Celebrity Slap: April 25, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Booze hound

I think you totally rock, but... the excessive boozing is NOT cool. You've gotten into fights, defended Brooke Shields' honor, knocked over a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby-- and now-- taking your shirt off at a strip club. Keep this up, and Jack Bauer is gonna have moobs and a beer gut as his not-so-secret weapons. Ick.

2. Shaq

Offense: Shameless

Really? Having your 6-year-old make a death threat to your ex-wife's boyfriend? Completely unacceptable. I love ya, man, but you can't involve your kids in your bullshit. Plus, you're Shaq Fu! Aren't you man enough to make your own threats? Or is that a skirt I see hangin' in your locker?

1. Steven Seagal

Offense: Repulsive

With all the disgusting revelations coming out, it gives a whole new meaning to your movie "Fire Down Below." Anywho... I know you're from Michigan and all, but can't you run better game? Fondling a woman's breasts and saying you're "checking for lumps" would be like us grabbing your crotchal area saying we're looking for some marbles. And making women take off your shoes? Gross. You're just as greasy as your ponytail, LawDouche. A 5-day-old bologna sandwich with mouldy feta cheese and pickle juice is more appealing than you. Of course, it probably smells as bad as your feet....

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April *something* Edition

(Better late than never... recovering from Reese's PB Egg OD)

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Will Smith

Offense: Out of touch

I completely understand wanting artistic control over a project. But then there's you. Causing all kinds of problems on the set of YOUR TV SHOW "Hawthorne"... which stars your wife and you produce. Holding up production with demands for massive rewrites... making people unhappy. I hope DJ Jazzy Jeff is sticking pins in your voodoo doll right now!

2. Donald Trump

Offense: Out of line

The Donald running his mouth-- all up-in-arms that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to TV. He called her a 'loser' and a 'failure.' Wow. He just won't let their feud die. I think it's: A. A bromance in the making or B. Deep-seeded self-hate. Upon further examination, Rosie is kind of the male version of The Donald-- only with a bigger 'package' and better hair!

1. Ryan Seacrest

Offense: Out of bounds

Oh, Ryan. A probing journalist you're not. So stop pretending to be one. In one of the most awkward moments on Idol, Ryan kept badgering Didi Benami to confess why she got so emotional during the song she sang. She kept refusing to answer. More refusing. And Ryan kept asking. Idiot. That'd be like us asking over and over when you're gonna pull a Ricky Martin and just jump out of that closet! (We know it's gonna happen one day, and that's okay.) I hope a bird poops on your perfectly coiffed hair!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

What up, dawg?

From the beloved four-legged family member:

=====================

Me and my buddies were sniffing around the yard the other day, and we're angry! We are tired of you humans calling cheaters 'dogs.'

How insulting!

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Dogs? They aren't good enough to be us! Dogs are loyal. Once we get our junk fixed, we only occasionally hop on a table leg or my grandma (she's as tall as I am so I think she's a toy.) We're always good to our companions. We obey. We snuggle. We follow. We're always happy to see you, even if you're gone for 2 seconds! And dogs are not "low-down-dirty." I may not be as tall as you, but I'm always clean. Mom gets me groomed (I don't really like it, though.)

So, the next time you want to point out how awful some male human is behaving, call him a cat. Because we all know cats are pussies.

I feel better now...

Mental Massage

Time to soothe that weary mind of yours...

"Never let yesterday use up too much of today."

-- Will Rogers

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelor Jake

Offense: Douchebag

Though he's proposed to Vienna, Jake still thinks he can rehab the world with his ween. Every chance he gets, he hits on another woman-- cuz he's THAT special. Gag. Yes, you're a hottie. We get it. But that doesn't mean all females are soooo overcome by your man-ness that we immediately flop down with our legs up in the air. Get over yourself!

2. Rielle Hunter

Offense: Ignorant ho

Nothing flames me more than when a mistress claims she has compassion for the wife. Really? Then how 'bout you keep a low profile and shut your trap! That would be refreshing! Rielle feels sorry for Elizabeth's pain, but then goes on to say her love for "Johnny" Edwards is forever. Blah, blah, blah. She thinks we don't know the real Rielle-- a shallow, fame-seeking, skankasoraus!

1. Jesse James

Offense: Fool

Men are dogs. Haven't we covered this already? But there's this thing called responsibility and self-control.... and keeping your word. What's even more sickening is that Sandra went on TV and praised you for always "having her back." No wonder you were crying during her acceptance speech-- you knew your ass was grass! Shame. On. You. Your wife goes off to make some money while you're riding some trampola like a hippity-hop!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Speechless...

but not wordless...


DONNA SIMPSON, DF (Dumb Fuck)

For the past few weeks, I've tried to become a "kinder, gentler Rita." Well, fuck that noize. It's because of assholes like this sick twist from New Jersey (shocking, I know) that I must vent.

Donna's goal in life is not to be an outstanding mother, tree hugger or "most loving fatty."

No. Her goal is to the World's Fattest Woman. Bitch already weighs 600 pounds and her goal is to double her size in the next two years.

But that's not the most repulsive part. She wants you and me to pay for her food bills.

What. The. FUCK!?!?

She's got the audacity to have a website in which she asks for our help in making her a disgrace to humanity. Her food bills for her alone is over 3-grand a month.

Anyone who donates to this woman's cause needs to be immediately booted off the planet or charged with attempted murder.

I'd call Donna a pig, but pigs are cute and cuddly.

I'd call Donna stupid, but stupid people have SOME brain function.

I'd call Donna a douche, but a douche has purpose.

So... I'll just say you're one of God's special creatures. Emphasis on creature. I hope you don't accidentally sit on one of your kids and suffocate them.

By the way, I need a car cover. Can I borrow your panties? Vurp....

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Sean Penn

Offense: Disgrace to men

He was thrown out of the Governor's Ball after the Oscars for allegedly punching one of "The Hurt Locker" producers for dating his ex-wife, Robin Wright. Heaven forbid she move on from your hot-headed, immature, sorry, fooltastic self! You're the one who waffled back and forth between getting divorced, then calling it off like some wishy-washy schoolgirl. Stick to acting. because behaving like a gentleman is something you're incapable of!

2. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Delusional

This wack-job is suing E*Trade for one-hundred million dollars for their "Milkaholic" commercial because they named one of the babies Lindsay-- which clearly means they meant "Lohan." She says she's a single-name phenonmenon like Madonna and Oprah and she's hurt at the implication that she has loose morals. What mother-fucking-bizarro world did we wake up in!?!? Had the baby been named "Ho" or "Insane" or "Bipolar" then we would've known for sure it was you. Stop giving crazy people a bad rap!

1. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Egomaniacal waste of space

She says she and her BF Liam Hemsworth are "deeper than normal people." She says they think and feel deeper than you and I do. Because truly deep people need to let everyone else know how great they are! The only deep thing about you is the shit you're shovelling... and your daddy's mullet. That's pretty deep. I bet you can't even spell "deep," you mouth-breathing, hillbilly, no-talent twit!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Some mind lovin' on the way...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Janice Dickinson

Offense: Self-absorbed

This so-called "World's First-Ever Supermodel" wants her own reality TV show so she can find some young stud to 'wait on her hand and foot.' In reality, it'd be more like some dude wiping her ass and feeding her oatmeal since she's the sister of Father Time! Beware, studs-- her crotchal area is probably like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go there, you'll be lost forever!

2. Cameron Douglas

Offense: Whiny biotch

He says he's not to blame for his drugging and trouble-making because he was born to Michael Douglas--a wealthy and famous man-- and therefore, his life was too difficult. (cue dramatic music) He was hurt in a variety of ways: "So don't blame me. I didn't ask to be born." WAAAAHHHH! By the way, we're equally sorry you were born-- cuz we have to pay for your cry-baby ass while you're in prison ... and, you're breathing our good air! You've been evicted to Stupid Planet!

1. The Nation of China

Offense: Antiquated

These fools adore Tiger Woods because they say the true sign of a man's success is how many mistresses he has. Please. It shows how stupid a man is because he's gonna have to pay for them all one way or another. No wonder y'all are so good at math-- you need to keep track of all your tramps! Don't mind if I Kung Pao you in the collective junk!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time to recharge that thing between your ears...

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ryan Phillippe

Offense: Dirty Cheater

He cheated on ex-wife Reese Witherspoon and now on Abbie Cornish-- his former mistress by the way. That makes my head hurt. Anywho... Sorry, Abbie. You know the saying: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." I really don't know who'd be interested in this below-average actor, cuz he ain't "all that." He looks like the offspring of Bozo the Clown and Carrot Top.

2. ESPN's Tony Kornheiser

Offense: Lacking tact

Dude went-off on air about fellow anchor Hannah Storm's outfit. He thought her shirt was too tight, saying it looked like she had sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I love how the fashion backward feel qualified to vilify. Face it. You're just jealous because her 'sausage' is bigger than yours.

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Clueless fool

Tiger can't understand why Elin doesn't want to take a family photo with him. She's probably afraid she's gonna get some kind of skank rabies from you! It may be hard to hear or believe, but you can't snap your fingers and have your world return to normal. The only thing you CAN get when you snap your fingers is some tramp's legs flying open.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Birdophile

Doesn't she look like a sweet granny?

If you've got cataracts and think a double-wide is a mansion....

Meet Donna Louise Greenwell (by the by, only serial killers and rednecks go by two first names)

a Louisiana skank who sold two children under the age of 6 for... wait for it... an exotic bird and $175. I guess an even $200 would've broken the bank.

I can just hear it now. A thought fragment bouncing around the space between her ears:

"Dem thur talkin' burds is cool. I got this hur nest on my head yins cans sleep thur."

Is she a birdophile? Nothin' gets her granny panties all moist like Toucan Sam... WTF?

Fortunately, she was sentenced to 15 months hard labor. So were the two twits that made the deal with her.

Who wakes up one morning and thinks this is a great idea? Obviously, oversized Funyun-eating-KMart-polyester-pant-wearin-fucks do....

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. Bitch got more chins than a Chinese phone book.... yeah. I went there.

Mental Massage

Catch this positivity wave...

"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions."

-- Albert Einstein

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Simon Monjack

Offense: Shady

Brittany Murphy's devastated widower thought he would honor his departed wife with a charity established in her name. Minor detail-- you need to file the appropriate paperwork to really make it a charity. Otherwise, it looks like you're taking advantage of people. You wouldn't do that, would you? Nothing like turning grief into opportunity. Your last name should be Monjackal.

2. Jillian Michaels

Offense: Scam artist

I dig that you're a bad-ass and you yell at people and make 'em hurt... it's kinda hot.... But I'm starting to get suspicious that you're not "all that" considering three lawsuits filed against you in two weeks. Don't you do a little research to make sure that the ingredients in your fat burning pills are acutally safe? I guess turning a fast buck on the plump booties of America is all that really matters. I'm praying to the gods that one day you wake up and your ass is bigger than your head-- if that's possible!

1. Heather Mills

Offense: Pathetic

She dragged Sir Paul through the mud, made up wild stories that she feared for her life... So, to get rid of this psycho, she got 50-million dollars in her divorce settlement two years ago. And now-- she broke! 50. Million. Dollars. What!?! She claims she gave most of the money away and invested in real estate for her daughter's future. Riiight. You're not that generous or smart. I think she blew it on custom-made brooms for her to ride on. Stupid bitch.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Positive vibes for a more positive you...

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Legal

HAPPY 18TH, TAYLOR!

Come to momma for your spankin'... ha ha!

xoxo,

RiRi

Panic at the Disco... kinda

The band "The Vibrators" NOT performing at a Spanish disco... but the Energizer Bunny kind sure did!

Woo hoo!

The first 400 girls at the door who paid the cover got a night of good vibrations!

Except promoters there call vibes "consolers." Guess that's accurate. Reason #95 why a vibe is better than a guy: You get what you want then you can shove it back in a drawer. Try that with a guy, and it's called 'abuse.' Whatever...

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes you need a little mental motivation...

"Beware of the thoughts you keep, because everything in reality manifests from the mind."

-- Justin Palmer

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi