Celebrity Slap: September 13, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Joanna Krupa

Offense: Sour grapes

This model/actress/air polluter is talking smack about "Dancing With The Stars" pretty boy Maks. Their spat goes back to that stupid show "The Superstars," where Maks won. Crappa says Maks is too impatient to work with anyone on the show, so she's glad she's not partnered with him. Whatever. We'll see how it all goes down on the show. Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? Or your foot? Or some duct tape? Anything that will make you zip it!

2. The Jackson Family

Offense: Beyond tacky

Yes. Jacko had some cash flow issues-- like no cash. But for the family to allow the funeral and after party to be taped? Come on. A&E is gonna use the footage and then there's gonna be a DVD. For sale. It's okay to occasionally draw a line and not step over it. Are you listening, Joe Jackson? Cuz we all know you're the one counting the chump change-- you knave!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Raging hormone

Guess when Johnnie's momma always told him to have a 'plan B' he really took it to heart. Well, actually--to his pants. His Plan B is supposedly Kristin Cavallari. Obviously, he's familiar with her "Hills," spending two years exploring the mountains while each of them were between regrets. I swear, his "little friend" is an act of his own. Perhaps John can do this whole new ventriloquist act, or a street corner pee-pee pantomime, or an illusionist-- watch me disappear into any available crotchal canyon...

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Giggles

The scene: classroom full of first graders

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red=Cherry
Yellow=Lemon
Green=Lime
Orange=Orange

Finally, the teacher gave them all Honey Lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste. So, the teacher gave a clue. "It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled: "Oh, my God! They're assholes!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

To let the Grrrr out in a healthy way, ponder this....

"You must go after your wish. As soon as you start to pursue a dream, your life wakes up and everything has meaning."

-- Barbara Sher

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xox,

RiRi

Oh, Ma! Oh, Pa!

The day after (wasn't that a movie? )... my cousin's wedding.

The ceremony was absolutely breathtaking and picturesque. My cousin looked so handsome with his boyish face, and the bride was beaming.

The trip to the nupitals was a bit harried. Dad did indeed bring his 'bodyguard'-- an old work buddy of his. And yes, he was packin' some heat. Cute little .38! I was smart enough to ride shotgun, because I needed to "assist dad with directions if needed." Plus, the thought of sitting in the backseat with Mom for 45 minutes without alcohol or any place to escape was a punishment no one deserves. My ticket to Heaven has already been punched, so why torture myself?

I knew my Dad was hard of hearing, but I didn't realize I needed to shout. All the time. So, we have mumbling Mom in the backseat trying to converse with Dad, who is shouting and not paying attention to the road. I finally convinced Dad that it was okay to go slightly above the speed limit so we could actually make it to the wedding on time.

Unfortunately, there was time to kill between the wedding and reception. I was gonna hang at the parental ranch, but realized, I needed a break. Whew! Sanity for an hour!

Then the reception. Dad confronted the photographer because everyone was told he never showed to do pictures at one location, and everyone was up-in-arms. Dad barked, "Hey, Asshole, why didn't you show up like you were supposed to, you..." The photog, sensing his impending death, corrected Dad. The limo driver is actually the one who abandoned the newlyweds. Somehow, they made it to the reception via bus. But fear not, we will track down the limo driver and serve a little justice. Dick.

Since Dad's friend was an uninvited guest, my Aunt (mother of the groom) asked who he was. She and my other relatives were waiting for an answer:

Rita: "That's mom's boyfriend. Now that Dad's retired, they've been doing all kinds of freaky things. And they have a lot of latex gloves. So, you know. You're never to old to get your swerve on."

Auntie: "What?"

Rita: "You've read STDs are big with the senior community? I can't believe I had to have the safe sex talk with my parents."

My other relatvies found this funny.... did I mention my Auntie is a strict Baptist. Ooops. Someone was being a smart-ass again!

At least it was open bar. Though I had to settle for Bacardi instead of my buddy the Captain, it did numb the pain of my Mom rambling, stumbling, nearly falling into a candle and "accidentally" grabbing a groomsman's ass.

Thank God I was able to text my bff. She talked me out of walking back home...

Some positives:
1. I got to hear a lot of Dad's "stories" on the way home. I love his stories!
2. I was only asked twice if I had a "man friend," and only once if I wanted to get married again.
3. I will never have to see some of these people again.
4. The whole 9-hour day only sucked one ass ball.

Yaaay!

Now, I need a nap.

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: September 6, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Carrie Prejean

Offense: Opening her mouth

She's suing the Miss California USA organization--again-- this time for discrimination based on her religious beliefs. Yawn. Sigh. Gag. I thought this ninny had faded into the background, but her California-bought boobalas are baaaaack! Enough is enough. Why don't you ask yourself what would Jesus do? You know what Jesus would do? He would tell you to sit down and shut up and quit riding his holy coat tails! That's what Jesus would do!

2. Chris Brown

Offense: Complete and utter stupidity

He and his mommy were on Larry King the other night doing his whole mea culpa tour. Repulsive. Says he's still in love with Rihanna. Of course he is. Abusers are 'in love' with the 'object' they want to 'control.' It's called obsession. He also said he forgot what happened the night he beat her. Whatever. Too bad you didn't get prison time. I would've loved it if Bubba and the sisters used that friggin' baby blue Emmanuel Lewis-lookin' bowtie you were wearing as part of their colon cleanse welcome committee!

1. Spencer Pratt

Offense: Twit

Dude tells US Weekly mag that he's legally changing his name to King Spencer Pratt. And with good reason: because there's a Queen of England and a Prince William, so there needs to be a King of America. What? Spencer, you do know that England is another country, right? This vain, self-absorbed, fugly pimple on the ass of society is indeed the king of a few things: Delusionalville and Smallerweenertown. For the love all good things American. Go. A. Way. Thanks.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!
xoxo,

RiRi

Want some cheese to go with that whine?

This might be the biggest toolbag roaming Planet Earth right now. And trust me, the competition is stiff. This pansy-ass motherf*cker is crying to Us Weekly mag that he "took a lot of abuse" from Kate.

Obviously, not enough. When I watched the show, at first, I did feel sorry for this dolt. Brow beaten all the time by the overbearing Kate. But now I know why-- you're a mouth-breathing, no working, ho-humpin' fool! She abused you?

Check out this quote from the modern day Confucious: "She'll call me, almost like a lame fish. Like I wasn't going anywhere." What in God's name does that mean? You talk like Beavis and Butthead!

If we give you a skirt, a tampon, some Midol and some chocolate will you STFU?

I'd call you a douche, but a douche has some purpose.

Rant concluded. Don't make me get all Old Testament on you....

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

Weddings. A blissful day, celebrating two people who love each each other until "death do us part." It's a day Hallmark and Kleenex love, but others despise.

Like my Dad.

Dad has always been sarcastic, brutally honest and intimidating to most breathing things. Now add "extra deep-fried temper." (and he's medicated!) This is a lethal, yet entertaining combination.

He's been fretting... check that... slow-burning over my cousin's wedding for several reasons.
#1 Why on Labor Day weekend?
#2 Why on a Sunday? And I quote: "Who fucking does that bullshit?"
#3 Why is the "stupid-ass reception an hour away from the wedding, which even isn't in a church, there's no place to park, and it's in that big city on the Northcoast where scumbags live.....?"

It's my little cousin. And honestly, we'll probably never see him again unless someone croaks. He already knows the arrangements are a little... challenging... cuz a few month ago I asked: "Handed your balls over already? Might as well adjust as soon as possible."

So, Dad calls yesterday out of the blue with a proposition.

DAD: What do you think about renting a limo?
Rita: For what?
DAD: This goddamned fucking wedding I don't want to go to. I'm only going because your Mother and you are. (as if he has no free will.)
Rita: Dad-- that would be really expensive.
DAD: That's not what I asked!
Rita: (almost tinkling in her pants) Sure. Whatever you want.
DAD: Well, I'm not driving my car. It's paid off. I don't know where to park. What if someone hits my car? And, we're taking an armed guard with us.
Rita: What?!?! We're not going into Afghanistan or South Central. This isn't Boyz in The Hood. Please.
DAD: There's nothing but scumbags running around that city.
Rita: Seriously? An armed guard.
DAD: I ain't fucking around.

This from the man that was shot twice in Vietnam. This from the man who stabbed one of his co-workers with a fork in the hand because he made a smart-ass comment about me when I was in high school... Dad may be older, but he's still very large and very much in charge. (As Dad would say: "I may be too old to kick your ass, but you better believe I'm still thinking about it.")

Dad changed his mind about the limo. That's a whole different story.... So, Dad will drive us all to the blessed event... of course, now that he drives completely at the speed limit, it may take a while to get there. I am praying that the reception is open bar. Dad bitchin'; Mom trying to find me a man.... yeah... to quote a friend of mine: "that sucks ass balls." I don't really know what those are or what that means, but I'm presuming it will.

Be kind. Say a prayer.

xoxo,
RiRi