Mental Massage

Time to cancel out the noise with something more uplifting...

"Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye eye fixed on the far horizon will find the right road."

--Dag Hammarskjold

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

RAFAEL NADAL

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

Hope to see much of your hard body on the hard courts of the U.S. Open!

Gulp.

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 30, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Redmond O'Neal

Offense: Cellophane bitch-boy

This spoon-fed, soft-faced tool has signed a reality TV deal to chronicle his struggles with addiction. It has nothing to do with the fact that he won't get Farrah's money unless he's clean. In fact, "Redmond wants to do this to honor his Mother." Are you really buying your own bullshit? Seriously. You can't. That line ranks right up there with: "I'll respect you in the morning." Uh, we ain't buying it, Mr. Pansy-Pants!

2. Britney Spears

Offense: Idiot

She's got her life together. She looks good. She has her kids around her and a dude who's not a scrub. Yet, her inner white-trash, toxic-dump other half is still jonesin' for some Adnan Ghalib. Why? This dude is not only supremely douchy, but he looks like yesterday's leftover schwarma. He just wants to use you for your money and your funbags, then drop you like a dirty dish rag. Wake up!

3. Paula Abdul

Offense: Self-absorbed twit

She was supposed to guest star on 'Ugly Betty' but they couldn't handle her list of demands. So, they said bye-bye to her. She actually asked for a private jet to fly her overly-medicated bootay around! Really, who do you think you are? A good singer? Nope. Actress? Not really. "Inspiration to the universe of pretty unicorns and brave flowers on a dewy morning"... Rambling. That's what you're good at. If you're not careful, MC Skat Kat and his buddies Mr. Peanut and Chester Cheetah are gonna corner you and teach you some manners! Straight up, drama queen!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

The Double Bypass

Oooh, my belly is grumblin'. I know what'll hit the spot like a ton of bricks:

KFC's "Double Down"

Fitting name. Talk about taking a gamble with your health! I guess they figured they could test-run this "sandwich" since they "done good" already with laying out that faux-grilled chicken stuff.

The Double Down is two fried chicken patties with cheese, bacon, and the Colonel's special sauce in between. First of all, the Colonel is dead. I don't want to know where you've been keeping his sauce all these years. Second of all, I'm over hearing about anyone's special sauce.

The PR peeps claim this concoction is 590 calories and 31 grams of fat. Excuse me, but my bullshit alarm just went off. Maybe in space where there's no gravity, that might be true. I'm no contestant on Biggest Loser or anything, but this baby has to be at least 1,200 calories and 70 grams of fat.

But that's not what gets me about this heartattack in a bag. You know someone is gonna roll up in the drive thru and say: "I'd like the Double Down Meal Deal... And make it a Diet Coke."

The KFC Double Down. Feel your..... aorta..... slooooooooooooowiing.... dow....

Mr. Riter

Pure Zexy-ness...

This fine hunk of man meat is Raymond Lawrence Robertson. Caused a bit of a commotion Sunday in Williams, Oregon. Thought it would be fun to barricade himself in his van (most likely one of those 'molestor' Astro vans,) and threaten residents.

Did I mention he stripped. Like, naked. Nobody wants to see this guy's "grapes of wrath" or any other drooppy, dangly hang-low thing. I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions. Maybe he's the male "butter face." He could be sculpted like Matthew McConnahottie from the neck down.... Riiiiight.

Told onlookers that if they tried to approach the vehicle, it would explode. I doubt he used those words exactly. Probably more like: "If you-ins walk on over this way n then y'all try to start some shit, this here auto-mo-bile is gonna go boom n then stuff 'gon fly n you-ins get fucked up n stuff. " (Trust me. I had a hillbilly neighbor growing up. Sloppy-titted woman with bleach blonde hair, short shorts and a tube top. Three teeth. But I digress.)

When police arrived on the scene, they had to shut the highway down. Mr. Mental Midget (no offense to dwarves) decides to get out of his pimp ride and take his clothes off. He got tackled by police.

Wonder if they needed to bathe in hydrochloric acid afterwards to get the ick off...

I'm gonna show his picture to my mom the next time she asks if I have a 'man friend.' And then tell her I like to kick 'field goals' between his two chicklets.

That just made me queezy.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

A dose of motivation coming right up!

"There is only one way in the world to be distinguised. Follow your instinct. Be yourself, and you'll be somebody. Be one more blind follower of the blind, and you will have the oblivion you desire."

-- Bliss Carman

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

My favorite email...

I hadn't heard from my "buddy" Abdullahi Sarki Mukhtar in ages. But he was kind enough to tell me that his email is not a scam. Whew!

ATTENTION BENEFICIARY:
Based on the report we received from our investigation department, we wish to warn you against some Miscreants, Hoodlums and Touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of our country.
Open the attachement to read more...

How'd he know that Rita is short for "beneficiary."

Nice try, Abdumbass Sucki Muckstain. Really? I'm still not opening your virus-filled attachment. Even though I appreciate your chivalry in trying to protect me from the real scammers. (wink, wink)

Mad props, though, for usage of "miscreants, hoodlums and touts." Touts! I MUST use that in a sentence today (by the way, I think you mean "louts.") Other than that, fuck off. Please. See. I can play that game, too.

xoxo,

RiRi