Mental Massage

Time to cancel out the noise with something more uplifting...

"Never look down to test the ground before taking your next step; only he who keeps his eye eye fixed on the far horizon will find the right road."

--Dag Hammarskjold

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

RAFAEL NADAL

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

Hope to see much of your hard body on the hard courts of the U.S. Open!

Gulp.

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 30, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Redmond O'Neal

Offense: Cellophane bitch-boy

This spoon-fed, soft-faced tool has signed a reality TV deal to chronicle his struggles with addiction. It has nothing to do with the fact that he won't get Farrah's money unless he's clean. In fact, "Redmond wants to do this to honor his Mother." Are you really buying your own bullshit? Seriously. You can't. That line ranks right up there with: "I'll respect you in the morning." Uh, we ain't buying it, Mr. Pansy-Pants!

2. Britney Spears

Offense: Idiot

She's got her life together. She looks good. She has her kids around her and a dude who's not a scrub. Yet, her inner white-trash, toxic-dump other half is still jonesin' for some Adnan Ghalib. Why? This dude is not only supremely douchy, but he looks like yesterday's leftover schwarma. He just wants to use you for your money and your funbags, then drop you like a dirty dish rag. Wake up!

3. Paula Abdul

Offense: Self-absorbed twit

She was supposed to guest star on 'Ugly Betty' but they couldn't handle her list of demands. So, they said bye-bye to her. She actually asked for a private jet to fly her overly-medicated bootay around! Really, who do you think you are? A good singer? Nope. Actress? Not really. "Inspiration to the universe of pretty unicorns and brave flowers on a dewy morning"... Rambling. That's what you're good at. If you're not careful, MC Skat Kat and his buddies Mr. Peanut and Chester Cheetah are gonna corner you and teach you some manners! Straight up, drama queen!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

The Double Bypass

Oooh, my belly is grumblin'. I know what'll hit the spot like a ton of bricks:

KFC's "Double Down"

Fitting name. Talk about taking a gamble with your health! I guess they figured they could test-run this "sandwich" since they "done good" already with laying out that faux-grilled chicken stuff.

The Double Down is two fried chicken patties with cheese, bacon, and the Colonel's special sauce in between. First of all, the Colonel is dead. I don't want to know where you've been keeping his sauce all these years. Second of all, I'm over hearing about anyone's special sauce.

The PR peeps claim this concoction is 590 calories and 31 grams of fat. Excuse me, but my bullshit alarm just went off. Maybe in space where there's no gravity, that might be true. I'm no contestant on Biggest Loser or anything, but this baby has to be at least 1,200 calories and 70 grams of fat.

But that's not what gets me about this heartattack in a bag. You know someone is gonna roll up in the drive thru and say: "I'd like the Double Down Meal Deal... And make it a Diet Coke."

The KFC Double Down. Feel your..... aorta..... slooooooooooooowiing.... dow....

Mr. Riter

Pure Zexy-ness...

This fine hunk of man meat is Raymond Lawrence Robertson. Caused a bit of a commotion Sunday in Williams, Oregon. Thought it would be fun to barricade himself in his van (most likely one of those 'molestor' Astro vans,) and threaten residents.

Did I mention he stripped. Like, naked. Nobody wants to see this guy's "grapes of wrath" or any other drooppy, dangly hang-low thing. I probably shouldn't jump to conclusions. Maybe he's the male "butter face." He could be sculpted like Matthew McConnahottie from the neck down.... Riiiiight.

Told onlookers that if they tried to approach the vehicle, it would explode. I doubt he used those words exactly. Probably more like: "If you-ins walk on over this way n then y'all try to start some shit, this here auto-mo-bile is gonna go boom n then stuff 'gon fly n you-ins get fucked up n stuff. " (Trust me. I had a hillbilly neighbor growing up. Sloppy-titted woman with bleach blonde hair, short shorts and a tube top. Three teeth. But I digress.)

When police arrived on the scene, they had to shut the highway down. Mr. Mental Midget (no offense to dwarves) decides to get out of his pimp ride and take his clothes off. He got tackled by police.

Wonder if they needed to bathe in hydrochloric acid afterwards to get the ick off...

I'm gonna show his picture to my mom the next time she asks if I have a 'man friend.' And then tell her I like to kick 'field goals' between his two chicklets.

That just made me queezy.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

A dose of motivation coming right up!

"There is only one way in the world to be distinguised. Follow your instinct. Be yourself, and you'll be somebody. Be one more blind follower of the blind, and you will have the oblivion you desire."

-- Bliss Carman

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

My favorite email...

I hadn't heard from my "buddy" Abdullahi Sarki Mukhtar in ages. But he was kind enough to tell me that his email is not a scam. Whew!

ATTENTION BENEFICIARY:
Based on the report we received from our investigation department, we wish to warn you against some Miscreants, Hoodlums and Touts who go about scamming innocent people by claiming to be who they are not and thereby tarnishing the image of our country.
Open the attachement to read more...

How'd he know that Rita is short for "beneficiary."

Nice try, Abdumbass Sucki Muckstain. Really? I'm still not opening your virus-filled attachment. Even though I appreciate your chivalry in trying to protect me from the real scammers. (wink, wink)

Mad props, though, for usage of "miscreants, hoodlums and touts." Touts! I MUST use that in a sentence today (by the way, I think you mean "louts.") Other than that, fuck off. Please. See. I can play that game, too.

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 23, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. The Penns

Offense: Lunatics

Robin Wright-Penn filed for divorce... again. On again. Off again. Hot. Cold. Yawn... Make up your minds! Or is this really some kind of freak-a-leak foreplay? Instead of blowing a lot of money and getting your lawyers involved in this weirdo game, just go down to the corner market, get some Boone's Farm, beef jerky and some Twizzlers and have yourselves a sweatin'-up-the-sheets good time until you change your minds AGAIN. Irreconcilable differences? Please. You just can't run from stupid.

2. Jamie Foxx

Offense: Spermtastic

Mr. Ding-a-ling may have a few more children out there than he thought. In fact, the number of spawn is unclear. Sure, Jamie, you may be having a grand ol' time divin' into those cookie jars, but there's this thing called 'child support.' You've heard of it? 18 seconds of vajayjay equals an 18-year pay day. Duh! And you should know better, cuz you did that "Gold Digger" song with Kanye. As the great philosopher Mr. T would say: "Just bag it, Fool!"

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Breathing

His name is two dirty words. Like Douche Bag and Ass Hole. He really thinks he's a playa with the hos and thinks he can get a new TV show. Don't try to subject us to more of your whiny bitchiness just because you already blew your half of the money on your riddiculous Ed Hardy bullshit clothes that look like Barney threw up on. Obviously, previous slaps haven't worked so now it's time to f*ck your shit up. (verbally, of course because I'm really a delicate flower.) I feel bad for you father. He's probably kickin' himself right now, wishing he would've played with Rosie and her five friends instead of yo momma the night God got humorous and created you!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. Slaaaaaaap!

xoxo,

RiRi

Who wears short-shorts?

OMG! The First Lady wears shorts-- in public. Holy shit, throw her in jail!

Seriously. This is a big deal why?

"Aren't those shorts a little too short?"

"The First Lady should cover up!"

Some lifeless losers actually "debating" this important issue. Cuz when I'm on vacation, hiking, in the Grand Canyon, I should be wearing my petticoat and corset.

Now, if this were Janet Reno... yikes!

Reno = Hell, no!

Keep rockin' the shorts, Michelle O!

It's 2009, not 1909. Word.

xoxo,

RiRi

Oh, Ma!

Just when I think Mom couldn't be more... well, Mom-ish, she strikes again. It's bad enough that it's a given that during any phone conversation, irregardless of the topic, I am always subjected to questions about my pesonal life. Mom tries to "dance" around the topic using phrases such as "man friend" and "special friend." It feels like some bizarro douche commercial gone wrong.

Anywho, this time was different.

As we were nearing the end of this 45 minutes of Hell, I thought God was smiling down upon me-- I escaped without one single question about my personal life!?! Praise the Lord. And then, with His wicked sense of humor, God flipped me the bird.

====================

Mom: Can I have a copy of your monthly company newsletter?

Rita: Sure. Why?

Mom: Because you said Albert's (my beloved dog) picture was featured and he won the Best Dog with Toy contest.

Rita: Okay... if it's that important to you.

Mom: Well, Albert's the closest thing I'll have to a grandchild. I have to be proud of something.

====================

Ouch. I didn't see that one coming! Thanks for that kick to the ovaries. It's a wonder I don't need therapy. That's what booze is for.

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

A little inspiration to get you through the day...

"You can have anything you want-- if you want it badly enough. You can be anything you want to be, have anything you desire, accomplish anything you set out to accomplish-- if you will hold to that desire with singleness of purpose."
-- Robert Collier

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,
RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 9, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelorette Winner Ed Swiderski

Offense: Breathing

This embarassment to his parents cheated on Jillian Harris with two other women-- at the same time! He surely needs a dayplanner just to keep track of all his south-of-the-border invasions. Here's a shocking revelation, Ed-- the whole point of commitment is to stay with one person. I don't see what Ed's attraction is. He looks like a constipated horse.

2. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Moron

Yes, it's awesome you were nominated for a Tony. But despite that accomplishment, you're still a tool! Seriously. Dude says he paved the way for Chris Daughtry and David Cook to be successful. Cuz those two two have no talent at all. All you did, Costantine Moron-ous, was look like a dirty butt wannabee rocker in desperate need of a flea dip. Go snarl someplace else. You're stinkin' up the joint!

1. Ryan O'Neal

Offense: Bloated baffoon

This stooopid potato head hit-on his own daughter, Tatum. At Farrah's funeral. There are sooo many things wrong with this scenario. One-- ewwww! Two-- claaaasy. Guess your 'mourning' period ended as soon as the hearst door was closed. When would you have noticed she was your daughter? When you got her in the sack and said something cheesy like: "Looking at you is like looking at me." Wait a minute... This has Lifetime movie written all over it.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes. SLAAAAP!

All better now...

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time for a little inspiration between the ears...

"Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count."

-- Dr. Robert Anthony

Now go forth, and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: August 2, 2009 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Michael Lohan

Offense: Deadbeat tool

Just when you thought it was safe, this douchemaster rises from his douchi-ness to snag some more face time. He's counselling Jon Gosselin, which is laughable, considering he's behind on his child support payments. To the tune of 12-grand. Here's a concept: Shut. Your. Mouth. And get a damn job! Get two. Take care of your demon seed. This is why more men need vasectomies!

2. Candy Spelling

Offense: Juvenile adult

Instead of trying to talk to her daughter, Tori, one-on-one like humans do, Candy has decided that TMZ is a more appropriate forum to air out her dirty laundry. The only reason we know who you are, woman, is because you threw your legs up in the air for Aaron. You're complaining that you haven't seen your grandkids, yet you think talking to the media is the best way to make that happen? Candy. That's an ironic name, cuz there ain't nothin' sweet about you, you wrinkly-looking squeegie!

1. Tony Romo

Offense: Shameful dog

Granted, I'm no Jessica fan. But no one deserves to be cheated on and lied to. Tony was having an emotional affiar with his newest bimbette and even took her to a Jessica concert! Wrong. Just plain wrong. I hope some hoochie momma wearing a Jessica Simpson-brand stilletto grinds her heel into your sack while beating you upside the head with a Jessica Simpson-brand handbag. Sack to sack, baby! Now that's karma!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi