmmmm... the spin doctors for AT&T are playing dumb.

AT&T

Uh, we were just, uh, invited. And, uh, we just showed some of, like, the cool stuff our phones and stuff do, and so, like we showed them this cool thing about bulk texting which isn't, like, a secret.

REPORTER

Did you share the same knowledge with Adam Lambert fans?

AT&T

Who's Adam Lambert?

===================

I doubt the bulk voters swayed the vote (we'll thank the conservative South for that, and thumpers of God's word), but something is just a tad shady here, dontcha think?

If I were the folks associated with Idol, someone would be getting a spanking over this. Conspiracy theories have surrounded the show since day one. Let's not add fuel to that fire, which could end up burning the Idol suits.

xoxox,

RiRi

The First Grey...

Men don't really understand all that encompasses being the Goddess that we are.

A friend of mine, who shall remain nameless, is upset at her first grey hair. No, really-- it's more traumatizing than you think. So in an effort to cheer her up, I wrote this little poem-- from her perspective.

I knew it would come this day,
When youth would fade away.
The fine lines
Of time.
The aches and pains.
But please explain
Mother Nature's game.
Why must the hair
"Down there"
Turn grey?
I tried to pluck,
To hide, to tuck.
But much to my dismay,
They would not go away.
What am I to do
With this hair on my hoo-hoo?

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. We're still friends. lol