Newman's Own?

Isn't he a gem!?!

This tool is Robert Jenkins. Bobby walked into a Wal-Mart and decided it would be completely appropriate to piss all over the steaks at the meat counter. Seriously. $600 worth of damage. Do you know how many people could've been fed with that $600 worth of meat!?!? Even better, he became enraged when the clerk told him to take his cocktail weenie to Aisle 7 where they sell the small, cured meats. (I made that up. lol) Anywho, cops don't know if drugs or alcohol played a factor. Well, duh! I can't remember the last time I squatted over a rib roast. That's right-- I've never done it because I'm not a drunken fool!!!

This is NOT the kind of marinade I had in mind...

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Ready for some positive vibage? Oh, yes....

"Refuse to let your present results influence your thinking. Keep reminding yourself that you have a power within you that is superior to any condition or circumstance you may encounter enroute to your goal."

-- Bob Proctor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 24, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. New York Governor David Patterson

Offense: Womanizer

He and his wife admitted to a little O.P.P. action in the past. But I guess some things you just can't quit. He was spotted having dinner with a "leggy Latina in her 20s." And sources say they were quite cozy-- with the sight-challenged gov nibbling on her neck. I'm sure it was innocent. Maybe he thought her neck was a stalk of celery... or a straw... or an ice cream cone.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Loser

Poor, pathetic ween has to suckle off the teet of his young, equally losertastic girlfriend because he can't affort a pack of gum. I bet right about now you'd KILL to have Kate belittling your manhood and laughing at your hair plugs-- cuz that meant you had a home and some money! But as they say, Karma is a biotch, and apparently in your case-- she's on the rag. I'm sure you'll get a job... someday. Repeat after me: "Would you like to biggie-size that?" Could you say that with a little more feeling? Doh!

1. Wyclef Jean

Offense: Fool

He looked like such a stand-up guy immediately pleading to the public to help Haiti. He seemed so honorable... until it came out that he's been dipping into hs own charity for his own purposes. Cuz the thought of spending your own money for recording time and video production seemed far-fetched. I guess he took the phrase "charity starts at home" to heart. Toolbag. God's watching. And I have a feeling a smoting is coming your way. Douche.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mind your own business

Dear Kotex and Every Other Feminine Hygiene Product Maker:

Go with the flow, so to speak. Don't get all philosophical on me. First, Always is telling me to "have a happy period." And now you, Kotex Nazi, are writing "helpful tips" on your pantyliner paper.

I don't need you telling me "Exercise can make a difference! Walk for better health!" No shit, "oh one without ovaries." Because only a man would be stupid enough to try to dispense advice when I'm bleeding.

If you really want to make yourself useful, go and fetch me some peanut M&Ms... or better yet-- STFU!

Sincerely,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Everyone could use some good vibes...

"Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tom Cruise

Offense: Enabler

There's been murmurings floating in cyber space that little Suri can be a touch bratty. Maybe it's because she gets everything she wants-- and more. Like a custom-made, $30 thousand mini-Indy car! Suri supposedly is 'mesmerized' by racing. Right, Cole Trickle... I'm sure this isn't Daddy's obsession spilling over onto his offspring. And even better-- if Suri really stays with the racing thing, he's gonna build a track in the backyard! Why hasn't the mother ship called you back home yet?

2. Sharon Stone

Offense: Talkie too much

She really knows how to pay a compliment. When asked why she thinks Meryl Streep works so much, Sharon said: "Because she looks like a woman we can all relate to." Nicely said! But... Sharon didn't stop there. She proceeded to say that Meryl "looks like an unmade bed." Ugh. You should've stopped while you were ahead. By the way, don't you have to flash your crotch somewhere?

1. Mel Gibson

Offense: Talking

Mel would surely know what it's like to be Tiger Woods. Under all that scrutiny for being a lowdown-dirty-gum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-DOG. Mel feels sorry for Tiger. Boo-fucking-hoo. There are better things to talk about... WAAAAH. We know. But when you can't keep it in your pants and you have to mark your territory like a wild animal across the country, you kinda got it comin' to you. Are you okay with that, Sugar Sack?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Where's the beef?

That really was the question in a South Carolina courtroom recently.

51-year-old Mark (or is that Dork) Zachary of Orangesburg was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His crime-- stealing an $80 slab of meat. This was his 9th shoplifting offense.

Someone's got a problem... or an addiction to USDA Prime.

Anywho, the Assistant Solicitor (sounds dirty) in the case asked "Where's the beef?" in opening statements. Clever. Obviously, the beef thief has no meat between his ears. Guess what his defense was?

"I was massaging the beef, not stealing it."

Wha?!?!

Massaging. Beef. I think he meant the steak. And frankly, I'd rather have him yankin' "it" in the store instead of massaging some beef. I expect you to treat "it" like a joystick. I DO NOT want anyone massaging my beef... not without drinks first-- HA HA!

Nice lam-o attempt at a defense. I'm sure you'll get plenty of meat massaging behind bars. Tool.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

That spot between your ears needs some TLC.....

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat."

-- Napoleon Hill

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 10, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Hurl inducing

Dude's got a Tony Award nomination, but he can't quit the realty TV game. He's dating socialite Tinsley Mortimer for her upcoming CW reality show "Empire State." He might as well just go work for that male brothel in Nevada... By the by, that's not love she's feeling. It's nausea-- like when you eat bad coleslaw.

2. Katie Holmes

Offense: Bordering on lunacy

This fool wants to get a tattoo to show her devotion to her hubby, Tom. She got the bright idea from her BFF Posh Spice, who honored The Becks with one. First of all, way to be a follower! Secondly, even Tom (who's a little nutty himself) thinks it's a bad idea. Whatcha gonna get inked? "Ur the jumper to my couch" or perhaps "Nanu Nanu." That's special.

1. Mariah Carey

Offense: Whack job

She was honored as Breakout Actress at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and ruined it all by giving a drunkass acceptance speech. Drinking and talking NOT her strong suit. Being a pampered, obnoxious princess who looks like a stuffed sausage, IS. Please, go away!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes......... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Why stupid people should NOT reproduce...

... because they make stupid offspring! And unfortunately, The Stoopids are overtaking the planet!

Case in point-- this from Covington, Louisiana.

45-year-old mental midget Tim Williams and his 12-year-old daughter were arrested for an alleged practical joke went wrong. These two thought it'd be a hoot-n-a-holler to drive on the highway in his pickup truck with the girl sitting in the passenger seat bound and gagged with duct tape. Motorists called authorities after seeing the "kidnapping" in progress. Several boxed in Williams' moving pickup truck until police could catch up to them.

Beats playing Parcheesi, I suppose.

Perhaps their original prank idea went sour: "Daddy, why don't you pretend to give me the pickle tickle again?"

Yeah....

xoxo,
RiRi

Really?

SKINNY JEANS

A recent survey from Special K (that crappy cereal) reveals that 29 percent of women say fitting into their "skinny" jeans again would be better than sex.

Say WHAT!?!

29 percent is waaay too high. Maybe one percent. But 29 percent? I know there's some bad ween out there, but when everything evens-out, nothing is better than sex. Sure, lots of money is great. You can buy sex. Chocolate is great. You can slather someone in chocolate and then have sex. Get it? Obviously not since a pair of pants is more exciting than what's inside them!

Fitting back into your skinny jeans could get you sex. Are you gonna turn it down because you just want to strut around all proud in your fuckin' jeans?

Get a grip. Or better yet, get a toy and vibe your brain into remembering why sex rocks.

29 percent... please.

Rant concluded.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Deep thoughts to penetrate your mind...

"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."

-- George Eliot

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi