Celebrity Slap: April 25, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Keifer Sutherland

Offense: Booze hound

I think you totally rock, but... the excessive boozing is NOT cool. You've gotten into fights, defended Brooke Shields' honor, knocked over a Christmas tree in a hotel lobby-- and now-- taking your shirt off at a strip club. Keep this up, and Jack Bauer is gonna have moobs and a beer gut as his not-so-secret weapons. Ick.

2. Shaq

Offense: Shameless

Really? Having your 6-year-old make a death threat to your ex-wife's boyfriend? Completely unacceptable. I love ya, man, but you can't involve your kids in your bullshit. Plus, you're Shaq Fu! Aren't you man enough to make your own threats? Or is that a skirt I see hangin' in your locker?

1. Steven Seagal

Offense: Repulsive

With all the disgusting revelations coming out, it gives a whole new meaning to your movie "Fire Down Below." Anywho... I know you're from Michigan and all, but can't you run better game? Fondling a woman's breasts and saying you're "checking for lumps" would be like us grabbing your crotchal area saying we're looking for some marbles. And making women take off your shoes? Gross. You're just as greasy as your ponytail, LawDouche. A 5-day-old bologna sandwich with mouldy feta cheese and pickle juice is more appealing than you. Of course, it probably smells as bad as your feet....

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.......SLAAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April 11, 2010 Edition

Spring is in the air. And the "dumbness" is multiplying!

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Heidi Montag

Offense: Lunacy

On the heels of Nicolette Sheridan's tale of being slapped by Marc Cherry, Heidi's revealed her own on-set drama! Egads! She claims an MTV producer pushed her from behind. Oh, the humanity! Maybe that's why she got all that plastic surgery... or better yet-- she deserves to be shaken, slapped, and kicked off the planet! By the way, I've got a big steamy cup of "shut the fuck up" for ya. Suck it down like you do Spencer's wango! Aw, that's a good little plastic bimbo...

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Disease bag

This dude defines poon hound. He flew all the way to Paris to have a date with a local TV personality because he 'completely cracked' for her. (Emphasis on 'crack.' Something he totally enjoys.) Be warned, Gerard! Your dick may fall off. Then what are you gonna do? Hmmm? Perhaps he's secretly been named "Special U.N. Ambassador of Pootie" and he's on a world tour.

1. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Unofficial Guiness book record holder for Biggest Douchebag

Dude is suing ex-wife Kate for custody of their 8 children, claiming Kate is an absentee mom. How completely cellophane! As if we don't know you're broke; you don't want to pay 20-grand a month in support; you have no fucking job-- so... let's use the kids to make money, 'cuz I'm a fat, balding buddha with no prospects and no class. The only thing you've managed to do is scratch your grapenuts and grow your moobs. A floater in the toilet is more attractive than you are!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: April *something* Edition

(Better late than never... recovering from Reese's PB Egg OD)

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Will Smith

Offense: Out of touch

I completely understand wanting artistic control over a project. But then there's you. Causing all kinds of problems on the set of YOUR TV SHOW "Hawthorne"... which stars your wife and you produce. Holding up production with demands for massive rewrites... making people unhappy. I hope DJ Jazzy Jeff is sticking pins in your voodoo doll right now!

2. Donald Trump

Offense: Out of line

The Donald running his mouth-- all up-in-arms that Rosie O'Donnell is returning to TV. He called her a 'loser' and a 'failure.' Wow. He just won't let their feud die. I think it's: A. A bromance in the making or B. Deep-seeded self-hate. Upon further examination, Rosie is kind of the male version of The Donald-- only with a bigger 'package' and better hair!

1. Ryan Seacrest

Offense: Out of bounds

Oh, Ryan. A probing journalist you're not. So stop pretending to be one. In one of the most awkward moments on Idol, Ryan kept badgering Didi Benami to confess why she got so emotional during the song she sang. She kept refusing to answer. More refusing. And Ryan kept asking. Idiot. That'd be like us asking over and over when you're gonna pull a Ricky Martin and just jump out of that closet! (We know it's gonna happen one day, and that's okay.) I hope a bird poops on your perfectly coiffed hair!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

What up, dawg?

From the beloved four-legged family member:

=====================

Me and my buddies were sniffing around the yard the other day, and we're angry! We are tired of you humans calling cheaters 'dogs.'

How insulting!

Tiger Woods. Jesse James. Dogs? They aren't good enough to be us! Dogs are loyal. Once we get our junk fixed, we only occasionally hop on a table leg or my grandma (she's as tall as I am so I think she's a toy.) We're always good to our companions. We obey. We snuggle. We follow. We're always happy to see you, even if you're gone for 2 seconds! And dogs are not "low-down-dirty." I may not be as tall as you, but I'm always clean. Mom gets me groomed (I don't really like it, though.)

So, the next time you want to point out how awful some male human is behaving, call him a cat. Because we all know cats are pussies.

I feel better now...

Mental Massage

Time to soothe that weary mind of yours...

"Never let yesterday use up too much of today."

-- Will Rogers

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Bachelor Jake

Offense: Douchebag

Though he's proposed to Vienna, Jake still thinks he can rehab the world with his ween. Every chance he gets, he hits on another woman-- cuz he's THAT special. Gag. Yes, you're a hottie. We get it. But that doesn't mean all females are soooo overcome by your man-ness that we immediately flop down with our legs up in the air. Get over yourself!

2. Rielle Hunter

Offense: Ignorant ho

Nothing flames me more than when a mistress claims she has compassion for the wife. Really? Then how 'bout you keep a low profile and shut your trap! That would be refreshing! Rielle feels sorry for Elizabeth's pain, but then goes on to say her love for "Johnny" Edwards is forever. Blah, blah, blah. She thinks we don't know the real Rielle-- a shallow, fame-seeking, skankasoraus!

1. Jesse James

Offense: Fool

Men are dogs. Haven't we covered this already? But there's this thing called responsibility and self-control.... and keeping your word. What's even more sickening is that Sandra went on TV and praised you for always "having her back." No wonder you were crying during her acceptance speech-- you knew your ass was grass! Shame. On. You. Your wife goes off to make some money while you're riding some trampola like a hippity-hop!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Speechless...

but not wordless...


DONNA SIMPSON, DF (Dumb Fuck)

For the past few weeks, I've tried to become a "kinder, gentler Rita." Well, fuck that noize. It's because of assholes like this sick twist from New Jersey (shocking, I know) that I must vent.

Donna's goal in life is not to be an outstanding mother, tree hugger or "most loving fatty."

No. Her goal is to the World's Fattest Woman. Bitch already weighs 600 pounds and her goal is to double her size in the next two years.

But that's not the most repulsive part. She wants you and me to pay for her food bills.

What. The. FUCK!?!?

She's got the audacity to have a website in which she asks for our help in making her a disgrace to humanity. Her food bills for her alone is over 3-grand a month.

Anyone who donates to this woman's cause needs to be immediately booted off the planet or charged with attempted murder.

I'd call Donna a pig, but pigs are cute and cuddly.

I'd call Donna stupid, but stupid people have SOME brain function.

I'd call Donna a douche, but a douche has purpose.

So... I'll just say you're one of God's special creatures. Emphasis on creature. I hope you don't accidentally sit on one of your kids and suffocate them.

By the way, I need a car cover. Can I borrow your panties? Vurp....

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Sean Penn

Offense: Disgrace to men

He was thrown out of the Governor's Ball after the Oscars for allegedly punching one of "The Hurt Locker" producers for dating his ex-wife, Robin Wright. Heaven forbid she move on from your hot-headed, immature, sorry, fooltastic self! You're the one who waffled back and forth between getting divorced, then calling it off like some wishy-washy schoolgirl. Stick to acting. because behaving like a gentleman is something you're incapable of!

2. Lindsay Lohan

Offense: Delusional

This wack-job is suing E*Trade for one-hundred million dollars for their "Milkaholic" commercial because they named one of the babies Lindsay-- which clearly means they meant "Lohan." She says she's a single-name phenonmenon like Madonna and Oprah and she's hurt at the implication that she has loose morals. What mother-fucking-bizarro world did we wake up in!?!? Had the baby been named "Ho" or "Insane" or "Bipolar" then we would've known for sure it was you. Stop giving crazy people a bad rap!

1. Miley Cyrus

Offense: Egomaniacal waste of space

She says she and her BF Liam Hemsworth are "deeper than normal people." She says they think and feel deeper than you and I do. Because truly deep people need to let everyone else know how great they are! The only deep thing about you is the shit you're shovelling... and your daddy's mullet. That's pretty deep. I bet you can't even spell "deep," you mouth-breathing, hillbilly, no-talent twit!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Some mind lovin' on the way...

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face. You must do that which we think we cannot."

--Eleanor Roosevelt

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: March 7, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Janice Dickinson

Offense: Self-absorbed

This so-called "World's First-Ever Supermodel" wants her own reality TV show so she can find some young stud to 'wait on her hand and foot.' In reality, it'd be more like some dude wiping her ass and feeding her oatmeal since she's the sister of Father Time! Beware, studs-- her crotchal area is probably like the Bermuda Triangle. Once you go there, you'll be lost forever!

2. Cameron Douglas

Offense: Whiny biotch

He says he's not to blame for his drugging and trouble-making because he was born to Michael Douglas--a wealthy and famous man-- and therefore, his life was too difficult. (cue dramatic music) He was hurt in a variety of ways: "So don't blame me. I didn't ask to be born." WAAAAHHHH! By the way, we're equally sorry you were born-- cuz we have to pay for your cry-baby ass while you're in prison ... and, you're breathing our good air! You've been evicted to Stupid Planet!

1. The Nation of China

Offense: Antiquated

These fools adore Tiger Woods because they say the true sign of a man's success is how many mistresses he has. Please. It shows how stupid a man is because he's gonna have to pay for them all one way or another. No wonder y'all are so good at math-- you need to keep track of all your tramps! Don't mind if I Kung Pao you in the collective junk!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Time to recharge that thing between your ears...

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness."

-- Mahatma Gandhi

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 28, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Ryan Phillippe

Offense: Dirty Cheater

He cheated on ex-wife Reese Witherspoon and now on Abbie Cornish-- his former mistress by the way. That makes my head hurt. Anywho... Sorry, Abbie. You know the saying: "If he'll cheat with you, he'll cheat on you." I really don't know who'd be interested in this below-average actor, cuz he ain't "all that." He looks like the offspring of Bozo the Clown and Carrot Top.

2. ESPN's Tony Kornheiser

Offense: Lacking tact

Dude went-off on air about fellow anchor Hannah Storm's outfit. He thought her shirt was too tight, saying it looked like she had sausage casing wrapping around her upper body. I love how the fashion backward feel qualified to vilify. Face it. You're just jealous because her 'sausage' is bigger than yours.

1. Tiger Woods

Offense: Clueless fool

Tiger can't understand why Elin doesn't want to take a family photo with him. She's probably afraid she's gonna get some kind of skank rabies from you! It may be hard to hear or believe, but you can't snap your fingers and have your world return to normal. The only thing you CAN get when you snap your fingers is some tramp's legs flying open.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Birdophile

Doesn't she look like a sweet granny?

If you've got cataracts and think a double-wide is a mansion....

Meet Donna Louise Greenwell (by the by, only serial killers and rednecks go by two first names)

a Louisiana skank who sold two children under the age of 6 for... wait for it... an exotic bird and $175. I guess an even $200 would've broken the bank.

I can just hear it now. A thought fragment bouncing around the space between her ears:

"Dem thur talkin' burds is cool. I got this hur nest on my head yins cans sleep thur."

Is she a birdophile? Nothin' gets her granny panties all moist like Toucan Sam... WTF?

Fortunately, she was sentenced to 15 months hard labor. So were the two twits that made the deal with her.

Who wakes up one morning and thinks this is a great idea? Obviously, oversized Funyun-eating-KMart-polyester-pant-wearin-fucks do....

xoxo,

RiRi

P.S. Bitch got more chins than a Chinese phone book.... yeah. I went there.

Mental Massage

Catch this positivity wave...

"Your imagination is your preview of life's coming attractions."

-- Albert Einstein

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 21, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Simon Monjack

Offense: Shady

Brittany Murphy's devastated widower thought he would honor his departed wife with a charity established in her name. Minor detail-- you need to file the appropriate paperwork to really make it a charity. Otherwise, it looks like you're taking advantage of people. You wouldn't do that, would you? Nothing like turning grief into opportunity. Your last name should be Monjackal.

2. Jillian Michaels

Offense: Scam artist

I dig that you're a bad-ass and you yell at people and make 'em hurt... it's kinda hot.... But I'm starting to get suspicious that you're not "all that" considering three lawsuits filed against you in two weeks. Don't you do a little research to make sure that the ingredients in your fat burning pills are acutally safe? I guess turning a fast buck on the plump booties of America is all that really matters. I'm praying to the gods that one day you wake up and your ass is bigger than your head-- if that's possible!

1. Heather Mills

Offense: Pathetic

She dragged Sir Paul through the mud, made up wild stories that she feared for her life... So, to get rid of this psycho, she got 50-million dollars in her divorce settlement two years ago. And now-- she broke! 50. Million. Dollars. What!?! She claims she gave most of the money away and invested in real estate for her daughter's future. Riiight. You're not that generous or smart. I think she blew it on custom-made brooms for her to ride on. Stupid bitch.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Positive vibes for a more positive you...

"Faith is taking the first step, even when you don't see the whole staircase."

-- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: February 14, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Matthew Knowles

Offense: Big Dummy

Beyonce must be so pleased to have a daddy so righteous as yourself. It's bad enough you're a cheat, but now, rumor has it you knocked-up your ho! She's got you for 18 years now! Idiot! Obviously, you weren't paying attention in health class. As our high school health teacher so eloquently put it: "Wrap it, or get slapped with it."

2. Kanye West

Offense: Hot head

The Mad-Rapper all in a frenzy because it took too long to prepare his meal. Waiting 30 minutes to fine dine is unacceptable in Kanye's eyes! He's beneath being treated like the rest of us. Unfortunately, he got worked-up over nothing, because the menu clearly stated that his Peiking Duck would take 45 minutes to prepare. Apparently, the phrase "reading is fundamental" has escaped you, fool!

1. John Mayer

Offense: Ego-centric tool

I feel badly for the entire male gender. We'd take him, but females have more standards. This dude tries to be so edgy and so cool, opening his mouth and spewing his verbal vomit so he can get some more lady lumps. But it's backfired. TMI about your personal time with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston. TMI about your little "pants monster" and what race of women it prefers. TMI in your case should stand for "too much ignorance."

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Legal

HAPPY 18TH, TAYLOR!

Come to momma for your spankin'... ha ha!

xoxo,

RiRi

Panic at the Disco... kinda

The band "The Vibrators" NOT performing at a Spanish disco... but the Energizer Bunny kind sure did!

Woo hoo!

The first 400 girls at the door who paid the cover got a night of good vibrations!

Except promoters there call vibes "consolers." Guess that's accurate. Reason #95 why a vibe is better than a guy: You get what you want then you can shove it back in a drawer. Try that with a guy, and it's called 'abuse.' Whatever...

xoxo,
RiRi

Mental Massage

Sometimes you need a little mental motivation...

"Beware of the thoughts you keep, because everything in reality manifests from the mind."

-- Justin Palmer

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: Sunday, February 7th Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Britney Spears

Offense: Eye assaulter

Usually, when one has a special event to attend where everyone is watching-- you try to put your best foot forward. Not our girl Brit Brit, y'all! She must've gotten Hollywood and Fredricks of Hollywood confused, cuz she chose to wear some bizarro net over a black body suit to the Grammys. I'm sure that's high-brow for the trailer park, but not so much for the bright lights of the big city! Perhaps she was leaving a video shoot with the Gorton's Fisherman where a big 'fish' gets caught in her net!

2. The Cyrus Family

Offense: Pimps

9-year-old Noah Cyrus, younger sister of Miley, is coming out with a clothing line of her own! That's all cool, except her designs are completely trampy! Lace and fishnets and hooker boots and bodysuits-- oh, my! For tweens!!! Pimping out your children for profit is repulsive. Obviously, there's no thought process as to what message you're putting out there. It's not cool that you're throwing more fuel on some pedophile's fire! Unbelievable! While you're counting your pile of money, don't be surprised when your little girl becomes a pregnant crack ho!

1. John Edwards

Offense: Mouth-breathing half-wit

It was bad enough you couldn't keep Lil' Johnnie in your pants, but to be a liar, thief and alleged woman-beater is just reprehensible. Beating you cancer-striken wife Elizabeth because she had enough of your being a dog? Please. I'm surprised the man club hasn't asked for your fun marbles back because you don't deserve to be a man or a human or even the ooze from a scabby sore! Let's boot this inhumane piece of trash off the planet!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes.... SLAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Award Winner

NOAH MILLS

Today's GAWD-D*MN Award.

Model-turned-actor featured in the upcoming "SATC" sequel... "Samantha's" new conquest.

Fantastic! Lucky bitch.

Drooling,

RiRi

Oh, Pa!

Dad gave me a scare the other day. He's been retired for almost a year, and I've been concerned the nearly-sedentary life he's now leading has taken its toll. This is a dude that used to work 12-hour days, six days a week for the love of God!

=====================

Dad: You know, this time of year it's hard on me. It's so cold, I don't want to go anywhere and I'm trapped inside. The sun hardly shines. It sucks ass.

Me: Dad-- I'll take you out. Where do you want to go?

Dad: No, I'll be fine by March. Then it'll be April.

Me: A lot of people have S.A.D.

Dad: Oh, no. Forget about that. I'll be happy because the Gay Games will be in town!

Me: Is there something you need to tell me?

===============

Dad proceeds to tell me that he's not gay (mom will be relieved!) but wants to help out at the Gay Games. He's going to support the athletes shouting out phrases like "You ain't got no junk in the front. It's all in the trunk." And this doozy: "Want a sucker, Tom Tucker?"

And here I thought Dad was depressed or something.

He also has some marketing ideas for the Gay Games. He intends on buying 50 pair of panties and selling them as souveniers, with the added-value selling point of "the stains are free." Niiice.

Wrong. Very. Wrong.

Then I informed Dad that the Gay Games aren't coming until 2014.

Sigh.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

A little boost to that tender spot between your ears....

"How we think shows through in how we act. Attitudes are mirrors of the mind. They reflect thinking."

-- David Schwartz

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 31, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Holywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Linda Hogan

Offense: Airhead

The former Mrs. Hulk is going to wreak the ultimate revenge and write a scathing tell-all about her ex-hubby because he wrote one and talked trashed about her! Why don't the two of you take it to the playground, because I doubt you'll outgrow such a juvenile mentality. It's obvious she got "memoir" and "mammory" confused because the only thing she could possibly be fluent in is her enchanced chesticle area.

2. Gerard Butler

Offense: Icky

This man-tramp is making-out with any female that can say "Ahhhh." He was spotted doin' his thang with some chick that plays violin. They were all touchy-feely in some alley by a dumpster. That's awesome! NOT! I guess tongue hockey could be your Plan B when the acting thing dries-up. Gross. I hope I can slap the STD right outta ya!

1. Andy Dick

Offense: Repulsive waste of DNA

It's not cool or funny when you grab guys in the junk and try to kiss them when they're not into you. You make fools look like Prince Charmings! Stop. Being. An. Idiot. I'd wish you a horrible time in prison, but I think you might like it! Piece of advice: just 'cuz your last name is Dick, doesn't mean you should act like one!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes...... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Newman's Own?

Isn't he a gem!?!

This tool is Robert Jenkins. Bobby walked into a Wal-Mart and decided it would be completely appropriate to piss all over the steaks at the meat counter. Seriously. $600 worth of damage. Do you know how many people could've been fed with that $600 worth of meat!?!? Even better, he became enraged when the clerk told him to take his cocktail weenie to Aisle 7 where they sell the small, cured meats. (I made that up. lol) Anywho, cops don't know if drugs or alcohol played a factor. Well, duh! I can't remember the last time I squatted over a rib roast. That's right-- I've never done it because I'm not a drunken fool!!!

This is NOT the kind of marinade I had in mind...

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Ready for some positive vibage? Oh, yes....

"Refuse to let your present results influence your thinking. Keep reminding yourself that you have a power within you that is superior to any condition or circumstance you may encounter enroute to your goal."

-- Bob Proctor

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 24, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. New York Governor David Patterson

Offense: Womanizer

He and his wife admitted to a little O.P.P. action in the past. But I guess some things you just can't quit. He was spotted having dinner with a "leggy Latina in her 20s." And sources say they were quite cozy-- with the sight-challenged gov nibbling on her neck. I'm sure it was innocent. Maybe he thought her neck was a stalk of celery... or a straw... or an ice cream cone.

2. Jon Gosselin

Offense: Loser

Poor, pathetic ween has to suckle off the teet of his young, equally losertastic girlfriend because he can't affort a pack of gum. I bet right about now you'd KILL to have Kate belittling your manhood and laughing at your hair plugs-- cuz that meant you had a home and some money! But as they say, Karma is a biotch, and apparently in your case-- she's on the rag. I'm sure you'll get a job... someday. Repeat after me: "Would you like to biggie-size that?" Could you say that with a little more feeling? Doh!

1. Wyclef Jean

Offense: Fool

He looked like such a stand-up guy immediately pleading to the public to help Haiti. He seemed so honorable... until it came out that he's been dipping into hs own charity for his own purposes. Cuz the thought of spending your own money for recording time and video production seemed far-fetched. I guess he took the phrase "charity starts at home" to heart. Toolbag. God's watching. And I have a feeling a smoting is coming your way. Douche.

Get ready. Here. It. Comes....... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Mind your own business

Dear Kotex and Every Other Feminine Hygiene Product Maker:

Go with the flow, so to speak. Don't get all philosophical on me. First, Always is telling me to "have a happy period." And now you, Kotex Nazi, are writing "helpful tips" on your pantyliner paper.

I don't need you telling me "Exercise can make a difference! Walk for better health!" No shit, "oh one without ovaries." Because only a man would be stupid enough to try to dispense advice when I'm bleeding.

If you really want to make yourself useful, go and fetch me some peanut M&Ms... or better yet-- STFU!

Sincerely,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Everyone could use some good vibes...

"Don't waste your life in doubts and fears: spend yourself on the work before you, well assured that the right performance of this hour's duties will be the best preparation for the hours or ages that follow it."

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 17, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood babies-- just like momma would!

3. Tom Cruise

Offense: Enabler

There's been murmurings floating in cyber space that little Suri can be a touch bratty. Maybe it's because she gets everything she wants-- and more. Like a custom-made, $30 thousand mini-Indy car! Suri supposedly is 'mesmerized' by racing. Right, Cole Trickle... I'm sure this isn't Daddy's obsession spilling over onto his offspring. And even better-- if Suri really stays with the racing thing, he's gonna build a track in the backyard! Why hasn't the mother ship called you back home yet?

2. Sharon Stone

Offense: Talkie too much

She really knows how to pay a compliment. When asked why she thinks Meryl Streep works so much, Sharon said: "Because she looks like a woman we can all relate to." Nicely said! But... Sharon didn't stop there. She proceeded to say that Meryl "looks like an unmade bed." Ugh. You should've stopped while you were ahead. By the way, don't you have to flash your crotch somewhere?

1. Mel Gibson

Offense: Talking

Mel would surely know what it's like to be Tiger Woods. Under all that scrutiny for being a lowdown-dirty-gum-on-the-bottom-of-my-shoe-DOG. Mel feels sorry for Tiger. Boo-fucking-hoo. There are better things to talk about... WAAAAH. We know. But when you can't keep it in your pants and you have to mark your territory like a wild animal across the country, you kinda got it comin' to you. Are you okay with that, Sugar Sack?

Get ready. Here. It. Comes..... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Where's the beef?

That really was the question in a South Carolina courtroom recently.

51-year-old Mark (or is that Dork) Zachary of Orangesburg was sentenced to 10 years in prison. His crime-- stealing an $80 slab of meat. This was his 9th shoplifting offense.

Someone's got a problem... or an addiction to USDA Prime.

Anywho, the Assistant Solicitor (sounds dirty) in the case asked "Where's the beef?" in opening statements. Clever. Obviously, the beef thief has no meat between his ears. Guess what his defense was?

"I was massaging the beef, not stealing it."

Wha?!?!

Massaging. Beef. I think he meant the steak. And frankly, I'd rather have him yankin' "it" in the store instead of massaging some beef. I expect you to treat "it" like a joystick. I DO NOT want anyone massaging my beef... not without drinks first-- HA HA!

Nice lam-o attempt at a defense. I'm sure you'll get plenty of meat massaging behind bars. Tool.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

That spot between your ears needs some TLC.....

"The starting point of all achievement is desire. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desires bring weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat."

-- Napoleon Hill

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi

Celebrity Slap: January 10, 2010 Edition

Knockin' some sense into our Hollywood Babies-- just like momma would!

3. Constantine Maroulis

Offense: Hurl inducing

Dude's got a Tony Award nomination, but he can't quit the realty TV game. He's dating socialite Tinsley Mortimer for her upcoming CW reality show "Empire State." He might as well just go work for that male brothel in Nevada... By the by, that's not love she's feeling. It's nausea-- like when you eat bad coleslaw.

2. Katie Holmes

Offense: Bordering on lunacy

This fool wants to get a tattoo to show her devotion to her hubby, Tom. She got the bright idea from her BFF Posh Spice, who honored The Becks with one. First of all, way to be a follower! Secondly, even Tom (who's a little nutty himself) thinks it's a bad idea. Whatcha gonna get inked? "Ur the jumper to my couch" or perhaps "Nanu Nanu." That's special.

1. Mariah Carey

Offense: Whack job

She was honored as Breakout Actress at the Palm Springs International Film Festival, and ruined it all by giving a drunkass acceptance speech. Drinking and talking NOT her strong suit. Being a pampered, obnoxious princess who looks like a stuffed sausage, IS. Please, go away!

Get ready. Here. It. Comes......... SLAAAAAP!

xoxo,

RiRi

Why stupid people should NOT reproduce...

... because they make stupid offspring! And unfortunately, The Stoopids are overtaking the planet!

Case in point-- this from Covington, Louisiana.

45-year-old mental midget Tim Williams and his 12-year-old daughter were arrested for an alleged practical joke went wrong. These two thought it'd be a hoot-n-a-holler to drive on the highway in his pickup truck with the girl sitting in the passenger seat bound and gagged with duct tape. Motorists called authorities after seeing the "kidnapping" in progress. Several boxed in Williams' moving pickup truck until police could catch up to them.

Beats playing Parcheesi, I suppose.

Perhaps their original prank idea went sour: "Daddy, why don't you pretend to give me the pickle tickle again?"

Yeah....

xoxo,
RiRi

Really?

SKINNY JEANS

A recent survey from Special K (that crappy cereal) reveals that 29 percent of women say fitting into their "skinny" jeans again would be better than sex.

Say WHAT!?!

29 percent is waaay too high. Maybe one percent. But 29 percent? I know there's some bad ween out there, but when everything evens-out, nothing is better than sex. Sure, lots of money is great. You can buy sex. Chocolate is great. You can slather someone in chocolate and then have sex. Get it? Obviously not since a pair of pants is more exciting than what's inside them!

Fitting back into your skinny jeans could get you sex. Are you gonna turn it down because you just want to strut around all proud in your fuckin' jeans?

Get a grip. Or better yet, get a toy and vibe your brain into remembering why sex rocks.

29 percent... please.

Rant concluded.

xoxo,

RiRi

Mental Massage

Deep thoughts to penetrate your mind...

"The strongest principle of growth lies in human choice."

-- George Eliot

Now go forth and be fabulous!

xoxo,

RiRi