Celebrity Slap: May 10, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like Momma would.

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Drinking and Jack-ing

Oh, Dear Keifer. What are we going to do with you!?! It warms my heart to know that chivalry is not dead. But headbutting some dude because you think he was rude to Brooke Shields? Puh-leeze. As hard as it is to believe, you are NOT Jack Bauer. So keep that in mind when I spank you, because if you have to go to jail again and leave me without another season of "24," I will be forced to call up my Asian friends and have them unleash a whole lotta pain on you. Fear the yellow!

2. Bristol Palin

Offense: Unable to keep her legs shut so now we have to deal with her

I'm down with the whole no admittance to "Pleasure Town" thing. But it's important to stick with your story. Don't say abstinence is unrealistic, then talk about how it's the only choice. There ARE choices. Like when in the moment he says "But it doesn't feel as good when I wear one." You tell him, "Neither do the calluses on your palms. Pick one." See? Choices. Remember your cries of ABSTINENCE the next time some hockey player with a nice stick looks your way.

1. Shia LaBeouf

Offense: EWWWWWW!

Admiring one's mother is awesome. Saying if you could meet your mom and marry her you would becasue she's the sexiest woman you know-- is creeptastic! Yes, you had quite the free-love upbringing, but even free-lovers have standards. I can see it now: Shia suckling from his momma's teet at the tender age of 17, while stoner dad is playing butt-bongo on the neigborlady. Remember, Shia, you came out of your momma's womb for a reason. There is no re-entry!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!