The Happiest Place on Earth

Yeah... this squirrel is pretty damn lucky. He's got the best bling in da hood! But I wonder if he's afraid of suffocating? Maybe it's some kinky squirrel-sex-thing.

xoxo,
RiRi

I submit!

Dear Kettlebell....
You worked me over the other day. Easy moves; only a few reps... I woke up crying for my mommy. Kudos to you, for you have made me your bitch.
xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes our weary brains need a little positive jump start....

"Everyone wants to be appreciated. So, if you appreciate someone, don't keep it a secret."

-- Mary Kay Ash

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: June 28, 2009 Extended Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

I decided to for once be respectful of a holiday, and took last week off (though Dad would've totally approved of any sort of ass-whoppin.) So, here is your extended list of offenders.

5. Russell Crowe

Offense: Diva bitch-boy

Major dramz on the set of his latest flick "Robin Hood." He's been butting heads with director Ridley Scott. They refuse to talk to each other, causing movie execs to have to mediate. On top of that, Russy wants a private helicopter to fly him to the set every day and he wants the script rewritten so he can get more face time. I think the last thing we need is more face time, gut time and wide-ass time with CrHOwe. He should instead be asking for Photoshop, contouring makeup and a slimming angle for his expanding girth. "Robin Hood, Prince of Cream Sticks" should be the title of his new flick. And by the by-- here's a skirt and a tampon, Gladiator wuss. Get over yourself!

4. Sienna Miller

Offense: Buying your own bullshit

She was quoted in a recent issue of Vogue mag saying: "I've actually never been taken on a date in my whole life. I have never had a one-night stand. I'm a relationship person." Totally true! Why would a dude date you when he can bend you over the hood of his car? Why bother to throw away money on you when you're a "sure thing?" And yes, you are a relationship person. There isn't a swingin' dick within a 50 mile radius that you wouldn't like to relate (or is that fellate) to with, in, on. I'm so sorry you are misunderstood. Now, everyone get ready-- the next expedition of her cavernous vaj begins in t-minus three minutes. Get out your miner's helmet, surgical mask and full-body condom.

3. The Palins

Offense: Douchiness

The First Tw*t of Alaska and her family are very upset that David Letterman made a joke about one of the Palin girls. Something about getting knocked up by A-Rod. They twisted his JOKE and accused him of condoning the rape of a minor. Then, they tried to get him fired. For making a joke. A joke like every other comedian with a platform made. What. The. F*ck. Seriously. Didn't your teenage daughter become familiar with the ween and get herself preggers? Didn't Ms. Governor get preggers and had to get married? Didn't SP service a Big Brown grizzle while a moose sniffed her ass? Oh, wait. That's coming out on video soon. Advice: shut your legs and your mouth. Cuts down on global warming.

2. Katie Lee

Offense: Duh!

Katie Lee is the soon-to-be ex-wifey of Billy Joel. They decided to end their union based on their age difference. Hello? Wasn't there the same age gap when you got married 7 years ago? Did you think the 33-year age difference would shorten-up as each year went along? Katie is all upset because she wants to go out to clubs and Billy wants to fish and stay home. Idiot. And how do you even get turned on by someone who's old enough to be your dad? Really. Are you down with the saggy scrot and hair sprouting from strange places? Or were you hoping to f*ck him into a heartattack, then take his money? Whoops! Didn't work out, did it?

1. Paris Hilton

Offense: Fool

Ms. Shit-for-brains commited the ultimate fashion faux paus the other week. She wore a bikini for a photo shoot for her new show "My New BFF" in Dubai. Bikini. Dubai. Middle East. She literally defines "dumb f*ck." Hilty made this big ol' public speech about how she loved the Middle East and respects its culture, which by the way, is NOT down with the whole showing women's bodies or faces! I would love it if they threw her in jail. That's what a bitch needs-- REAL punishment. Like, cane-your-ass-cut-off-your-hands punishment. Hhhhmmm, the thought of her permanent silence is quite tantalizing.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. Slaaaaaap!

xoxo,

RiRi

ShaBron

ShaBron

Can we get it done now?

The Cavs get Shaq from The Suns in exhange for Ben Wallace, Sasha P, cash and their draft pick.

Works for me. Let's see it work come November-June!

xoxo,
RiRi

P.S. I don't wanna have to get all Shaq-Fu on Shaq! lol

What I want for Christmas

Dear Santa...
I know Christmas is a little over six months away, but I wanted to get my request in early. I know I'm an adult (that's what my driver's license says) and I should be asking for things like world peace and an end to hunger. I'm down with all that. But I need my own Edward. You've seen from the North Pole how very few good men are left. Most are married, gay or cheaters, or are stalking losers who still live with their mommas. So, my own personal Edward Cullen would be wonderful.
Yes, I am delusional. I'm okay with that. And so I don't look too freaky, please throw in that Bella doll as well.
I've been a fairly good girl. I don't smoke. I workout. I don't drink too much. I've cut the fucking swearing down a lot this shitbag year, and I've gone green in many areas of my life.
So give a sista mutha-friggin' Barbie.

Thanks in advance.

xoxo,
RiRi

Oh, Ma! Oh, Pa!

It's tradition. The folks come over for any and all holidays, and I cook up a storm. It was no different this Father's Day. We ate. We talked. We laughed. All was well in the world.

It's tradition. Mom and Dad bring back the Tupperware they took leftovers in from the last feast so I can pile more nummies for them to take back home. Usually, my parents throw a bunch of other stuff in the bag: a bottle of Diet Coke; magazines Mom subscribes to but never reads; random clothing items...

But this one takes the cake. For some reason, latex medical gloves were in the bag. I was afraid to ask why. My mind started swirling: Is this a reminder of how I should've stuck with being a doctor instead of dabbler-in-all-things-but-master-of-nothing? Is there a new Father's Day tradition where I'm supposed to check Dad's prostate? And WhyTF do my 'rents have latex gloves in the first place? Are they really playing doctor? Do they break open a box of wine and look at each other's sphincters on a Saturday night?

Needless to say, I needed the box of wine... I might sprout some balls and ask them what the dealio is. But I'm not sure if I really want to know the answer. Cuz really, who just happens to have a box of latex gloves laying around besides a doctor and a hooker?

Oh, God! I know Dad's overtime hours got cut....

Vurp.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sending some soul-soothing positive vibrations through your grey matter....

"Progress always involves risks. You can't steal second base and keep your foot on first."

Fredrick Wilcox/Writer

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Pandemic

MONDAYS

That's the real pandemic. And it's been around for a waaay long time.

The signs of Monday include:

chills

depression

I-just-had-bad-fish feeling in your stomach

crankiness

irritability

wanting to possibly punch your boss in the face

looking at the clock and saying: "______ hours from now, I'll be at work," followed by sobbing.

This pandemic affects a lot of people. It knows no gender, age or race. Everyone is susceptible.

The cure:

Tuesday

rum

sunshine

vacation

winning the lottery

If you or anyone you know has any of these symptoms, seek the bottom of a bottle immediately.

This has been a public health warning from Dr. Riter.

Mental Massage

Soothing your weary mind with some positivity...

"Every exit is an entrance somewhere else."

--Tom Stoppard

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: June 12, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. 2009 Playmate of the Year Ida Ljungqvist

Offense: Scamming Ho

The newest cover girl-bimbette is accused of conspiring with her boyfried to steal his ex-wife's child support. The ex claims Mr. Douchetastic owes her 10 Grand a month and was trying to hide the money by giving it to Skankerina in the form of gifts. Nice. Ida's response: "I didn't know anything." Sure! Being a ho is one thing. Being a ho that steals from the mouths of children is something else. May you wake up one morning to find that your boobalas have deflated!

2. Pete Wentz

Offense: Classless dog

Pete and wife Ashlee were leaving his 30th birthday celebration when a photog snapped a picture without permission. Homeslice got upset and spat in the dude's face. Double-icky-eeew! What backwards holler did you grow up in? After Ashlee's drunken near-catfight last week, I can see why these two are meant for each other. They are fellow Redneckians at heart.

1. NBC

Offense: Network from Hell

This entire 'I'm a Celebrity...' mess needs to go. Yes, you're getting ratings because some Americans are sheep. They'll watch anything-- like that fake fireplace DVD. First of all, your choice in 'celebrities' bites. Secondly, it's a played-out concept. Hasn't some network done this already? If you want a compelling show, get some network executives, put some raw meat in their pockets, and make them run across a field while a pack of dogs chases after them. Hhhmmmm... I smell a million dollar idea here!

Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAPPPP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Treasure Hunt

My neighbors are having a yard sale. Started yesterday, and I'm assuming the parade of treasure-seekers will flow in and out of the hood through Sunday. The barrage of vehicles is driving my Al nuts-- who believes this is his neighborhood and has alerted me to every single tresspasser thus far. Needless to say, it's challenging to get into a writing groove-- but I'm a pro. lol

I've never understood the fascination for some concerning yard sales. Sure, I'm a bargain shopper. You've seen some of my finds on previous posts. But seriously-- I. Don't. Want. Other. People's. Shit.

Did you get that? No matter how you try to spin it-- You are buying someone else's shit. To add to your shit. And before you know it, you're gonna have a yard sale to resell the shit you bought from the yard sale you went to. You aren't gonna find a "treasure." A "pot of gold." A rare "gem." Those stories are few and far between. It's shit. Pure and simple. It's clothes and furniture someone else farted in, pissed in, threw up in, scratched their gnads with, wiped their dog's ass with, broke, f*cked on......

And by the by, don't park in front of my mail box. If the postman can't deliver my mail because you're looking to buy useless shit, I'm gonna get medieval on your ass. Thanks.

xoxo,
RiRi

Award Winner

DAVID BECKHAM

Today's GAWD-D*MN award.

You've never made baby oil and tighty "whities" look better. (Yes, I realize his junk cover is black!)

Victoria is a lucky woman. Bitch.

xoxo,

RiRi

"The Little Merman"

Ladies and Gentlemen: allow me to introduce you to KEVIN L. MILLER.

Also known as, "The Little Merman."

By Jeremy P. Kelley
Staff Writer Updated 4:05 PM Tuesday, June 9, 2009

A Sugarcreek Twp. man pleaded not guilty Tuesday, June 9, to five counts of public indecency and three counts of menacing, all misdemeanors, after police say he harassed several people over the span of a week while wearing a women’s swimsuit.

Kevin L. Miller, 41, of Washington Mill Road, remains in the Greene County Jail after Judge Michael Murry set bond at $10,000. Miller was arraigned in Xenia Municipal Court via video conference Tuesday morning.

Murry told Miller that if he posts bond, he must immediately report to the probation office for pretrial monitoring. If he does not post bond, a pretrial hearing is expected within two weeks.

Xenia Prosecutor Ron Lewis said Miller was charged with menacing because he chased people in a few of the incidents. Lewis said in one case, Miller swam into the Little Miami River chasing after two women who were canoeing, and in another case Miller chased two juveniles who were coming back from an ice cream shop.

Lewis said the public indecency charges came because Miller partially exposed himself to some people while wearing the women’s swimsuit. Lewis said Miller has a 2008 conviction for disorderly conduct that had nothing to do with the current situation. Sugarcreek Police Sgt. Mark White said Miller has lived on Washington Mill for about three years, and the disorderly conduct case was the police department’s only previous contact with him.

Most of the incidents that resulted in the current charges occurred June 2 and June 3, although Miller was seen in a swimsuit multiple times over the past week along Washington Mill Road and the adjacent Little Miami River. Miller was arrested Monday evening in a green, one-piece swimsuit.

“He said he just wanted to harass people to get a response because, to him, it was the thing to do,” White said. “ But we don’t believe he was being honest about his motives.”

Lewis said two victims picked Miller out of a photo lineup, and White said police found a tent on Miller’s Washington Mill property that contained numerous swimsuits. White reiterated that Miller did not physically harm anyone.

“But we still have to treat this seriously,” he said. “We’re very happy we got him off the street before anything serious happened.”

================

Some thoughts:

1. Green is NOT your color.

2. Nice rack. I'd be slightly jealous if you didn't totally FREAK ME OUT, SICKO!

3. I believe someone's gotten a Brazilian!

4. You might want to do a spray tan. Two-tone skin coloring-- not so zexy.

5. Were you mistakenly auditioning for Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video?

xoxo,

RiRi

Jonesin'

Sorry, Diet Coke.

I'm steppin' out on you. No, actually... it's love. True love. I'm insatiable. I just can't get enough of Diet Sierra Mist Ruby Splash. While I'm all over "him" like white-on-rice, you, Diet Coke, go unnoticed in my fridge.

To quote the great musicologists En Vogue: "I had to have him morning, noon and night."

Refreshment, your name is Diet Sierra Mist Ruby Splash. While that won't fit so well on a t-shirt, it fits just fine across my sugar-free heart.

Splash on!

xoxo,

RiRi Ruby

NOT a porn title

STUD MUFFIN DENIM

Starring...

Me. This is the Kathy Van Zeeland purse I could NOT resist today. I have become a bonafide fan of her handbags. This is my second. When she first hit the scene, I wasn't keen on her line. Way too gaudy, junky, cheesy... but now, it fits just right.

From my "down under" to you, down-under-woman. Kathy Van Zeeland, this tingle's for you!

xoxo,

The Fabulous Mizz Riter

Mental Massage

The mind is weary... thirsty for some positivity.

"Only passions, great passions, can elevate the soul to great things."

--Denis Diderot

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Champion

Reasons why the Swiss rock:
1. Swiss Miss cocoa
2. The cheese
3. Roger Federer

Congrats on snagging a career Grand Slam with a win in the French Open. You are a tennis legend.

Now, take your shirt off.

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: June 7, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ashlee Simpson

Offense: Stupid wench

Proof-positive that everything from Texas is bigger, cuz she takes tramp-dome to a new level. Ashlee and Pete were at a charity event when she decided to get drunk, give Pete a lap dance, then trash-talk his ex-girlfriend saying: "I hope you know the whole time you were dating Pete, I was f*cking him." Niiiice. To quote the great philospher Ron Burgandy, "You stay classy, Ashlee Simpson."

2. Jennifer Love Hewitt

Offense: Reeking of desperation

She was engaged just last year to a dude who dropped her like a hot potato cuz she was too clingy. Guess what? Lesson not learned. With rumors swirling that she and Jamie Kennedy are engaged, she needed to set the record straight. They AREN'T engaged, but if they aren't "planning something by this time next year-- there's a situation." Yeah, there's a situation all right. You're acting like a psycho who needs to hurry up and get married so you can have someone draw your sitz bath and cut up your cheese sandwiches for you when you get really old. Why don't you have one of those ghosts on your show help you find your self worth!

1. Melissa Joan Hart

Offense: Lacking humanity

Sometimes one's inner thoughts should stay inside. Deep inside. Like in that dark hole where Melissa Joan Hart's heart used to be. While appearing on a TV show, she was overheard saying she hoped Farrah Fawcett would hold-off on dying for a week so that she could keep her cover of "People" magazine. Because her bikini body is way more important that the story of a woman valiantly fighting cancer. This might possibly be the most repulsive thing I've ever heard. Melissa Joan Hartless now joins Heather Mills. You've been served-- hand your ovaries back, cuz you're out of the club!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Addiction

Nice to know I'm not the only full-grown woman addicted to the Twilight saga. While stimulating the economy at Yankee Candle the other day, I happened across kindred candle junkies/Twihards. We rapped like a bunch of schoolgirls!

PONYTAIL WOMAN

Oh, my God I think Edward is so hot!

SALES ASSOCIATE

I know! My husband yelled at me because I wanted to hang a Twilight poster in our bedroom. He said "You're 36-years-old. We don't hang posters in our bedrooms anymore."

Rita, who spies the ponytail woman's Twilight bag, enters the gabfest.

RITA

If he doesn't let you hang up the poster, just wash his underwear in Spic-n-Span. He'll come around real fast when his fun marbles are on fire.

PONYTAIL WOMAN

I like that! (a beat) Are you a Twilight fan, too?

RITA

Oh, yeah! I would love to find a vampire like Edward! I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who has impure thoughts about him.

SALES ASSOCIATE

I know! And we're old enough to be his mother.

RITA

No we're not! We're old enough to be his babysitter. Think how much fun that could be! We know more things than those younger girls do....

=================

We all agreed we can't wait to see New Moon. If some tweeny-thing tries to get between me and a good seat at the theater, I just might have to throw her a 'bow. Hey-- that's what we old broads do. lol...

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

I love my mother. Really, I do. Every year on my birthday, she reminds me how childbirth gave her hemorrhoids. She also shares the cherished memory of looking at me for the first time: "I cried! You were so ugly with black hair sticking up everywhere. I cried to God asking him why he gave me such an ugly baby."

Paging Hallmark, anyone?

Despite mom's lack of tact (which I inherited) and her repulsion-convulsion, mom rocks. She's like the Tazmainian Devil-- a small, yet powerful whirling dirvish of sass. Grown men fear her, and rightfully so.

But like any mother, she has the tendency to push those hot buttons. Sometimes, she'll just blurt out her displeasure. Sometimes, she'll suck in her unsuspecting child before blindsiding you with her displeasure. Either way, moms always have a way of making you feel like you're 12-years-old.

And, I mean this with all due respect. My mom is the consumate orginal mind f**king drama queen. She can get over on you like a fat kid on dollar dog night. But I digress.

Mom is fixated (today) on me finding a Mister Me. Subtlety is NOT in her vocabulary.

======================

INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE (ESTAB) AFTERNOON

Rita and Mom are at the receptionist's station. Rita steadys Mom, who is a tiny, skinny thing. She looks frail and weak.... until she opens her mouth.

MOM

(to receptionist)

I was curious. Is Doctor Barker single?

Rita cringes, knows exactly where this is going.

RECEPTIONIST

No, Mrs. Riter. He's married.

MOM

That's too bad. He's so good-looking. I thought he'd be perfect for my little Rita.

Receptionist gives Rita that "I-feel-your-pain-mom-is-embarassing-you-look." Rita, who never blushes, starts to feel warm. Prays to God Mom would hurry up and pay her damned bill.

I love babies. Always have. All I want is a grandchild. Just one. But who knows. I might die before it happens.

Rita is mortified. Mom is now going public with her nagging. She turns to Rita.

MOM

I just want you to find a good man with a good job. He doesn't have to be rich. He just needs to have a good job and be nice to you. That's all. Then I can die.

Rita hustles mom out of the doctor's office, contemplates downing a bottle of rum when she gets home.

===================

Talk about a Catch 22...

And the Oscar goes to...

xoxo,

RiRi

Don't mess with Yellow.

Beijing, China

66-year-old Lian Jiansheng (translated in English-- Don't f*ck with me) shoved a suicidal man off of a bridge.

Why? Because the dude made drivers wait for five hours!

Chen Fuchao, who wanted to evict himself from planet Earth because of massive debt, landed on an emergency air cushion that authorities had laid out for him. He suffered some minor injuries.

Whew!

Meanwhile, Mr. Angry Rangoon was arrested. Asked why he pushed the man, Lian said "jumpers like Chen are very selfish. Their actions violate a lot of public interests."

Such as?

Moral to the story: Mess with the Yellow, get the chopsticks.

xoxo,

RiRi

Lick this!

I smell a trend here!

I haven't had a popsicle since I was "this" tall.... but I am surely reconsidering, thanks to Del Monte. The company asked a bunch o' British ladies who they'd like to put their lips on. The winner:

Daniel Craig

And not just an "average" Daniel... it's the Daniel emerging from the water in "Casino Royale." You know, all ripped... and junk...

Oh, my...

INT. LIVING ROOM (ESTAB) EVENING

Rita lights some candles, rips open her best box of wine. She looks mighty fine in her Hanes Her Way.

She spies a box of popsicles. Not just any popsicles, though. Daniel. Craig. Popsicles. She frantically tears the paper off of a popsicle, devours the cranberry Daniel.

A satiated look spreads across Rita's face. She picks up the phone, dials her best friend.

RITA

Guess what? (a beat) I just had Daniel Craig.... (a beat).... For REAL!

==============

Now, if Del Monte could make popsicles for Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Robert Pattinson... see the pattern, DM? You could RULE the popsicle world!

Another suggestion... a life-size fruit sculpture of a Hollywood hottie. Imagine some randy broad sticking her face right in the bananas...

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

MEL B

Today's GAWD-D*MN award.

We salute you, Mel B. Nothing "scary" about those abs. Just pure hawtness!

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sending some positive vibes to soothe your weary mind...

"We've all heard that we have to learn from our mistakes, but I think it's more important to learn from successes. If you learn only from your mistakes, you are inclined to learn only errors."

-- Norman Vincent Peale1898-1993, Pastor and Author

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi